Meetings with Death

Collage made by me: it depicts how humans have
always meditated on death. Harmony of colors 
pleases my eye.  

In my post, Life Journey, in 2020 I stated that "my funeral one day will be conducted by the rite of The Christian Community anyway", even though I had been Buddhist for two years. But already in 2021 I began to change my mind. In any other context I would eliminate excessive Christian material and references to God. So, it started to bother me more and more that my own conviction wouldn't show, or the "latest version" of me as a result of long evolution, but something that belongs to my past, no matter how nostalgic it is to me, and the funeral rite of The Christian Community is indeed very beautiful: "May Christ be in you... may the light of the land of spirit shine upon you" - these are the only phrases I remember, because they touched me deeply. It is uplifting rather than letting one down (or resurrecting rather than leaving one in the ground). From light you have come, and to light you shall return. 

Whatever is your conviction or how strong it is, above all you are still small and weak human before great questions. And whatever life will bring forth, one day it will end anyway: that is a thought that should put things into right perspective. The death of a loved one strips you bare. So many have gone before me, that I have never feared death less than now. It's unthinkable to me that anything bad would await. 

Importance of Life

Nobody can complete you; you must become whole. Coupling and reproduction are not the meaning of life - except for evolutionary biological point of view. I find it strange that certain religions make it such a big deal; they should be more concerned about spirituality of an individual. Buddhism is a refreshing exception with respect to this as well. Life of an individual always has a meaning, and that meaning is individual. Meaning of life is to LIVE - a life of your own. As 20-something I might have explained about great cosmic purpose of mankind, as I had read from theosophical books, but that is a wrong answer: it has nothing to do with you, right here, right now. 

Nevertheless, I am grateful for my husband. Along these years I have come to notice how similar people we are in essence, and I think that is our secret. The opposites only attract for a while; I have seen that. 

I have only few friends: quality over quantity. Friends have come and gone, and interaction has morphed. The only permanent thing is change. 

I have never been further abroad than in our neighboring country, Sweden. I have never been on airplane. I don't even long for elsewhere. I have rarely left my home town. I have everything I need here. It is a dream come true, as I was raised in a small village in country side. The world is so small today that you don't need to leave home. Your mind will expand, if you are open for it. I'm more inclined towards comfort and safety than adventures and travels, and I appreciate peace and quiet. 

In "Devadatta" chapter of the Lotus Sutra, Shakyamuni Buddha reveals that his cousin and brother-in-law, Devadatta, who tried to kill him several times and take over Buddhist community, was in fact his teacher in previous existence, and in future he too shall become Buddha. For me this narrative primarily tells about importance of this life, and that I do matter just as I am. People always matter: nobody can see everything, all connections and consequences, not even in their own life, let alone in lives of others. Evolution is not always straightforward. Sometimes it goes winding byways, even in one lifetime. Through trials and errors you learn best. Likewise, Nichiren in his letters reminds of the words of Shakyamuni Buddha, that it is very rare and lucky to be born human. You don't need to take it too metaphysically: just that this life is deeply meaningful. 

Zeena Schreck has said: "No doubt, humans will do a lot of damage before we ultimately destroy ourselves. But life will continue without humans. New forms of intelligence will emerge long after this human experiment is over." I agree. And it is not depressing. It's a beautiful and comforting thought in its own peculiar way. In summer nights when you lie down outside staring at the starry sky, it can be extremely thrilling: you feel like an insignificant dust particle in enormous scale of the universe, and you might even fear of disappearing into the infinity. But is it so fearsome after all? One time I visited planetarium, and heard a commentary that we live in "violent and hostile" universe. I wouldn't describe natural conditions and processes like that. We are not just dust... but rather stardust.  

I already know two people who died younger than me, and as a heart patient myself, a thought about death has truly crystallized to me. I have learnt that I will die too. Self-evident fact, you might think, yet so distant and unfamiliar for most of us. It won't prevent me from living, but rather enhances the significance of life. Next I would like to delve deeply into death, as I have met with it: every time was different, but every time was a blessing in disguise.  

I remember as a child I used to ponder what it feels like, when you no longer exist. I scared my friend to tears by insisting that everybody must die, including her mother. At very young age I started to read books about parapsychology, and already at elementary school I wrote an essay, how I'm not afraid of death because I believe that human soul continues living in spirit world. (I was a little embarrassed that I revealed something so personal!) 

When my grandmother died, I was happy I had a valid excuse why I couldn't go to funeral. I guess I felt like people don't understand that she's not really gone. And guess what: she started haunting at my aunt's house where she had lived - many people witnessed footsteps and sighs in the middle of the night. It ended when my aunt asked her to leave. I went to funeral few years later when my cousin committed suicide, even though he was much older and we were never close. Yet that mournful atmosphere was compelling. 

A Sacred Moment

In early 1999 I got a phone call. My father was hospitalized: he had cancer and was only on pain medication; he was in bad condition and couldn't even speak anymore. No idea how many days were left. I felt empty. It kind of hurt me that it didn't hurt me. Last time I saw my father three years back, and we never really talked about anything. He was my father only biologically. I could not lose something I never had in the first place. I spoke with a priest on a phone, and got some good advice; I felt this was a sacred privilege bestowed upon me, and it was my humane obligation to take it.  I borrowed the money and traveled the very next day, empowered after the Mass of my church, The Christian Community (I actually joined the church only later in the end of that year). I hardly recognized my father - he was only a shadow of his former self, but I was prepared for that, so I wasn't too shocked. I told him I bear no ill will and I'm happy... that I'm grateful I still got to see him, that I had been thinking about him and prayed for him. I read him the psalm 23, and I could ever swear his breathing became easier. Then I prayed the Lord's Prayer aloud. Finally, I just stroked his hair and said, "go in peace, when it's time", giving a kiss on his forehead. At least I imagined he reacted like he was moved. 

