Meetings with Death

Collage made by me: it depicts how humans have
always meditated on death. Harmony of colors 
pleases my eye.  

In my post, Life Journey, in 2020 I stated that "my funeral one day will be conducted by the rite of The Christian Community anyway", even though I had been Buddhist for two years. But already in 2021 I began to change my mind. In any other context I would eliminate excessive Christian material and references to God. So, it started to bother me more and more that my own conviction wouldn't show, or the "latest version" of me as a result of long evolution, but something that belongs to my past, no matter how nostalgic it is to me, and the funeral rite of The Christian Community is indeed very beautiful: "May Christ be in you... may the light of the land of spirit shine upon you" - these are the only phrases I remember, because they touched me deeply. It is uplifting rather than letting one down (or resurrecting rather than leaving one in the ground). From light you have come, and to light you shall return. 

Whatever is your conviction or how strong it is, above all you are still small and weak human before great questions. And whatever life will bring forth, one day it will end anyway: that is a thought that should put things into right perspective. The death of a loved one strips you bare. So many have gone before me, that I have never feared death less than now. It's unthinkable to me that anything bad would await. 

Importance of Life

Nobody can complete you; you must become whole. Coupling and reproduction are not the meaning of life - except for evolutionary biological point of view. I find it strange that certain religions make it such a big deal; they should be more concerned about spirituality of an individual. Buddhism is a refreshing exception with respect to this as well. Life of an individual always has a meaning, and that meaning is individual. Meaning of life is to LIVE - a life of your own. As 20-something I might have explained about great cosmic purpose of mankind, as I had read from theosophical books, but that is a wrong answer: it has nothing to do with you, right here, right now. 

Nevertheless, I am grateful for my husband. Along these years I have come to notice how similar people we are in essence, and I think that is our secret. The opposites only attract for a while; I have seen that. 

I have only few friends: quality over quantity. Friends have come and gone, and interaction has morphed. The only permanent thing is change. 

I have never been further abroad than in our neighboring country, Sweden. I have never been on airplane. I don't even long for elsewhere. I have rarely left my home town. I have everything I need here. It is a dream come true, as I was raised in a small village in country side. The world is so small today that you don't need to leave home. Your mind will expand, if you are open for it. I'm more inclined towards comfort and safety than adventures and travels, and I appreciate peace and quiet. 

In "Devadatta" chapter of the Lotus Sutra, Shakyamuni Buddha reveals that his cousin and brother-in-law, Devadatta, who tried to kill him several times and take over Buddhist community, was in fact his teacher in previous existence, and in future he too shall become Buddha. For me this narrative primarily tells about importance of this life, and that I do matter just as I am. People always matter: nobody can see everything, all connections and consequences, not even in their own life, let alone in lives of others. Evolution is not always straightforward. Sometimes it goes winding byways, even in one lifetime. Through trials and errors you learn best. Likewise, Nichiren in his letters reminds of the words of Shakyamuni Buddha, that it is very rare and lucky to be born human. You don't need to take it too metaphysically: just that this life is deeply meaningful. 

Zeena Schreck has said: "No doubt, humans will do a lot of damage before we ultimately destroy ourselves. But life will continue without humans. New forms of intelligence will emerge long after this human experiment is over." I agree. And it is not depressing. It's a beautiful and comforting thought in its own peculiar way. In summer nights when you lie down outside staring at the starry sky, it can be extremely thrilling: you feel like an insignificant dust particle in enormous scale of the universe, and you might even fear of disappearing into the infinity. But is it so fearsome after all? One time I visited planetarium, and heard a commentary that we live in "violent and hostile" universe. I wouldn't describe natural conditions and processes like that. We are not just dust... but rather stardust.  

I already know two people who died younger than me, and as a heart patient myself, a thought about death has truly crystallized to me. I have learnt that I will die too. Self-evident fact, you might think, yet so distant and unfamiliar for most of us. It won't prevent me from living, but rather enhances the significance of life. Next I would like to delve deeply into death, as I have met with it: every time was different, but every time was a blessing in disguise.  

