The most important book I read last year, was definitely a biography of Jiddu Krishnamurti by Mary Lutyens, freshly published in Finnish in 2024. It is said to be the only official biography. The writer knew Krishnamurti personally over 70 years.
I have been interested in Krishnamurti for a long time, even though I still have read up on his works very little. It is admirable how he disclaimed the role that was envisioned for him, and began to teach his own truth. [Here you can find the text of the talk he gave on August 3, 1929, when he dissolved The Order of the Star that he was head of. Years and years later he maintained that the core of his teaching is included in the sentence, "Truth is a pathless land".]
Minor references in this book to theosophical clairvoyant and liberal catholic bishop, C.W. Leadbeater, who supposedly found Krishnamurti, strengthen my judgement that he was NOT a highly developed man: he was full of himself and wanted to make himself important. The path of initiation as he saw it, was mere fantasy. He was disappointed and thought Krishnamurti had "failed". Instead, Annie Besant, president of the Theosophical Society and his foster mother, "was the one person who never doubted that Krishnaji [Krishnamurti's nickname] was the world teacher. She had warned everyone that when the World Teacher manifests, he may say things completely contrary to what they expect."* Reputedly she later said in private, that maybe he was greater than we imagined: not expected world teacher, but the truth itself walking quietly among us.
Personally, I have always enjoyed ceremonies of the Liberal Catholic Church, but I have recognized their imperfection: in an attempt to renew the Christian Church in 1916, they were too hasty, and renewal was left halfway. They still lean too much on the old tradition. The Christian Community did it much better a few years later, in 1922. I'm still a member of the latter one, yet an ex-christian.
Even in this book, a question is left unanswered if Maitreya actually was behind Krishnamurti. It seems that he himself was equally puzzled. He did say, "I have never denied the Masters, but Leadbeater and Arundale [also a bishop in LCC, and the president of the Theosophical Society after passing of Annie Besant in 1933, leading it until 1945] brought what was sublime to the ridiculous, and I denied the ridiculous."*
All his life he underwent something that he called "process", which caused him great pains. But a feelings of bliss and sacredness were there too.
Osho, a controversial modern guru, who had some interesting ideas, but whom I can't possibly consider enlightened (if you have seen Netflix documentary series, Wild Wild Country, you know what I mean), valued Krishnamurti, and said he was on the mountain top and his listeners were down in the valley. He also said, Krishnamurti didn't give answers, he was the answer. That is an impression you might get while listening to recordings of his speeches. [see the YouTube Channel of Krishnamurti Foundation.] Sometimes he seems a little frustrated: "You have listened to me for decades, and you haven't changed! Change now, not tomorrow." At some point he states, he has been like he is since childhood, "a freak of nature". Perhaps he was not able to see how hard that, which was natural to him, was for other people? He has been criticized by some for not offering any method.
One has to find the answer for oneself; one has to wipe the slate clean and begin again, knowing that no one outside is going to help you - no authority, no belief, no religious sanctions, no moral standards - nothing. Nor will the past, with its scriptures, saviours, gurus, and all that. These are no longer important.
Jiddu Krishnamurti, talk to young people 2, Brandeis University, 21 October 1968
Krishnamurti met Dalai Lama and they had philosophical conversation in spirit of mutual respect. Dalai Lama said that Krishnamurti is one of the greatest thinkers of our Era. He also had discussions with physicist David Bohm. I have cited him as I told of my interest in quantum physics: there is a logical continuation from quantum physics to Krishnamurti - it's all about the nature of reality, and our status in it. This is an example how ideas come to me at the right time, in right order, to support my spiritual growth. I think even my experience at Lectorium Rosicrucianum, with Gnosticism, was valuable [For both, quantum physics and gnosticism, see my previous post, This I know in my Heart: My Experience of Gnosis]: there is some truth about their teachings, that is, we are influenced, we are lived, and we must change: become neutral, inwardly silent. But you don't need to belong to a group - rather I see it as an individual task, even lonely task - neither you need forced restrictions, nor all that unnecessary esoteric hogwash. Just listen to Krishnamurti; he is the purest embodiment of this mental state.
To stand alone is to be uncorrupted, innocent, free of all tradition, of dogma, of opinion, of what another says, and so on. Such a mind does not seek, because there is nothing to seek; being free, such a mind is completely still, without a want, without movement.
Jiddu Krishnamurti, Ojai 2nd public talk, 7th August 1955
Krishnamurti was asked what he thought about Buddha, and he answered he didn't: thought does not reach the realm of understanding. Allegedly he also said that nobody listened to Buddha, and that's why we have Buddhism. Naturally, same can be said of Jesus and Christianity. When a Buddhist scholar listed things Krishnamurti seemed to agree on with Buddha, Krishnamurti first asked why such a comparison. He did say, however, that Buddha had always appealed to him.
Just before reading the book, I was worried about my mental health: I felt I went so deep on the edge of desperation, minding the state of humanity today. It has been a long process. Most of all I have been bothered by the fact, that I am just like everyone else! I have strong opinions, I can easily take a side and get agitated by those I disagree with. Yet, people really don't have opinions of their own - we absorb everything from outside. I even questioned if I want to be part of the human race. I remember reading that according to early Christian Desert Fathers, to truly love mankind and pray for all one needs to take distance. That's why they retreated from the world. Similarly, I find it necessary to keep mental distance today: I no longer follow the News that much - they are often speculating about the worst case scenarios and causing pointless fear and worry. Likewise, it has become essential for me not to read internet forums or comments; then you will definitely lose hope about the future of mankind (and I don't mean no one should comment on my posts: I write about such a marginal stuff, it won't interest many, so apparently I don't attract attention of bullies either.)
Humanity has gone through devaluation, now that anyone can vomit the content of their mind for the eyes of others. Three poisons defined in Buddhism - attachment or greed, aversion or hatred, and ignorance - are just as relevant today as ever. [A good description of them is given here.]
When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a European or anything else, you are being violent. Do you see why it is violent? Because you are separating yourself from the rest of mankind. When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality, by tradition, it breeds violence.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
I have used a phrase, "I'm only human", as an excuse not to try. Now, thanks to Krishnamurti, it has become clear to me: Yes, it all starts with me, I must change! It won't start with states or companies, but with individuals. Even peace is attained only by striving for peace in one's own life. That is a message nobody likes to hear, because it demands so much from you - your whole life! It is not enough to protest, vote, recycle, go vegan... it is all external. The real change occurs within. Also, it is not about definitions of "good" and "evil", and following commands or precepts; that is only shifting the focus within old confines. It is about observing oneself, and becoming aware; that much I'm able to understand.
The man who wants to improve himself can never be aware, because improvement implies condemnation and the achievement of a result. Whereas in awareness there is observation without condemnation, without denial or acceptance.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Since the beginning of my Buddhist practice in 2018, I have been praying in silent prayers of my daily Gongyo (which I have modeled after examples given by other independent practitioners online, usually ex-SGI members), "for the great aspiration of Buddha; peace for land generated by means of the purification of mind." It is gratifying to see clear evolution in your spiritual life: difficult matters ripen in your mind slowly but surely, and produce fruits of insight at some point. Sometimes they can be "self-evident", something you have read and known in theory, until they come to life to you in personal realization when you are ready.
To transform the world, we must begin with ourselves; and what is important in beginning with ourselves is the intention. The intention must be to understand ourselves and not to leave it to others to transform themselves or to bring about a modified change through revolution, either of the left or of the right. It is important to understand that this is our responsibility, yours and mine...
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Also only now I better understand Bodhisattva vows, that are part of my practice, as they are part of Nichiren Shu Gongyo. Like, "sentient beings are innumerable: I vow to save them all." What - I, all!? That is exactly one man's responsibility as part of the whole, just like you take part in all negativity along with the rest of mankind. I once heard that at least in the US at some schools of Buddhism, they have replaced that with a phrase, "I am with them": it is uninspiring, and undermines the whole statement. I may understand, that Westerners might easily be reminded of Christianity and Jesus, who alone saves all. "The way of the Buddha is unexcelled: I vow to attain the Path Sublime." [See "How to be a Bodhisattva" by Nichiren Shu UK.]
