LONESOME PATH

This is continuation to previous writings, DISILLUSIONED - ENGLIGHTENED, and CHANGES.

When I observe other spiritual or religious (I used to be "religious", now I'm rather "spiritual"!) people I know, it seems to me their spiritual life remains steady, in a sense that whether there are ups and downs - and who wouldn't have those? - they always keep their basic belief system anyway.

That is not the case with me. My spiritual life has had as many as THREE major turns. And I really mean everything turned upside down. I have told some details in this blog before, but I may have to repeat some and complete the story. 

As a child and young boy I believed in God, but Jesus was a distant figure to me. As a teenager, I got interested in Spiritualism. In my 20's I became a New Age geek. Then I got deeply involved with the gnostic mystery school, Lectorium Rosicrucianum, and that I count as my first major turn, because everything I had believed so far, changed radically, and very quickly - I took everything I was taught for granted, and didn't question any of it: homosexuality was wrong, meditation was dangerous, all churches should be avoided, and so on. World view of LR is esoteric, but practically it's more like extremely conservative and inward sect, like that of Jehovah's Witnesses.

After I met my partner, I could no longer keep going that road; I was looking for help, and I found it from The Christian Community: so I became a liberal Christian (esoterist). That was the second major turn: again I had to change my world view altogether, but this time it didn't just happen - I kind of had to force it; consequently, for the first few months I was like wandering in the desert, feeling no connection with God or other people. But then I felt like I had finally incarnated in this world and accepted my part as a being of this earth. And my newly found faith carried me over some really hard times - other people witnessed that I radiated light, I had inner light even in the middle of hardship. 

For ten years I was dedicated and active member of my congregation, but gradually in recent years things started to change again, this time slowly and by themselves. I no longer found joy in participating in church activities as I used to do, and I withdrew from many of them. All along I had many ambitions of my own - leading a prayer and discussion group and creating a website. Then came that final strike I report in my post, DISILLUSIONED - ENGLIGHTENED. I never really got over that - it stripped me off all my remaining idealism and opened my eyes to see the bare reality of human nature. Obviusly, that was not something completely new to me; it was a burden increased during all my life, until it was too much to bear and pretend it is not there. Starting from my 20's when I was extremely naive and unknowing, over-excited when making new friends - I've never had many - and expecting too much from them, I have become rather cynical. A cynical realist, as I would say. I have become convinced that you can't expect much from people, because no one really gives a shit! And so I don't give a shit anymore. Or maybe I do - too much - and that exactly is a problem! In my darkest moments I wish humanity would be destroyed, and there would be no life after death whatsoever.

Is it any wonder that Satan has entered my world, along with Christ, and not as adversary but as coequal "deity". Here I have found useful clarification from theology of the Process Church of the Final Judgment. (When I study some philosophy profoundly, I tend to become one with it, at least for a while.)  It is not about belief; it's just logical structure to work with. Satan brings separation, Christ is Unifier; man's task is to reconcile Satan with Christ through love, "to save God" who fragmented himself while creating the world, so that GOD can be reborn.
My dark side is very strong, and I don't think I can do any good by denying or rejecting it. Neither I can abandon Christ - so they just have to get along! It's like demon and angel within me in passionate and violent embrace. People talk about left-hand path and right-hand path, but it's difficult to live with only one hand, isn't it? For me, it's not about choosing one or the other; it's about unification, finding peace and love between the two. (See also my former post, "Satan loves you!")
Also, Satan obviously appeals to me because of rebellious nature associated with him, now that I have broken my ties with formal Christianity and Church institution, and as I have always rebelled against human norms. Yet I'm very conscientious and dutiful person; I have to be strong and I have to take care of everything. Part of me is tired and wants to let go. But I can not. I must carry on for others dependent on me.

