That title most certainly caught your attention! The most popular posts in this blog are about sex, what else. So, let's write about sex. I republish this post after some more editing, or censuring; I wasn't ready for all the details I included in my first version. Still I must warn you, there is going to be explicit language and graphic content! This is not for prudes! This is an honest account - so honest it may make you embarrassed. I am a private person, but on the other hand I want to shake those images other people may have about me; they are most likely one-sided.
I have always wanted to emphasize that I'm not a saint, nor willing or trying to be one. I can't stand those people with their halos too tight around their heads! It is because of Christianity, that we tend to make a sharp distinction between sexuality and spirituality. I also fell into that trap as I began my Spiritual journey in my 20's, but in my case it was Theosophy, with those old classical books of the late 19th and early 20th Centuries, which told that one must be purified to walk the Spiritual Path. That's how I got it, and of course it caused a great turmoil within my soul. Even more so, once I joined the Gnostic Mystery School, Lectorium Rosicrucianum, where the whole point was to rise above this world.
For long time sex and spirit were two separate threads to me, before they were harmoniously woven into the fabric of life - or were they, I don't know; at least they are no longer in conflict with each other.
Just like spirituality is part of humanity in one way or another, so is sexuality, and obvious and essential part. Furthermore, love is love and sex is sex: they may go together or they don't. There is no rule.
I may have attained something in terms of spirituality, but sexuality is still mostly a mystery to me waiting to be solved.
In his Red Book Carl Jung wrote:
Man shall differentiate himself both from spirituality and sexuality. He shall call spirituality mother, and set her between Heaven and earth. He shall call sexuality Phallos, and set him between himself and earth. For the Mother and the Phallos are superhuman daimons that reveal the world of the Gods. They affect us more than the Gods since they are closely akin to our essence. If you do not differentiate yourselves from sexuality and from spirituality, and do not regard them as an essence both above and beyond you, you are delivered over to them as qualities of the Pleroma. Spirituality and sexuality are not your qualities, not things you possess and encompass. Rather, they possess and encompass you, since they are powerful daimons, manifestations of the Gods, and hence reach beyond you, existing in themselves. No man has a spirituality unto himself or a sexuality unto himself. Instead, he stands under the law of spirituality and of sexuality. Therefore no one escapes these daimons. You shall look upon them as daimons, and as a common task and danger, a common burden that life has laid upon you. Thus life, too, if for you a common task and danger, as are the Gods, and first and foremost terrible Abraxas.University of Metaphysics states as follows:
"Carl Jung, whom many believe was the greatest psychologist of the 20th century, thought that the lipido - something psychologists attributed solely to the sexual drive - was, in truth, the life force or urge to life itself. Mystics understand this urge to life itself as the urge to Universal Life, or God. As taught in schools of Tantric Yoga, this urge - at its highest level of human expression - can become a means to union with God or mystical enlightenment."
When I used to be Christian, I came to experience a connection between sexuality and spirituality, and not in a sense of "sin", but that of ecstasy and passion! Christian mystics had similar experiences. And think about the Song of Songs!
Sangharakshita, a Buddhist teacher, sometimes accused of sexual misbehavior (plain fact that he had sexual relationships seems to be "misbehavior" for some), wrote - and I have to translate this passage from Finnish, the best I can, since I'm unable to find it online:
Man refuses to experience the sensations of the body, especially sensations related to sexuality. This refusal is often associated with a wrong kind of upbringing as a child. For example, I can see people who have been raised to the thought or such a vague feeling that the body is somehow shameful, or at least not as noble, as highly revered as the mind. In the same way some people have been instilled with such an idea, that sexual feelings are sinful. All these kinds of thoughts and feelings stem from Christianity. Even though we have certainly in many ways outgrown Christianity, or at least outgrown dogma of Christianity and control of the Church, these attitudes are very widely spread, and still cause a lot of damage. We can count as one of Wilhelm Reich's great merits that he has studied all this area very thoroughly, and he has shown quite clearly how preventing child's pleasant physical sensations may lead to a grown man denounce all one's life force in a crippling way.