Sentient beings obviously include not only humans. I don't believe in Christian idea of man as a "crown of creation", who was given dominion over other species. We are one species among others. Even intellect hasn't been only beneficial for us, we have misused it a lot. I think animals who act according to their nature, are more purely what they are and closer to their original purpose. Man is the greatest reason for their suffering as well, therefore their liberation must begin by man.
As a Christian I used to say again and again to myself: neighborly love begins with yourself. Indeed. It is a paradox, that when the spiritual path takes you deeper and deeper within, it may seem self-centered. But when a man acknowledges one's own responsibility for the state of whole human race, their perception will enlarge inevitably. You are part of the problem, unless you're part of the solution. You can either go with a flow - highway to hell with the majority of mankind - or you can go to counter-current with the few who can see.
If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
I have known about Krishnamurti from 1990's, along with Theosophy. It seems that I already have everything I need: I just really need to realize it. Moments of anxiety and desperation always seem to precede the greatest realizations. There is nothing new to me, but sometimes I may lose inner resolution out of my sight, while worrying what is wrong with human race around me, human race I'm part of. I seem to be very disposed to influences, which often shows in negative ways, but in this case it is manifested through openness and receptivity as I listen to Krishnamurti. I feel I receive something, even if understanding was not reached right away.
When I understand myself, I understand you, and out of that understanding comes love. Love is the missing factor; there is a lack of affection, of warmth in relationship; and because we lack that love, that tenderness, that generosity, that mercy in relationship, we escape into mass action which produces further confusion, further misery. We fill our hearts with blueprints for world reform and do not look to that one resolving factor which is love.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
When I told my old friend about my interest in quantum physics, I was disappointed in his weak reaction. This time at least as enthusiastic about Krishnamurti as I was in quantum physics, I just noted with understanding that nothing in him resonated with this.
My own small insights along the way have pointed at the same direction, built me up bit by bit, and I feel that what Jiddu Krishnamurti is talking about, is the next logical step on spiritual evolution, that goes beyond all religions. It requires questioning all knowledge assumed until now. Even I'm still too attached to my Buddhism. I'm like a vessel filled with finest wines, but I'd rather go to fountain of fresh water springing up in me.
How can you think about something which you do not know? You may have read the Bible, the Bhagavad-Gita, or other books in which various erudite scholars have skillfully described what God is, asserting this and contradicting that; but as long as you do not know the process of your own thinking, what you think about God may be stupid and petty, and generally it is.
Below a documentary for DVD of Lucasfilm television series, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles (1992 - 1996). I used to watch it, and the only episode I can remember, was the one where young Indy met Krishnamurti; Leadbeater and Besant were portrayed as well. I was excited about Theosophy at that time, so it was very intriguing to me.
Jiddu Krishnamurti: The Reluctant Messiah [26:48]:
Last summer it became clear to me, that I want to include something communal or social in my life. It would surely do good for me. My "safe space" is with my husband: other people have started to feel intimidating. I felt anticipation as I decided this. It is a main thing that it is Buddhist; differences of schools don't matter, I was thinking.
Obviously there are many options in my home town, Tampere - like a branch of Finnish Sangha of Thich Nhat Hahn, which is interesting to me - but then I found meeting of rainbow sangha by buddhist centre of Triratna in Helsinki, especially aimed for LGBTQ-people, in September 2025. It was on Saturday, 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Here was combined LGBTQ-issue and Buddhism... just like in my black gemstone prayer beads ("Juzu") there are two times six beads in rainbow colors of Pride flag [available in Lotus Lion Design webstore]. Naturally, I'm gay as a Buddhist, and my Buddhism includes my sexuality; they don't exclude one another. I have always been fascinated by Gay Buddhist Fellowship in San Francisco (I listen to their podcast). I have bemoaned there is nothing similar in Finland; you can obviously take part virtually in Zoom, but it is not the same thing. I'm not only fascinated by that gay-part, but also because GBF gathers Buddhist practitioners from different schools and doesn't form a school of its own.
My buddhist gemstone prayer beads, "Juzu"
Now this may be the closest thing in Finland. According to its own definition, Triratna is for modern Westerners, and independent of Buddhist schools. Centre in Finland is almost as old as I am (founded in 1973).
Founder of Triratna, Sangharakshita, was also a gay man. And a controversial figure, I know. Man is a sexual being, and fallible: I don't hold it against him, because he's not a "guru" to me. I have always liked his books; it carries more weight (one of them is about the Lotus Sutra, which is the supreme sacred text in Nichiren Buddhism that I practice). He did nothing illegal, even though misusing authority by seducing younger men is obviously unethical.
I don't accept cancel culture. I have always liked music of Marilyn Manson, and Sandman (both graphic novel and Netflix series) by Neil Gaiman. Once I listened to Finnish Buddhist podcast, as the hosts discussed how the teacher of their tradition got caught cheating his wife with prostitutes. I was only amazed at how hard it seemed to be for them to understand!
Case of Sangharakshita was discussed openly at the meeting in Helsinki, and I can't repeat it publicly because of confidentiality of occasion. But it is difficult for me to see what shortcomings of the deceased person have to do with the group gathering today, or how they would invalidate anything good that person has accomplished.
For rational and balanced view, see Robert M. Ellis, Sangharakshita: Time to Depolarize the Discussion. Robert M. Ellis has written a book, The Thought of Sangharakshita: A Critical Assessment (Equinox 2020). I haven't read it yet, but I'm going to. He says, his book is "the first ever attempt to put Sangharakshita's thinking in a balanced critical context." Furthermore, "I was able to attempt this task from a point of view that was sympathetic to some of Sangharakshita's most noble goals in bringing Buddhism and the West together, but also very critical of some of the mistakes he made in trying to fulfil those goals." Ellis talks about his book also in video podcast on YouTube.
Altar of Triratna Buddhist Centre in Helsinki
Anyway, back to the meeting. There were total of nine participants present, including the hosts. Except for them, everyone was new. There had been only one meeting before in spring 2025. We started with guided metta-meditation; it really made me feel present at the moment, and dispelled all wandering and nervous thoughts. We discussed. One topic was ethical precepts of Buddha, as formulated by Sangharakshita in positive form: Loving kindness; generosity; stillness, simplicity, and contentment; truthful communication; clear and radiant mindfulness. I understand they may be easier to adopt this way, "I want to train this quality in me", rather than "don't do this or that."
We had lunch and tea. Ended with meditation. Donation (dana) was desirable, but not mandatory. I was really happy I decided to go, and my foremost feeling was that I could go again. I asked my husband if he wants to go with me, but waking up early in the morning was too much for him, and I found that was absolutely fine: last time I had done anything like this on my own, was in 2022! It only confirms my understanding, that Buddhism is my thing, and it is good! My Christian phase identifies in my mind with a relationship with my deceased partner - it was "our thing".
A day in Helsinki was very full, so I cared to get up early and travel all the way (180 kilometers and 1,5 hours by train from Tampere). And it's not too often, although I missed the next meeting in January 2026, because it wasn't notified early enough beforehand. I would not go to Helsinki like every month or so. It is nice to visit there, but even nicer to get out. Train trip went very smoothly, as I watched Netflix on my phone. It was a short walk to Buddhist Centre from railway station - I was able to find my way back without navigator.
All in all, it was positive experience, and it deepened my own conviction as well. I was inspired to edit silent prayers of my Gongyo, especially taking refuge in the Three Jewels, so that they emphasize interpretation of Nichiren Buddhism, that of Nichiren Shu in particular. I just combined phrases in new order, keeping also Pali verses I have used since partaking of the virtual Refuge Ceremony in Zoom by Nichiren Shu Temple in Seattle USA, in 2020.
Buddham Saranam Gacchami. Honor be to the eternal Shakyamuni Buddha, our original teacher. I strive to manifest my inherent enlightenment.
Dhammam Saranam Gacchami. Honor be to the Sutra of the Lotus Flower of Wonderful Dharma. I actualize Buddha's wisdom, vast as the sea.
Sangham Saranam Gacchami. Honor be to the Great Bodhisattva, Nichiren Shonin, who formed the foundation for our Buddhism. As Bodhisattva of the earth, I show respect for all people as future Buddhas.