The following quote was taken from forum of The Sect of the Horned God, and it resonates with my way of thinking:

"Deities (or gods, demons, whatever) are aspects of the human mind, or psyche if you like to sound all educated and posh. They do not exist in a literal or abstract sense, at least not in the physical meaning. They are not real on an objective level (obviously), but they are very real inside the mind of a person and do not rule the mind but are a part of it.
They exist as focal points of different aspects of our personality and when used in myth, are magnified parts of human behavior and human emotion. In short, gods are personified emotions and impulses, symbolic representations of parts of ourselves.
Now this is just what I perceive them to be. But they also have a use, else they would not exist, or at least, nobody would bother giving them a name and talking about them. Gods help us in two ways. Firstly, they help us understand ourself and the world around us. To do so, people have created myths to give gods a backdrop to show us what they are about and what their goals are. These myths are nothing more than generalized experiences or perhaps dreams people had long ago and simplified and generalized down into a form that was usable for everyone. With that, we come to the second use of gods, exploring our inner selves, both our subconscious as well as the conscious parts of ourselves we do not know, have repressed or simply do not understand. In this respect, gods are useful as focal points, guides that help us on the path to discovering, understanding and developing ourself. We might use them in rituals and at that time suspend our disbelief and chant incantations, pray to them or bring them offerings to strike a bargain or ask them to do something for us. While at that time we disconnect ourselves from the real world and for the purpose of the ritual may believe in them (even though in the back of our head we still know they aren't real), we only use them at that time to connect with ourselves. Because gods are a part of ourselves, this means of communication makes it easier to connect with our subconscious. This is the same reason why symbols and certain mythological concepts are understood by people from around the world in largely the same manner, because it speaks to a part of ourselves that we normally aren't able to come in contact with, but which is nevertheless very potent and has a very big influence on the way we lead our lives. I suppose you could say they are the lense through which our subconscious sees the outer world and function both as windows to see into our subconscious and as a mirror to show us who we really are."

Even I'm not sure if I'm just trying to refrain from making a final conclusion that I have actually become an agnostic. Still I rather define myself as Gnostic, which of course is basicly quite the opposite - but in modern usage it is highly ambiguous. See for example, "Are you a Gnostic?" , which is one of the loosest definitions I have seen. Contrary to that, Lectorium Rosicrucianum represents very pure and original Gnosticism with its sharp distinction between material world and Divine world - very strict doctrine. For me, gnosticism today rather means absolute freedom and individuality in matters of Spirit.

And to doubt the existence of God? I find myself incapable to do that. At least for now. Even though God may be so transcendent, mankind is left alone on earth and we have no choice but to make up these theological concepts and images trying to cope with this existential loneliness. So there are "lesser gods", or "manifested gods", we are dealing with, instead of The Absolute.

Basically, mine is a kind of "do-it-yourself-religion". When I think too much - and I do have a sad tendency for that - I may feel deep desperation for human condition, but when I just practice ritualistic devotion and meditation, I am connected with Higher Source (or that still point within, which is One with the Source); intellect separates and heart unites. Those who do not think, they don't see, and therefore they don't suffer so much. Suffering is inevitable companion for enlightenment, for seeing more clear. I often find myself asking that classical question: "Am I crazy or is everyone else crazy?"
I guess it has everything to do with my fundamental characteristics - being an introvert. It very much defines who I am as a person. There was a time I was desperately seeking for connection with other people through spiritual groups; I can not deny sometimes I was succesful, usually within some common meditative setting; but mostly, time after time I was disappointed. Now I have come to understand that I don't need community; weakness of spiritual community is more or less required common belief system, doctrinal unity. I can not share that with anyone. As satanist Diane Vera so well puts it, "If a group of people agree on the idea that 'there shall be no dogmas,' then that idea in itself has thereby become a group dogma -- or, more precisely, a metadogma (a dogma about dogmas). Furthermore, whenever any group of people gets together for any common purpose whatsoever, that common purpose is a group dogma. But there are many things that a united group of people can accomplish which its individual members couldn't accomplish (at least not nearly as easily) all by themselves. So, an absolute prohibition on dogma  -  if it were logically possible  -  would severely limit human achievement."
My path is lonesome, and so be it. There have always existed hermits who practice their spirituality in solitude, apart from human society, yet interceding for all mankind. I have read it is easier to "love all people" if you stay away from them - in my experience that sounds understandable.  I don't need to isolate myself from the society - wilderness of my mind is enough. The best discussions I've always had with myself, in my mind.
And when you connect with The Divine, isn't there invisible connection with other people who connect with The Divine as well? "The communion of saints", as the Apostles' Creed puts it, be they living or dead. And I don't think it knows any boundaries of Faith either. This is what the plural form of The Our Father is referring to, and "When two or three are gathered in my Name..." does not necessarily mean in one place at the same time. (This poem of mine, called "Sorrowful Role of Humanity", depicts my feelings very well; it was inspired - came through me without much thinking. You might think it's gloomy, but I see a glimpse of hope there after all.)
When I practice, I don't "believe" something - I AM present in the presence of The Divine. There is neither belief or disbelief at that time, just being; openness and receptivity. Certain images and ideas are enlivened, and it's like opening a window to spiritual realm; for a short moment, reality becomes transparent for the otherworldly. 