I remember as a child I used to ponder what it feels like, when you no longer exist. I scared my friend to tears by insisting that everybody must die, including her mother. At very young age I started to read books about parapsychology, and already at elementary school I wrote an essay, how I'm not afraid of death because I believe that human soul continues living in spirit world. (I was a little embarrassed that I revealed something so personal!) 

When my grandmother died, I was happy I had a valid excuse why I couldn't go to funeral. I guess I felt like people don't understand that she's not really gone. And guess what: she started haunting at my aunt's house where she had lived - many people witnessed footsteps and sighs in the middle of the night. It ended when my aunt asked her to leave. I went to funeral few years later when my cousin committed suicide, even though he was much older and we were never close. Yet that mournful atmosphere was compelling. 

A Sacred Moment

In early 1999 I got a phone call. My father was hospitalized: he had cancer and was only on pain medication; he was in bad condition and couldn't even speak anymore. No idea how many days were left. I felt empty. It kind of hurt me that it didn't hurt me. Last time I saw my father three years back, and we never really talked about anything. He was my father only biologically. I could not lose something I never had in the first place. I spoke with a priest on a phone, and got some good advice; I felt this was a sacred privilege bestowed upon me, and it was my humane obligation to take it.  I borrowed the money and traveled the very next day, empowered after the Mass of my church, The Christian Community (I actually joined the church only later in the end of that year). I hardly recognized my father - he was only a shadow of his former self, but I was prepared for that, so I wasn't too shocked. I told him I bear no ill will and I'm happy... that I'm grateful I still got to see him, that I had been thinking about him and prayed for him. I read him the psalm 23, and I could ever swear his breathing became easier. Then I prayed the Lord's Prayer aloud. Finally, I just stroked his hair and said, "go in peace, when it's time", giving a kiss on his forehead. At least I imagined he reacted like he was moved. 

I felt good. It was beautiful, a sacred moment, like a flash of eternity in time, and just like that, one of a kind, I wanted to carry it with me. I didn't say much, but it was necessary and straight from the heart, not for my sake but for him. The following night my father peacefully passed away. I was thankful thinking that he only waited for me. Again and again I saw in my mind when I said "go in peace" and gave him a kiss. If I had gone there crying how awful it is, it wouldn't have been such harmonious and unitive experience. Hardly anyone could understand that ineffable peace prevailing in my heart. In that brief moment I felt I got such a deep connection to my father, that in a way it kind of voided all those lost years in between. If I cried, I cried for joy. 

Relatives on my father's side, whom I actually didn't know at all, were fussing around. It seemed to me people automatically expect their ossified ways of thinking are universal and apply to everyone. It was obvious for me to respect their grief, but who would have respected my feelings? Probably I would have been misunderstood and considered cold and heartless person for not grieving my father! 

I was not prepared for everything that followed, running around bureaus, taking care of official matters. Everyone said I am the closest relative, and it is my decision; juridically closest, not spiritually, and what was I able to decide? What kind of tombstone there will be, and some people had a nerve to complain about that too: I chose one that reminded me of my father, a simple black stone, with white birch tree. But allegedly it was a problem that it had no cross on it. As if his eternal bliss depended on some stone on earth! It seemed to me people repeat phrases like "now he's in peace", but they haven't digested them themselves. Instead, all this proved to me how firm foundation I had in my worldview, and it worked out in the real world. 

As soon as I got off the bus in my home town, I felt like I was able to breathe freely. I had hardly slept in three nights, but at home I slept peacefully and I was not bothered, as I got distance to center of things. I spoke about my father's death with several people. I started to read the Gospel of John for him, walking by him in spirit. On the funeral day I was afraid I might be carried away with other people's outbursts of feelings, as if violently pushed out of my place, but that didn't happen: while others were sobbing around, I was calm, surprising even myself. At the same time there was the Mass in my congregation, so I figured I was empowered through invisible ways, by the wings of angels. 