I think Sangha - Buddhist community - can be many things at the same time. Rainbow Sangha of Triratna is one thing, a concrete gathering of people. My experience of practice instituted by Nichiren, which connects me to this particular tradition, is another thing, and in its own way it is more powerful, even though I don't belong to any organization or go to any group practicing this tradition.
Sangharakshita has said (this is my translation from Finnish, since I don't have original text):
It is quite enough to choose such a method of spiritual practice, that suits our own needs, for instance, suitable meditation method. We don't need to belong to sectarian organization, which excludes all others. We don't need to be Theravadan, or Zen, or Mahayanist - we can be just Buddhist. Buddhism itself can be interpreted very widely. According to Buddha's own criteria, all that is Buddhism, which supports individual to become enlightened. Among religious teachers Buddha alone seems to understand that religion is actually a development process of an individual. Sectarian organizations lose this out of their sight, and in fact many of them express mainly negative feelings. We can manage much better without their discrimination and intolerance.
My own practice is the center of my spiritual life, and from the beginning I have decided to stay independent. Of course my practice makes me specifically a Nichiren Buddhist, but not exclusively! It is entirely up to me, after all.
I have been to spiritual LGBTQ-group before, but it was mostly composed of Christians, which is not surprising as we live in mostly Christian country. And last time I was there, we talked about LGBTQ-themed films and TV-shows.
However, I think it is good to practice together, in silence, and silent meditation can only unite Buddhists of different schools, as silence can unite people despite of religion. When I was a Christian, I led a spiritual LGBTQ-group for some time, and I tried to initiate a five minutes period of silence for starters, but it didn't get much appreciation. Of course it was wrong to force people to form, which was meaningful only for myself, but I still don't have understanding for those who can not be silent even for a moment.
Another book I may have to read someday, is My Buddha is Pink: Buddhism from a LGBTQI-Perspective by Richard Harrold (Sumeru Books). It is based on author's blog by the same name, still existing. He is practicing Theravada Buddhism, which is notable difference, because as far as I understand, it particularly emphasizes ethics and takes precepts quite literally. Therefore it doesn't speak to me. I have learnt Mahayana's take on precepts is flexible. Of course Nichiren Buddhism is very original in this respect too. Japanese Buddhism in general is another matter entirely. See English Summary of my other blog, about Nichiren Buddhism: I offer some links about five precepts I have found useful. See also my link list of webpages concerning Buddhism and LGBTQ-issue.
According to Finnish journalist Jussi Ahlroth, who has practiced Vajrayana for 20 years, a word Buddhism was introduced in Western world at the beginning of 19th Century; it was a Western way to bundle different traditions, that are related to Buddha and Buddha's teachings. While Christianity is about the truth, Buddhism is about the method. And methods of various Buddhist schools may be seriously conflicted, because instructions and methods how to see things and how to practice Buddhism, may be totally contrary. Ultimately, emptiness and indivisibility are true in Buddhism.
My Christian friend once asked me if I believe Buddha is still present as a spiritual being. That was to me just as irrelevant question as if I believe in god. It tells a lot about him and how far our thoughts are from one another. I'm not looking for Buddha outside of myself. Through his teachings historical Buddha is present as well, and thus "eternal".
However, I found a quote that says it very well as to god:
Buddhism is often regarded as "atheistic", but such a term only makes sense in an overtly theistic context when we know what it is we are supposed to deny. Nor are any other endless western "isms" which surround interpretations of Buddhism any more successful.
This quote is from Michael Barnes, who is a professor of interreligious relations, and a Jesuit. So, coming from a Christian scholar, I think it is right to the point.
I have read that tantric influences are found in many Mahayana-schools of Japanese Buddhism, although there is only one completely tantric school in Japan: Shingon. Nichiren Buddhism was mentioned as one example. There are tantric elements in Nichiren Buddhism, for instance, an idea that enlightenment is possible during one lifetime. And Buddhist Tantra or Vajrayana starts from direct identification with Buddha Nature, which already exists within, instead of slow and gradual development path of ethicalness and morality. Sounds very familiar to me.
I have been thinking... if that what I know about Buddhism, and what I like about it, is Buddhism interpreted by Westerners for Westerners, there's nothing wrong with that! It rises from Buddhism, Buddhism inspires those interpretations too. Then it is living - not some rigid doctrine, that can be applied stiffly in one way only. I am a Westerner, who practices Japanese Buddhism, and that bears a unique characteristic.
Collage made by me: it depicts how humans have always meditated on death. Harmony of colors pleases my eye.
In my post,Life Journey, in 2020 I stated that "my funeral one day will be conducted by the rite of The Christian Community anyway", even though I had been Buddhist for two years. But already in 2021 I began to change my mind. In any other context I would eliminate excessive Christian material and references to God. So, it started to bother me more and more that my own conviction wouldn't show, or the "latest version" of me as a result of long evolution, but something that belongs to my past, no matter how nostalgic it is to me, and the funeral rite of The Christian Community is indeed very beautiful: "May Christ be in you... may the light of the land of spirit shine upon you" - these are the only phrases I remember, because they touched me deeply. It is uplifting rather than letting one down (or resurrecting rather than leaving one in the ground). From light you have come, and to light you shall return.
Whatever is your conviction or how strong it is, above all you are still small and weak human before great questions. And whatever life will bring forth, one day it will end anyway: that is a thought that should put things into right perspective. The death of a loved one strips you bare. So many have gone before me, that I have never feared death less than now. It's unthinkable to me that anything bad would await.
Importance of Life
Nobody can complete you; you must become whole. Coupling and reproduction are not the meaning of life - except for evolutionary biological point of view. I find it strange that certain religions make it such a big deal; they should be more concerned about spirituality of an individual. Buddhism is a refreshing exception with respect to this as well. Life of an individual always has a meaning, and that meaning is individual. Meaning of life is to LIVE - a life of your own. As 20-something I might have explained about great cosmic purpose of mankind, as I had read from theosophical books, but that is a wrong answer: it has nothing to do with you, right here, right now.
Nevertheless, I am grateful for my husband. Along these years I have come to notice how similar people we are in essence, and I think that is our secret. The opposites only attract for a while; I have seen that.
I have only few friends: quality over quantity. Friends have come and gone, and interaction has morphed. The only permanent thing is change.
I have never been further abroad than in our neighboring country, Sweden. I have never been on airplane. I don't even long for elsewhere. I have rarely left my home town. I have everything I need here. It is a dream come true, as I was raised in a small village in country side. The world is so small today that you don't need to leave home. Your mind will expand, if you are open for it. I'm more inclined towards comfort and safety than adventures and travels, and I appreciate peace and quiet.
In "Devadatta" chapter of the Lotus Sutra, Shakyamuni Buddha reveals that his cousin and brother-in-law, Devadatta, who tried to kill him several times and take over Buddhist community, was in fact his teacher in previous existence, and in future he too shall become Buddha. For me this narrative primarily tells about importance of this life, and that I do matter just as I am. People always matter: nobody can see everything, all connections and consequences, not even in their own life, let alone in lives of others. Evolution is not always straightforward. Sometimes it goes winding byways, even in one lifetime. Through trials and errors you learn best. Likewise, Nichiren in his letters reminds of the words of Shakyamuni Buddha, that it is very rare and lucky to be born human. You don't need to take it too metaphysically: just that this life is deeply meaningful.
Zeena Schreck has said: "No doubt, humans will do a lot of damage before we ultimately destroy ourselves. But life will continue without humans. New forms of intelligence will emerge long after this human experiment is over." I agree. And it is not depressing. It's a beautiful and comforting thought in its own peculiar way. In summer nights when you lie down outside staring at the starry sky, it can be extremely thrilling: you feel like an insignificant dust particle in enormous scale of the universe, and you might even fear of disappearing into the infinity. But is it so fearsome after all? One time I visited planetarium, and heard a commentary that we live in "violent and hostile" universe. I wouldn't describe natural conditions and processes like that. We are not just dust... but rather stardust.