DISILLUSIONED - ENLIGHTENED

Note on 12/21/2013: Now that I have revealed the whole story also on my Finnish blog, without hiding any facts, I can say that my denomination is The Christian Community, and the other one mentioned is The Liberal Catholic Church.

In this writing I will reveal the unpleasant truth – some who know me may also know factual connection, but since I don’t give names and even write in foreign language, no one can forbid me to write and publish these things in my personal blog: it is therapy I need during this turmoil of events. Yet the closer people are to the centre of events, the more they should be aware of what is happening. Now it’s very “hush, hush”. I don’t know how much talking there is behind my back. I hope my thoughts may have value to other people in similar situations. And I’m sure there are many of them.

New Year began in a hard way for me. I was attacked by small but VERY LOUD group (of four people) within my congregation. (To be more precise, there is one person with three yes men.) And only because we were supposed to organize ecumenical meeting with another denomination, and that was my initiative. Now it had to be cancelled; our pastor – who was supportive to idea – was put against the wall. She had no other choice at that point. There was very intentional and dirty scheming behind the scenes. It was carefully planned so that only priests were called for meeting – the one, whom it mostly concerned, me, was disregarded - and they refused to tell anything in advance, so that nobody could be prepared. And they totally manipulated another priest present, just as they wished. 

I was accused of bringing “opposing forces” to our church, and making it appear like a sect, when in fact, these same people judged according to their behaviour, clearly represented “opposing forces”, and by their attitude, they were making our church precisely a narrow-minded sect. Their accusations would be ridiculous, unless they were also so sad, telling about their fears and prejudices.

This is not the church I came in 15 years ago, and these people don’t represent the church I have come to know. What they represent is distorted caricature of it; their behaviour is completely against the Spirit of Christ, It’s anti-Christian. These self-proclaimed “guardians of the truth” are nothing but fossils clinging to the past, refusing to come over to this day. Pride – worst of all sins: “We are so excellent and know it all; we don’t need to know anything outside our own comfort zone.”

Even my Mystical Order of the White Rose –Scandinavian Skete of Mary Magdalene website was their target, since I mentioned my church few times - when for example, I told about my own spiritual journey - and always in neutral manner, emphasizing, it had nothing to do with contents of this site. I have deleted those parts – in fact, I have deleted every sentence on this blog where I named my church, just like I have deleted my Facebook badge (I used to be open about my identity online; I’m happy to tell you my whole name if you contact me, and welcome you to befriend with me on Facebook!). I feel like standing before the inquisition accused of heresy and witchcraft; I’m sure they would gladly burn me at the stake if that was possible these days.

