New Revelations

 I am 53 years old this year, and I'm still learning new things about myself. Is it possible to ever know yourself completely, I sincerely doubt it. Today you are not who you were yesterday, rebirth is constantly going on even in one lifetime. The change is the only permanent thing in life: when there is movement, there is life. If you stop evolving, you are already dead. 

I'm always willing to receive new information and correct my perception, instead of stubbornly clinging to the old. My whole life is witness for that. And if you look around and keep your ears open, you will easily notice that not so many people are capable of that. 

Demisexuality

Last year I gained some valuable new insight. First of all, could it be that I am Demisexual? Wikipedia article at the time of writing this, says as follows: 

"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close/strong emotional bond with them..." [...] "How much Demisexuals need to know about a person before they feel sexually attracted to them varies from person to person. There is no specific timeline on how long it takes, either. There is also no way to determine what qualifies as a close or strong bond, which can cause confusion." [...] "Many Demisexuals may choose to engage in casual sex even without experiencing sexual attraction towards their sexual partner." 

That would certainly explain a lot. Basicly, I'm very open and liberal about sexuality: I hate moralism, and in my fantasies I can be anything, but in the real world it is a different matter. I have often emphasized in various contexts the role of emotions in my life. In my experience I don't need to have a crush on person, let alone fall in love with them: it's enough that I know them even for a little while, and like them as a person. Of course good looks also help. That eliminates casual sex, and sex on the first meeting in general. (It's not impossible, though. I've had my share, long time ago, and it was very dissatisfying to me.) "Friends with benefits" sounds good to me! 

Also, plain banging is not pleasing; there has to be tenderness, kissing and fondling involved. Intimate connection between two people should never be meaningless, otherwise why have it in the first place. It has nothing to do with morals. I almost envy those who can exchange partners just like that. I just don't feel comfortable and safe in such a situation with random stranger. In my marriage I have a freedom and permission, but I have used it only twice years ago, with two different men. (And it seems my spouse is very much like myself, with respect to sexuality as well!) So one time is okay if other conditions are met, and romantic relationship or monogamy is not necessary. It's not like there have been many opportunities during these years, so it's not really my decision. There is obviously always individual variation within human sexuality, so nobody can tell me my experience is wrong, because it is not precisely like theirs! 

Self-nude from the 1990's

Demisexuality is on the Asexuality spectrum, and that first bothered me, because I felt I'm actually very sexual person, but the fact is, I've had different phases, and I know I can celibate quite easily. Also, recently when I read my old diaries from the 1990's (I was in my 20's back then), I just realized I didn't even miss or look for love or relationship at that age; all I wanted was pure and honest friendship. I had my first sexual experiences at 27, and soon after I met my partner to be: not because I really wanted to, but because of peer pressure. At the end of the day I can say that sex is not the most important thing in the world! 

It's not like I want a less known, fancy label. It's hard to accept that I'm anything but "just a regular gay", or that Demisexuality is independent sexual orientation, as it seems to be seen. I am what I am anyway. But it may summarise your individual experience of your sexuality, and it only says what I have always known. Yet I have to explain what it means to me. I have been part of that old school, wondering why all these increased self-definitions; as if people want to be categorized in ever smaller groups. But maybe you understand it when you find yourself in one of those groups, and realize that this is how some people experience - I'm not the only one. These categories did not spring out of nowhere. 

See also one of my previous posts, "I love gay sex!"

Late partner

I have another older post, "Sex, Love, Marriage", which I think is frequently read, but it is partially dated, especially regarding my late partner and our relationship. I used to underrate emotions, simply because I had never fallen in love with him! That's why I had to emphasize reason, and make up an excuse that we gradually grew to love one another... I guess I actually managed to make myself believe that, because I needed to justify our relationship... It was in my head, more than in my heart. I didn't even know what love is, so I just made up a rational concept of it - and there's nothing rational about it! I was kind of driven to relationship with him in the first place, it was very complicated; several external factors were at play, and I was vulnerable and under the influence of strong personalities. And it was also because of him that I was even homing in on Christianity - as if I forced myself to believe in that too. 

We ended up being together almost 19 years, "til death did us part". Now, spiritual-minded people often tend to believe everything happens for a reason, everything has a meaning. I guess it's more convenient than to admit that you have wasted years of your life in vain. I tried to please him, avoided conflict, got used to it, feared change, and worried for him. Obviously he had his faults too (emotional blackmail was used: no difficult stuff could be discussed, because he got depressed, and he made it clear that he would be crushed if he lost me), but I can't blame him: it was me and only me who stayed til the end, being dishonest to myself, and to him. 

It is very hard to live with someone depressed, and when you add alcoholism, you are deep in the shit. No one should blame themselves if they can't go on. It is not right to sacrifice your own life for someone else, you can't save them anyway. You can think about yourself first. Maybe we were a couple that shouldn't be, but it becomes more complicated if you think about it... without him, would I have stayed with my mother in the country, and as a member of narrow-minded cult? I was in dire straits both physically and mentally, so obviously because of my partner great liberation also came about, along with pain and conflict. I can't deny that. 

When I later converted to Buddhism, it came up as by itself, naturally, from within. Even though I first learnt the chant, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, through Tina Turner, I still use my own voice, if you get what I mean: There is something learned, but also something of my own, that I express out loud. Something universal as well as something personal. And it is my Buddha Nature I call forth, not Savior from Heaven. I was matured enough for Buddhism, just like I was finally mature for true love, and found the love of my life only in latter age. These two things seem to go hand in hand in my life.  

Introversion

I listened to Finnish podcast about extroverts and introverts. They interviewed a personality researcher, and it was mind-blowing! I have also taken a popular conception of introversion lying down, but reading comments on Facebook group for introverts, I have often thought, "I'm not that introverted!" I couldn't identify with the group of people who consider themselves introverts either. Often their ideas appear to be too simplified: "Because I'm an introvert, I'm like this, and can't do that..." In fact, it seems that being an introvert is similar to being Aquarius, and I do recognize a lot of typical characteristics of Aquarius in myself! Following thoughts are from the podcast... 

In the world of memes, introversion has become cool. There is a rise of introversion as a cultural backlash for hyping extroverts. Many people firmly believe that we are either introverts or extroverts. Modern research does not support this idea. Most of us are something in between. In the light of scientific personality psychology, extroversion/introversion is a dimension of features, and most people are placed somewhere in the middle. There are very few real introverts and extroverts, and categorizing  people in two groups does not correspond to scientifically based conception of personality psychology. People can not be dealt as categories, but as dimensions and their combinations. 

Even the original developer of these concepts, Carl Jung, did not think that people divide in two extreme ends. He wrote that most people are ambiverts, or something in between. Already in the 1960's it was noted that features of personality and behavior in individual situation don't interrelate very much. Larger proportion of variation (approximately 70%) in sociability and extroversion takes place within a person than between persons. Each one of us, regardless of our place in extroversion/introversion dimension, behaves constantly in everyday life in really extroverted and really introverted ways, and everything in between. 

Being energetic is already part of extroversion, one of its subfeatures. Do introverts get tired of socialization more than extroverts, that has been studied, and there is no evidence. All people may get tired of socialization to some extent, there are no differences between introverts and extroverts in the light of current knowledge. 

People may explain their social withdrawal by introversion, but results of extroverted behavior are the same for both, extroverts and introverts. There is a lot of good research about extroverted behavior making us happy, and it involves everyone. According to some researches, benefits for introverts may be even greater. 

Introvert and extrovert are no longer only scientific concepts, their meaning has broadened. If people use them to explain and understand themselves, that is a good thing. They have become social identities that people adopt to explain their behavior for themselves and for others. But if you lock your identity within these categories, you can miss out many things, you can evaluate the results of various action falsely. Features of our personality don't determine our behavior! Our behavior varies a lot according to situation. 

Well-known Myers-Briggs test has no scientific basis whatsoever. If people feel that combination of letters they receive, represents them, there's nothing wrong with that, but this test should not be used in recruiting, or anything like that, when it has real consequences for people. 

I have often determined that my spouse must be an ambivert, because in different situations he can be extremely extroverted or extremely introverted, but it looks like if he is that, then so am I. Last New Year one of his Facebook friends with their partner, whom we have briefly met, invited us at their home. But my spouse was bothered by the fact that we don't know them well enough. I understand completely. Problem is, how could we ever learn to know anyone well enough, if we don't give it a chance? We are rarely invited anywhere, because we don't know many people. 

I LOVE GAY SEX

That title most certainly caught your attention! The most popular posts in this blog are about sex, what else. So, let's write about sex. I republish this post after some more editing, or censuring; I wasn't ready for all the details I included in my first version. Still I must warn you, there is going to be explicit language and graphic content! This is not for prudes! This is an honest account - so honest it may make you embarrassed. I am a private person, but on the other hand I want to shake those images other people may have about me; they are most likely one-sided. 

I have always wanted to emphasize that I'm not a saint, nor willing or trying to be one. I can't stand those people with their halos too tight around their heads! It is because of Christianity, that we tend to make a sharp distinction between sexuality and spirituality. I also fell into that trap as I began my Spiritual journey in my 20's, but in my case it was Theosophy, with those old classical books of the late 19th and early 20th Centuries, which told that one must be purified to walk the Spiritual Path. That's how I got it, and of course it caused a great turmoil within my soul. Even more so, once I joined the Gnostic Mystery School, Lectorium Rosicrucianum, where the whole point was to rise above this world.

For long time sex and spirit were two separate threads to me, before they were harmoniously woven into the fabric of life - or were they, I don't know; at least they are no longer in conflict with each other. 

Just like spirituality is part of humanity in one way or another, so is sexuality, and obvious and essential part. Furthermore, love is love and sex is sex: they may go together or they don't. There is no rule.

 I may have attained something in terms of spirituality, but sexuality is still mostly a mystery to me waiting to be solved.

In his Red Book Carl Jung wrote:

 Man shall differentiate himself both from spirituality and sexuality. He shall call spirituality mother, and set her between Heaven and earth. He shall call sexuality Phallos, and set him between himself and earth. For the Mother and the Phallos are superhuman daimons that reveal the world of the Gods. They affect us more than the Gods since they are closely akin to our essence. If you do not differentiate yourselves from sexuality and from spirituality, and do not regard them as an essence both above and beyond you, you are delivered over to them as qualities of the Pleroma. Spirituality and sexuality are not your qualities, not things you possess and encompass. Rather, they possess and encompass you, since they are powerful daimons, manifestations of the Gods, and hence reach beyond you, existing in themselves. No man has a spirituality unto himself or a sexuality unto himself. Instead, he stands under the law of spirituality and of sexuality. Therefore no one escapes these daimons. You shall look upon them as daimons, and as a common task and danger, a common burden that life has laid upon you. Thus life, too, if for you a common task and danger, as are the Gods, and first and foremost terrible Abraxas. 