I already know two people who died younger than me, and as a heart patient myself, a thought about death has truly crystallized to me. I have learnt that I will die too. Self-evident fact, you might think, yet so distant and unfamiliar for most of us. It won't prevent me from living, but rather enhances the significance of life. Next I would like to delve deeply into death, as I have met with it: every time was different, but every time was a blessing in disguise.
I remember as a child I used to ponder what it feels like, when you no longer exist. I scared my friend to tears by insisting that everybody must die, including her mother. At very young age I started to read books about parapsychology, and already at elementary school I wrote an essay, how I'm not afraid of death because I believe that human soul continues living in spirit world. (I was a little embarrassed that I revealed something so personal!)
When my grandmother died, I was happy I had a valid excuse why I couldn't go to funeral. I guess I felt like people don't understand that she's not really gone. And guess what: she started haunting at my aunt's house where she had lived - many people witnessed footsteps and sighs in the middle of the night. It ended when my aunt asked her to leave. I went to funeral few years later when my cousin committed suicide, even though he was much older and we were never close. Yet that mournful atmosphere was compelling.
A Sacred Moment
In early 1999 I got a phone call. My father was hospitalized: he had cancer and was only on pain medication; he was in bad condition and couldn't even speak anymore. No idea how many days were left. I felt empty. It kind of hurt me that it didn't hurt me. Last time I saw my father three years back, and we never really talked about anything. He was my father only biologically. I could not lose something I never had in the first place. I spoke with a priest on a phone, and got some good advice; I felt this was a sacred privilege bestowed upon me, and it was my humane obligation to take it. I borrowed the money and traveled the very next day, empowered after the Mass of my church, The Christian Community (I actually joined the church only later in the end of that year). I hardly recognized my father - he was only a shadow of his former self, but I was prepared for that, so I wasn't too shocked. I told him I bear no ill will and I'm happy... that I'm grateful I still got to see him, that I had been thinking about him and prayed for him. I read him the psalm 23, and I could ever swear his breathing became easier. Then I prayed the Lord's Prayer aloud. Finally, I just stroked his hair and said, "go in peace, when it's time", giving a kiss on his forehead. At least I imagined he reacted like he was moved.
I felt good. It was beautiful, a sacred moment, like a flash of eternity in time, and just like that, one of a kind, I wanted to carry it with me. I didn't say much, but it was necessary and straight from the heart, not for my sake but for him. The following night my father peacefully passed away. I was thankful thinking that he only waited for me. Again and again I saw in my mind when I said "go in peace" and gave him a kiss. If I had gone there crying how awful it is, it wouldn't have been such harmonious and unitive experience. Hardly anyone could understand that ineffable peace prevailing in my heart. In that brief moment I felt I got such a deep connection to my father, that in a way it kind of voided all those lost years in between. If I cried, I cried for joy.
Relatives on my father's side, whom I actually didn't know at all, were fussing around. It seemed to me people automatically expect their ossified ways of thinking are universal and apply to everyone. It was obvious for me to respect their grief, but who would have respected my feelings? Probably I would have been misunderstood and considered cold and heartless person for not grieving my father!
I was not prepared for everything that followed, running around bureaus, taking care of official matters. Everyone said I am the closest relative, and it is my decision; juridically closest, not spiritually, and what was I able to decide? What kind of tombstone there will be, and some people had a nerve to complain about that too: I chose one that reminded me of my father, a simple black stone, with white birch tree. But allegedly it was a problem that it had no cross on it. As if his eternal bliss depended on some stone on earth! It seemed to me people repeat phrases like "now he's in peace", but they haven't digested them themselves. Instead, all this proved to me how firm foundation I had in my worldview, and it worked out in the real world.
As soon as I got off the bus in my home town, I felt like I was able to breathe freely. I had hardly slept in three nights, but at home I slept peacefully and I was not bothered, as I got distance to center of things. I spoke about my father's death with several people. I started to read the Gospel of John for him, walking by him in spirit. On the funeral day I was afraid I might be carried away with other people's outbursts of feelings, as if violently pushed out of my place, but that didn't happen: while others were sobbing around, I was calm, surprising even myself. At the same time there was the Mass in my congregation, so I figured I was empowered through invisible ways, by the wings of angels.
Everything was well organised, but I wasn't asked about anything. The Memorial Service was offered by "Association of Peace" of Conservative Laestadians. My father's parents and siblings were members, but he converted back to his childhood faith only when facing death. Thank God! I mean I'm thankful for not being raised within that belief system. It was another problem, that as a child I was afraid of my father; he drank a lot and was often violent towards my mother. Luckily he lived with us for few years only, and was mostly absent from my life.
Now I let their typical jargon go in one ear and out the other: "You, who still haven't found this only true faith, here it is offered." I just wasn't too happy when a complete stranger came to me weeping, and told I should go to Association of Peace in my home town because... "your father surely would have hoped that you too will be saved!" So I should walk ready made path and not listen to my heart? Honoring the dead has its limits: I can't continue his life, I have life of my own.
Me 3 y.o.
My father
My father's material inheritance proved to be blessing in many ways, but I don't go to that. In peculiar way I learnt to know my father better and understand him after his death, when I went through his papers - at the same time I learnt to understand myself better and sought help for my own issues. I found some photos of him as a young man I had never seen before, and it was apparent from whom I had inherited my look. Likewise, I found earliest photos of myself, at the age of three. After his death I also started volunteer work at the hospice for many years.
Uncanny Connection of Fate
During the following 16 years, I had a sad privilege to accompany four beloved cats in turn on their final journey over the rainbow bridge. Each one of them had a proper Christian memorial service I composed of various sources.
Our 4 beloved cats, art by me (Paint)
Yet nothing prepared me for the sudden death of my partner in 2015; before that I knew absolutely nothing about facing the death. That story is told in my post, "Through Death to Love" (unlike I say in the beginning, I later did write a similar post in Finnish! Usually it is the other way around, first Finnish, then English).
I on the right and my late partner
In my post in 2019 I mentioned I will blog about my heart surgery, "hopefully in near future". I never did. But now this is where it is appropriate for. My condition was accidentally found mild in 2013, when I went to see a doctor for another issue. It was exactly the same valvular defect my partner had! Next check was in 2016, and it was medium severe. Again, a couple of years went by, and cardiologist told me what I didn't want to hear: it was of difficult degree, and if I don't consent to surgery, chamber will be damaged sooner or later, and it leads to death. The death of my partner was obviously haunting in back of my mind, but I was not him: he already had had a lung surgery previously, he got depressed and kept asking, "why always me?" He drank more and more - what you should not do - didn't go to weekly medicine controls, didn't go to dentist but took pain killers (oral health is essential!), and he started to avoid all stress so that he hardly moved anymore, and gained a lot of weight. It shouldn't have been surprise that his heart finally failed.
I immediately quit random smoking when I heard the news. Drinking has never been an issue for me. In back of my mind I was aware I might die, but I had better preconditions to survive than my partner ever had. And possibility of death is always present, it is just a natural part of life! Yet I was kind of surprised when a surgeon said this is one of the biggest operations one can have (open heart surgery, where your heart is paused - for 2,5 hours that was!), and there is a possibility to perish during or after. I guess I "knew" it but didn't actually realize it before. However, I'm grateful it was said straightforward. I understand why people I knew kept saying, "it will go well, they know what they are doing." But I don't think it was fully realistic, no matter how well-meaning it was.
Same defect was very uncanny connection of fate, but it was karma which brought us together in the first place. You might even say we were one at heart (and equally broken). His death was to me initiation of spirit, Baptism of mental agony and tears, that pushed me forward by giant leap. This was to be initiation of body, Baptism of physical pain and blood I might need to grow further, facing my own fragility and mortality. Couple of hours before the year 2019 began, I did my Buddhist practice, and what enormous empowerment, gratefulness and trust I felt, knowing what trials would come. The Christian Community was kind of shared find for me and my partner then, now I would face this with something of my own. It's not "why me?", but rather "why not me too", just like anyone else. There are always worse illnesses and greater sufferings. If it was karma that brought us together, here I see it discharging: my fate goes different direction. You shape your destiny, and it's up to your attitude. My positive attitude was very crucial, that can't be emphasized too much!