Everything was well organised, but I wasn't asked about anything. The Memorial Service was offered by "Association of Peace" of Conservative Laestadians. My father's parents and siblings were members, but he converted back to his childhood faith only when facing death. Thank God! I mean I'm thankful for not being raised within that belief system. It was another problem, that as a child I was afraid of my father; he drank a lot and was often violent towards my mother. Luckily he lived with us for few years only, and was mostly absent from my life. 

Now I let their typical jargon go in one ear and out the other: "You, who still haven't found this only true faith, here it is offered." I just wasn't too happy when a complete stranger came to me weeping, and told I should go to Association of Peace in my home town because... "your father surely would have hoped that you too will be saved!" So I should walk ready made path and not listen to my heart? Honoring the dead has its limits: I can't continue his life, I have life of my own. 

Me 3 y.o.

My father

My father's material inheritance proved to be blessing in many ways, but I don't go to that. In peculiar way I learnt to know my father better and understand him after his death, when I went through his papers - at the same time I learnt to understand myself better and sought help for my own issues. I found some photos of him as a young man I had never seen before, and it was apparent from whom I had inherited my look. Likewise, I found earliest photos of myself, at the age of three. After his death I also started volunteer work at the hospice for many years. 

Uncanny Connection of Fate

During the following 16 years, I had a sad privilege to accompany four beloved cats in turn on their final journey over the rainbow bridge. Each one of them had a proper Christian memorial service I composed of various sources. 

Our 4 beloved cats, art by me (Paint)

Yet nothing prepared me for the sudden death of my partner in 2015; before that I knew absolutely nothing about facing the death. That story is told in my post, "Through Death to Love" (unlike I say in the beginning, I later did write a similar post in Finnish! Usually it is the other way around, first Finnish, then English). 

I on the right and my late partner

In my post in 2019 I mentioned I will blog about my heart surgery, "hopefully in near future". I never did. But now this is where it is appropriate for. My condition was accidentally found mild in 2013, when I went to see a doctor for another issue. It was exactly the same valvular defect my partner had! Next check was in 2016, and it was medium severe. Again, a couple of years went by, and cardiologist told me what I didn't want to hear: it was of difficult degree, and if I don't consent to surgery, chamber will be damaged sooner or later, and it leads to death. The death of my partner was obviously haunting in back of my mind, but I was not him: he already had had a lung surgery previously, he got depressed and kept asking, "why always me?" He drank more and more - what you should not do - didn't go to weekly medicine controls, didn't go to dentist but took pain killers (oral health is essential!), and he started to avoid all stress so that he hardly moved anymore, and gained a lot of weight. It shouldn't have been surprise that his heart finally failed. 

I immediately quit random smoking when I heard the news. Drinking has never been an issue for me. In back of my mind I was aware I might die, but I had better preconditions to survive than my partner ever had. And possibility of death is always present, it is just a natural part of life! Yet I was kind of surprised when a surgeon said this is one of the biggest operations one can have (open heart surgery, where your heart is paused - for 2,5 hours that was!), and there is a possibility to perish during or after. I guess I "knew" it but didn't actually realize it before. However, I'm grateful it was said straightforward. I understand why people I knew kept saying, "it will go well, they know what they are doing." But I don't think it was fully realistic, no matter how well-meaning it was. 

Same defect was very uncanny connection of fate, but it was karma which brought us together in the first place. You might even say we were one at heart (and equally broken). His death was to me initiation of spirit, Baptism of mental agony and tears, that pushed me forward by giant leap. This was to be initiation of body, Baptism of physical pain and blood I might need to grow further, facing my own fragility and mortality. Couple of hours before the year 2019 began, I did my Buddhist practice, and what enormous empowerment, gratefulness and trust I felt, knowing what trials would come. The Christian Community was kind of shared find for me and my partner then, now I would face this with something of my own. It's not "why me?", but rather "why not me too", just like anyone else. There are always worse illnesses and greater sufferings. If it was karma that brought us together, here I see it discharging: my fate goes different direction. You shape your destiny, and it's up to your attitude. My positive attitude was very crucial, that can't be emphasized too much! 