University of Metaphysics states as follows:

"Carl Jung, whom many believe was the greatest psychologist of the 20th century, thought that the lipido - something psychologists attributed solely to the sexual drive - was, in truth, the life force or urge to life itself. Mystics understand this urge to life itself as the urge to Universal Life, or God. As taught in schools of Tantric Yoga, this urge - at its highest level of human expression - can become a means to union with God or mystical enlightenment."

When I used to be Christian, I came to experience a connection between sexuality and spirituality, and not in a sense of "sin", but that of ecstasy and passion! Christian mystics had similar experiences. And think about the Song of Songs! 

Sangharakshita, a Buddhist teacher, sometimes accused of sexual misbehavior (plain fact that he had sexual relationships seems to be "misbehavior" for some), wrote - and I have to translate this passage from Finnish, the best I can, since I'm unable to find it online:

Man refuses to experience the sensations of the body, especially sensations related to sexuality. This refusal is often associated with a wrong kind of upbringing as a child. For example, I can see people who have been raised to the thought or such a vague feeling that the body is somehow shameful, or at least not as noble, as highly revered as the mind. In the same way some people have been instilled with such an idea, that sexual feelings are sinful. All these kinds of thoughts and feelings stem from Christianity. Even though we have certainly in many ways outgrown Christianity, or at least outgrown dogma of Christianity and control of the Church, these attitudes are very widely spread, and still cause a lot of damage. We can count as one of  Wilhelm Reich's great merits that he has studied all this area very thoroughly, and he has shown quite clearly how preventing child's pleasant physical sensations may lead to a grown man denounce all one's life force in a crippling way.

One of the five precepts of Buddhism is to abstain from "sexual misconduct". But Buddha's ethics is not  about commands to be observed blindly. It must be interpreted in individual freedom. There is no fixed category for right and wrong; it depends on the situation and circumstances at hand. It's all about consenting adults, who agree on things and are happy about the way they are. Of course there is nothing wrong about sexual expression in its variety, unless it hurts someone. 

Weird thing about sex is, that it is such a small aspect of humanity, and yet so dominant from time to time. When you are "horny", voice of reason is shut down, and you follow a basic instinct. In a Buddhist sense, there is no sin, but of course there is attachment along with a desire. 

Naturally, cultural norms may vary in Buddhist countries as well, but that's another story, and not to be confused with the religion. It should be noted, however, that there is no consensus among Buddhists over these matters, and that is precisely because the five precepts are nothing like ten commandments! It is so apparent that whenever Christians talk about morals, they always refer to sexuality above all, and seem to be quite obsessed with an issue! 

The longest I've been celibate, was three months after my former partner died, and obviously that means no masturbation either!
It was not the first time, and my experience is that it soon starts to run smoothly on its own. Once your mind is no longer constantly obsessed with sexual images, you feel so serene. Since I was not planning to stay that way for the rest of my life, and as I was already in love with someone new, while there was no need to force myself to celibate, I had to force myself to end it. It was so easy, almost natural, even if one must argue that celibacy in fact is NOT natural. Sex drive is natural. There was a point in my life when I thought I was on a gray area of asexuality, but today I can say I'm in fact a very sexual person - much more sexual than my partner. It may be a cause of frustration sometimes. 

Because of my history and my personality, I had my first sexual encounters only at the age of 26. First, there was this Japanese boy, Masaki, whom I had a crush on, and he seemed to respond to my feelings. We didn't have "normal" sex, but BDSM, and I was the submissive party. It was very, very pleasureful; he only needed to hint if we went to "play", and it was like electricity going through my body. However, it requires, to me at least, such a special chemistry, that I have never wanted to go there with anyone else. That relationship burnt out just as fast as it was lit; my feelings turned to hate, and I left without goodbyes. He didn't seem to get a hint, and I heard him denying there ever was anything between us. Everybody worshiped him, but I got so close I started to see through him: he was very two-faced person - charming face to face, and saying the meanest things behind your back. I suspect our relationship was a little unbalanced anyway. 

Under his influence, however, I also started to go to gay night club. If anything, I must thank him for the courage to  finally come to terms with my sexual orientation and taking first steps to come out. First I felt such a freedom in that atmosphere. It didn't take long until I got tired. Unfortunately, I was and I have always been completely hopeless with the art of flirtation. I don't even notice when it happens, and I can't do it myself. Only few men had guts to make a direct move on me. That's when I learnt I was good looking; I was bullied at School and my self-esteem was crushed for many years; I thought nobody could like me. 

Then I met my partner-to-be. The whole impulse for "hunting" men came from Masaki, who was constantly looking for girls (no, he was not gay - and unlike he liked to think, I came to conclusion he was not bi either!), and at that point I really wanted someone to push him aside from my life. It was not love at first sight, and I was torn within, because of my own inner contradictions. It was long and painful process. I had mixed and obscure motives. Maybe I grew to love my partner gradually, as I always used to say - or was it just an excuse to stay anyway - but even though he was cute, he was not exactly my type (neither was I his). At that time I really would have needed an active manly top man who knows what he's doing. He was top alright, but that's all. We did lose our virginity to one another, but I don't remember anything specific. I do remember better fooling around with some random dudes. 

Nevertheless, we ended up being together for nearly 19 years, til the day he died, and our sex life was never active. For the last years it was already dead... just like my love for him, I'm afraid. In the end I think I never was the one he thought I was, or maybe I just changed. It was not the love story of the century, even if we both wanted to believe that. 

In my 30's I had a kind of crisis and I cheated on him four times with two different guys within a month. The first guy was only 19 and very hot, but I couldn't fuck him; maybe it was a pressure of situation, or maybe it was a condom - I have never used one before or after (I have fucked two men so far - both of them several times during many years; I knew them and trusted them. I'm sorry, but I do prefer barebacking anytime!). The other one... well, it was getting too serious, so I decided I didn't want that. 

I kept it a secret for two years, which was not hard for me to do, until my partner cheated on me one night, and he couldn't keep it to himself; I didn't want him to think he was worse than me. I wanted to hear all the details, and it only aroused me. We were able to talk about it and it strengthened our relationship then. 

Years later we were talking about threesome, and one night he brought a cute Thai boy home. I like Asian boys, but I was not really excited about it at the time, because it was just too much of a surprise, and suddenly my partner seemed to lose his interest, leaving me with a boy. I blew him, only because he wanted to - not that I was very turned on. My problem exactly: to please others, no matter what  I want. Then my partner got jealous: he started to shout and smash the doors, the boy left, and yet it was him who started it in the first place. 

And then there was my partner's old friend... let's call him Jerry - not a Finnish name obviously. We were introduced at the same year I met my partner, and interaction between us was just awkward; if we were left alone in a room, we remained quiet. 

However, when the two of them were drunk, Jerry told my partner he would like to lick me all over,  and when I heard that, I got so aroused that since then it was my primary fantasy to be with him! He was very masculine, but he was also lying, cheating, stealing, picking a quarrel. Not a trustworthy person at all! Yet somehow I think that was a part of his attractiveness. He was a bad boy. 

Years and years went by. Once we were all three drinking and playing "truth or dare", I dared him to drop his pants and show himself all around. He did the same to me. My partner even said to me privately, that he might allow me to fuck him, but not vice versa. 

Then there was a time when I went to sauna with him (and in Finland we usually do it completely naked, you know), and my partner even encouraged him. He was just happy to see us getting along.  While sitting there I said to him, "Looks good"; such a short comment, and yet so meaningful.

One time my partner even asked him to taste my dick in front of him, and after short hesitation, he did. Just a taste.  

Once I was very drunk, and pulled his dick out and sucked it briefly, while two other gay men were watching and my partner was in a toilet. 

Finally, we had a big apartment in the center of the city, and we took him as our subtenant as he was homeless. I don't remember exactly how, but at some point I willingly and knowingly started to seduce him, and one time my partner was out, he invited me to his room. We were sitting on the couch side by side, and started kissing (he was a good kisser!). We ended up in 69. 

I would have liked to do it again, but he rejected me. Perhaps it was his guilty conscience. And since he was also a difficult person, always causing trouble and raising arguments with my partner, it was hard for me to deal with him and I came around. For my partner he was a guaranteed drinking companion, both of them being alcoholics, given that my partner would pay. They really deserved one another. 

After many years from our "incident", he was no longer living with us, when I started to chat with him online. One time he was with my partner at our balcony, using his phone, while I was inside with my computer. He even invited me to sauna with him, but cancelled that with obvious excuse. 

Then my partner died. (See "Through Death to Love".) 

Soon after that Jerry told me he was afraid he was going to be the next one. He refused to come to the funeral, using harsh words, and other people were more offended on my behalf than I was; I understood a kind of anger was his way of dealing with sorrow he couldn't handle in any other way. 

I moved to my own apartment with private sauna, and soon started to look for company online. Jerry offered to join me for sauna, and I even made sure he understood I wanted sex! But then all the sudden I fell in love. After I moved again (temporarily) to same town with my new boyfriend, one nigh Jerry called me - he had never done that before. He was drunk, obviously, and said he will love me forever! I was stunned, and could only mumble that I had always had feelings for him too. "Feelings" of lust, that is. Jerry was never actually even a friend to me, he was an object of desire. Even when he grew fatter and became "uglier" (he looked much older than me, and he was few years younger), I still wanted him. I must have been the last man who wanted him - too bad he didn't appreciate that fact enough. When my late partner grew fatter, I liked his appearance less and less, and I told him I always liked his personality anyway. There was nothing likable about Jerry's personality in the first place. 

We moved back to my old home town, and one night Jerry invited me to his place, and I drove as fast as I could before he would change his mind. Almost as soon as I entered his home, he grabbed me and we started kissing and caressing each other, and took off our clothes. I sucked him, and then he fucked me, I was moaning; he was only the second man ever to do that. That was on December 2017. It was very satisfying to me, but as always, he didn't want to do it again. I told my partner about it, and he was fine with it; Jerry even visited us soon afterwards. 

In 2019, few months after I had a heart surgery, he told on Facebook that he had had a heart attack. I didn't believe him. He had a history of lying about his health, seeking for attention. Once he told he had a cancer, and I made him to apologize that to me, before he could visit us again. In the beginning of 2020 he seemed to vanish from Facebook, and didn't answer my message. I began to suspect he might be dead. A mutual friend finally called civil registry, and it became official that he had passed away in January. Nobody knew that, so nobody has been to his funeral, which in a way is just fair if you think about his attitude when my late partner died. 