My operation was on April 30th 2019. For couple of months before that in my daily Gongyo, I dedicated my practice for successful operation and full recovery. I also sent reiki to myself for operation and convalescence. For two weeks before surgery, every night I burnt Spikenard oil in aroma lamp. It is calming, but because Jesus was anointed with it for death, I used it for preparation as well. I wasn't going to die, but I could not be sure.
Sometimes I felt like some vague presentiment was trying to break out of darkness of subconsciousness, and just a hunch was so frightening, so oppressive, that I quickly turned it down and suppressed it, because I didn't want to know anything about it. Probably it was nothing rational anyway, but something primitive. Weird thing is, I first felt like that years before surgery, and it was triggered by religious symbol I saw online. In my conscious mind I wasn't too nervous before surgery, but I could feel distress in my body.
Four months sick leave totally. I just have to say I'm happy we have universal health care and good social security in Finland. All costs were reasonable, and I could manage them. Today everything is fine, my heart is in good shape, I'm well. I eat healthier than before, and exorcise regularly. Life is good!
Thank you, sorry and goodbye!
My mother
Then my mother died in 2021. She was hospitalized in September. I was used to her having these periods for few days, and lately they seemed to have increased, but this time it prolonged for three weeks. Treatment finally started to be effective, a doctor told me on a phone, but the very next morning I was called that she was found lifeless in her bed. It was a surprise even for a doctor. I was ashamed I never visited her in the hospital: one should never think there is still time. After work I went to the chapel, where her body was laid out for me. First and last I chanted Daimoku [explained further below] three times with gassho 🙏 and bow. I told her, "thank you, sorry and goodbye, dear mother", and words I quoted earlier, "May Christ be in you; May the light of the land of Spirit shine upon you." I meditated for half an hour before her body, looking at her lifeless face, and kissed her cold forehead.
I strongly recommend that everyone should at least see their deceased loved one. It's just as natural as a new born baby, and a healthy reminder. Form was empty: a flame enlivening it was gone - not extinguished, just gone. It was almost hard to recognize her - because it was not her! It was no longer somebody, but something that was used by somebody before. It's not fear you feel before the ultimate questions, but deep respect before the Majesty of Life (and Death). Why fear something that comes to all of us, just as naturally as we were born into this world. We are all equal in death, all cross the threshold equally alone. Death won't segregate, and I don't think we are divided in different places or treated differently. Many of us may have definite thoughts of what will happen, but the fact is that nobody really knows, and it's stupid arrogance if you can't acknowledge this!
I only cried on the first day, but I found it positive that it hurt more than I expected. I felt like my roots were torn off. After that, awareness moved from feelings to thinking, and all concerns caused by this. I'm always worried and always everything goes just fine. Now it was only momentary feeling that the Veil between two worlds was thinner, which was very strong after my partner died, but the difference was that then I actively reached out for him. This was expected, even if it got me by surprise. It's only natural that children bury their parents. This death didn't stop me, shock me or change my life. It was just part of life.
I never had a relationship with my father, but his family helped organizing the funeral, and he had lot of savings to cover the expenses, and more. With my partner we had not formalized our relationship: his father mainly took care of things and paid everything. But I got to make decisions that mattered. Now for the first time I had to take full responsibility for everything, and my mother was a poor pensioner. However, it turned out that situation was not quite as bad as I imagined: there was enough on her bank account to cover the expenses for cheapest option I found. I was grateful: once again I should not have doubted that the universe works in my favor.
I put a photograph of my mother on my altar, and dedicated my daily practice for her for 49 days - a Buddhist mourning period, that strangely ended on her birthday on December 4th! Of course I do realize: too little too late. Even though I believe in spiritual practice, I could have done much more for her when she was alive. It's just like praying for someone in need, instead of helping them in concrete way. A sincere good will is half of the process, but it stays halfway, a beautiful thought, unless it is embodied in good deeds.
Her funeral was in Lutheran church, because she was always a member, even though I don't know her beliefs. It was natural for me to choose the same pieces of music as in my partner's funeral: in the beginning, Adagio in G Minor by Albinoni:
In between, my favorite Finnish Lutheran hymn, "Herra kädelläsi"(Lord on Thy hand). I have sweet memories related to that. This version below is performed by Finnish pop artist, Jenni Vartiainen. It is joyful, and the last verse speaks of death (my translation):
Lord on Thy hand I lay down my head in sleep You call your friend to rest Hand will carry me to new life giving me peace forever, I stay in light It is my happiness to be close to the Lord I can resort to God alone It is my happiness to be close to the Lord I want to sing about His deeds
Last we heard Bach's Cantata 147, "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring":
We started with solemn and melancholic mood, and ended with hopeful, uplifting melody. In between there was room for whole spectrum of emotions. It didn't feel too burdensome at any point, but when Bach began to play, I felt lightened. For reading I chose the Psalm 23, which I have always liked. "A beautiful and simple service", someone said. Like my mother. She left like she lived. And it suits for me as well. In fact, I want something even simpler for myself [see below]!
The Memorial Service
I was insecure if I could leave it to my loved ones, presuming they are able and willing to take care of my funeral on their own, according to my wishes. Then again, I know that in Soka Gakkai International lay members, since it is a lay movement, conduct funerals for members. Sometimes even relatives, if they were also members, may lead the ceremony. So it is not too much to expect. My loved ones are not Buddhists, but neither they have nothing against it.
I wish my old printed Gohonzon is placed upon my chest in coffin, and fragrant sandalwood chips (that I have) are sprinkled around the body. I came up with this idea independently, and only when Thich Nhat Hahn died in 2022, I saw there actually is a practice of covering the body with sandalwood chips (I have to settle for less).
I have composed this ritual for myself, according to my mind, because I am an independent practitioner, and don't belong to any Buddhist organization because of my choice. This unofficial ritual will replace any other ceremonies, and it is performed after cremation at home, with those few loved ones who can and will attend. Virtual participation is possible for those who can not come (I myself took part in two funerals of a relative remotely, holding my Buddhist practice at the same time, and sending a white rose for the event: thus I was truly there in spirit, it was not a mere expression), but it is recommendable to gather together. People can donate for charity: rescue cats are close to my heart (I've had many)! In Buddhism, it is seen as an offering for the deceased.
I wish my altar is maintained at least for 49 days - a Buddhist mourning period, and in any case until this ritual can be performed. A candle, an incense stick, a beautiful memory, a good thought, maybe even mantra, Namu Myoho Renge Kyo, three times daily...
Portrait of me (1997)
Chairs are arranged facing the altar. Phones are muted. There are fresh water and fruit offerings on the altar. My portrait is on display, and so is the urn. Participants may each bring a one single white rose, and they are put in vase. Gohonzon, "the object of devotion", Nichiren's calligraphic mandala, is revealed. Candles are lit. People bow to the Gohonzon with hands in gassho 🙏. Everyone may offer an incense stick. They may sit. The singing bowl is stricken five times.
Selected quotes are read aloud.
Reading loud:
Through this act of love, may __.__ enjoy the positive conditions, high rebirth, happiness and peace. May he meet the perfect teacher, and quickly attain perfect enlightenment for the benefit of all living beings without exception.
[Above formula I have used in my practice while commemorating the deceased relatives. In addition, words below are from Sylvain Chamberlain-Nyudo...]
Also, we pray and meditate deeply that all the positive causes made by the deceased, live long and impact widely all those sentient beings they touch, and that any remaining negative effects are dissipated and minimized through our own sincere effort and meditations.
[Most of the service is in form of videos, so that everything is as easy as possible. I learnt my practice through YouTube videos, so it is just natural continuation.]
Refuge
[I added the refuge in my Gongyo in 2024 to be in touch with the mainstream Buddhist tradition. It is part, for one, of Rissho Kosei-kai sutra recitations, which is one Nichiren Buddhist school. "I take refuge in Buddha": Shakyamuni Buddha is eternal through his teachings, and we aspire to manifest our own inherent Buddhahood. "I take refuge in Dharma" - the teachings: in Japanese, ho, "the Law", truth about life and universe, and Buddha's teachings concerning it; in Nichiren Buddhism it is especially the Lotus Sutra and Namu Myoho Renge Kyo. "I take refuge in Sangha" - the community: for me as an independent practitioner, this is Nichiren Shonin, and the chain of his millions of followers throughout the centuries, with which I'm united by the common practice.]