I felt good. It was beautiful, a sacred moment, like a flash of eternity in time, and just like that, one of a kind, I wanted to carry it with me. I didn't say much, but it was necessary and straight from the heart, not for my sake but for him. The following night my father peacefully passed away. I was thankful thinking that he only waited for me. Again and again I saw in my mind when I said "go in peace" and gave him a kiss. If I had gone there crying how awful it is, it wouldn't have been such harmonious and unitive experience. Hardly anyone could understand that ineffable peace prevailing in my heart. In that brief moment I felt I got such a deep connection to my father, that in a way it kind of voided all those lost years in between. If I cried, I cried for joy. 

Relatives on my father's side, whom I actually didn't know at all, were fussing around. It seemed to me people automatically expect their ossified ways of thinking are universal and apply to everyone. It was obvious for me to respect their grief, but who would have respected my feelings? Probably I would have been misunderstood and considered cold and heartless person for not grieving my father! 

I was not prepared for everything that followed, running around bureaus, taking care of official matters. Everyone said I am the closest relative, and it is my decision; juridically closest, not spiritually, and what was I able to decide? What kind of tombstone there will be, and some people had a nerve to complain about that too: I chose one that reminded me of my father, a simple black stone, with white birch tree. But allegedly it was a problem that it had no cross on it. As if his eternal bliss depended on some stone on earth! It seemed to me people repeat phrases like "now he's in peace", but they haven't digested them themselves. Instead, all this proved to me how firm foundation I had in my worldview, and it worked out in the real world. 

As soon as I got off the bus in my home town, I felt like I was able to breathe freely. I had hardly slept in three nights, but at home I slept peacefully and I was not bothered, as I got distance to center of things. I spoke about my father's death with several people. I started to read the Gospel of John for him, walking by him in spirit. On the funeral day I was afraid I might be carried away with other people's outbursts of feelings, as if violently pushed out of my place, but that didn't happen: while others were sobbing around, I was calm, surprising even myself. At the same time there was the Mass in my congregation, so I figured I was empowered through invisible ways, by the wings of angels. 

Everything was well organised, but I wasn't asked about anything. The Memorial Service was offered by "Association of Peace" of Conservative Laestadians. My father's parents and siblings were members, but he converted back to his childhood faith only when facing death. Thank God! I mean I'm thankful for not being raised within that belief system. It was another problem, that as a child I was afraid of my father; he drank a lot and was often violent towards my mother. Luckily he lived with us for few years only, and was mostly absent from my life. 

Now I let their typical jargon go in one ear and out the other: "You, who still haven't found this only true faith, here it is offered." I just wasn't too happy when a complete stranger came to me weeping, and told I should go to Association of Peace in my home town because... "your father surely would have hoped that you too will be saved!" So I should walk ready made path and not listen to my heart? Honoring the dead has its limits: I can't continue his life, I have life of my own. 

Me 3 y.o.

My father

My father's material inheritance proved to be blessing in many ways, but I don't go to that. In peculiar way I learnt to know my father better and understand him after his death, when I went through his papers - at the same time I learnt to understand myself better and sought help for my own issues. I found some photos of him as a young man I had never seen before, and it was apparent from whom I had inherited my look. Likewise, I found earliest photos of myself, at the age of three. After his death I also started volunteer work at the hospice for many years. 

Uncanny Connection of Fate

During the following 16 years, I had a sad privilege to accompany four beloved cats in turn on their final journey over the rainbow bridge. Each one of them had a proper Christian memorial service I composed of various sources. 

Our 4 beloved cats, art by me (Paint)

Yet nothing prepared me for the sudden death of my partner in 2015; before that I knew absolutely nothing about facing the death. That story is told in my post, "Through Death to Love" (unlike I say in the beginning, I later did write a similar post in Finnish! Usually it is the other way around, first Finnish, then English). 

I on the right and my late partner

In my post in 2019 I mentioned I will blog about my heart surgery, "hopefully in near future". I never did. But now this is where it is appropriate for. My condition was accidentally found mild in 2013, when I went to see a doctor for another issue. It was exactly the same valvular defect my partner had! Next check was in 2016, and it was medium severe. Again, a couple of years went by, and cardiologist told me what I didn't want to hear: it was of difficult degree, and if I don't consent to surgery, chamber will be damaged sooner or later, and it leads to death. The death of my partner was obviously haunting in back of my mind, but I was not him: he already had had a lung surgery previously, he got depressed and kept asking, "why always me?" He drank more and more - what you should not do - didn't go to weekly medicine controls, didn't go to dentist but took pain killers (oral health is essential!), and he started to avoid all stress so that he hardly moved anymore, and gained a lot of weight. It shouldn't have been surprise that his heart finally failed. 

I immediately quit random smoking when I heard the news. Drinking has never been an issue for me. In back of my mind I was aware I might die, but I had better preconditions to survive than my partner ever had. And possibility of death is always present, it is just a natural part of life! Yet I was kind of surprised when a surgeon said this is one of the biggest operations one can have (open heart surgery, where your heart is paused - for 2,5 hours that was!), and there is a possibility to perish during or after. I guess I "knew" it but didn't actually realize it before. However, I'm grateful it was said straightforward. I understand why people I knew kept saying, "it will go well, they know what they are doing." But I don't think it was fully realistic, no matter how well-meaning it was. 