As I have been a member of the spiritual school, where they strongly warned against all churches and their Services – which caused me great difficulties when I first started to attend this church I belong nowadays – I dare to claim I have much wider perspective on these matters than these people attacking me. Not to mention the fact I have same inner experience of that other church we were going to meet, as the one I belong, and I know many people who attend both churches and like them both, even people who have family members in both churches. Their experiences have been questioned too, not only mine!

I’m only sorry to hold on to my right to think for myself, and regret I ever took “Freedom of thought” claims of my church seriously.

I’ve had support, but I’m not satisfied; I don’t need to defend myself against such an absurd and crazy accusations, but neither I feel I’m getting justice, because we “need to listen, discuss, understand, and give a chance…” blah, blah, blah. These same people harmed our congregation 20 years ago, before my time, until they disappeared. Today, as the priests have changed, they have crawled back to continue their wicked games. Until now, my congregation was like a haven of peace, and I only heard distant echoes of troubles elsewhere. But the snake is back in paradise. If these people haven’t changed in 20 years, how could we expect it to happen now, just like that?! Forgiveness is indeed a Christian virtue, but it is followed by demand, “sin no more”!

Our former, retired pastor was a strict character, and even I had my disagreements with him, but now I have come to respect him in a new way: at least he kept trouble-makers out!

I feel like I’m pushed in the corner. It’s like the atmosphere of my congregation is poisoned; I don’t feel like going there anymore. I have many duties, which I think I will reduce. Now I have to put myself first and protect myself. I would not expect less than apology from these people, but I don’t think I will have it; people like them rarely are capable to admit they have done anything wrong. I’m not the only one who’s been in their teeth: in their great arrogance and egoism they void every opinion that contradicts their illusions, and roll over other people with aggressive zeal.

However, all my spiritual life has been under major changes for at least over a year or so. I have never stopped seeking and asking questions – even doubting and questioning. I think that is healthy – only when there is movement, there is life.

I prayed for a sign from God, which way to go, and suddenly I realized, this is it: God works in marvellous ways – He can use adversities as His messengers. And it happened right in the beginning of the year, when I wanted to start something new. It seems to me, God is saying, “You don’t need a church. You don’t need a religion. You need to live!”

Don’t get me wrong: God and church, God and religion… completely different things. Religion does not make you happy; if you take it too seriously, it will make you crazy. In the middle of hardship, you see what is really important in life; it is so self-evident, you may often fail to see it: close and dear people and pets.

For me, religion is a kind of “Holy play”. I remember as a child – and even a bit older – I created these fantasy worlds in my mind... and in what dedication I prepared for play before I even started. Now I see it’s still the same thing as an adult; now it just takes place within frames of religion. I don’t know if there is life after death, I don’t know if Christ is a real person. I don’t think it matters! People only tend to make God smaller whenever something is said about Him.

I think the Kingdom of Heaven is a realm of creativity and imagination, and “being like little children” refers to devotion – literally – that children have when they play; they don’t need to seek the Kingdom of Heaven, they live in it, and at the same time they enjoy the world around with all their senses. So, don’t be too grown up, don’t take religion too seriously!

Religious life is concerned with feelings, and that’s why it may also cause collisions between persons, no matter how reasonable they think they are.

I have been hurt by religion before – that’s when I came to my present church, where I thought no one could come in the name of the church to tell me, how I should think or live. And how wrong I was! Now I see this church has also become too narrow for me – I have grown beyond it.

All churches are alike, there is no ideal community on this earth, since people make community, and people are alike everywhere; in every place there are all kinds of people – including dogmatic fanatics. Noble and high principles don’t make a difference – it is life that matters. For me, damage has been done – if you want to call it that way; I would rather call it enlightenment – I’m disillusioned. Right now I’m ashamed of my church, and yet, it is not I who should be ashamed! 

Life may often bring you suffering you can not avoid. But at least modern Westerner more or less chooses his or her religious affiliations – even if you have been raised within certain belief system. When religion, that is supposed to support you in this life too, and not only in after life, instead causes you suffering, it can’t be right.