Reading loud:
How long does a lifetime last? If one stops to consider, it is like a single night's lodging at a wayside inn. Should one forget that fact and seek some measure of worldly fame and profit? Though you may simply gain them, they will be mere prosperity in a dream, a delight scarcely to be prized. You would do better simply to leave such matters to the karma formed in your previous existences. Once you awaken to the uncertainty and transience of this world, you will find endless examples confronting your eyes and filling your ears. Vanished like clouds of rain, the people of past ages have left nothing but their names. Fading away like dew, drifting far off like smoke, our friends of today too disappear from sight. Should you suppose that you alone can somehow remain forever like the clouds over Mount Mikasa? The spring blossoms depart with the wind; maple leaves turn red in autumn showers. All are proof that no living thing can stay for long in this world. Therefore, the Lotus Sutra counsels us, "Nothing in this world is lasting or firm but all are like bubbles, foam, heat shimmer."
The life of a human being is fleeting. The exhaled breath never waits for the inhaled one. Even dew before the wind is hardly a sufficient metaphor. It is the way of the world that whether one is wise or foolish, old or young, one never knows what will happen to one from one moment to the next. Therefore I should first of all learn about death, and then about other things.
The Nirvana Sutra states, "Human life runs its course more swiftly than a mountain stream; the person here today will not likely be here tomorrow." The Maya Sutra reads, "Imagine, for instance, a flock of sheep being driven by a chandala to the slaughterhouse. Human life is exactly the same; step by step one approaches the place of death."
The most dreadful things in the world are the pain of fire, the flashing of swords, and the shadow of death. Even horses and cattle fear being killed; no wonder human beings are afraid of death. Even a leper clings to life; how much more so a healthy person.
It is the way of the world that birth and death are the eternally unchanging characteristics of life throughout the three existences of the past, present and future. This is nothing to grieve over or be surprised at.
Since your deceased husband was a votary of this sutra, he doubtless attained Buddhahood as he was. You need not grieve so much over his passing. But to grieve is natural, since you are an ordinary person. Even sages are sometimes sad. Although Shakyamuni Buddha’s greatest disciples had been awakened to the truth of life, they could not help lamenting his passing. Perhaps they behaved as ordinary people do. By all means perform as much good as you possibly can for the sake of your deceased husband.
- Nichiren
Gongyo
["To exert oneself in practice", a short ceremony twice a day. Two parts of the Lotus Sutra are recited in Sino-Japanese, and Daimoku, the sacred title of the Lotus Sutra, is repeated. The Sutra recitation below is from Rissho Kosei-kai, and Daimoku is from Nichiren Shu, two separate Nichiren Buddhist schools.]
The Lotus Sutra
[Namu Myoho Renge Kyo: "Devotion/Homage to the Mystic Law/Wonderful Dharma of the Lotus Sutra". Some schools of Nichiren Buddhism use short form of "Nam"; it's not wrong, but nowadays I use full form of "Namu". Participants may chant here in unison, hands in gassho gesture...]
Daimoku
[So called "silent prayers" are included in SGI Gongyo (I use them too, but my prayers - or meditations - are inspired by other independent practitioners, often former SGI members), and one of them is a prayer for the deceased. So, at this point people present may silently in their minds offer a prayer/blessing/wish in their own words, as a moment of silent pause is taken.]
Four Bodhisattva Vows
[In 2024 I also added four Bodhisattva vows to my Gongyo; they are part of Nichiren Shu style of liturgy. According to the Lotus Sutra, we are the Bodhisattvas of the earth. This is a song in English by brother ChiSing: "Countless beings we vow to save; ceaseless afflictions we vow to end; limitless Dharma doors we vow to open; the highest path of awakening we vow to realize." In Nichiren Shu liturgy it goes like this: "Sentient beings are innumerable: I vow to save them all. Our evil desires are inexhaustible: I vow to quench them all. The Buddha's teachings are immeasurable: I vow to study them all. The way of the Buddha is unexcelled: I vow to attain the Path Sublime."]
Reading loud:
The Thus Come One perceives the true aspect of the threefold world exactly as it is. There is no ebb or flow of birth and death, and there is no existing in this world and later entering extinction. It is neither substantial nor empty, neither consistent nor diverse. Nor is it what those who dwell in the threefold world perceive it to be. All such things the Thus Come One sees clearly and without error.
- The Lotus Sutra
[In sutras Buddha often calls himself and other buddhas "Tathagata", the Thus Come One. The threefold world is the world of unenlightened beings we live in, consisting of the world of desire, the world of form, and the world of formlessness.]
The fourth volume of the Lotus Sutra states: ‘If one can uphold this [sutra], he will be upholding the Buddha’s body.’ Neither the pure land nor hell exists outside ourselves; both lie within our own hearts. Awakened to this truth, one is called a Buddha; deluded about it, one is called a common mortal. The Lotus Sutra reveals this truth, and one who embraces the Lotus Sutra will realize that hell is itself the Land of Tranquil Light.
Be resolved to summon forth the great power of faith, and chant Namu-myoho-renge-kyo with the prayer that your faith will be steadfast and correct at the moment of death. Never seek any other way to inherit the ultimate Law of life and death, and manifest it in your life. Only then will you realize that earthly desires are enlightenment, and that the sufferings of birth and death are nirvana.
For one who summons up one’s faith and chants Namu-myoho-renge-kyo with the profound insight that now is the last moment of one’s life, the sutra proclaims: “When the lives of these persons come to an end, they will be received into the hands of a thousand Buddhas, who will free them from all fear and keep them from falling into the evil paths of existence.” How can we possibly hold back our tears at the inexpressible joy of knowing that... as many as a thousand Buddhas will come to greet us with open arms!
- Nichiren
The singing bowl is stricken three times.
See also:English summary of my other blog, about Nichiren Buddhism.
Afterwards, beverage and snacks are served. A potluck might be a good idea. People can share their memories. Certain memorabilia may be distributed among them, including my jewelry, books, drawings, and possibly old photos if anyone cares.
In my Finnish blog I often refer to one particular friend of mine, a straight male and Christian. I have known him for 20 years, and he has always been the one I often have a hard time with. Always. Only him and no one else. So, we've had conflicts over the years, nothing has really changed in that respect, but since I left Christianity, it particularly seems to trouble him, and that in turn is a pain in my neck. Things have escalated really bad this time, and it's been a year already! About year ago, he sent me an e-mail, a long list of questions. First, let me just say that as a Christian, he is an esotericist, who believes in reincarnation (just like I was too); Yet, simultaneously, he is morally extremely conservative (as much as I am liberal). Those two things sometimes seem to be in conflict, and it's not just my opinion: I can see it in his personality, and how it's affecting him. He has actually lost relationships among more traditional Christians in the past, because of his personal beliefs. (And I'm not saying there aren't esoteric movements, which are very conservative: I once belonged to one myself. But usually they are more open, accepting, and free, than many mainstream Christian denominations.)
Have you replaced one religion with another?
When I came to Christianity, I actually consciously replaced one religion (Gnosticism) with another (my previous post, New Revelations, touches that briefly). Over 10 years later, I renounced Christianity, and when my partner suddenly died, I had no religion at all. There was nothing to be replaced. Then I awakened to Buddhism through inner, mystical experience, and as I studied these things I realized, this is how I'm pretty much already thinking.
Finnish Lutheran Vicar, Voitto Viro - bold seeker for truth - wrote in the 1970's: "It is right to accept this attitude: If you show me the truth, that will convince my spirit with greater absoluteness than the truth lightened by Jesus, alright then: My spirit binds me to be loyal to that truth, which bestows the deepest freedom."
I have been wondering why we no longer talk about these things, but when I was pondering his questions, I already began to get tired.
He has repeatedly said that I "used to read and study a lot", but apparently he thinks I don't anymore, as I read and study different things. And he can't even see that himself. He thinks he's only praising me for my past, when at the same time he's playing down (or completely ignoring) my present. I never exclusively studied Christianity, and now that I'm through with that, it seems superficial that it would matter if you believe in certain claims or not. It's only bookish.