I have not shed a tear for him. In fact, speculations about his possible death were a cause of joking and laughter between me and our mutual friend (no disrespect), before it was confirmed. If you want to be mourned after you're gone, you must live in a manner that you will be missed. It's a custom to say only nice things about the deceased, but I really don't know what to say about him. The dead won't suddenly turn to angels. 

I'm surrounded by tragic destinies and lives ending too early. I almost feel guilt for my own life, but the world is not rotating around me. Each of us has a story of our own, even if they momentarily pass by one another. In this story there are two other stories included, but perspective is all mine. In its own weird way it is an obituary, even though someone might say it disparages the deceased. But doesn't it actually tell about me? It's not about their lives, but about my relationship to them. Now five years after my partner's death, I see our relationship from a better perspective, but it's no use to dig up dirt: what's done is done, and what's gone is gone - nothing can change it anymore. I love my present partner probably more than I ever loved my late partner - this time it was love before the first sight -  and we are genuinely happy together. 

What's the moral of the story, you might ask. Well, there isn't one. I'm not ashamed of myself.  I started this by stating that I'm not a saint, neither I'm a good person or a bad person: I am the whole human being. Vices and virtues always coexist, and neither are good or bad in themselves. I refuse to restrict myself to certain role expected by others. I want to better myself, and my relation to other people in particular, but being a monk is not required! 

I can count all the men with whom I've had any kind of sex during my life, even once, with the fingers of my two hands. So I could conclude that my "naughtiness scale" is extremely low. Not by my choice, though. In a way I wish I had been more "slutty" in my youth, but maybe I've been protected from (more) bad choices and harmful experiences. So, basically it is bold to tell you all this, and yet I have to admit it's not much. Now that I am down to earth spiritually, next I should expect to be liberated bodily.

It is my problem that I tend to think with my brain, not only with my dick. So there has to be a kind of mutual understanding, that we are on the same page, so to speak. As an introvert, I would find it very exhausting to meet always someone new, a complete stranger. I need to feel safe. That's why the idea of friends with benefits/fuck buddy is more appealing to me than casual sex with random guys.

I like many kinds of men, from young in their 20's to my age, thin and chubby, smooth and hairy, Caucasian, Asian, Black, bottom or versatile (like myself). Physical "perfection" is not my thing. I don't think there is anything personal about athletic model types - they could be made of plastic. 

 Neither is a big dick necessary to me - who wants to meet a dick? Once you have seen one dick pic, you have seen them all. Pleasant face is more important, and I like to see the pictures of full body, especially butt. Oral sex is just a foreplay to me, I enjoy a good fuck, giving or receiving, not to forget kissing and cuddling, not just humping all the way. I also like to rim, and I don't expect that done to me. 

See also:

Buddhism and Sex

Sexxxuality; Against the Stream; A Buddhist Manual for Spiritual Revolutionaries

LIFE JOURNEY

I turned 50 on February 2020. It didn't feel special at all. Sure, I used to dream of a big party once in a lifetime, but the fact is, I don't know that many people I would like to invite, and neither I actually enjoy myself in a large group of people.

 I had no crisis about my age. My life was already overturned few years back, when my former partner died (see previous post, Through Death to Love): I found new love, graduated for profession, finished driving school, bought a car, moved (temporarily) to small town... never has my life changed so much, and all this within a year!

It frequently happens that when a person with whom one was intimate dies, either one is oneself drawn into the death, so to speak, or else this burden has the opposite effect of a task to be fulfilled in real life. - Carl Jung

It is true what they say, that age is just a number, and you are only as old as you feel you are. But you only know that when you reach "that age". I don't feel old. You are not old as long as you can get excited about new things, like a teenager! When I was in my 20's, I thought aging really starts as you turn 30, and I don't want to live over 50, because I was afraid of old age. How stupid was that!

In my 20's I was old in my mind - and I also wanted to believe I was "more mature" than others of my age. I was very serious and rigid person; I even wore only a blazer and slacks. Among the years I have only grown younger, become more adaptive. Nowadays I wear jeans and a hoodie, and it's not because I try to look young, it's because I feel more relaxed. 

Experience of life does bring you more perspective to see things wider (not necessarily for all, unfortunately I have witnessed that too). In my youth my thinking was marked by absoluteness, which I guess is typical to that age.

What is youth? It is the inner strength not to stagnate or grow resistant to change, but to stay open to new possibilities. It is the power of the spirit that refuses to succumb to complacency and strives ever forward. - Daisaku Ikeda

Acrylic and water color painting I made,
on Easter 2019, just few days before my
heart surgery. It crystallizes my experience
of my former partner's death - how I felt like
my shell was broken, and I was drawn to the
Light. Symbolically, it can also relate to the
message of Easter, and afterwards I realized
it depicts my surgery as well. 

I haven't been an angel or a saint. I'm just a man with my faults and shortcomings. There is nothing wrong about being whole - to recognize and accept your shadow as well.
I don't feel remorse, grudge or bitterness, for anyone or anything.  It's all bygone. I would hardly change anything about my life. Certainly, with today's awareness, I would have done few things differently, especially enjoyed the bodily pleasures of life when I was young, instead of being so "spiritual", which was a pure fear of life. But I was totally different person back then, I could not do otherwise with the resources I had. And with different life I would be different person today, and I'm not sure if I liked that person. 

Today everything is better than it was when I was young: My life situation is stable, I have rewarding relationships, I'm much less insecure, and not at all so naive. What you might lose in physics, you gain in spirit.
Instead of desperately seeking for love from those around you - and by "love" I mean attention, appreciation, company, friendship, acceptance - you must learn to love yourself first! Then you don't need anyone,  but when you give and receive love, it's because you want to. It's healthy to care for yourself, and when you share your life with someone else, it's your choice. That's something I have learnt through experience. Maturing comes with self-knowledge.

Only recently I realized there are two features about me I can be proud of: I cannot literally harm a fly - news about animal abuse make me sick; and I can never say anything mean to another person, no matter how angry I might be. Today's hate speech is beyond my comprehension. These features are very deep in my nature. I can be selfish in so many ways, like all of us, so I'm not bragging obviously; It's just that I have seriously been pondering if there is some compassionate, authentic, and unaffected quality within me. And the answer, to my great joy, is yes. Call that Buddha Nature - it's within you, as well as transcending you. 

The most important moments in life are those, when you don't think about yourself; when you are really present for another person, listening to them, perhaps saying something good, or when you pet your cat or dog, giving them your full attention. 

Everything I have confronted, including hardships, was necessary: It has polished me the way I am, brought me to this day, which is the best time of my life. Every person gives meaning to their life by themselves, and if you see more than just coincidence in all its events, it fills your life with a sense of significance. 

Life has also shown that I am inwardly very strong. I see people staggering and falling around me, which is sad, but I just keep going and don't let anything discourage me! 

There have been occasions when I was kind of comforted by the idea of mortality. I was even planning for my own funeral for 20 years, and it was becoming extremely detailed; When my partner died, I destroyed my plans. It felt stupid. I was doing it for myself.
Maybe I was so dissatisfied with my life, as psychologist once said to me, that I saw beauty only in the end... but unlikely I actually wished it would end - it was really a distant thought, and "comfort" it gave me was more like indulging in a self-pity.
If I had killed myself at the age of 16, as I was planning to do, I would never have seen this day, when life is wonderful and I can't get enough of it! Is human being actually ever ready to let go, unless their existence is unbearable suffering for some reason? 

Only through experience I have learnt to understand life, and there is always more to experience, and we will never fully understand. 

I am happy. I don't want to die, but if I die, I die happy. It's better than bitter and cynical. Isn't it better to go in the middle of life? These last few years after newly found joy of living and love have been worth it. My outer life may have not been very rich of experiences, but my inner life certainly has! And in the end, that is all that matters. You can only "store up treasures in heaven", and that "last journey" is the ultimate adventure!
Happiness is not about big emotions and climaxes in life; it's not a goal, but a journey. Nothing to reach for. It simply IS, once you realize it... in small things, in ordinary life, here and now. Not outside, even with another person, but within you. 

A place for scattering the ashes
in my home town, Tampere, Finland.

If one stops evolving in spirit, you might as well die, because you have already died internally. Yet it is not the end of a journey: Birth and death are not extremities, they are just two points in continuum of eternity. Death is the greatest renewing force in life, as I have experienced as a loved one on this side of the veil. How much more it is so for the deceased themselves! 

My beliefs were not changed much after conversion to Buddhism, they were only strengthened. Energy won't die out, Life is eternal; only individual personality is not. (See my old post, Life after Death, about my old theosophical beliefs.)

My funeral one day will be conducted by the rite of The Christian Community anyway; Their ideas of death are kind of "Buddhist", or universal: Rebirth is one of them.

Sangharakshita explained (my own translation from Finnish back to English): Buddhism says it is irrelevant to ask, whether it is the same or different man who is reborn. The one who is reborn, is not the same or different man than the one who died. If you express the matter paradoxically, really strict orthodox Buddhist stand is, that there is rebirth, but there is no one to be reborn. This is why Buddhism avoids such concepts as Reincarnation. Incarnation is going to the body, Reincarnation is going to the body again. A word Reincarnation includes an idea, just like a passage I quoted from Bhagavad Gita (where Sri Krishna says, "What is Reincarnation? It is like changing clothes. Just like you get up in the morning, and decide to put on new clothes, so you throw away your old body and take on a new body."), that man has a tiny soul (or permanent ego), which comes and goes from body to body, but in itself remains immutable. A correct Buddhist term is punarbhava (punabhava in Pali), meaning "becoming something again" - not even "rebirth". 

When my partner died, and also another person I knew, who was younger than me, and I had a heart surgery last year (my partner had a same condition, and that other person had heart problems too; big difference is, that I am not an alcoholic!), a thought of mortality has really just crystallized to me.

Life is never so beautiful as when surrounded by death.

- Carl Jung

In my home town we have an official spot for scattering the ashes into the lake. I find that ideal: No grave, no stone; your remains return to the natural elements they were originally loaned from. Just like your memory will gradually fade away, and the world carries on like you never existed. There was a time I wanted to leave a legacy, to be remembered by something, but now I just want to be able to live with myself; I don't need to make an impression on anyone.