Same defect was very uncanny connection of fate, but it was karma which brought us together in the first place. You might even say we were one at heart (and equally broken). His death was to me initiation of spirit, Baptism of mental agony and tears, that pushed me forward by giant leap. This was to be initiation of body, Baptism of physical pain and blood I might need to grow further, facing my own fragility and mortality. Couple of hours before the year 2019 began, I did my Buddhist practice, and what enormous empowerment, gratefulness and trust I felt, knowing what trials would come. The Christian Community was kind of shared find for me and my partner then, now I would face this with something of my own. It's not "why me?", but rather "why not me too", just like anyone else. There are always worse illnesses and greater sufferings. If it was karma that brought us together, here I see it discharging: my fate goes different direction. You shape your destiny, and it's up to your attitude. My positive attitude was very crucial, that can't be emphasized too much! 

My operation was on April 30th 2019. For couple of months before that in my daily Gongyo, I dedicated my practice for successful operation and full recovery. I also sent reiki to myself for operation and convalescence. For two weeks before surgery, every night I burnt Spikenard oil in aroma lamp. It is calming, but because Jesus was anointed with it for death, I used it for preparation as well. I wasn't going to die, but I could not be sure. 

Sometimes I felt like some vague presentiment was trying to break out of darkness of subconsciousness, and just a hunch was so frightening, so oppressive, that I quickly turned it down and suppressed it, because I didn't want to know anything about it. Probably it was nothing rational anyway, but something primitive. Weird thing is, I first felt like that years before surgery, and it was triggered by religious symbol I saw online. In my conscious mind I wasn't too nervous before surgery, but I could feel distress in my body.

Four months sick leave totally. I just have to say I'm happy we have universal health care and good social security in Finland. All costs were reasonable, and I could manage them. Today everything is fine, my heart is in good shape, I'm well. I eat healthier than before, and exorcise regularly. Life is good!

Thank you, sorry and goodbye!

My mother

Then my mother died in 2021. She was hospitalized in September. I was used to her having these periods for few days, and lately they seemed to have increased, but this time it prolonged for three weeks. Treatment finally started to be effective, a doctor told me on a phone, but the very next morning I was called that she was found lifeless in her bed. It was a surprise even for a doctor. I was ashamed I never visited her in the hospital: one should never think there is still time. After work I went to the chapel, where her body was laid out for me. First and last I chanted Daimoku [explained further below] three times with gassho 🙏 and bow. I told her, "thank you, sorry and goodbye, dear mother", and words I quoted earlier, "May Christ be in you; May the light of the land of Spirit shine upon you." I meditated for half an hour before her body, looking at her lifeless face, and kissed her cold forehead. 

I strongly recommend that everyone should at least see their deceased loved one. It's just as natural as a new born baby, and a healthy reminder. Form was empty: a flame enlivening it was gone - not extinguished, just gone. It was almost hard to recognize her - because it was not her! It was no longer somebody, but something that was used by somebody before. It's not fear you feel before the ultimate questions, but deep respect before the Majesty of Life (and Death). Why fear something that comes to all of us, just as naturally as we were born into this world. We are all equal in death, all cross the threshold equally alone. Death won't segregate, and I don't think we are divided in different places or treated differently. Many of us may have definite thoughts of what will happen, but the fact is that nobody really knows, and it's stupid arrogance if you can't acknowledge this! 

I only cried on the first day, but I found it positive that it hurt more than I expected. I felt like my roots were torn off. After that, awareness moved from feelings to thinking, and all concerns caused by this. I'm always worried and always everything goes just fine. Now it was only momentary feeling that the Veil between two worlds was thinner, which was very strong after my partner died, but the difference was that then I actively reached out for him. This was expected, even if it got me by surprise. It's only natural that children bury their parents. This death didn't stop me, shock me or change my life. It was just part of life. 

I never had a relationship with my father, but his family helped organizing the funeral, and he had lot of savings to cover the expenses, and more. With my partner we had not formalized our relationship: his father mainly took care of things and paid everything. But I got to make decisions that mattered. Now for the first time I had to take full responsibility for everything, and my mother was a poor pensioner. However, it turned out that situation was not quite as bad as I imagined: there was enough on her bank account to cover the expenses for cheapest option I found. I was grateful: once again I should not have doubted that the universe works in my favor. 

I put a photograph of my mother on my altar, and dedicated my daily practice for her for 49 days - a Buddhist mourning period, that strangely ended on her birthday on December 4th! Of course I do realize: too little too late. Even though I believe in spiritual practice, I could have done much more for her when she was alive. It's just like praying for someone in need, instead of helping them in concrete way. A sincere good will is half of the process, but it stays halfway, a beautiful thought, unless it is embodied in good deeds.  

Her funeral was in Lutheran church, because she was always a member, even though I don't know her beliefs. It was natural for me to choose the same pieces of music as in my partner's funeral: in the beginning, Adagio in G Minor by Albinoni:

In between, my favorite Finnish Lutheran hymn, "Herra kädelläsi" (Lord on Thy hand). I have sweet memories related to that. This version below is performed by Finnish pop artist, Jenni Vartiainen. It is joyful, and the last verse speaks of death (my translation): 

Lord on Thy hand
I lay down my head in sleep
You call your friend to rest
Hand will carry me
to new life
giving me peace forever, I stay in light
It is my happiness to be
close to the Lord
I can resort to God alone
It is my happiness to be
close to the Lord
I want to sing about His deeds

Last we heard Bach's Cantata 147, "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring":

We started with solemn and melancholic mood, and ended with hopeful, uplifting melody. In between there was room for whole  spectrum of emotions. It didn't feel too burdensome at any point, but when Bach began to play, I felt lightened. For reading I chose the Psalm 23, which I have always liked. "A beautiful and simple service", someone said. Like my mother. She left like she lived. And it suits for me as well. In fact, I want something even simpler for myself [see below]! 