To talk about "deep stuff" for the sake of talking, that's superficial too. He once said he no longer knows what I believe in. Why should he? For me, faith is a private matter. It's hard for me to share my deepest thoughts with anyone, because I feel nobody can understand. Nobody has walked the same path as I have. And why talk about doctrinal questions on theoretical level in the first place? Isn't it a question of life?! The most relevant can never be expressed in words, or shared with anyone: You have to experience that by yourself, and experience is individual for everyone. Isn't it a main point to accept one another, no matter what. It's not supposed to be a competition, where the point is to defeat another one with clever arguments.
Understandably, I feel frustrated when asked questions I have already answered thoroughly in my blogs. I express myself best in writing, I'm not a good speaker, so I rather don't discuss these things with anyone. I have also touched the problem I see we always have had: When I try to form my ideas of religion - or "spirituality" - into words, it's like writing a poem. But often I see that for him it is like solving a mathematical problem: completely different approach, as if we spoke two different languages. He has told me how important science and especially mathematics has been to him, even as a seeker for truth on the spiritual path. For me, I think art is closer connection to Spirit. So, our greatest difference is not a content of thought, but the whole process how we come to our conclusions. I have always trusted more in my heart, even though I do highly value persons who read a lot, and especially diversely (and he's not one of them!). But it's not enough. Knowledge you learn from a book is not your own, it's borrowed, until you have experience of it (Gnosis). If you say you know something of spirituality, based on your experience, another person can have equally strong experience, that led them to completely different conclusions. Then it only sounds arrogant to emphasize your own knowledge. Many Christian believers act like that, and it makes repulsive impression. "Truth" is very narrow and small if it is some doctrine or idea included in specific religion.
Seen afterwards, I have walked my way very consistently, step by step: Obviously, I haven't seen at the moment where it was taking me, but every phase was necessary for me, and only for me. There was providence all along. In my perspective and experience, it is odd if a person does not change, and their world view does not seemingly evolve. It is stagnation.
We have never agreed on many things, to think anything else is just illusion. I have learnt long time ago what I can't say to him, and avoided those things. It is also true that we used to have a connection, but it was nothing said, it was shared spiritual practice that united us. Silence speaks louder than words: words can only separate, silence is unifying. It was natural when we had a formal "group" for few years. We gathered together on regular basis, to pray and meditate. It is more difficult when we meet informally. I have tried to make it clear that if you want to discuss deeply, you should also practice/quiet/meditate for counterbalance. Maybe it's just me who has a need for that.
I don't think it's wrong that I'd rather talk about these things with someone like-minded - that is, another Nichiren Buddhist - so that we could compare our experiences, and support one another, maybe even practice together. However, nobody's mind is exactly like mine: As an independent practitioner, I have a freedom of choice. Buddhism, just like Christianity, is not one gray monolith. Nichiren Buddhism is a kind of its own, and even among that there are several distinguished schools. Practice is one unifying factor. I couldn't have converted to Buddhism for example in its Theravada form. Added to that, I have my whole spiritual history behind me (see the introduction page of this blog).
Have you often gone through a crisis, that caused your view to change?
Yes and no. Some crisis may have forced me to change, and it has been a long and painful process, but also sudden inner experience may have changed everything all at once: This is how I became a Buddhist. I was "reborn", so to speak. The most essential thing has never changed, it has only become strengthened and cleared: There is something precious within, "Christ in us", Buddha Nature.
Are you a Buddhist?
Why this question? How is it not clear to him? I try to think he probably didn't mean it that way, but repeatedly I have a feeling as if he's questioning me. That's another reason why I don't like to talk about these things especially with him. Maybe it's because he tries to analyze everything. I base everything on experience, reasoning is secondary.
What do you think about NDE? (Near-Death Experience)
I have told him my opinion sometimes. For whatever reason, NDE is very important for him. Maybe he should live a little first. I think it is real per se, yes, and there are a lot of universal characteristics about it, but also characteristics that arise from person's own mind. Tibetan Book of the Dead speaks about this. I always get suspicious the more specific these stories are; Either the Afterlife is described resembling this world, in materialistic manner, or people are meeting entities from their religious sphere, like Jesus. I think death has a lot in common with dreaming, it's not without reason these two have been parallelled in the old days. But it's not meaningful to focus on Afterlife in this life. And to read others' experiences is not the same as to experience it. Already as a child in the 1980's I read about Raymond Moody's research, and before heart surgery in 2019, I did read a book by Anita Moorjani, and that one I liked: especially because she does not come from Western, Christian culture, but Indian Hindu family, and was raised in Hong Kong. Her experience lacked characteristics I find suspicious.
Do you think Jesus was a historical person?
No serious researcher doubts the historicity of Jesus, neither do I. It doesn't mean more than that. I only want to know Jesus the Man. Like Osho said: "Because you are in the situation of being a Jesus; Christ is just a dream." Christians worship mythical Christ, and don't listen to Jesus. Nevertheless, there is indeed MysticalChrist, and it is within each and every one of us, call it by whatever name; That's the only Christ St. Paul in his epistles is pointing at.
Is the truth a subjective matter to you?
As Wikipedia article explains, "truth" is not as self-explanatory idea as my friend seems to think. It's very vague concept. I have never understood how casually he uses it, apparently presuming that everyone else will understand it the same way he does.
Have you always been personally for some orientation or something else?
I don't understand his question. I have always fully been what I have been. That's why change may be painful, even if they are birth pains.
Is religion or any worldview only a collection of subjective opinions you can change completely?
Views are man-made. Buddhism does not plead for Divine origin. In fact, I find something that resonates with myself in thoughts of Protagoras, a Greek philosopher (490-420 BCE). See Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Emphasis on Something. Don't take it to mean too much; I haven't profoundly digged into his philosophy.
What does science mean to you? Is your idea of man compatible with modern science? What about the world view?
I have not especially made myself familiar with science. Does the earth rotate the sun? If he wants to know if I am materialist, then no. That's the short answer.
Have you preserved anything from Christianity?
Not consciously. But everything I have ever been, is somehow always with me. You can not get rid of it completely.
What about the things Christianity and Buddhism agree on? I have been glad about the commandments. They are so similar to Christianity. Do you live according to Buddhist commandments/morals/precepts?
This is finally a topic of great importance. There are no commandments in Buddhism. It's not a teaching of morals. Even I misunderstood that when I used to observe Buddhism from outside as Christian, and actually thought I could grasp other faiths as well.
"The Buddha questioned many of the assumptions existing in his society, including moral ones, and tried to develop an ethics based upon reason and compassion rather than tradition, superstitions and taboo. Indeed, in the famous Kalama Sutta he says that revelation (anussana), tradition (parampara), the authority of the scriptures (pitakasampada) and one's own point of view (ditthinijjhanakkhanti) are inadequate means of determining right and wrong." (Buddha Net)
It's not even about right or wrong, it's about what is skillful or unskillful. Even to five precepts there are more than meets the eye. My favorite example is sex: Christianity sees a horrible sin, apparently worse than killing, which is quietly approved, and therefore human sexuality needs to be controlled by religious authority. Buddhism does not value marriage or procreation that much, even monogamy is not always so self-evident. I hate moralism in religion, and my friend is a master of that.
I don't see real similarity between Christianity and Buddhism. Approach is very different. Do I live accordingly? Still: They are not commandments. I support Lotus Sutra. Nichiren Shonin wrote:
“The five characters of Myoho-renge-kyo, the heart of the essential teaching of the Lotus Sutra, contain the benefit amassed through the countless practices and meritorious deeds of all Buddhas throughout the three existences. Then, how can these five characters not include the benefits obtained by observing all of the Buddhas’ precepts? Once the practitioner embraces this perfectly endowed wonderful precept, he cannot break it, even if he should try. It is therefore called the precept of the diamond chalice”
What kind of idea of man do you have? Do you have a spiritual idea of man?
Idea of man? Spiritual idea of man? I don't know what to say. I'm not sure what he means by that. Perhaps different aspects of man according to Anthroposophy, because that's what he has read up on. (I used to think like that too.) Spirit and matter are not opposite to each other, apart from each other.