One of the five precepts of Buddhism is to abstain from "sexual misconduct". But Buddha's ethics is not about commands to be observed blindly. It must be interpreted in individual freedom. There is no fixed category for right and wrong; it depends on the situation and circumstances at hand. It's all about consenting adults, who agree on things and are happy about the way they are. Of course there is nothing wrong about sexual expression in its variety, unless it hurts someone.
Weird thing about sex is, that it is such a small aspect of humanity, and yet so dominant from time to time. When you are "horny", voice of reason is shut down, and you follow a basic instinct. In a Buddhist sense, there is no sin, but of course there is attachment along with a desire.
Naturally, cultural norms may vary in Buddhist countries as well, but that's another story, and not to be confused with the religion. It should be noted, however, that there is no consensus among Buddhists over these matters, and that is precisely because the five precepts are nothing like ten commandments! It is so apparent that whenever Christians talk about morals, they always refer to sexuality above all, and seem to be quite obsessed with an issue!
It was not the first time, and my experience is that it soon starts to run smoothly on its own. Once your mind is no longer constantly obsessed with sexual images, you feel so serene. Since I was not planning to stay that way for the rest of my life, and as I was already in love with someone new, while there was no need to force myself to celibate, I had to force myself to end it. It was so easy, almost natural, even if one must argue that celibacy in fact is NOT natural. Sex drive is natural. There was a point in my life when I thought I was on a gray area of asexuality, but today I can say I'm in fact a very sexual person - much more sexual than my partner. It may be a cause of frustration sometimes.
Because of my history and my personality, I had my first sexual encounters only at the age of 26. First, there was this Japanese boy, Masaki, whom I had a crush on, and he seemed to respond to my feelings. We didn't have "normal" sex, but BDSM, and I was the submissive party. It was very, very pleasureful; he only needed to hint if we went to "play", and it was like electricity going through my body. However, it requires, to me at least, such a special chemistry, that I have never wanted to go there with anyone else. That relationship burnt out just as fast as it was lit; my feelings turned to hate, and I left without goodbyes. He didn't seem to get a hint, and I heard him denying there ever was anything between us. Everybody worshiped him, but I got so close I started to see through him: he was very two-faced person - charming face to face, and saying the meanest things behind your back. I suspect our relationship was a little unbalanced anyway.
Under his influence, however, I also started to go to gay night club. If anything, I must thank him for the courage to finally come to terms with my sexual orientation and taking first steps to come out. First I felt such a freedom in that atmosphere. It didn't take long until I got tired. Unfortunately, I was and I have always been completely hopeless with the art of flirtation. I don't even notice when it happens, and I can't do it myself. Only few men had guts to make a direct move on me. That's when I learnt I was good looking; I was bullied at School and my self-esteem was crushed for many years; I thought nobody could like me.
Then I met my partner-to-be. The whole impulse for "hunting" men came from Masaki, who was constantly looking for girls (no, he was not gay - and unlike he liked to think, I came to conclusion he was not bi either!), and at that point I really wanted someone to push him aside from my life. It was not love at first sight, and I was torn within, because of my own inner contradictions. It was long and painful process. I had mixed and obscure motives. Maybe I grew to love my partner gradually, as I always used to say - or was it just an excuse to stay anyway - but even though he was cute, he was not exactly my type (neither was I his). At that time I really would have needed an active manly top man who knows what he's doing. He was top alright, but that's all. We did lose our virginity to one another, but I don't remember anything specific. I do remember better fooling around with some random dudes.
Nevertheless, we ended up being together for nearly 19 years, til the day he died, and our sex life was never active. For the last years it was already dead... just like my love for him, I'm afraid. In the end I think I never was the one he thought I was, or maybe I just changed. It was not the love story of the century, even if we both wanted to believe that.