Last time I had to deal with spiritual movement that forbade me to live as a gay man. It was a hard struggle. Even after I had resigned and joined this other community, where that was not a problem, it took me 10 years before I was able to admit even to myself, that I had belonged to narrow-minded sect, and stopped explaining it was my fault that I couldn’t adapt. Also to get rid of my past, I once needed to commit myself to my new community very deeply. 

Lately, thinkers who have seen a bigger picture outside the box attract me; people like Gurdjieff and Krishnamurti. I also realized a long time dream and took part in Zen meditation class. I have began to practice twice a day – oh, how much I had longed for meditation, and now I don’t understand why it was so hard to begin in the first place – and go to Zendo weekly. Zen is so simple; it is life itself, just pure being here and now. With my background of esoteric Christianity, today I’m just fed up with theories and speculations about life after death, reincarnation, karma… I need something real right now! I’m not dead yet. And mere theories and speculations they remain, for people simply choose to believe what this or that spiritual teacher wrote. Even if they had psychic experiences of their own, they just choose to believe they mean something. You know nothing. I know nothing. Nobody knows! Period.

There are many great examples of uniting Zen methods with Christianity as well. (I have always honored Buddha as well.) To the horror of more traditional minds, I think it is justified in our time for individual – and I do mean a true individual, not another sheep in a flock – to form his or her own beliefs and practices.

As I have stated in my vision, “Future is for the religion of the Holy Spirit: Spirit unites people with invisible bonds, from within.”

I always remember how one priest of my church once said, the ultimate purpose of churches and priests is to make themselves useless! For long time now, I have felt I don’t really need a church anymore, except for community. Like Jesus said, “A time is coming and in fact has come…” Future is already here – it won’t come to humanity as a whole, it will come gradually to individual people, one by one, here and there.

 I am a priest to myself. Every night in my daily prayers I have spiritual communion. It would be a small step to bless a piece of bread and some grape juice and experience that as valid Eucharist, but I have refrained from that action because I have been still going to church.

There is an excellent website – Ways of Christ – available in many languages (including my native tongue, Finnish), which I have found to be very informative and useful. I have no idea who is behind it, but it certainly is not restricted to the “one and only truth”. For question, why would man need a church or community, they answer:

It is, of course, possible to have an individual connection to Jesus Christ and to God. This is the heart of the matter. Even the impulses required from outside can come directly by God's guidance if one notices these finer signs.

However, there is another level of this connection, which can only unfold in community with others: "Where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18, 19-20). At first this simply means what it says. This experience would be more difficult from a distance, e.g. if people synchronize it; but it is possible. A mystic might experience that unity even without verbal arrangement, although that would be too much for most people. People are not usually born for the hermit life.

This kind of prayer fellowship can lead to a regular private circle. One can also find it in a parish, or in another religious community fitting to one's individual belief. Even though the tradition of some churches may over-emphasize their role for the believers, this doesn't change the purpose of being in community with others.

Online community is community too, even more so, if people involved pray for one another. And when it comes to Communion, it is said:

The bread represents the substance (and/or the soul) of Jesus Christ, the "Word of God". The wine represents the divine spirit of Christ, which gives life to this Word of God for altruistic work. The Catholic Church stressed the change of the substance of the bread and wine to the pure flesh and blood of Jesus, while the Protestant Churches stressed the remembrance of Jesus. On one hand both are right. Scientists found out that even the simple "holy water" of the Catholic Church shows that the angle of the water molecules had changed. However, the most important viewpoint would be the change within the person taking part, by attuning to what really radiates from the transformed and transforming "flesh and blood" of Jesus Christ. So it would be good to do this practice in the churches with great concentration. Some even tried to do this directly in spirit only - without the visible help of bread and wine – and still felt the effect, which is a lot more difficult to achieve. For those who want to practice a blessed meal without claiming it to be a "Holy Sacrament" of the church, it can be called "Agape" - supper of love.