How long does a lifetime last? If one stops to consider, it is like a single night's lodging at a wayside inn. Should one forget that fact and seek some measure of worldly fame and profit? Though you may gain them, they will be mere prosperity in a dream, a delight scarcely to be prized. You would do better simply to leave such matters to the karma formed in your previous existences.
Once you awaken to the uncertainty and transience of this world, you will find endless examples confronting your eyes and filling your ears. Vanished like clouds of rain, the people of past ages have left nothing but their names. Fading away like dew, drifting far off like smoke, our friends of today too disappear from sight. Should you suppose that you alone can somehow remain forever like the clouds over Mount Mikasa?
The spring blossoms depart with the wind; maple leaves turn red in autumn showers. All are proof that no living thing can stay for long in this world. Therefore, the Lotus Sutra counsels us, "Nothing in this world is lasting or firm but all are like bubbles, foam, heat shimmer."
- Nichiren

Nichiren Buddhist: Identity, Death & Rebirth

Soka Humanism: The Difference between Rebirth and Reincarnation

Neo Polytheist: Buddhist beliefs regarding the Afterlife

Eventually, everyone we know now won't be known by anyone:

Through Death to Love

I'm writing this because my life was turned upside down during the year, and my English
speaking friends may have missed all that's happened to me. I'm not planning to write a
similar summary in Finnish, my native tongue; using language foreign to me, allows
greater perspective and sort of more objectivity on the matter at hand.
I don't really blog nowadays; I have better things to do, and especially since my blogs –
both in English and in Finnish – all concern different aspects of spirituality, and that is no
longer current in my life. I wouldn't say I'm completely materialistic; It's just that I rather
live my life than read and ponder on things of spiritual nature. We are both body and
Spirit, and to truly live is to live out of Spirit anyway. It doesn't necessarily show at all:
You just feel that you're ALIVE... because you LOVE!
As it can be seen in previous posts on this blog, I have been deep in the dark in recent
years. I came to consider myself a Luciferean, and I was very proud of my new selfawareness.
I'm not going into details of my world view, because it was short-lived. I even
started a new blog called ”Ministry of Infernal Affairs”, which I later deleted. My
approach to life was really pessimistic and gloomy. I thought my experiences with people
had made me disappointed and frustrated with all human race, and that's why I had lost
my faith in loving God. Later I understood it was all because of bad relationship I was
living in.

I was together with my partner almost for 18 years. He was an alcoholic – a fact that was
there to be seen since we first met; for long time I just didn't want to see it. And it got
worse because he had really bad health issues and underwent two operations – lungs and
heart – and after that he became depressed and started to gain weight too.
However, since the beginning of 2014 I had started to take steps forward in course of my
life; Financial matters got so bad that I had to do something, otherwise it was unbearable.
So I was hired for a cleaner – something I had done once before. I didn't have
professional education and was used to be unemployed. I actually liked that work, and it
was continued. In fall 2015 I applied for school to get a vocational examination in
cleaning. I was moving on, but my partner was stuck in his life and in a way holding me
back on some level. Of course there were so many times I was thinking: what's the point
with this; but it's easy to say it might be better to break up. In my foolish way I was
protecting him and sacrificed my happiness for his sake; I knew if I said it's over, he would be absolutely devastated. He still wanted to keep up an illusion that we had
everything all right. I was the one thing he could count on. I also tried to lie to myself and
rationalize ”love”, but I remember feeling more and more often angry at him, more than
anything else. During the last months he actually pointed out that I hadn't said I love him
for long time. I was left speachless. I never said that again.

On November 13th 2015 I got up early in that Friday morning to go to my current
training place as a cleaner. Just when I was leaving home, I suddenly became aware of
eerie silence. We slept in separate rooms, because he had sleeping difficulties. He had
artificial valve in his heart, and it was ticking loud like a clock. Afterwards I realised that
was precisely what was missing. I found him lying on his stomach on the floor by the
bed. I tryed to turn him over but he was too heavy, and I called local emergency number.
The Ambulance came and there was nothing they could do anymore. The Police officers
came, then the Hearse. It took long before the cause of death was clear, but it wasn't hard
to guess it was his heart that failed. It's paradoxical that he was afraid of dying, yet he
didn't take a good care of himself.
The next day I went to emergency room because I felt such an overwhelming anxiety. I
got pills for that and pills for sleeping, as well as time for debriefing, and that's all I
needed then. But mostly I'm grateful for those few people who actually came to meet me
and spent time with me. My faith in humanity was restored. I used to be very withdrawn
myself, now I began to open up.
Also I used to think the simple phrase ”I'm sorry for your loss” was an empty habit, now I
personally experienced the deep meaning behind that. What else is there to say. No magic
words can change anything. In my father's funeral many years ago I arrogantly observed
relatives who weeped and said ”he's in better place now”; it seemed to me they had not
internalised that knowledge. I was proud of myself because I stayed calm; however, we were not close with my father. How naive you can be before life will teach you a lesson. I thought I was so familiar with the death, and now I found myself before the Ultimate Mystery.

For two months I was unable to sleep without pills. For the first two weeks I hardly ate
anything; after that I only ate very little before my appetite was back. In two months I lost
about ten kilos. I was living in memories; everywhere I went I was reminded of him. I
only remembered him at his best, yet all the good memories were so distant in the past. It
was like I had lost him long time ago and something had already died before it actually
happened. Time was so relative anyway; when only two weeks had passed, it felt like
eternity and there were still two weeks to Funeral. I did things because ”he would have
liked it”. I visited places we used to live in. I slept with his childhood teddy bear that was
wearing his shirt. I might burst to tears suddenly while brushing my teeth.
Also some things at our home strangely fell few times during the first couple of weeks,
which for me was a sign of his presence in spirit. It was so hard to understand that
someone who was by your side for nearly 18 years, suddenly just disappeared from the
face of the Earth. I was on a sick leave only for one week and one day, and refused when
I was offered more; it was good for me to get out of home and do something that took my
mind elsewhere.

Every night I had a chat with him, and I would read to him (and to myself of course)
Theosophical books about life after death, and I also started to pray again – something I
hadn't done for long time. In this new situation I found that my ”Lucifereanism” could
not help me at all. There was a Church that we found together when we met in 1997. In
recent years I was alienated from it, like I was alienated from Christianity all together, but
my partner, Joakim, always felt it was right for him, although he never officially became
a member like me. It was only natural to turn to The Christian Community again and
respect his conviction. It was like Joakim was pulling me back to the Light.
Luckily his father was understanding and we actually became closer than ever before,
because me and Joakim never had civil union, so legally we were strangers to each other.
Joakim still spoke of it till the end, but in my mind I was thinking, I don't want to be a
spouse of an alcoholic. Actually I was reliefed I didn't have to deal with burocracy now.
On the Third day after his death, the first phase of the Funeral Rite took place at the
morgue of the Hospital. Yes I cried when I saw his lifeless corpse, but the words of the
Rite calmed me. I kissed his forehead, and even cut curls of his hair for relic when I was
alone. Only his father and I were attending this Service besides the Priest and her
assistant. Religious customs DO matter, I tell you!
Thanks to his father I chose the verse for obituary and decided many other things too, like
the music for the Funeral. Every step on this journey to walk with him was important to
me. I kept myself busy and gave away his stuff I couldn't keep or didn't need. Already
after debriefing which took place the very next week after his death, I felt that maybe it
was better for him that he got away, and maybe I still have life ahead.

The Funeral was on December. Everyone thought it was beautiful and uplifting, unlike
Lutheran Funeral Service. When he was cremated I carried the urn with his parents to the
family grave. Needless to say I cried. I feared for the Christmas holiday of two weeks, yet
I decided to spend holidays on my own, first Christmas alone ever. In spite of the harsh
facts, I felt surrounded by the atmosphere of peace. At Christmas night I got a ride to
Church, which used to be so important part of our Christmas celebration.
The last phace of the Funeral Rite of The Christian Community was the Memorial
Service on February 2016. Never had I paid so much attention to every word. As the
priest so well put it, Joakim could no longer evolve on this plane so he had to move on to
the other side; and he released me to walk my own path on this side. When the new
Church space of our Congregation was inaugurated, I gave a speech that made people cry,
and donated a Silver bell that used to belong to Joakim's grandfather; from now on its
ringing would open every Service.

On January the 15th 2016 I moved to new apartment from our old home, and it was a
turning point to me, the beginning of a new independent life. Still I built a memorial altar
for Joakim. I had to admit that I felt FREE. Sudden or not, but I was willing to meet men,
and I also told this on Facebook. However, a new relationship was not part of my plan at
this point. And then what happened: Facebook friend – the one I had noticed from time to
time and thought he was cute - sent me a flirty message. Soon we exchanged numbers
and started calling every night and talked for an hour or longer, and that went on for two
whole months, February and March. He lived in another town, 100 km away, and there
was a reason we couldn't meet sooner, but that's a private matter.
And I think it is good that we slowly learnt to know one another as a person before
meeting face to face – and before sex was involved. I soon had a big crush on him, and I
didn't want to meet other men for casual sex, even though there were opportunities for
that. Already during those two months we started to use a word ”Love”, and I certainly
don't use it lightly! With Joakim it took months before I said it, and our relationship was
quite stormy right from the beginning, due to my own inner conflicts back then. Since
then I have seen life and I'm more confident today. So I can only say it was not like this
with Joakim. I soon stopped talking to Joakim at nights (and praying too) – I finally said
goodbye and let him go - because I now talked to a living person. And it doesn't matter
that he's 21 years younger than I am: I was never one of those gay men who look for
younger men – it just happened unexpectedly. And I know many gay men at my age,
whose idea of relationship is not as mature as his. With him I am also different, better
person than before. Even though I did not plan to have a new relationship just yet, I did
make a list of things I require from a new man (not physical features!)... and none of that
applied to this person; a proof that you can't reason with your heart. In fact, I find many
similar personality traits between him, Alex, and Joakim – and I don't mean it in a bad
way: likes, humor, values... and even circumstances of life; they even studied the same
subject at the same school! Perhaps I have a ”type” I'm attracted to, it's just nothing
external – their appearance is completely the opposite.

We first met in the beginning of April 2016 when I travelled to Alex, and since that we
spent every weekend together usually at his home town, sometimes mine, sometimes
more than a weekend – two weeks at the most; before he came to my home I cleared
away the memorial altar; all the memorabilia is now in one single box.
In June we got engaged; also something I did with Joakim as late as TWO YEARS after
getting to know him. At some point we started to talk about me moving to Alex's home
town; he thought my town was too big for him, and he had moved so many times in last
two years. In June I also graduated as a professional cleaner. And I started as a student in
driving school; something that never had interested me before. I had a summer job, and
after that I would be free to move. I got apartment in his home town and finally moved in
September. Before that I went to place in forest by the lake, where Joakim and I got
engaged in 1999, and I buried there the ashes of our four beloved cats, along with the
curls of his hair I had preserved. We sometimes talked about death, and he said I would
probably cope with it better if he died first. I'm sure I have his blessing; he would only
want me to be happy.