What do you think about God?
I rather don't use that name burdened with such strong mental images. There is this excellent video (6 min) - Is there God or not? What did Buddha say?
Perhaps it won't give a kind of direct answer one wants to hear, but perhaps it will make it clear what sort of question one is really asking...
Next quote is from the novel, The Gardens of Light, by Lebanese author, Amin Maalouf. It's about Prophet Mani, founder of Manichaeism (highly recommendable!). Since I only have read it in Finnish translation, I had to re-translate a quote myself (original text is French):
People think they worship Godhead, even though they only have seen images of it, whether made of wood, gold, alabaster, or presented in painting, or words, or ideas. The one who refuses to see God in images presented to them, may be closer to His true image than others...
When someone says they love God above all, they are actually saying they love their own concept of "god". I don't think you can even form an idea of the Ultimate Reality, and put it into words. If you say, "God exists", there is this idea and there are words; it's not "truth". You are only scrabbling blind. Not everything you put together is useless, though, like teachings of Buddha; Some of it may be quite applicable while living in this material world as bodily being, but it shouldn't be mistaken as end in itself. The Ultimate Reality is beyond human understanding.
This list of questions seemed more like a test than discussion, and personally I didn't find them relevant. They reminded me of Buddha's parable when he was asked metaphysical questions of the nature of Cosmos...
It's just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me... until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short... until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored... until I know his home village, town, or city... until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a long bow or a crossbow... until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo threads, sinew, hemp, or bark... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated... until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a langur, or a monkey.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barbed, a calf-toothed, or an oleander arrow.' The man would die and those things would still remain unknown to him.
This year (2023) my friend offered to send me his writing about his "Theology". I refused. For once, I was honest and straightforward about my feelings, and it was received favorably.
But then he asked me if I have locked in what is true. HE asked me! I could ask him that very question, but I haven't, because I realize how arrogant it sounds like! He might as well continue that he knows what is true. If he remembered what kind of spiritual way I have walked, he should know that I am the very opposite of that!
If anything, I can thank him for substance he has provided me to perfect my thoughts about these matters, brighter and clearer. While it's true that I identify as Nichiren Buddhist, approve of its basic teachings, and follow its tradition in my practice, I do have my own philosophy, formed by itself through life. Sometimes it's said that Buddhism is not a religion but a philosophy. I think that is one-sided view, probably favored by secular Westerners. I think it depends very much on practitioner, and their School. Buddhism is also a religion. My approach is clearly more religious one than philosophical, and Nichiren Buddhism is perhaps closer to religion than some other Schools, as I see it. Whereas my philosophy seamlessly encloses a religion I practice, it's not emptied by it. My spirituality consists of manifold aspects, since man is manifold creature.
All the time we pass each other with our words. Repeatedly I have tried to bring up what I think is the most relevant, first suggesting subtly, and later emphasizing, and yet I feel it is ignored, and instead he's clinging to details. Is there already an insurmountable abyss of understanding between us? We are both equally hopeless in this discussion, which is not discussion at all, but arguing. It starts to repeat itself, and leads to nowhere. I don't think he does it on purpose, but he offends me time and again. It doesn't require too many words. I'm aware of my own tendency of malice, and I don't know if I can always avoid it (or if I even want to).
This is why I don't want to belong to any organization, or go to some group meetings. I just walk my own way, wishing to treasure my own spiritual life in peace. Is it too much to ask? My way is not his way, he doesn't need to understand. That's how I should have answered in the first place. Everything else was unnecessary. Too many words. Unfortunately, I also happen to love words. But often less is more. It's obvious that he's not actually interested to know my truth: he's only looking for affirmation for his own assumptions. Therefore, it's useless to expect that I should be interested: The rest of my life is too short to be wasted on things that mean nothing to me. I've already seen Christianity.
I don't think he even understands how tired of this I am. I feel he's interfering with my privacy, and he's extremely biased: his list of questions gave it off. Last year I avoided him for months, and he probably didn't notice. He would hardly notice very soon if I just ceased communication entirely. I don't know why I bother so much, and don't just let it go its natural course. Nothing's permanent anyway. It must be the weight of 20 years of acquaintance.
But all this because of religion? I guess it is important for him, but is it worth it? If only Creed had united us in the past, then it wouldn't matter, for it is superficial, but I don't think that's all. And it's about 10 years already since I left Christianity. Why so suddenly it's such a big problem?
I expressed my frustration in harsh words. Far too long I have kept it to myself. Maybe it was hasty, I'm not sure, but I'm actually relieved now that it's all out in the open. The rest is up to his response, or lack thereof. We will see. I'm done for now. I only pray for the best result for both of us, and I don't really know what that is... My most urgent thought, as weird as it may sound, was: Will there be one person less at my funeral. Almost like his absence wouldn't leave a hole in my life, and I'm not sure it would... we have met so randomly in recent years anyway.
I know I'm not a friend for him. He doesn't need enemies when he's got a "friend" like me. I don't respect his beliefs and values, and he often seems to bring forth the worst in me... I wonder if I see too much of myself in him (and don't like what I see)? I would never confide in him (but who would I confide in, though, unless a professional), and I don't even want to hear about his hardships, because they are always the same, year after year, and I can't say what I think because he wouldn't receive it well. Yes, he was there when I really needed, when my partner died; he was the one who gave me his time, more than anyone else: That was true friendship, and I doubt if I was able to do the same. However, some good memories are not enough to carry on, so why even try? Is it because it's happened before; I have lost many people I once considered friends, and even by choice. It's been almost too easy to move forward, and leave people behind. But maybe I have been wrong to assume that if I lose connection with myself, I lose connection with other people, and therefore I should go inward. Maybe it is the other way round: I lose connection with other people (and more comprehensively, with Life itself!) if I withdraw too much, instead of reaching out towards others.
When we had our group meetings (2009-2012) every other week for couple of hours at the local congregation, other people took part randomly, mostly it was just the two of us, but it worked just fine, and that's what I miss most - deeper connection we had, most likely owing to shared spiritual practice, regardless of doctrines and thoughts (even though I also considered myself a Christian at that time). I was lucky to have a friend, who got involved in my whims with same earnestness, because it was also clear that not many people understood what I wanted to accomplish.
We started our meetings with tea and free discussion for an hour, another hour was for spiritual practice. We tried various methods. I don't think it matters how you practice, it's the main point that you do. Today I would choose a method which is not tied to one religion. There can be meaningful spirituality and sense of community, without reading the Scriptures and praying to God, among people from various backgrounds, and still there can be symbols and rituals that bring them together. I have watched live streams of worship services of Unitarian Universalist Unity Temple, and I like it a lot. It's not in conflict with Buddhism, there is room for that as well. (In Finland we have association too, but they have dropped "universalism" out of their name, and are just "Unitarians" now; also, based on their website, they seem to be solely attached to Jewish-Christian tradition, and that doesn't appeal to me at all!)
Is it past, then? In those days we had a white rose as a symbol - one was actually always there in our meetings, in a bowl of water - today I would bring that together (at least on mental level) with a white lotus: Simply because I love symbols; They enliven abstract ideas, and here we have both continuance and evolution. We could meet simply at the coffee shop, and practice tea meditation awhile; we also tried that in our group. It's quite informal, and allows you to pause in silence while enjoying your beverage. There's nothing awkward about silence, it is natural. (Google "Tea meditation", and you will find many inspiring instructions; apply them as you will.) We would absolutely not discuss spiritual theories or speculations whatsoever: Just one human meeting another human. Spirituality can be very narrow and restrictive role sometimes. Why would you rather talk about it, than make a genuine spiritual connection?
Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Could we just agree to disagree. We are not interested in same things, so that's not a foundation to build on. This is a paradox: Connection and sharing is possible, also and specially without words. That's what I want to believe in. We should not communicate through e-mail anymore. Internet kind of splits your personality: who you are online, is not who you are in person. If something can not be said face to face, it shouldn't be said at all. The most refreshing meetings between us have been those, when we have just chatted this and that. I have an image in my head, of Jesus and Buddha drinking tea together. I imagine they would have got along just fine.
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