My operation was on April 30th 2019. For couple of months before that in my daily Gongyo, I dedicated my practice for successful operation and full recovery. I also sent reiki to myself for operation and convalescence. For two weeks before surgery, every night I burnt Spikenard oil in aroma lamp. It is calming, but because Jesus was anointed with it for death, I used it for preparation as well. I wasn't going to die, but I could not be sure. 

Sometimes I felt like some vague presentiment was trying to break out of darkness of subconsciousness, and just a hunch was so frightening, so oppressive, that I quickly turned it down and suppressed it, because I didn't want to know anything about it. Probably it was nothing rational anyway, but something primitive. Weird thing is, I first felt like that years before surgery, and it was triggered by religious symbol I saw online. In my conscious mind I wasn't too nervous before surgery, but I could feel distress in my body.

Four months sick leave totally. I just have to say I'm happy we have universal health care and good social security in Finland. All costs were reasonable, and I could manage them. Today everything is fine, my heart is in good shape, I'm well. I eat healthier than before, and exorcise regularly. Life is good!

Thank you, sorry and goodbye!

My mother

Then my mother died in 2021. She was hospitalized in September. I was used to her having these periods for few days, and lately they seemed to have increased, but this time it prolonged for three weeks. Treatment finally started to be effective, a doctor told me on a phone, but the very next morning I was called that she was found lifeless in her bed. It was a surprise even for a doctor. I was ashamed I never visited her in the hospital: one should never think there is still time. After work I went to the chapel, where her body was laid out for me. First and last I chanted Daimoku [explained further below] three times with gassho 🙏 and bow. I told her, "thank you, sorry and goodbye, dear mother", and words I quoted earlier, "May Christ be in you; May the light of the land of Spirit shine upon you." I meditated for half an hour before her body, looking at her lifeless face, and kissed her cold forehead. 

I strongly recommend that everyone should at least see their deceased loved one. It's just as natural as a new born baby, and a healthy reminder. Form was empty: a flame enlivening it was gone - not extinguished, just gone. It was almost hard to recognize her - because it was not her! It was no longer somebody, but something that was used by somebody before. It's not fear you feel before the ultimate questions, but deep respect before the Majesty of Life (and Death). Why fear something that comes to all of us, just as naturally as we were born into this world. We are all equal in death, all cross the threshold equally alone. Death won't segregate, and I don't think we are divided in different places or treated differently. Many of us may have definite thoughts of what will happen, but the fact is that nobody really knows, and it's stupid arrogance if you can't acknowledge this! 

I only cried on the first day, but I found it positive that it hurt more than I expected. I felt like my roots were torn off. After that, awareness moved from feelings to thinking, and all concerns caused by this. I'm always worried and always everything goes just fine. Now it was only momentary feeling that the Veil between two worlds was thinner, which was very strong after my partner died, but the difference was that then I actively reached out for him. This was expected, even if it got me by surprise. It's only natural that children bury their parents. This death didn't stop me, shock me or change my life. It was just part of life. 

I never had a relationship with my father, but his family helped organizing the funeral, and he had lot of savings to cover the expenses, and more. With my partner we had not formalized our relationship: his father mainly took care of things and paid everything. But I got to make decisions that mattered. Now for the first time I had to take full responsibility for everything, and my mother was a poor pensioner. However, it turned out that situation was not quite as bad as I imagined: there was enough on her bank account to cover the expenses for cheapest option I found. I was grateful: once again I should not have doubted that the universe works in my favor. 

I put a photograph of my mother on my altar, and dedicated my daily practice for her for 49 days - a Buddhist mourning period, that strangely ended on her birthday on December 4th! Of course I do realize: too little too late. Even though I believe in spiritual practice, I could have done much more for her when she was alive. It's just like praying for someone in need, instead of helping them in concrete way. A sincere good will is half of the process, but it stays halfway, a beautiful thought, unless it is embodied in good deeds.  