We don't live together with Alex yet, but funny thing is we live in two apartment
buildings side by side. Only after I moved, I finally got my driver's license, and soon I
bought my first car. Right now I'm looking for a job. I'm feeling positive about all this. I
used to be very worried and cautious person, and what good ever came of that. From big
city to small town, it is a bold step, but sometimes you need to take a leap to the unknown
instead of something that is ”safe”. There is no better reason, no other reason, than
LOVE. I surrender myself to the flow of life; it has carried me for the last two years –
everything has worked out just fine, even at the darkest moment; I only need to trust,
never fear.
Much of my life I have been planning for my own Funeral – seriously – and religion has
been a huge part of my life. Now my newly found religious piety is gone again. I only
meditate, and I think I'm more ”spiritual” now that I don't try to be, when it's not words,
or ideas, or images: nothing I do – I just am. I think religion has been to me mostly a way
to escape from reality I didn't like. But if God is Love and Love is of God, that is all I
need. And as for the Funeral planning... Now I want to LIVE; only now I have started to
live. I had to face the death closer than ever and find new Love to realise that.
A year ago I read grief is going to ease after the first year, and it was hard to believe, and
a year seemed such a long time. But who would have guessed what a year this has been!
There's no question that this year 2016 has been THE YEAR of changes, like no other. It
has been my custom at the end of the year to meditate on things I have done or haven't
done and I am sorry for, and let it all go; it was always a long list, and mostly about
Joakim. I don't regret anything this year!

SEX, LOVE, MARRIAGE

Year after year, a brief summary of two books, titled "Tantric Sex for Gay Men", remains to be the most read post in this blog. I must say it bothers me in a way, because there are so many better and so much more meaningful articles here! But I guess those who find that particular writing interesting, might not be interested in other topics available?

Sex is a tricky thing. I'm willing to admit my relation to sex is very contradictory. I was twelve when I found pleasures of masturbation, and simultaneously realized I liked boys. I don't recall it was a huge crisis to me, though. When I got interested in Theosophy in my 20's, those old classics of the early 20th Century I read, seemed to suggest sexuality on the whole was something one must be "purified" from. At least that's how I got it back then, and it caused me guilt. I think Theosophy is very much influenced by Eastern "escpape-from-the-world" philosophy.
Today I rather understand that it is possible for man to evolve spiritually on the level where sexuality  is transformed - nothing will vanish - but you can't force yourself; it won't lead to progress but cause inhibition, which one day will burst out, like we have seen in the Catholic Church.

I don't think I came to this world provided very well for it, and my personality was formed difficult. Especially at younger age I was extremely naive and afraid of everything and everyone. That's how I got into spirituality in the first place: for me it was escape from the frightening world around me. No wonder I was soon drawn to gnostic movement - Lectorium Rosicrucianum - where the whole message was that this world is completely evil and we must rise away from it.
Being gay was for long time my own secret, and I certainly didn't act on it. In fact, I was bullied at school and made to believe I was ugly and nobody could like me. That and a simple fact I just didn't know how to interact with people. I had only one friend I knew from school.
When Lectorium Rosicrucianum taught that "pupil on the Path" must not practice homosexuality - which the founder of the movement, Dutch Jan van Rijckenborgh, called a "sin, abnormality, and sickness" - it was intellectually acceptable to me, and I was convinced I will live alone. But when I was 26, I spent two semesters at international boarding school in Finland - so called "Folk High School" - now defunct, and I met a Japanese boy few years younger than me. You might say I immadiately got crush on him. It was tormenting. When I didn't see him, I was hurt; when I saw him with others, I was hurt. Weird thing is, he seemed to response to my feelings.
There was a possibility offered for few people to go to get acquainted with another folk high school for one week, and because he was going, I arranged myself there as well, and finally there were only two of us. We shared the room, and really got close to each other. When we got back, he started to sleep in my single room - not in a same bed, though! We never had sex, that is, in traditional sense. Instead, we explored other area: S&M, as I was submissive one. It was intense, but also kind of distorting to our relationship.
He repeatedly said he "might be bisexual", but all he ever talked about were girls, and he chased many. Once there were foreign students visiting the school, and among them was a Swiss guy, who was apparently gay and didn't hide it - first one I ever met that I'm aware of - and of course he got interested in us, and in me, but that scared me.

Then we were visiting Helsinki - the capital of Finland, as you may or may not know - one night, and as my friend was willing, we went to gay club. It was first time for both of us, and I was especially excited: I felt free.  Later we had opportunity to actually live in Helsinki at foreign student's apartment while he was in England to see his girlfriend; we frequently used that opportunity during one month. My friend was usually staying at apartment - and sometimes I was alone altogether - as I went back to that club (and some other places as well) night after night. For the first time someone showed interest in me, I just played along, yet I wasn't even interested in him, and I left alone. It was very exciting to me. Next morning I felt remorse, even though nothing really happened. It didn't stop me next time, as I actually left with a man - a bit older than me - to his home. And nothing really happened then either, because he had drunk too much: he did do it to me by hand, however. And then I left. Next guy gave me a blow job, and he really "sucked" at it; it wasn't pleasing at all - it hurt. And he masturbated himself to climax; I didn't need to do anything. When it was my final night in Helsinki, I was already frustrated and had enough. All in all, I refused more than complied. And flirting was something I never knew how to do; I left initiative for others. But just to hear "you're really good looking" was good for my self-esteem and I needed that.
One weekend I was going to Helsinki for lecture by Lectorium Rosicrucianum, and the night before I spent in Tampere - without any idea where to stay at night -  and went to local gay club. This time handsome guy smiled at me, and I smiled back. We started talking, he made me laugh, and I felt very comfortable with him. He said I could come to his apartment over night without any obligation - and I know he really meant that. For the first time I made a move and wanted to please him too. Next morning I decided I'm not going to Helsinki; I rather stayed, and we got up in afternoon, had late breakfast, and went for shopping together. That was the beginning of a relationship, and we are still together - seventeen years later.

Strange thing is my feelings for that Japanese boy turned upside down - I actually started to hate him. I saw through him: everyone always liked him, and he knew how to manipulate people, but behind their backs he could say the most hateful things. There had long been rumours about me at the school, and we had made fun of it and put on a show. But since I actually came out, telling everyone openly that I had a boyfriend, his behaviour started to irritate me, and especially the fact he denied there ever was anything between us, which was simply untrue. He was ashamed of it. I just couldn't stand his presence anymore - I kicked him out of my room - yet he didn't seem to get a hint, and pushed himself in front when I was taking a photo, for example, and when someone asked if we were still friends, he said "of course!" I didn't say anything. In my book, we were not. A flame that was lit fast, also burnt out fast, and love turned to its opposite. Instead, with my partner we have slowly grown together, as I have told in older post - "Grown to Love". 

In our relationship sex has never been an issue; it's not what our commitment is about. Sex and love are two separate things. However, Osho brilliantly shows that sex is a kind of form of love too.
First, let me quote from my website: "Christianity adopted three terms related to love from ancient Greece. Agape means love as friendship and sharing. In letters of John, God is also called agape (1 John 4:8). See also: John 15:10. To love in social and moral sense. This form of love is totally selfless, and it won't change whether it is returned or not. It is love that serves others. Eros is passion of love, love that wants for oneself; it's based on strong romantic feelings towards another person. Philia is love as affection, love between friends; To love as a friend, to be fond of someone. It's based on friendship between two people, who share a mutual 'give-and-take' relationship."
Osho gives new meanings for these classical definitions:

"To me, these three words are very significant: sex, love, and prayer. Sex is reconciliation of your body with other bodies. Let me repeat: Sex is a reconciliation between your body and other bodies. That's why it is so satisfying, that's why it brings such a thrill to you, such excitement, such relaxation, such calm. But it is the lowest reconciliation. If you don't know any higher, then it's okay. But you are living in your house, not knowing that your house has many other rooms. You are living only in a dark cell, and you think this is all - and there are many beautiful rooms in your house. But you will remain a beggar, because you remain only in the body. The body is only your porch, the porch of the palace.
But sex brings joy because it is a reconciliation between two material bodies. Two bodies vibrate to one tune. There is song, a physical song. The poetry arises between the two energies of the bodies; they dance together hand in hand, they embrace each other, they are lost into each other. For a few moments there is ecstasy, then it disappears because bodies cannot melt into each other - they are too solid for that.
Then the second thing is love. Love is reconciliation between two minds, two psychological energies. Love is higher, deeper, greater. If you can love a person, by and by, you will see sex disappearing between you. Western people become very much afraid of that phenomenon. Every day some couple or other comes to me and they say 'What is happening to us? We have become more loving, but why is sex disappearing?' Because they have been taught that sex and love are synonymous. They are not. And they have been taught if you love the person more, then you will be more sexually involved with the person. Just the reverse is the true case. If you love the person more, sex will start disappearing, because you are getting a higher reconciliation. Who bothers for the lower? This is more satisfying, brings greater contentment, more lasting joy. 
And the third state of love energy is prayer. That is reconciliation between one's soul and the soul of existence. That is the highest reconciliation, there is none beyond. So when that happens, the so-called love also starts disappearing - just as when love happens sex starts disappearing. And I am not condemning sex - there is nothing wrong in it - it is perfectly beautiful, healthy in its own place; but when the higher energy comes, the lower starts disappearing. There is no need for it; its work is finished. It's like a child which has become grown-up in the mother's womb - nine months old - now he is ready to get out of the womb. Those nine months... beautiful. He will be grateful to his mother for his whole life; he cannot repay the debt. But now he is ready to get out of it. That womb cannot contain it any more; the child has begun to become bigger than the womb. Exactly like that it happens. If you really go deep into sex, a moment comes when your love is more than the sex can contain. Then you start overflowing, you start moving higher, and soon you are out of sex. One day again it happens. When love is too much, you start overflowing into prayer; and then love disappears." (I say unto you, Vol.1; Talks on the sayings of Jesus)

No one else has affirmed my own experience of sex and love as Osho in quote above. My idea of love may be very unromantic. It's not so much about feelings. Feelings come and go. Nothing firm can be built on that - only the castle on the cloud that the first storm will blow off. Of three qualities of man's soul - thinking, feeling, and willing - feeling is the most insecure and flickering. Love is more about decision: "This is the man I want to share my life with."