The Memorial Service

I was insecure if I could leave it to my loved ones, presuming they are able and willing to take care of my funeral on their own, according to my wishes. Then again, I know that in Soka Gakkai International lay members, since it is a lay movement, conduct funerals for members. Sometimes even relatives, if they were also members, may lead the ceremony. So it is not too much to expect. My loved ones are not Buddhists, but neither they have nothing against it. 

I wish my old printed Gohonzon is placed upon my chest in coffin, and fragrant sandalwood chips (that I have) are sprinkled around the body. I came up with this idea independently, and only when Thich Nhat Hahn died in 2022, I saw there actually is a practice of covering the body with sandalwood chips (I have to settle for less). 

I have composed this ritual for myself, according to my mind, because I am an independent practitioner, and don't belong to any Buddhist organization because of my choice. This unofficial ritual will replace any other ceremonies, and it is performed after cremation at home, with those few loved ones who can and will attend. Virtual participation is possible for those who can not come (I myself took part in two funerals of a relative remotely, holding my Buddhist practice at the same time, and sending a white rose for the event: thus I was truly there in spirit, it was not a mere expression), but it is recommendable to gather together. People can donate for charity: rescue cats are close to my heart (I've had many)! In Buddhism, it is seen as an offering for the deceased. 

I wish my altar is maintained at least for 49 days - a Buddhist mourning period, and in any case until this ritual can be performed. A candle, an incense stick, a beautiful memory, a good thought, maybe even mantra, Namu Myoho Renge Kyo, three times daily...

Portrait of me (1997)

Chairs are arranged facing the altar. Phones are muted. There are fresh water and fruit offerings on the altar. My portrait is on display, and so is the urn. Participants may each bring a one single white rose, and they are put in vase. Gohonzon, "the object of devotion", Nichiren's calligraphic mandala, is revealed. Candles are lit. People bow to the Gohonzon with hands in gassho 🙏. Everyone may offer an incense stick. They may sit. The singing bowl is stricken five times. 

Selected quotes are read aloud. 

Reading loud:

Through this act of love, may __.__ enjoy the positive conditions, high rebirth, happiness and peace. May he meet the perfect teacher, and quickly attain perfect enlightenment for the benefit of all living beings without exception. 

[Above formula I have used in my practice while commemorating the deceased relatives. In addition, words below are from Sylvain Chamberlain-Nyudo...] 

Also, we pray and meditate deeply that all the positive causes made by the deceased, live long and impact widely all those sentient beings they touch, and that any remaining negative effects are dissipated and minimized through our own sincere effort and meditations.

[Most of the service is in form of videos, so that everything is as easy as possible. I learnt my practice through YouTube videos, so it is just natural continuation.]

Refuge 

[I added the refuge in my Gongyo in 2024 to be in touch with the mainstream Buddhist tradition. It is part, for one, of Rissho Kosei-kai sutra recitations, which is one Nichiren Buddhist school. "I take refuge in Buddha": Shakyamuni Buddha is eternal through his teachings, and we aspire to manifest our own inherent Buddhahood. "I take refuge in Dharma" - the teachings: in Japanese, ho, "the Law", truth about life and universe, and Buddha's teachings concerning it; in Nichiren Buddhism it is especially the Lotus Sutra and Namu Myoho Renge Kyo. "I take refuge in Sangha" - the community: for me as an independent practitioner, this is Nichiren Shonin, and the chain of his millions of followers throughout the centuries, with which I'm united by the common practice.]

Reading loud: 

How long does a lifetime last? If one stops to consider, it is like a single night's lodging at a wayside inn. Should one forget that fact and seek some measure of worldly fame and profit? Though you may simply gain them, they will be mere prosperity in a dream, a delight scarcely to be prized. You would do better simply to leave such matters to the karma formed in your previous existences. Once you awaken to the uncertainty and transience of this world, you will find endless examples confronting your eyes and filling your ears. Vanished like clouds of rain, the people of past ages have left nothing but their names. Fading away like dew, drifting far off like smoke, our friends of today too disappear from sight. Should you suppose that you alone can somehow remain forever like the clouds over Mount Mikasa? The spring blossoms depart with the wind; maple leaves turn red in autumn showers. All are proof that no living thing can stay for long in this world. Therefore, the Lotus Sutra counsels us, "Nothing in this world is lasting or firm but all are like bubbles, foam, heat shimmer."

The life of a human being is fleeting. The exhaled breath never waits for the inhaled one. Even dew before the wind is hardly a sufficient metaphor. It is the way of the world that whether one is wise or foolish, old or young, one never knows what will happen to one from one moment to the next. Therefore I should first of all learn about death, and then about other things.

The Nirvana Sutra states, "Human life runs its course more swiftly than a mountain stream; the person here today will not likely be here tomorrow." The Maya Sutra reads, "Imagine, for instance, a flock of sheep being driven by a chandala to the slaughterhouse. Human life is exactly the same; step by step one approaches the place of death." 

The most dreadful things in the world are the pain of fire, the flashing of swords, and the shadow of death. Even horses and cattle fear being killed; no wonder human beings are afraid of death. Even a leper clings to life; how much more so a healthy person. 