Her funeral was in Lutheran church, because she was always a member, even though I don't know her beliefs. It was natural for me to choose the same pieces of music as in my partner's funeral: in the beginning, Adagio in G Minor by Albinoni:

In between, my favorite Finnish Lutheran hymn, "Herra kädelläsi" (Lord on Thy hand). I have sweet memories related to that. This version below is performed by Finnish pop artist, Jenni Vartiainen. It is joyful, and the last verse speaks of death (my translation): 

Lord on Thy hand
I lay down my head in sleep
You call your friend to rest
Hand will carry me
to new life
giving me peace forever, I stay in light
It is my happiness to be
close to the Lord
I can resort to God alone
It is my happiness to be
close to the Lord
I want to sing about His deeds

Last we heard Bach's Cantata 147, "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring":

We started with solemn and melancholic mood, and ended with hopeful, uplifting melody. In between there was room for whole  spectrum of emotions. It didn't feel too burdensome at any point, but when Bach began to play, I felt lightened. For reading I chose the Psalm 23, which I have always liked. "A beautiful and simple service", someone said. Like my mother. She left like she lived. And it suits for me as well. In fact, I want something even simpler for myself [see below]! 

The Memorial Service

I was insecure if I could leave it to my loved ones, presuming they are able and willing to take care of my funeral on their own, according to my wishes. Then again, I know that in Soka Gakkai International lay members, since it is a lay movement, conduct funerals for members. Sometimes even relatives, if they were also members, may lead the ceremony. So it is not too much to expect. My loved ones are not Buddhists, but neither they have nothing against it. 

I wish my old printed Gohonzon is placed upon my chest in coffin, and fragrant sandalwood chips (that I have) are sprinkled around the body. I came up with this idea independently, and only when Thich Nhat Hahn died in 2022, I saw there actually is a practice of covering the body with sandalwood chips (I have to settle for less). 

I have composed this ritual for myself, according to my mind, because I am an independent practitioner, and don't belong to any Buddhist organization because of my choice. This unofficial ritual will replace any other ceremonies, and it is performed after cremation at home, with those few loved ones who can and will attend. Virtual participation is possible for those who can not come (I myself took part in two funerals of a relative remotely, holding my Buddhist practice at the same time, and sending a white rose for the event: thus I was truly there in spirit, it was not a mere expression), but it is recommendable to gather together. People can donate for charity: rescue cats are close to my heart (I've had many)! In Buddhism, it is seen as an offering for the deceased. 

I wish my altar is maintained at least for 49 days - a Buddhist mourning period, and in any case until this ritual can be performed. A candle, an incense stick, a beautiful memory, a good thought, maybe even mantra, Namu Myoho Renge Kyo, three times daily...

Portrait of me (1997)

Chairs are arranged facing the altar. Phones are muted. There are fresh water and fruit offerings on the altar. My portrait is on display, and so is the urn. Participants may each bring a one single white rose, and they are put in vase. Gohonzon, "the object of devotion", Nichiren's calligraphic mandala, is revealed. Candles are lit. People bow to the Gohonzon with hands in gassho 🙏. Everyone may offer an incense stick. They may sit. The singing bowl is stricken five times. 

Selected quotes are read aloud. 

Reading loud:

Through this act of love, may __.__ enjoy the positive conditions, high rebirth, happiness and peace. May he meet the perfect teacher, and quickly attain perfect enlightenment for the benefit of all living beings without exception. 

[Above formula I have used in my practice while commemorating the deceased relatives. In addition, words below are from Sylvain Chamberlain-Nyudo...] 

Also, we pray and meditate deeply that all the positive causes made by the deceased, live long and impact widely all those sentient beings they touch, and that any remaining negative effects are dissipated and minimized through our own sincere effort and meditations.

[Most of the service is in form of videos, so that everything is as easy as possible. I learnt my practice through YouTube videos, so it is just natural continuation.]