I have tried and found that celibacy - which of course excludes masturbation too - is actually quite easy to me, in fact, easier than being sexually active; I feel serene (Note: I'm not saying, this is how I live!*). Sex often tends to mess things up between people, and mess up their minds too. Even physically it is messy and exhausting. Masturbation with your own fantasies is often more fun, and it's over as soon as it is done. I'm on a gray area of asexuality. I can count men I have slept with, with fingers of my two hands. And I haven't have anal intercourse with anyone else but my partner - we were both first ones for one another.
At the same time I believe in all kinds of relationships - including open ones - as well as casual sex. As long as it happens between consenting adults. The act itself is not a sin; sin is in your heart, if you are abusing and harming another person.

*Update: Someone who read this writing, understood that I indeed do celibate today: NO, I DON'T! That's what I tryed to emphasize here.)

I have a straight male friend, over 40's, who is still a virgin, and would like to find a wife - who must be virgin too! In fact, once he told me that women who are not virgin anymore (yet available), are "used" and "tainted". I can never forget that. I couldn't comment. I was absolutely shocked to hear him say that; it was such a chauvinist thing to say.

I'm not telling this to him, but I'm always thinking, "Never gonna happen!" If only he was Christian believer in traditional sense, that could be within frames of possibility, but he's too much into esoterism, believing in reincarnation, among other things. So it's very unlikely he could have a chaste Christian virgin wife, who would approve of his beliefs. Besides, those people tend to rush to marry young, because they want to have sex which is forbidden outside of marriage. I think his only option is to go to Philippines or Thailand to search for a wife. It is different culture there. Maybe it wouldn't be love at first, but how is that different from the way it used to be, and how it still is in many cultures?

Fact is, in The Bible virginity was required from women, because they were possession of men that was traded, and the "goods" had to be intact. It concerned only women; you can't even tell if man is a virgin. There is nothing sacred about biblical marriage; it wasn't necessarily between two people only, not based on love, and partners were not equal. Even early Christianity taught that marriage was only  "necessary evil". Marriage was for long time a legal contract for aristocracy for planning for their possessions. Today half of marriages end with divorce anyway.

There is civil partnership for same-sex couples in Finland, and now there are demands for marriage equality too (which is already reality in other Nordic countries, and only a matter of time in Finland too!*). I support that, but I didn't always, because I made a same mistake many people still do - I confused two different things: legal contract and religious ceremony. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. For me it's all about protection for partners' rights in case something should happen to one of them - which of course is already provided in current system - but also about equal rights, including adoption; in fact, I don't care if it is called "marriage" or not, as long as there are exactly same legal rights! (However, wouldn't that be a little strange to call it something else then?)

Of course I admit that if you believe in Divine, you would certainly want to include that to your relationship as well, but such a blessing is not valid only if it is offered by some "official" institution through its professionals. In many countries civil union always takes place first - also in heterosexual marriage - and only afterwards it may be blessed by Church. You can do it yourself! Then it is personal.

*Update: Marriage equality was indeed approved, and the law will change in 2017. 

See also:

Monogamous Ever After? 10 Smart Things Gay Male Couples Can Teach Other Couples about Sexual Non-Monogamy. 

Peter Tatchell: Porn Can Be Good For You.

HELL

(Unless it is said otherwise, these ideas have been mostly gathered from Pekka Ervast!)

The least that can be said of hell by Kallistos Ware, English-born Orthodox Bishop: Hell exists as a possibility because free will exists. But because we trust in attraction of God's inexhaustible love, we dare to hope, no more than that, that in the end we'll discover there is nobody in hell. - "Love can't stand it. We must pray for all."

However, we understand that free choise between God's mercy and eternal damnation is logically impossible. It's not a question of freedom if there was no freedom from the very beginning. Man was not born voluntarily, he did not create the world and himself, nor this faith and this choice. So speaking of mercy from this point of view is mockery. If there was eternal damnation, every considering human being sees that everything is pointless. Because then such a horrible Satan would rule this humanity, that it would be shameful to adapt to demands of such an evil spirit in any way. Human dignity would say: "I'm rather in eternal damnation with those millions than in eternal bliss with those few people who can in their hearts and reason accept God who has made eternal damnation."
Man should let his conscience, reason and heart say: "Living God cannot be worse than man. Then it woudn't deserve God's name and it would be worthless to believe in."

God has always felt more pity and been more gentle than we ever have thought and been ourselves. All are equal after death; there is no difference between various religions and sects. In all old religions we find living faith, firstly, that man's life won't end in death. Secondly, this life after death is in many cases even great suffering and pain because of men's selfishness and evil. In early Christian times there was conception of seven heavens, seven different states of consciousness, that all belong to heavens; Three lowest ones were "unholy", also called hells. Origen was the most famous questioner of doctrine of hell. It was impossible for him to think that hell would be eternal, because then the will of Allmighty God to save all people would not come true. Besides, if anyone should go to eternal hell, Devil would partly win! He ended up thinking hell as a process to cure man to fit for heaven.

It is said there is eternal fire, but that's wrong translation. Greek word aionios doesn't mean never ending, but something lasting for some time, for an aeon, as long as our earth or our solar system will last.
When we say fire, we don't mean visible flame but some kind of so called chemical process which transforms objects and life forces. We know there are all kinds of chemical processes constantly going on. We must eat to survive, as if we put woods to fire. Our body is burning all the time. When we die, this chemical process is still going on and since it's not fed anymore, small particles will be transformed. Particles of the physical body vanish and we are united with the forces of nature. Therefore our body is already in aionic fire.

If I go to hell, the burning fire is in my soul. Fire in the spiritual world is a cleansing force. Only the pure gold is left - That which was good in man, no matter how small it might have been - and it becomes a cornerstone. A small seed will grow to huge tree.
After while souls move on, but fire stays: It burns for an aeon. Hell is first of all a state of soul. Hell, you see, is not eternal damnation, but rather the same as purgatory for Catholics. All people go to hell - either already here on earth or after death. Everyone has selfishness and evil, so how could a man go right up to heaven? Heaven would lose much of its attraction if all the faithfull forced their way up there with all their weaknesses and limitations. If John and Mary suddenly became angels, how much is there left of themselves?

Annie Besant points out how St. Gregory of Nyssa explained the parable of weeds (Mt.13:24-30) so that field is human heart in which good and bad are all mixed up during life, but in death a separation takes place: Bad is burnt and good is gathered in store, but both sides we must experience in life in order to grow internally.
Finnish Theosophist Väinö Valvanne wrote: "Everyone will be salted with fire" (Mk.9:49 NIV). Either he must purify himself by remorse or meditation, or the nature will do it against his will. Real love is fire which will burn out all worthless, but to him who denyes love and continues selfish life, it is a fire of devastation. Fire concerns all material, external; it won't effect on man's eternal essence, because it is as if a fire in itself. Fires of desires burn in the world, and as their counterbalance the fire of holiness - without them there would be no life.
"If salt loses its saltiness" (Mk.9:50 NIV), if soul has been like lifeless, when it lacks all independent activity - when it's neither hot nor cold - there is nothing in it that could resist death.

Hell is a disharmony of our spiritual essence with God. When we relate to all beautiful and good, spiritually healthy and pure, light and life, with disharmony, it will weigh us down to spiritual pain and misfortune. If man is committed to reality of senses so that he won't think of anything else, he may get stuck on physicality and be spiritually in hell. If there is love in your mind it will bring love to you life as well. That's the meaning of heaven. If there is fear in your mind it will bring fear to your life as well. That's the meaning of hell.

It may take rather long before the deceased will move away from that spiritual sphere which is connected to physical world. There comes a moment when they feel everything is indescribably dull and they'd like to work and be useful and good in some way. Then they will discover ahead something attractive and imperious. For some it may seem and feel like a fire and they know there is better life waiting behind that fire curtain. Purgatory attracts the deceased and heaven is behind it. Just because we don't really want to go to school, and we wish to enjoy our vices, just because of that it is hard after life, therefore there are so called hells or purgatories, whatever we wish to call them.

Pekka Ervast: Small Rosy Cross Catechism, translated by Marko

Seven Commandments of Jesus Christ

1. How many commandments did Jesus Christ give to his followers for guidance of life?
Two general ones and five detailed ones, seven commandments altogether.
2. Are these commandments as such in a sense of the law, a punishment being followed by its disobedience?
No. Law was until the Christ, but after him there is a gospel or the Good News.
3. What does it mean? It means that man is now a free being, who will decide by himself what he thinks is the truth and in what measure he wants to develope spiritually. Commandments of Jesus are not threats but promises. They don't say: You must or else; They say: Do this and you will discover the truth and be happy. They are advices for life, ideals Christ is showing us in inner illumination.
4. What is the first general advice for life?
God is the spirit and his kingdom is in us. The kingdom of God must be seeked first before all material values and he must be served in spirit and truth.
5. What does this mean?
That we must not "fear" any outer gods, because the only god man is to love and serve is the Father who makes himself known in man's own spirit, and knowledge of him is constantly growing and deepening. His kingdom is in us and we don't have spiritual knowledge of life until we have opened up the gates to his kingdom of truth in our own consciousness.
6. How can we get to know inner kingdom of God?
By seeking for truth with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind. Therefore Jesus says that even in the law it is the greatest and first commandment: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your mind. Few people then understood that "the Lord God" was to be seeked from man himself, but after the Good News of Christ everyone may freely know that kingdom of God is within.
7. What is the second general advice for life? Christ has expressed that by his following words: A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love on another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
8. Is this second advice in relation with a previous one?
If a man in inner awakening "sees God", he will also see that God, who is the spirit of love, makes him love his human brothers. And then if a man loves his brothers, this love irresistibly takes him to know God the Father. As Jesus says, in old law the second commandment "to love your neighbor as yourself" was equal to the first one and on these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. But love that was duty in the law, is the bliss of life in the gospel.
9. What for Jesus calls this second instruction a new one?
Because he wishes and wills that love with which a Christian loves his brothers is to be like love with which Jesus loved. And he says: By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.
10. Was the love of Jesus new in quality?
Yes. It was new in both its spirit and its form of expression, compared to love the Jewish usually had an idea of.
11. What was the love like Jesus wanted his disciples to love one another?
It appears and is expressed through five detailed commandments.
12. What is the first detailed commandment?
Do not get angry.
13. Does it include a new idea of love?
Yes. Jesus says: Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgement. But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgement: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the counsil: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
These words include a new idea of love, because God of the Jewish has denyed killing but Father of love denyes getting angry too.
14. Did Jesus make old denial of killing insignificant by his new commandment not to get angry?
No. Old commandment is included in the new one, because the follower of Christ must not get angry, he won't kill either.