It is the way of the world that birth and death are the eternally unchanging characteristics of life throughout the three existences of the past, present and future. This is nothing to grieve over or be surprised at. 

Since your deceased husband was a votary of this sutra, he doubtless attained Buddhahood as he was. You need not grieve so much over his passing. But to grieve is natural, since you are an ordinary person. Even sages are sometimes sad. Although Shakyamuni Buddha’s greatest disciples had been awakened to the truth of life, they could not help lamenting his passing. Perhaps they behaved as ordinary people do. By all means perform as much good as you possibly can for the sake of your deceased husband.

- Nichiren 

Gongyo 

["To exert oneself in practice", a short ceremony twice a day. Two parts of the Lotus Sutra are recited in Sino-Japanese, and Daimoku, the sacred title of the Lotus Sutra, is repeated. The Sutra recitation below is from Rissho Kosei-kai, and Daimoku is from Nichiren Shu, two separate Nichiren Buddhist schools.]

The Lotus Sutra

[Namu Myoho Renge Kyo: "Devotion/Homage to the Mystic Law/Wonderful Dharma of the Lotus Sutra". Some schools of Nichiren Buddhism use short form of "Nam"; it's not wrong, but nowadays I use full form of "Namu". Participants may chant here in unison, hands in gassho gesture...]

Daimoku

[So called "silent prayers" are included in SGI Gongyo (I use them too, but my prayers - or meditations - are inspired by other independent practitioners, often former SGI members), and one of them is a prayer for the deceased. So, at this point people present may silently in their minds offer a prayer/blessing/wish in their own words, as a moment of silent pause is taken.]

Four Bodhisattva Vows

[In 2024 I also added four Bodhisattva vows to my Gongyo; they are part of Nichiren Shu style of liturgy. According to the Lotus Sutra, we are the Bodhisattvas of the earth. This is a song in English by brother ChiSing: "Countless beings we vow to save; ceaseless afflictions we vow to end; limitless Dharma doors we vow to open; the highest path of awakening we vow to realize." In Nichiren Shu liturgy it goes like this: "Sentient beings are innumerable: I vow to save them all. Our evil desires are inexhaustible: I vow to quench them all. The Buddha's teachings are immeasurable: I vow to study them all. The way of the Buddha is unexcelled: I vow to attain the Path Sublime."]

Reading loud: 

The Thus Come One perceives the true aspect of the threefold world exactly as it is. There is no ebb or flow of birth and death, and there is no existing in this world and later entering extinction. It is neither substantial nor empty, neither consistent nor diverse. Nor is it what those who dwell in the threefold world perceive it to be. All such things the Thus Come One sees clearly and without error.

- The Lotus Sutra

[In sutras Buddha often calls himself and other buddhas "Tathagata", the Thus Come One. The threefold world is the world of unenlightened beings we live in, consisting of the world of desire, the world of form, and the world of formlessness.]

The fourth volume of the Lotus Sutra states: ‘If one can uphold this [sutra], he will be upholding the Buddha’s body.’ Neither the pure land nor hell exists outside ourselves; both lie within our own hearts. Awakened to this truth, one is called a Buddha; deluded about it, one is called a common mortal. The Lotus Sutra reveals this truth, and one who embraces the Lotus Sutra will realize that hell is itself the Land of Tranquil Light.

Be resolved to summon forth the great power of faith, and chant Namu-myoho-renge-kyo with the prayer that your faith will be steadfast and correct at the moment of death. Never seek any other way to inherit the ultimate Law of life and death, and manifest it in your life. Only then will you realize that earthly desires are enlightenment, and that the sufferings of birth and death are nirvana.

For one who summons up one’s faith and chants Namu-myoho-renge-kyo with the profound insight that now is the last moment of one’s life, the sutra proclaims: “When the lives of these persons come to an end, they will be received into the hands of a thousand Buddhas, who will free them from all fear and keep them from falling into the evil paths of existence.” How can we possibly hold back our tears at the inexpressible joy of knowing that... as many as a thousand Buddhas will come to greet us with open arms!

- Nichiren 

The singing bowl is stricken three times. 

 See also: English summary of my other blog, about Nichiren Buddhism.

 Afterwards, beverage and snacks are served. A potluck might be a good idea. People can share their memories. Certain memorabilia may be distributed among them, including my jewelry, books, drawings, and possibly old photos if anyone cares. 

 

Thank You For The Music

 Since it is the high point of the year this weekend, Eurovision Song Contest 2023, in Liverpool, UK, I decided to make more lighthearted post this time. I have been planning for this for long time, and ESC just gave me a good reason to actualize it now. I will post this after we will know the results, and finish the last details. 

Here I'm going to take a look at musical influences in my life. My taste is very broad, from some classical music to metal, from electric pop to rock. I don't care what genre it is, I just know if I like it, and I'm proud that at my age I'm not stuck with nostalgia: I still always try to find something new. I try to keep this short, and only focus on the most essential, so remember it's a small proportion of wide variety. You can check my YouTube Channel (see the sidebar), and my playlists for more.