Refuge 

[I added the refuge in my Gongyo in 2024 to be in touch with the mainstream Buddhist tradition. It is part, for one, of Rissho Kosei-kai sutra recitations, which is one Nichiren Buddhist school. "I take refuge in Buddha": Shakyamuni Buddha is eternal through his teachings, and we aspire to manifest our own inherent Buddhahood. "I take refuge in Dharma" - the teachings: in Japanese, ho, "the Law", truth about life and universe, and Buddha's teachings concerning it; in Nichiren Buddhism it is especially the Lotus Sutra and Namu Myoho Renge Kyo. "I take refuge in Sangha" - the community: for me as an independent practitioner, this is Nichiren Shonin, and the chain of his millions of followers throughout the centuries, with which I'm united by the common practice.]

Reading loud: 

How long does a lifetime last? If one stops to consider, it is like a single night's lodging at a wayside inn. Should one forget that fact and seek some measure of worldly fame and profit? Though you may simply gain them, they will be mere prosperity in a dream, a delight scarcely to be prized. You would do better simply to leave such matters to the karma formed in your previous existences. Once you awaken to the uncertainty and transience of this world, you will find endless examples confronting your eyes and filling your ears. Vanished like clouds of rain, the people of past ages have left nothing but their names. Fading away like dew, drifting far off like smoke, our friends of today too disappear from sight. Should you suppose that you alone can somehow remain forever like the clouds over Mount Mikasa? The spring blossoms depart with the wind; maple leaves turn red in autumn showers. All are proof that no living thing can stay for long in this world. Therefore, the Lotus Sutra counsels us, "Nothing in this world is lasting or firm but all are like bubbles, foam, heat shimmer."

The life of a human being is fleeting. The exhaled breath never waits for the inhaled one. Even dew before the wind is hardly a sufficient metaphor. It is the way of the world that whether one is wise or foolish, old or young, one never knows what will happen to one from one moment to the next. Therefore I should first of all learn about death, and then about other things.

The Nirvana Sutra states, "Human life runs its course more swiftly than a mountain stream; the person here today will not likely be here tomorrow." The Maya Sutra reads, "Imagine, for instance, a flock of sheep being driven by a chandala to the slaughterhouse. Human life is exactly the same; step by step one approaches the place of death." 

The most dreadful things in the world are the pain of fire, the flashing of swords, and the shadow of death. Even horses and cattle fear being killed; no wonder human beings are afraid of death. Even a leper clings to life; how much more so a healthy person. 

It is the way of the world that birth and death are the eternally unchanging characteristics of life throughout the three existences of the past, present and future. This is nothing to grieve over or be surprised at. 

Since your deceased husband was a votary of this sutra, he doubtless attained Buddhahood as he was. You need not grieve so much over his passing. But to grieve is natural, since you are an ordinary person. Even sages are sometimes sad. Although Shakyamuni Buddha’s greatest disciples had been awakened to the truth of life, they could not help lamenting his passing. Perhaps they behaved as ordinary people do. By all means perform as much good as you possibly can for the sake of your deceased husband.

- Nichiren 

Gongyo 

["To exert oneself in practice", a short ceremony twice a day. Two parts of the Lotus Sutra are recited in Sino-Japanese, and Daimoku, the sacred title of the Lotus Sutra, is repeated. The Sutra recitation below is from Rissho Kosei-kai, and Daimoku is from Nichiren Shu, two separate Nichiren Buddhist schools.]

The Lotus Sutra

[Namu Myoho Renge Kyo: "Devotion/Homage to the Mystic Law/Wonderful Dharma of the Lotus Sutra". Some schools of Nichiren Buddhism use short form of "Nam"; it's not wrong, but nowadays I use full form of "Namu". Participants may chant here in unison, hands in gassho gesture...]

Daimoku

[So called "silent prayers" are included in SGI Gongyo (I use them too, but my prayers - or meditations - are inspired by other independent practitioners, often former SGI members), and one of them is a prayer for the deceased. So, at this point people present may silently in their minds offer a prayer/blessing/wish in their own words, as a moment of silent pause is taken.]