In my 30's I had a kind of crisis and I cheated on him four times with two different guys within a month. The first guy was only 19 and very hot, but I couldn't fuck him; maybe it was a pressure of situation, or maybe it was a condom - I have never used one before or after (I have fucked two men so far - both of them several times during many years; I knew them and trusted them. I'm sorry, but I do prefer barebacking anytime!). The other one... well, it was getting too serious, so I decided I didn't want that.
I kept it a secret for two years, which was not hard for me to do, until my partner cheated on me one night, and he couldn't keep it to himself; I didn't want him to think he was worse than me. I wanted to hear all the details, and it only aroused me. We were able to talk about it and it strengthened our relationship then.
Years later we were talking about threesome, and one night he brought a cute Thai boy home. I like Asian boys, but I was not really excited about it at the time, because it was just too much of a surprise, and suddenly my partner seemed to lose his interest, leaving me with a boy. I blew him, only because he wanted to - not that I was very turned on. My problem exactly: to please others, no matter what I want. Then my partner got jealous: he started to shout and smash the doors, the boy left, and yet it was him who started it in the first place.
And then there was my partner's old friend... let's call him Jerry - not a Finnish name obviously. We were introduced at the same year I met my partner, and interaction between us was just awkward; if we were left alone in a room, we remained quiet.
However, when the two of them were drunk, Jerry told my partner he would like to lick me all over, and when I heard that, I got so aroused that since then it was my primary fantasy to be with him! He was very masculine, but he was also lying, cheating, stealing, picking a quarrel. Not a trustworthy person at all! Yet somehow I think that was a part of his attractiveness. He was a bad boy.
Years and years went by. Once we were all three drinking and playing "truth or dare", I dared him to drop his pants and show himself all around. He did the same to me. My partner even said to me privately, that he might allow me to fuck him, but not vice versa.
Then there was a time when I went to sauna with him (and in Finland we usually do it completely naked, you know), and my partner even encouraged him. He was just happy to see us getting along. While sitting there I said to him, "Looks good"; such a short comment, and yet so meaningful.
One time my partner even asked him to taste my dick in front of him, and after short hesitation, he did. Just a taste.
Once I was very drunk, and pulled his dick out and sucked it briefly, while two other gay men were watching and my partner was in a toilet.
Finally, we had a big apartment in the center of the city, and we took him as our subtenant as he was homeless. I don't remember exactly how, but at some point I willingly and knowingly started to seduce him, and one time my partner was out, he invited me to his room. We were sitting on the couch side by side, and started kissing (he was a good kisser!). We ended up in 69.
I would have liked to do it again, but he rejected me. Perhaps it was his guilty conscience. And since he was also a difficult person, always causing trouble and raising arguments with my partner, it was hard for me to deal with him and I came around. For my partner he was a guaranteed drinking companion, both of them being alcoholics, given that my partner would pay. They really deserved one another.
After many years from our "incident", he was no longer living with us, when I started to chat with him online. One time he was with my partner at our balcony, using his phone, while I was inside with my computer. He even invited me to sauna with him, but cancelled that with obvious excuse.
Then my partner died. (See "Through Death to Love".)
Soon after that Jerry told me he was afraid he was going to be the next one. He refused to come to the funeral, using harsh words, and other people were more offended on my behalf than I was; I understood a kind of anger was his way of dealing with sorrow he couldn't handle in any other way.
I moved to my own apartment with private sauna, and soon started to look for company online. Jerry offered to join me for sauna, and I even made sure he understood I wanted sex! But then all the sudden I fell in love. After I moved again (temporarily) to same town with my new boyfriend, one nigh Jerry called me - he had never done that before. He was drunk, obviously, and said he will love me forever! I was stunned, and could only mumble that I had always had feelings for him too. "Feelings" of lust, that is. Jerry was never actually even a friend to me, he was an object of desire. Even when he grew fatter and became "uglier" (he looked much older than me, and he was few years younger), I still wanted him. I must have been the last man who wanted him - too bad he didn't appreciate that fact enough. When my late partner grew fatter, I liked his appearance less and less, and I told him I always liked his personality anyway. There was nothing likable about Jerry's personality in the first place.