So, as a child my first musical interest was Elvis Presley. I'm almost ashamed to admit that, but I didn't know anything yet. But soon, as a teen of the 1980's, I became a fan of Hanoi Rocks - Finland's first international success story. They never quite made it, because at the critical moment their drummer died in car crash on tour in the USA 1984, in a car driven by Vince Neil of Motley Crue. But they still had a huge influence on other bands of an era, and gathered a cult following. Their singer, Michael Monroe, has continued on successful international solo career, and last year he celebrated his 60th birthday with huge concert in Helsinki, where original line up of Hanoi Rocks also performed. People came to see it from abroad too. To be honest, I don't really listen to his music nowadays, but as 53 years old myself, I find him very inspiring person: He can still ROCK, and he has always dared to be himself! (And still  looks amazing!) He is the living legend, and very much liked in Finland. Following sample I chose from their 1983 album, "Back to Mystery City": 

Hanoi Rocks: "Until I get you" live 1983 

Michael Monroe 60th Birthday Bash 23.9.2022: Hanoi Rocks - Tragedy

This year we got the new release of the second studio album of Hanoi Rocks, Oriental Beat - 40th Anniversary The Re(al)mix. (See Wikipedia: Oriental Beat)

Update 13.6.23: I just have to add this global news few days ago; Michael finally met Vince Neil on June 2023 at festival in Finland, and he himself wrote: "One of the most important moments of my life was meeting Vince Neil for the first time last night. Razzle [Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley] always wanted us to meet as he thought 'us singers' were a lot alike. Under different circumstances both bands probably would've ended up as good friends, but fate had other plans... Thank you for your time, Vince. We didn't say much but your eyes told me more than 1000 words ever could. And your singing was great at the show. Nice to finally see you guys live!" - That's Michael, that's the sort of guy he is! 

Vince Neil and Michael Monroe

Of course in 1980's I listened to all sorts of music, including international top artists and bands, like Duran Duran, Culture Club, Eurythmics... (God, I'm old! 😄) Music, along with some movies and Tv-shows, was the bright side of that era to me; in other aspects my life was very depressing. 

Also, I remember first time watching Eurovision Song Contest in the 1980's, but it was quite different back then: so rigid and boring. Although, I don't think there is any doubt that ABBA is the most successful winner of the contest ever, and that was already in the 70's! (Title of this post is a name of one of their songs, you know.)

I didn't watch it every year. Nowadays it is THE ULTIMATE QUEER SHOW! (Or "Gay Paralympics", as someone said.) Live performance, costumes, dancers, lights, pyro... all that is important as well. It is so unpredictable: sometimes the winner is very artsy (and I don't really like that kind), sometimes it is more campy, and everything in between. That's diversity! You never know what people will like this year. It's never "the same old". Juries in each country give their points first in Grand Final, but public vote often changes everything. I have been watching ESC regularly only after I met my husband in 2016, because he is a big fan! 

For a while in the 1990's, when I had my "spiritual awakening", so to speak, I listened to a lot of New Age music, but soon there was a short period when I only listened to classical music, and that was because I was a member of cult, and they said popular music is bad for you ("rock is satanic", and all that shit... but New Age music was considered bad as well).

When I had to bury my late partner, and later my mother, it was my wish that at both funerals they played Albinoni's Adagio in G minor (which in fact was not composed by Albinoni) for opening, and J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of man's desiring" BMW 147 for closing. First, melancholic tunes in the beginning, and then almost hopeful tone in the end. That's life. 

When I started to listen to pop and rock in the 1990's again, after meeting my late partner, and leaving that cult, there was a lot of excellent music on that decade, as we all know. The one song that summarizes all that, is the world wide hit from Finland, Sandstorm by Darude. Not long ago I visited with my husband, who was born in 1991, a museum exhibition of the 1990's, and this was the song they played there:

Darude: Sandstorm (1999)

In 2001, Finnish world-famous rock band, The Rasmus, published their album Into, and I was very much into it. I saw them live many times. However, the next album didn't impress me that much, they changed their style to darker, and my enthusiasm faded. Last year they represented Finland in ESC, but didn't reach very high. 

The Rasmus: F-F-F-Falling (2001)

And then the moment came when Finland finally won ESC in 2006, with monster band Lordi and their song, "Hard Rock Hallelujah": certainly one of the most memorable acts in the history of ESC until this day: 

Lordi: Hard Rock Hallelujah at ESC 2006

In 2019 Hatari represented Iceland with their song, Hatrid mun sigra ("hate will prevail"), and suddenly I became a FAN. You can like many kinds of music, but being a true fan is rare, to me anyway; I would say it's almost like a religious experience. I saw them on gig in Helsinki that same year, and again after Covid in 2022. On March 2023 we were told that band's screamer, Matthias, is leaving. It was very sad news. How could they continue without him? I made a poster of one photo taken in Helsinki in remembrance. My unpopular opinion, which I haven't dared to put into words before this, is that I could sense on October 2022 that something was different: They performed very well, and quality of the sound was much better than the last time, but some chemistry, vibe, energy... whatever... that I felt in 2019 was lacking. They already knew about Matthias, and he soon told in interview that he didn't enjoy performing anymore. 

This is the picture I made a poster of: Klemens
and Matthias (Einar in drums in the background)
performing "Soda Ritual".

I just loved the fact that they sing in their native tongue! See: Hatari translations. They don't have a single song I wouldn't like. 

Hatari: Hatrid mun sigra at ESC 2019

Amazingly enough, ESC 2023 introduced me a new band I immediately started to follow: Lord of the Lost from Germany! They already have a long history and many albums. I have been aware of them, but never payed attention. This is the power of ESC! Yes, I can say I am a fan now: Can't wait to see them live! Hatari and Lord of the Lost are very different, but there is one common word to describe their music, and that is "industrial", whatever that means... 