15. What is second detailed commandment?
Be not impure even in your thoughts.
16. Does this include a new idea of love?
Yes. Jesus says: Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
17. Does Jesus make an old commandment insignificant?
No. Old commandment in included in the new one, because a Christian who musn't be impure in thoughts won't commit adultery. Christ's instuctions of life are more beautiful, finer, and therefore more moral than those of Moses, because they are the ideals of love. Jesus adds: It hath been said, whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
18. What is the third detailed commandment?
Don't swear, don't take an oath, but always speak true.
19. Does this include a new idea of love? Yes. Jesus says: Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths: But I say unto you, Swear not at all... But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
20. What is the point of this commandment?
Jesus denyes promising in regard to future. His follower remains in truth, is honest to oneself and to others, and will not bind with his words in regard to future if it is in his controll.
21. But is not for instance Marriage based on promises and words?
No. Marriage is based on action and is as natural as life.
22. Is taking an oath in the court denyed?
For true Christian taking an oath is useless, because he speaks true in any case.
23. Who is true Christian?
Only the one who in his life follows Jesus Christ, obeys his commandments and instructions.
24. What is the fourth detailed commandment? Do not resist the one who is evil.
25. Does this include a new idea of love?
Yes. Jesus says: Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you that ye resist no evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
26. Is the old commandment made insignificant by the new one?
Yes. The old one is based on revenge and justice, new one on forgiveness and love.
27. What is the fifth and last detailed commandment?
Love your enemies.
28. Does this include a new idea of love?
Yes. Jesus says: Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? Do not even the publicans so?
29. What is the point of the new commandment?
A Christian won't make war. Original word translated into "enemy", does not mean personal enemy to whom you must "do good", but political enemy, a stranger, member of another nation; he has to be loved.
30. Does Jesus Christ forbid making war?
He does, from all those who want to follow him and be his disciples.
31. Why has Christendom always been making war and churches have prayed in Christ's name each for the troops of its own country?
So called Christendom and so called Christian churches don't know Jesus Christ or his doctrine of life; they don't always follow it but deny it, at the same time denying their master and saviour.
32. Could the Finnish nation be Christian and follow Jesus? Wouldn't enemies then attack the country and destroy whole nation?
Finnish nation as a nation cannot be Christian unless every citizen is a Christian. Individuals as individuals follow Jesus Christ, and in the visible world nation is just a sum of its individuals. But if all the individuals of the nation would be Christian, then there were no more "enemies" which would attack the country.
33. In what commandment Jesus has united the five previous ones?
In the following: Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Faith and Knowledge

34. What is Faith?
Faith is a spiritual force dwelling in man's consciousness, it unites him with all-encompassing and everlasting spirit of life, or God.
35. Is Faith dependent on doctrines or dealing with some dogmas?
Not directly. Faith is not regarding some doctrine or dogma true, but it is inner conviction, knowledge and devotion to the Father of life. Many kinds of doctrines and dogmas may prevent awakening of Faith, unless a man can think and judge, although Faith once awakened is seeking and receiving help through thinking and the activity of intellect.
36. How is Faith awakened?
Faith will be awakened by itself, since it is a spiritual force.
37. What will cause this awakening?
Man's sincere seeking for truth, which does not happen only with all his mind and reason, but also with all his soul and heart.
38. Can Faith be defined more precisely?
Yes. Faith in God analyzed more precisely is Faith in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
39. What is Faith in the Father?
Faith in the Father is the actual and absolute content of Faith. It requires that man in his search for truth has reached a point where he doesn't see existence merely as material phenomenon, a senseless nature, caused by liveless laws of coinsidence, but he is positive that the visible universe is like a great body with God as its living and conscius soul. Faith in the Father also requires and includes that man is positive of the good will and love of the God of the universe for the world, and especially that God loves with unchanging and everlasting love each human soul. Faith in the Father is focused in the fact that God in his love wills to surrender to man and help him to gain the goal of his life and because of that, God is as if waiting at the door of man's soul and heart.
40. What is the meaning of life?
Jesus said: Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
41. Is this possible with a man?
Not with a man alone, but through the help of God for sure. Jesus Christ did not speak in vain.
42. What is Faith in the Son?

Faith in the Son is Faith that man's spirit is one with a spirit of God. That spirit within a man is called the Son of God or Christ, which he will attain in Faith. The secret spirit of man is the Son of God.
43. How is Jesus Christ in relation with this?
Jesus of Nasareth was a man in whom the Christ or the Son of God had developed in its full potential, so that the one who saw Jesus Christ, saw tha Father too.
44. Is Jesus Christ the Saviour of the world?
Yes he is, because he was the first among brethren who attained a full felationship with the Father.
45. Are we to believe in Jesus Christ?
Yes of course: We must surrender with full confidence to the leadership of Jesus. Our Christianity is in following Jesus who is for us the way, the truth, and the life, because he has let us known the Father.
46. Was Jesus God? No. Jesus was a man like us, but Christ was and is the Son of God in human spirit. And because Christ fulfilled Jesus completely, Jesus' deeds and words, his thoughts and feelings were deeds and words of the Son of God, thoughts and feelings of the Son of God. That's why Jesus didn't speak or act, but the Father God spoke and acted in him and through him.
47. Can anyone attain the same perfection as Christ?
Jesus said: Follow me and you will do even greater things than I have done, but a few people have yet dared to follow Jesus.
48. What is Faith in the Holy Spirit?
Faith in the Holy Spirit is Faith and trust in the spirit of truth, which enlivens the sincere and honest man who's seeking for the truth, power of truth. It is firm trust that the power of truthwill take a seeker to God. Faith in the Holy Spirit is Faith that the Father God will help man who first of all is seeking for the kingdom of God, so that he will find that kingdom. As Jesus said: Seek, and you will find. The Holy Spirit of truth helps our soul to find God by opening the gates to that heavenly kingdom of our spirit where Father is a ruler.
49. So will Faith begin from the Holy Spirit?
Yes. Our soul will first receive love of the truth and the Holy Spirit of seeking, and then it goes through the Son to the Father. It is true Christianity as Christ also said: God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
50. Does Jesus call himself the only begotten Son of God in these words?
Not at all. The only begotten Son of God is Christ in us, Christ in Jesus too. Jesus was a man.
51. What is eternal life?
Eternal life is life in God.
52. Will it begin after death or in so called resurrection?
Eternal life begins at the moment when a man in his spirit becomes aware of the presence of the Father, and feels and knows he is the Son of God. Eternal life is independent of time and lives in time as well as above time.
53. Does bodily resurrection exist?
Yes.
54. What is it?
Everyone who has not attained perfection, will rise again from the death, that is, he will be born or incarnated again on earth, in order to have another opportunity to search for God he has not found yet.
55. Will his old body rise from the death?
No. Old body has vanished into its original particles, but immortal spirit will wear again a material body which is a new one.
56. Is nobody eternally damned?
Nobody.
57. But the Christendom believes there is hell?
It was a mistake of the church in the middle age. When it condemned a dictrine of reincarnation as herecy, there was left only hell for those who didn't think dogmas of the church were true.
58. Does reincarnation belong to correct Faith?
No doctrine belongs to Faith, because Faith is a spiritual force and view. Faith is man's innermost and the most secret ability.
59. How is a Christian to regard the doctrines and dogmas, for example reincarnation?
He must consider them with his reason, heart, and moral sense, ponder and meditate them, and as the apostle says, study everything.
60. How will he know which doctrine is true, which is wrong?
The Holy Spirit of truth which is effective in him, will help him to avoid wrong and false doctrines, until he'll become the one who knows and who will see the truth by himself.
61. Can a man become the one who knows the truth? Doesn't he always need to have Faith?
Faith never disappears in man, because Faith is a moral force, spiritual life, which unites him with the Father God. But when he has attained the life of Faith, inner senses will awake in him, new soul qualities, that will open new unknown worlds to his exploring reason and thought. He has an opportunity to study step by step ever greater and deeper secrets of life and nature, and he no longer needs to regargd the doctrines or dogmas true, but he's able to explore and see what facts and truths there are behind the doctrines.
62. Church has always taught that man cannot know divine secrets but he's forced to believe in them.
Church is wrong, because the apostle says that the spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. But before his inner senses have been opened in man, he believes or more precisely, regards true what the seers and those who know are telling and have told about things of the invisible world.
63. If Faith always remains, which is higher: Faith or knowledge?
Faith and knowledge are not contradicted to each other. To think something is true, and knowledge, are opposites to each other, because when a man knows something, he no longer needs to think it's true. Faith instead is a moral force, which is not the opposite to knowledge, but the birth-giver to knowledge.
64. Is Faith the birth-giver to scientific knowledge, for instance?
Faith in the Holy Spirit of truth is, because all Faith was born out of trust that knowledge is attainable. And when Faith in the Holy Spirit of truth has grown to Faith in the Son and the Father, it will bring forth so called secret knowledge.