Four Bodhisattva Vows

[In 2024 I also added four Bodhisattva vows to my Gongyo; they are part of Nichiren Shu style of liturgy. According to the Lotus Sutra, we are the Bodhisattvas of the earth. This is a song in English by brother ChiSing: "Countless beings we vow to save; ceaseless afflictions we vow to end; limitless Dharma doors we vow to open; the highest path of awakening we vow to realize." In Nichiren Shu liturgy it goes like this: "Sentient beings are innumerable: I vow to save them all. Our evil desires are inexhaustible: I vow to quench them all. The Buddha's teachings are immeasurable: I vow to study them all. The way of the Buddha is unexcelled: I vow to attain the Path Sublime."]

Reading loud: 

The Thus Come One perceives the true aspect of the threefold world exactly as it is. There is no ebb or flow of birth and death, and there is no existing in this world and later entering extinction. It is neither substantial nor empty, neither consistent nor diverse. Nor is it what those who dwell in the threefold world perceive it to be. All such things the Thus Come One sees clearly and without error.

- The Lotus Sutra

[In sutras Buddha often calls himself and other buddhas "Tathagata", the Thus Come One. The threefold world is the world of unenlightened beings we live in, consisting of the world of desire, the world of form, and the world of formlessness.]

The fourth volume of the Lotus Sutra states: ‘If one can uphold this [sutra], he will be upholding the Buddha’s body.’ Neither the pure land nor hell exists outside ourselves; both lie within our own hearts. Awakened to this truth, one is called a Buddha; deluded about it, one is called a common mortal. The Lotus Sutra reveals this truth, and one who embraces the Lotus Sutra will realize that hell is itself the Land of Tranquil Light.

Be resolved to summon forth the great power of faith, and chant Namu-myoho-renge-kyo with the prayer that your faith will be steadfast and correct at the moment of death. Never seek any other way to inherit the ultimate Law of life and death, and manifest it in your life. Only then will you realize that earthly desires are enlightenment, and that the sufferings of birth and death are nirvana.

For one who summons up one’s faith and chants Namu-myoho-renge-kyo with the profound insight that now is the last moment of one’s life, the sutra proclaims: “When the lives of these persons come to an end, they will be received into the hands of a thousand Buddhas, who will free them from all fear and keep them from falling into the evil paths of existence.” How can we possibly hold back our tears at the inexpressible joy of knowing that... as many as a thousand Buddhas will come to greet us with open arms!

- Nichiren 

The singing bowl is stricken three times. 

 See also: English summary of my other blog, about Nichiren Buddhism.

 Afterwards, beverage and snacks are served. A potluck might be a good idea. People can share their memories. Certain memorabilia may be distributed among them, including my jewelry, books, drawings, and possibly old photos if anyone cares. 

 

LIFE JOURNEY

I turned 50 on February 2020. It didn't feel special at all. Sure, I used to dream of a big party once in a lifetime, but the fact is, I don't know that many people I would like to invite, and neither I actually enjoy myself in a large group of people.

 I had no crisis about my age. My life was already overturned few years back, when my former partner died (see previous post, Through Death to Love): I found new love, graduated for profession, finished driving school, bought a car, moved (temporarily) to small town... never has my life changed so much, and all this within a year!

It frequently happens that when a person with whom one was intimate dies, either one is oneself drawn into the death, so to speak, or else this burden has the opposite effect of a task to be fulfilled in real life. - Carl Jung

It is true what they say, that age is just a number, and you are only as old as you feel you are. But you only know that when you reach "that age". I don't feel old. You are not old as long as you can get excited about new things, like a teenager! When I was in my 20's, I thought aging really starts as you turn 30, and I don't want to live over 50, because I was afraid of old age. How stupid was that!

In my 20's I was old in my mind - and I also wanted to believe I was "more mature" than others of my age. I was very serious and rigid person; I even wore only a blazer and slacks. Among the years I have only grown younger, become more adaptive. Nowadays I wear jeans and a hoodie, and it's not because I try to look young, it's because I feel more relaxed. 

Experience of life does bring you more perspective to see things wider (not necessarily for all, unfortunately I have witnessed that too). In my youth my thinking was marked by absoluteness, which I guess is typical to that age.