Lord of the Lost: Blood & Glitter

This year at ESC the international hype around Finland's Käärijä has been massive. Even in my hometown they lighted the centre with green lights in support of him. I personally remained quite neutral. It's one song. Who had heard of Käärijä even in Finland before this? Of course I sincerely hoped Finland would win, it would be about time to redo it. I supported Germany and voted for them (this year it's been made possible to vote all around the world, outside of ESC participants too - you can't vote for your own country obviously, unless you are located in some other country). Lord of the Lost - who have connections to Finland - even made a cover of Käärijä's song in Finnish, and in my opinion it's better than the original (go find it on YouTube!). For the show I wore red instead of green, and put a golden glitter on my face. But for the first time in my life I bought a bottle of real Champagne... and I'm not going to waste it by pouring it on myself, as in lyrics of Cha Cha Cha (see them in English). Unfortunately, Germany was the last; still, it was a gain for myself (new favorite band; So, gain for them as well - new fans!). Nevertheless, Käärijä came second; Loreen from Sweden won. This time it was Jury points that made a difference. That was our second best place ever! But I know many people in Finland will think that was a loss; that's just the nature of this nation. But Käärijä has ascended to Eurovision hall of fame forever! Anyway, it will take a long, long time for us to beat this result, I'm afraid not in my lifetime, and that's why I am a little disappointed. It was very contradictory experience, and hopefully I will recover by next year, but meanwhile I feel like I don't even want to hear about ESC! 

One week later (21.5.2023): I just have to add that now that we have seen Käärijä breaking all the records, I can only be proud of him, and proud of being Finn! He did win... hearts of people. 💚💚💚

Käärijä: Cha Cha Cha

If I should pick up one artist singing in Finnish whom I really like, that's easy: It is Olavi Uusivirta, singer - song writer, and actor. This song is quite old already (2006), but it's very touching; Hautalaulu ("Gravesong"). See lyrics in English. He's got more rocking tunes too. It's a shame I am yet to see him live; his live performances are praised. 

Olavi Uusivirta: Hautalaulu 

American Song Contest in 2022 was based on Eurovision Song Contest. It was shown on Finnish television as well, but I didn't watch it: it's not the same at all! I like to watch videos where Americans react to European things, and ESC is definitely one of my favorite subjects! 

But not all Americans are unaware of ESC: On YouTube I follow American drag queen Maxxy Rainbow, who is a big fan of ESC: he/she was in Italy last year, and now in Liverpool. I just love how excited and emotional he/she is about everything! That's an example of real ESC fan for all of us! Check out his/her YouTube Channel: Maxxy Rainbow ESC. 

Personally, I'm not musical at all. One time in my youth I have sung Karaoke, and that was also the last time ever, I promise! However, to include Buddhism/spirituality in this post, Tina Turner has said: 

"Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is a song. In the Soka Gakkai tradition we are taught how to sing it. It is a sound and a rhythm and it touches a place inside you. That place we try to reach is the subconscious mind. I believe that it is the highest place and, if you communicate with it, that is when you receive information on what to do. Singing a song can make you cry. Singing a song can make you happy. That’s spirit—the spirit inside of you."

It is true, it actually feels like singing. If I start chanting after I have listened to music I like, I feel like that same energy music gave me, is coming forth from myself, it is uniting two experiences following one another as one.  In 2020 Daimoku (Nam-myoho-renge-kyo) was part of Azerbaijan's Eurovision entry, Cleopatra. My husband was especially excited to point out this fact to me, and he still reminds me of it at times! Somehow it validated my practice for him, so I'm glad about the song, even if it feels a little forced and random how mantra is included, to add some mystical vibe. Sadly, that was the year contest was cancelled because of Pandemic. 

Efendi: Cleopatra (ESC Azerbaijan 2020)

My Conversion to Nichiren Buddhism

In the beginning of this year, 2018, I practiced silent meditation, Zazen, not daily but whenever I had time and I felt like it; I also started to go to my church, The Christian Community, every Sunday. Yet my spiritual life was very dry. Even though I learnt to appreciate the tradition of my church again, and I found inner peace in our Mass just like always before, I no longer could call myself a Christian, neither I believed in personal God, or that Jesus was more than human. With my partner we go to the "Rainbow Mass" of the Lutheran Church, aimed for GLBTQ-people, and I'm happy we can share that religious world together. 

I see certain progress in my spiritual life, especially since 2015, but even when I avowed myself a Luciferean, I really needed to take that step, go deep to the darkness to find my way back to the light again. After all, Lucifer means "the bringer of light"! I'm proud I can see the both sides without fear; it's balance. 

So my mind was moving for certain direction. Oriental thought seemed much more natural to me than Christian world view. I have always been interested in Buddhism, and vaguely aware of different schools of Buddhism. But it seemed perhaps a little too intellectual, more like philosophy than religion. That's why Zen was most interesting to me, and I went to local Zendo to learn to meditate in Zen way - Zazen. I have meditated before, and there are different techniques in Zen too, but the one I adopted because it suits me so well, is a "technique without technique". Basicly, it's just sitting. There is no purpose. When you focus on something, you are easily distracted, but with this technique everything that happens around you, becomes part of your practice. I also liked it because it goes beyond words and ideas and needs no faith in anything. 

 I have become very critical, even skeptical, about spirituality and religion, and yet I do have a tendency toward mysticism, and it's good to see that I still can get excited about something. So what happened next was not a result of thinking, but more like a "mystical experience", very sudden and surprising even for myself. I'm almost ashamed to admit it was triggered by such a trivial thing: I was watching a Youtube video of Tina Turner chanting a mantra, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo; it touched me deeply, resonating with something within me. It stuck with my mind, and after couple of days I started chanting at home. Soon after I set up a proper Buddhist altar, and now I'm learning to recite the Lotus Sutra in Japanese!