The Kingdom of God

65. What is the Kingdom of God?
Kingdom of God or heaven is the secret kingdom of our spirit where Father is a ruler. As invisible reality for mortal eye, it is the holy union or brotherhood of all those living creatures, men, angels, etc. who joyfully obey the will of the Father.
66. Where is the Kingdom of God?
Jesus said: The Kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'Here it is', or 'There it is,' because the Kingdom of God is within you.
67. Is it in each one of us?
In a way yes, but we are not in it.
68. How can we get into it?
Jesus said: "Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life." The gate of the Kingdom of God will be opened only for the one who is looking for it and who believes in the Holy Spirit and is helped by the Holy Spirit.
69. Are we to look for the Kingdom of God?
Yes, and as men there is nothing else we can do. There is the truth, the perfection, and the life in the kingdom of God. As men we cannot possibly be without these; as reasonable beings we miss the truth, as moral beings we miss perfection, and as spiritual beings we miss eternal life. Unless we look for God, we won't find peace anywhere.
70. What for the Kingdom of God is called the kingdom where the Father rules?
Because the will of God is the only ordering law that all obey.
71. What is the will of the Father? Will of the Father is truth and love. Jesus has described that in his commandments.
72. Is will of the Father always done?
It is in the Kingdom of heavens but not on earth as long as people don't want to obey it.
73. Isn't the Father ruling on earth?
Not directly. Jesus is teaching us to pray: "Your will be done on earth as it is in heavens." The purpose of his followers is to hasten the coming of the Kingdom of heavens in visible world too; therefore they pray: "Your Kingdom come."
74. Why does Jesus say, not one of sparrows is forgotten by God. Doesn't this mean that God's will is done on earth too?
It means exactly as it says, that Father allows everything to happen. Father won't resist suffering, nor evil. Father has given up a direct power over nature; he has also given up direct power over human life: Manifestations of his will in disguise are the fate and destiny, by which suffering is the teacher of men. But Father's own will is only done directly in the Kingdom of God (which is not local but idealistic reality).
75. Is there no suffering in the Kingdom of God?
No. The Kingdom of God is bliss and peace.
76. Is man released from suffering when entering the Kingdom of God?
Not immadiately, nor completely, until all people have received the Kingdom of God. Everyone has his destiny or his cross; but instead of complaining his destiny as before, he will carry his cross with joy and gratitude when he has entered the Kingdom of heavens. The cross prevents him to do Father's will fully freely, but at the same time it helps him to stay humble and patient and always to try.
77. What is the cross? Partly it is man's outward destiny in the world, partly his own weaknesses, faults and sins. They all must be carried with joy while following Jesus.
78. Will suffering decrease by the time?
It may either decrease or increase, depending on how much there is suffering in man's destiny as a consequence of his past lifes, and how much strength he's got to carry it. Spiritually strong man takes big burdens on him. But it is sure that personal suffering will one day end.
79. Personal? Does not suffering in general end?
When a man no longer suffers for his own sins, he will take sins of others upon him and suffer for others. But then his suffering is that of Christ, and the secret of that suffering is bliss.
80. When will the suffering in general end?
When the Kingdom of God has been realized on earth.
81. How will it be realized?
When men obey Jesus' instructions of life and live in spirit united with the Father, doing even the slightest hue of his will. When nobody's getting angry, lusting, lieing, being violent, making war, judging, imprisoning, stealing, killing - shortly, when evil no longer has power over men.
82. Will that time ever come?
Without doubt it will. One by one human souls through centuries will accomplish that.
83. Men are different: Others are very bad and undeveloped. Will they have time to change and be cured before the end of the world?
Time is long and life is hard school. But those who won't seize the moment may try in some other world. Jesus said: "In my Father's house are many rooms."
84. But didn't Jesus say that "few are chosen"?
He did, and by that he meant that in each moment of the world there are only few who seek and really find the Kingdom of God. Even though many are "invited" in their spirit to seek, not all have strenght enough to exert until they would get through the gate.
85. Were their efforts in vain?
No, because in next life their spriritual strenght is greater: perhaps then they will find!
86. Since the Kingdom of God will be once realized on earth, is it "God's plan" or "the plan of the aeons" for the benefit of the world and mankind?
Yes. Heavens and earth will be transformed anew, when the Kingdom of God will come in spirits and hearts of men. This "manifestation of the sons of God", as the apostle says, is expected by "the whole creation" with groaning.
87. When will it happen?
Father alone knows the time. But it will happen when the earth is threatened by death, and all those souls that are not accomplished, will be separated from the rest of humanity and transfered to another heavenly body; Left are those who are the citizens of the Kingdom of God or becoming that.
88. Is the purpose of life then accomplished? Is all finished now?
Far from that. Only the purpose of the earth is accomplished when it has been made the paradise of truth and love. Man's life is eternal. Everything he has overcome in wisdom and experience, strenght and love, it is for him to use in those new tasks and jobs waiting for him.
89. So is there always just work and work?
Work obviously, but always rest too. What would life be without work and something to do? Work is man's satisfaction, and love is his happiness. And rest is not like rest, unless it follows work and effort. This is spoken in the language of the mortals, because in eternal life work and rest are the one and only harmony, divided only in time.
90. In the Lord's Prayer Jesus tells us to pray for daily bread. Does bread belong to the coming of the Kingdom of God too?
Yes it does, because by bread it is not meant material bread, acquired by work. The bread mentioned in the prayer is the nourishment of our soul. We pray to the Father that everyday something would happen to remind us of who we are and what is the meaning of our lifes, in order not to sleep spiritually and be lazy.
91. It is also asked in the Prayer that Father would forgive us our sins. Does this mean he would exclude our suffering caused by our sins and crimes? No. That is not the way Father forgives us. Our suffering, our cross we must carry. Prayer is said from our perspective, when we are already aware of the Father, we pray that our relationship with the Father would not be broken. How could it be broken? When we don't forgive others. Therefore the prayer goes: "Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us." It is required that we forgive. Then we may expect for Father in his love to turn his face towards us, and we may forget how weak, imperfect and sinful we are.
92. The prayer also asks: "Do not lead us into temptation." Will Father lead us into temptation?
No. Better wording would be: "Do not let us fall into temptation." That's how French church has understood the sentence. Father is the one who helps us to overcome themptations and delivers us from evil.
93. What is a prayer? Do we always need to use the words of the Lord's Prayer?
Prayer is not in the words, but in focus of the mind and mood of the soul. Prayer is spiritual effort. Prayer is the will for the truth, perfection and eternal life. Prayer is not for asking temporal and earthly things for yourself, but it is the yearning of the soul to God. Prayer is spriritual associating with the Father. Prayer is a mystery.

Worship and Sacraments

94. What is the worship of the Christian?
Christian worship is all our aware and conscious life in Faith, which will grow, widen and deepen by our progress in Faith and secret knowledge; It is outward if it is expressed in our words and deeds in visible world among men, and it is inward or secret if it is just communication with the Father in spirit, or otherwise taking place in invisible world.
95. What is the outer worship?
There are two kinds of outer worship: general and particular.
96. What is the general one?
General, outer worship is the Faith enlivening us in all our earthly action; in work and relaxation, in duties and bearing pain and suffering determined by destiny, in associating with people, in helping them or animals, or other nature, and receiving help; shortly, carrieng our cross and sprinkling the roses of good deeds on the way, both everyday and in special occations.
97. What is the particular outer worship? There are also two kinds of that: public and private.
98. What is the public one?
A particular, outer worship in its public form is all actual propaganda for spreading the Faith and knowledge of the Kingdom of God, in speaches and lectures, letters and writings, by literal, artistic, and scientific means, in raising the children and youth etc.
99. Faithfull Christians have mostly condemned arts, music, singing, dancing, visual arts, plays, as well as poetry and literature for being "ungodly" and against Faith. Have they mistaken?
Yes. They haven't known what is Faith. Art is divine in itself, and unless it's used for low purposes, its effect on human soul is uplifting. To be actually worship it obviously has to be created by someone who's seeking for the truth, while it is inspired by the Holy Spirit.
100. Who will particularly worship God with art, creaters and performers or the enjoying audience?
Both, but first of all those who have accomplished the work or accomplishing while performing, because they are the "priests" and the "priestesses" of the Art. Their Faith and enthusiasm, their abilities and love awakens in watchers, listeners, readers same feelings and thoughts that enliven themselves. Therefore their work, if they are the children of the Kingdom of God, or aspiring for that, may be great propaganda for Faith and knowledge. And for the heroes of Faith all arts and sciences are natural forms of expression, for each according to his ability.
101. So is all art servant of Faith? Isn't art in itself sacred? Isn't this lowering the worth of art?
No, because what is the sacred art in itself? Art is not art, unless it serves the beauty. But beauty cannot be without truth, so true art serves the truth. And life of Faith is in the truth. All great art has always served God.
102. What is the private worship?
A particular outer worship in its private form are the meetings held by true Christians partly by speach and discussion, partly by special ceremonies, by sacramental acts, to strenghten or to enlighten one another.
103. What are the sacramental acts? Sacramental acts or sacraments are in this case symbolic acts, representing inner mysteries.
104. What are they?
There are two of them according to the gospels: Babtism and the Holy Communion.
105. What is the Baptism? Baptism is symbolic act reminding recently converted or awakened brother and impressing in his memory that he has now entered the road of seeker for the truth, and the Holy Spirit will guide and inspire his steps, unless he himself loses connection with it.
106. Can children be baptised?
In case a child is awakened and asks for it - otherwise not.
107. What is the Holy Communion?
Holy Communion is symbolic act which reminds the baptised seeker for the truth and a Christian, that the Kingdom of God has come close and those who have entered the gates will live in constant love to one another.
108. Are sacraments only symbolic? Don't they as sacred acts have uplifting and purifying effect on the soul of faithfull Christian?
Yes they do, because there is so called magic in all sacred ceremonies, but their effect is mostly dependent on performers and participators. Therefore they cannot be public acts.
109. Do not sacraments have other meaning than ceremonial?
Yes indeed. Both sacraments have besides the symbolic or ceremonial, also public and secret meaning.
110. What is the public meaning?
Public meaning of the sacrament is that it raises often repeated human act to holy symbol or sacrament.
111. How is that?
Everytime man washes up, he can turn this act to sacrament by remembering that just as water purifies his physical body, so will the Holy Spirit of truth purify his thoughts, feelings, and deeds. And everytime man eats, he can turn this physical act to sacrament by remembering that just as the divine life in nature sacrifices oneself to maintain his temporal existence, so the divine life in him wants to serve in love the spiritual upliftment of all living creatures.
112. What is the secret meaning of the sacrament?
The sacrament in its secret meaning is a spiritual event met by a true Christian on the way of inner life.
113. What then is the baptism?
Baptised in a secret meaning becomes the seeker for the truth inspired by the Holy Spirit, when the Father will acknowledge him as his son, just as the Father ackowledged Jesus as his son at Jordan.
114. John baptised Jesus. Is the same going to happen to the seeker for the truth?
Not outwardly. Baptism is secret event taking place in invisible world as if an acknowledgement by Father for the Christian seeking for the truth with all his soul and heart, and with sincere devotion, living according to Jesus' commandments and instructions. But after the baptism man is a member or child in the Kingdom of God.
115. What about the Holy Communion?
In secret meaning in the Holy Communion partakes the Father's son or child of the Kingdom of God, who as a saviour in his own world may redeem his past incarnations, to be able to enter among men as the one who knows, and as a helper, who's got the keys to the Kingdom of heaven in his hand.
116. This is hard to understand?
It is a mystery which is understood only by experience. And that takes place in invisible world too.
117. Is there a church or congregation which serves God and offers sacraments this way?
They are practised in the temple of the Fraternity of the Rosy Cross.
118. Where are these temples? Only in invisible spiritual world, at least so far.
119. Will they be founded in the visible world? It depends on times and people. Elder Brothers are forced to stay in secret and work in the higher levels.
120. Are these "Elder Brothers" spiritual beings?
Others have left physical body, but others live in a body like us. Brotherhood has members among both, "the living" and "the dead."
121. Where are those Rosy Cross brothers?
Here and there around the world.
122. Is it possible to meet them?
Yes, but nobody knows them, if one is not a member of the Brotherhood oneself.
123. Are all the Rosy Cross brothers members or children of the Kingdom of God?
Yes they are.
124. Is the Rosy Cross Brotherhood same as the White Brotherhood of Theosophical books? Yes, though there seems to be also wrong views about the White Brotherhood and what it is. White Brotherhood follows the trails of Christ without getting directly involved with politics of the world, and without accepting violent means for "upliftment" of humanity and "liberation" of nations.