We moved back to my old home town, and one night Jerry invited me to his place, and I drove as fast as I could before he would change his mind. Almost as soon as I entered his home, he grabbed me and we started kissing and caressing each other, and took off our clothes. I sucked him, and then he fucked me, I was moaning; he was only the second man ever to do that. That was on December 2017. It was very satisfying to me, but as always, he didn't want to do it again. I told my partner about it, and he was fine with it; Jerry even visited us soon afterwards.
In 2019, few months after I had a heart surgery, he told on Facebook that he had had a heart attack. I didn't believe him. He had a history of lying about his health, seeking for attention. Once he told he had a cancer, and I made him to apologize that to me, before he could visit us again. In the beginning of 2020 he seemed to vanish from Facebook, and didn't answer my message. I began to suspect he might be dead. A mutual friend finally called civil registry, and it became official that he had passed away in January. Nobody knew that, so nobody has been to his funeral, which in a way is just fair if you think about his attitude when my late partner died.
I have not shed a tear for him. In fact, speculations about his possible death were a cause of joking and laughter between me and our mutual friend (no disrespect), before it was confirmed. If you want to be mourned after you're gone, you must live in a manner that you will be missed. It's a custom to say only nice things about the deceased, but I really don't know what to say about him. The dead won't suddenly turn to angels.
I'm surrounded by tragic destinies and lives ending too early. I almost feel guilt for my own life, but the world is not rotating around me. Each of us has a story of our own, even if they momentarily pass by one another. In this story there are two other stories included, but perspective is all mine. In its own weird way it is an obituary, even though someone might say it disparages the deceased. But doesn't it actually tell about me? It's not about their lives, but about my relationship to them. Now five years after my partner's death, I see our relationship from a better perspective, but it's no use to dig up dirt: what's done is done, and what's gone is gone - nothing can change it anymore. I love my present partner probably more than I ever loved my late partner - this time it was love before the first sight - and we are genuinely happy together.
What's the moral of the story, you might ask. Well, there isn't one. I'm not ashamed of myself. I started this by stating that I'm not a saint, neither I'm a good person or a bad person: I am the whole human being. Vices and virtues always coexist, and neither are good or bad in themselves. I refuse to restrict myself to certain role expected by others. I want to better myself, and my relation to other people in particular, but being a monk is not required!
I can count all the men with whom I've had any kind of sex during my life, even once, with the fingers of my two hands. So I could conclude that my "naughtiness scale" is extremely low. Not by my choice, though. In a way I wish I had been more "slutty" in my youth, but maybe I've been protected from (more) bad choices and harmful experiences. So, basically it is bold to tell you all this, and yet I have to admit it's not much. Now that I am down to earth spiritually, next I should expect to be liberated bodily.
It is my problem that I tend to think with my brain, not only with my dick. So there has to be a kind of mutual understanding, that we are on the same page, so to speak. As an introvert, I would find it very exhausting to meet always someone new, a complete stranger. I need to feel safe. That's why the idea of friends with benefits/fuck buddy is more appealing to me than casual sex with random guys.
I like many kinds of men, from young in their 20's to my age, thin and chubby, smooth and hairy, Caucasian, Asian, Black, bottom or versatile (like myself). Physical "perfection" is not my thing. I don't think there is anything personal about athletic model types - they could be made of plastic.
Neither is a big dick necessary to me - who wants to meet a dick? Once you have seen one dick pic, you have seen them all. Pleasant face is more important, and I like to see the pictures of full body, especially butt. Oral sex is just a foreplay to me, I enjoy a good fuck, giving or receiving, not to forget kissing and cuddling, not just humping all the way. I also like to rim, and I don't expect that done to me.
