This is going to be a lighter post for a change. Kind of. I start with tv-shows and movies with gay characters and plots, that have made an impact on me during my life through these 52 years. That was my original idea anyway. And then HEARTSTOPPER 💖was released on Netflix, and I will concentrate on that at the end of this post.
Perhaps the first gay character I've seen on tv was Jodie played by Billy Crystal on Soap in the 70's, as I was a child under ten years old. And if I'm correct, his character later fell in love with a woman, so it was ruined. Of course I was too young to understand I was gay: that realization hit me when I was 12 and my sexuality was awakening, and I was thinking about other boys in my class.
Next it was Dynasty and Steven Carrington. I was watching it mostly because of him, I guess, and it was frustrating when Steven dated women. Luke Fuller played by Billy Campbell was finally such a sweet boyfriend for Steven, and of course he was killed. Viewers only saw them hugging; nothing more.
Then there was Melrose Place; I was expecting more from its gay character, Matt, and stopped watching the show, dissatisfied.
First movie I've seen on tv was probably East German (!) movie called "Coming out", 1989. Surprising as it is, I think it was pretty good and realistic. No happy ending, but neither a sad one. It was just left open.
Of course there have been movies that felt kind of gay, without any obvious gay plot, or out characters, and these could include such titles as Rebel without a cause, The Outsiders, and Dead Poets Society.
Then there was My Own Private Idaho, starring River Phoenix, my Idol Forever; he was born in 1970, like I was, but died way too young.
Maurice was on Finnish tv just as I was in a life situation when as a member of cult I thought I would live alone. It stirred up great confusion within me. I also read the book it was based on.
Finally Beautiful Thing came out when I was taking my first steps as openly gay man; I saw it in cinema for several times. Such a sweet story.
Get Real was another good British gay movie, ending sucked a little.
When I first wrote this post, I completely forgot about Queer as Folk (both UK and US versions): I liked it a lot at that time, and it was groundbreaking series! However, it had a very different tone than most of these other tv shows or movies. Life style it depicted, never was my life, or even a dream of life I wanted.
Brokeback Mountain, of course; it's a bit melancholic, though, but sometimes you're in a mood for that too. When I said it was beautiful, my late partner used to say, "Is it beautiful when someone always dies?" And he died. And it was beautiful in a way, as much as painful.
Many later gay movies I watched illegally on web.
The cutest couples in recent years have been Leonardo and Gabriel in Brazilian film, The Way He Looks, preceded by short movie, and Isak and Evan on 3rd season of Norwegian tv series Skam.
But now finally we get to the point... HEARTSTOPPER, created by Alice Oseman. When I first saw the clips on YouTube, they already made me feel good. I immediately subscribed to Netflix only to see this show! And it is worth all the praise it has received! On Facebook group people around the globe, of different sexual orientations and different ages - including number of people around my age (52) - have told how much this show has meant to them, and how strong emotions it has raised. I'm not the only one of my kind. Even I commented, and that's something I haven't done for years on social media!
Heartstopper is so cute and tender, so beautiful and innocent. It makes you happy and joyful, and at the same time a little wistful.
Often I may watch tv shows and movies in a gay eye, meaning, that there are good looking actors. Now it's not about that at all. Yes, the main characters Nick and Charlie (Kit Connor and Joe Locke, both only 18 y.o.) represent the opposite types I usually find attractive, Nick being more athletic and Charlie more like a nerd, skinny type. Not that I would find either one of them hot, neither that I wouldn't: it's just that they fit for their roles perfectly, and their mutual chemistry is appealing.
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| Nick and Charlie kiss for the first time. |
In a way, Heartstopper is almost a religious experience to me; it's like it has purified my mind: all of a sudden I see the world through rose-colored glasses. No longer I want to watch internet porn, haven't done that for days. This came about just in right time, as I was developing addiction. I needed this. I'm not saying there's necessarily something wrong with porn, unless it's abusive and/or becomes an addiction. In Buddhism we try to avoid extremes, and prefer the middle way, which in this case goes somewhere between lasciviousness and puritanism. We live in overly sexualized culture, that can't be denied. When obsessed with sex, you start to look at people (men) as objects, and lose a real, deeper connection.
In Heartstopper they hold hands, hug, and kiss. I remember I had kind of romantic fantasies when I was young. Back then it was not easy to see porn, let alone gay porn. Never have I been capable of one night stands with random dudes. It's just too flat. "Morals" is not to be messed up with this.
Our world needs beautiful stories, we need to believe in love. It's good to remember that even I have lived through that, experienced this, and felt that way. It was only six years ago when I fell in love with my current husband. It is the same, no matter how old you are.
For the few days now I have been like ecstatic. Something has moved in me. You don't always need to read spiritual literature to be deeply nourished and refreshed; sometimes fiction works just as well, maybe even better. What would be more spiritual in human experience than love, and at the same very physical. You can't separate spirit and matter, they are not against each other. When I fell in love in 2016, I wrote that "Love is my religion". It was so all-embracing. I was pushed aside from my self-centered orbit. Somebody else became the focus of my world. For a mystic it might be god. But isn't it the same thing in minor dimension.
Honeymoon period won't last. Though there is still love, you miss that emotion. Everything is fine, I lack nothing, and still... This can't be all. Routines form a structure to support your life, but what if that is all there is, and life is missing; you function as a robot. In the end of 2015 I was broken - I was open: years have gone by, and I have closed myself again from the rest of the world. To withdraw from life is to die; to reconnect to life, you need to connect with people. I can't get my youth back, but neither is my life ending! I need to find that inner spark again, that gave me strength and courage to make major changes in my life six years ago.
I'm reminded of a following story... "Once a man died and awoke in the other world. There St. Peter appeared before him and asked him what he wanted. He then ordered breakfast, the daily papers, and all the comforts he was accustomed to in life, and this kind of life lasted for many centuries until he got sick of it and began to swear at St. Peter and to complain of how monotonous it was in Heaven, whereupon St. Peter informed him that he was in Hell..."
Sometimes I wonder if I too died and I'm in hell... and you don't need to take this too literally, as if I was going mad, but metaphorically; sometimes people are lifeless while still on earth, and hell is a state of mind according to Buddhism. I guess my version of that story would be me being alone in peace and quiet. I would enjoy it... until I wouldn't.
As far-fetched as it may seem, all these thoughts were initiated by Heartstopper! It might sound over dramatic, but it is almost life-changing experience.
I ordered graphic novels which Heartstopper is based on, and Alice Oseman has written novels as well, so dive into this world is just beginning. I'm sure there will be season 2, because of two simple facts: a) Heartstopper has already been extremely popular, b) Not all the graphic novels are dealt yet.
Final episode, The beach scene
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