While silent meditation is passive and more about your mind, chanting is very physical and active. I haven't stopped meditating, but even meditation feels more profound after chanting. I had not even read about Nam Myoho Renge Kyo before - I only remember seeing the movie "What's love got to do with it" in the 1990's, and a scene of Tina Turner chanting; I was with a Japanese friend, who pointed out she was chanting in Japanese.

Now that I read more about its meaning, I right away acknowledged that I already believe in this! It's like a key I have been missing... to tune myself with the rhythm of the universe. In previous post, "Through Death to Love", I tell what happened to me after my long-time partner suddenly died. Already then I felt like everything goes just like it's supposed to go, in the best possible way: The Universe is working in favor of me, and I'm in the flow of life. Miracles happened, things I never dreamed of doing. Of course the death of my partner was something I never wanted, but it was like forces of change were blocked, and a "strike of destiny" was necessary. Everything after that was not by grace granted by some higher being, but I found the power and courage within me to act for change. Even after that I have also experienced a setback, when I have lost my course, let the worries distract my mind and anger blur my vision. Water will carry you as long as you trust it will, if you panic, you will drown; that's the nature of life too. You need to adapt to its flow, because if you stand against it, you are asking for trouble and suffering. It's an attitude you can choose and act on it.
That's what I mean by "key", a tool to work with, to harmonize yourself with the Law of Life. "In the beginning was the Word..." (1 Jh.1)

This practice comes from Nichiren Buddhism, which also has various subgroups with slightly different tenets. In Finland, where I live, we have Nichiren Shoshu school, and its rebellious offspring, Soka Gakkai International - the most wide spread and largest of all. After doing some research - thanks to internet, it's so easy today, and I seriously encourage everyone to do the same, no matter what religion or spiritual movement you are interested in - I am convinced that I will remain an independent practicioner; there are lots of us throughout the world too. 
I can't really judge something I have no experience of, and I'm sure I would meet nice people in Soka Gakkai International, but I'm also sure I would meet some narrow-minded people, because that's just human! Especially I'm afraid of dogmatism, superstition, and a cult of personality: that's all too familiar for me. I'm just protecting myself from disappointment - I already have enough of that for one life time. I must admit that their attitude toward GLBTQ-people seems to be okay. 
I'm not interested in Temple Buddhism with their priesthood. And I don't really feel like I need a group of like-minded people at all. Like-mindedness to me is both an illusion and a threat, as I have experienced both sides during my spiritual journey; illusion, when you actually have a mind of your own, and you find that your ideas are not accepted; threat, when you are so brainwashed that you believe everything you are told, even if it is against your very nature. 
From three major branches of Nichiren Buddhism, Nichiren Shu seems to be closest to traditional Buddhism. 
Here are the theses I hold to: 

• There is no one true form of Buddhism, just like there is no one true form of Christianity. 
• I revere Shakyamuni Buddha; Nichiren is not Buddha of "the Latter day of the Law". He was just a priest. Some people have compared him with Luther. Just like Luther, he also had his faults as a human being. He didn't invent chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, he only wrapped it up in this form and deserves to be remembered as its populariser. 
• The Lotus Sutra is one Sutra among others. This practice is based on it, so it is essential. But more traditional Buddhist teachings are important too. Personally, I perceive the Lotus Sutra a kind of like the Gospel according to John in Christianity: it is later than other canonical gospels, and includes highly developed theology; it is central to all Christian Churches, but a question is, is it more a teaching about Jesus than teaching of Jesus. However, power of myths is meaningful too, it addresses the feeling rather than reason.

I have printed my Gohonzon from internet, and that is obviously sacrilegious to all hardcore-Nichiren-Buddhists. I keep it framed on the wall above my small altar table - not closed in Butsudan when I don't practice - and I also have a statue of Shakyamuni Buddha on the shelf in the middle. 

As an independent practicioner, you are of course free to choose which elements of practice speak to you. Daimoku is after all the one and only thing necessary. When I still was Christian, my private devotional practice was composed of very similar elements, so it is not so alien to me. It fascinates me that this is much more religious discipline than mere silent meditation. However, it's hard for me to see Daimoku separate from Buddhist context, or else you might just as well repeat the phrase, "abracadabra".
We are in the core of Buddhism: we don't plead with external Deity, expecting for their mercy, but rather try to bring forth our own inherent potential of Buddhahood: Buddha nature. 
This practice is very empowering; it's like opening a spring of clear fresh water in me, it's pure joy, and even though I learnt it from external sources, at the same time I feel it already existed within me, and it is my very own sacred realm, where I am absolutely free individual.
Nichiren Buddhism is sometimes criticised because people chant to achieve material benefits for themselves, and that sounds like New Age to me. Even as a Christian, I didn't want to pray for a specific outcome or realization of some concrete goal, because it seemed too egoistic to me, and how should I know what's really best for me. That's exactly the same thing, and many Christians do that anyway! True happiness is within, not outside. Why expect for a miracle, when life itself is a miracle. I don't practice in hope of some future reward, but because of its immediate positive influence. Yet all the good things that happened to me in recent years were like a by-product of living in harmony with the currents of the Universe, with positive attitude. So I don't claim you need this practice for that, but maybe it helps; it's not always easy, so all the help is welcome.

I realize it may sound a little too simple and irrational, and I think I am quite intellectual and rational guy, but perhaps the greatest things in life are simple and irrational - practical and matters of heart. If you are an independent practicioner of this tradition, I would like to hear from you; we are members of the one spiritual Sangha!