What is youth? It is the inner strength not to stagnate or grow resistant to change, but to stay open to new possibilities. It is the power of the spirit that refuses to succumb to complacency and strives ever forward. - Daisaku Ikeda

Acrylic and water color painting I made,
on Easter 2019, just few days before my
heart surgery. It crystallizes my experience
of my former partner's death - how I felt like
my shell was broken, and I was drawn to the
Light. Symbolically, it can also relate to the
message of Easter, and afterwards I realized
it depicts my surgery as well. 

I haven't been an angel or a saint. I'm just a man with my faults and shortcomings. There is nothing wrong about being whole - to recognize and accept your shadow as well.
I don't feel remorse, grudge or bitterness, for anyone or anything.  It's all bygone. I would hardly change anything about my life. Certainly, with today's awareness, I would have done few things differently, especially enjoyed the bodily pleasures of life when I was young, instead of being so "spiritual", which was a pure fear of life. But I was totally different person back then, I could not do otherwise with the resources I had. And with different life I would be different person today, and I'm not sure if I liked that person. 

Today everything is better than it was when I was young: My life situation is stable, I have rewarding relationships, I'm much less insecure, and not at all so naive. What you might lose in physics, you gain in spirit.
Instead of desperately seeking for love from those around you - and by "love" I mean attention, appreciation, company, friendship, acceptance - you must learn to love yourself first! Then you don't need anyone,  but when you give and receive love, it's because you want to. It's healthy to care for yourself, and when you share your life with someone else, it's your choice. That's something I have learnt through experience. Maturing comes with self-knowledge.

Only recently I realized there are two features about me I can be proud of: I cannot literally harm a fly - news about animal abuse make me sick; and I can never say anything mean to another person, no matter how angry I might be. Today's hate speech is beyond my comprehension. These features are very deep in my nature. I can be selfish in so many ways, like all of us, so I'm not bragging obviously; It's just that I have seriously been pondering if there is some compassionate, authentic, and unaffected quality within me. And the answer, to my great joy, is yes. Call that Buddha Nature - it's within you, as well as transcending you. 

The most important moments in life are those, when you don't think about yourself; when you are really present for another person, listening to them, perhaps saying something good, or when you pet your cat or dog, giving them your full attention. 

Everything I have confronted, including hardships, was necessary: It has polished me the way I am, brought me to this day, which is the best time of my life. Every person gives meaning to their life by themselves, and if you see more than just coincidence in all its events, it fills your life with a sense of significance. 

Life has also shown that I am inwardly very strong. I see people staggering and falling around me, which is sad, but I just keep going and don't let anything discourage me! 

There have been occasions when I was kind of comforted by the idea of mortality. I was even planning for my own funeral for 20 years, and it was becoming extremely detailed; When my partner died, I destroyed my plans. It felt stupid. I was doing it for myself.
Maybe I was so dissatisfied with my life, as psychologist once said to me, that I saw beauty only in the end... but unlikely I actually wished it would end - it was really a distant thought, and "comfort" it gave me was more like indulging in a self-pity.
If I had killed myself at the age of 16, as I was planning to do, I would never have seen this day, when life is wonderful and I can't get enough of it! Is human being actually ever ready to let go, unless their existence is unbearable suffering for some reason? 

Only through experience I have learnt to understand life, and there is always more to experience, and we will never fully understand. 

I am happy. I don't want to die, but if I die, I die happy. It's better than bitter and cynical. Isn't it better to go in the middle of life? These last few years after newly found joy of living and love have been worth it. My outer life may have not been very rich of experiences, but my inner life certainly has! And in the end, that is all that matters. You can only "store up treasures in heaven", and that "last journey" is the ultimate adventure!
Happiness is not about big emotions and climaxes in life; it's not a goal, but a journey. Nothing to reach for. It simply IS, once you realize it... in small things, in ordinary life, here and now. Not outside, even with another person, but within you. 

A place for scattering the ashes
in my home town, Tampere, Finland.

If one stops evolving in spirit, you might as well die, because you have already died internally. Yet it is not the end of a journey: Birth and death are not extremities, they are just two points in continuum of eternity. Death is the greatest renewing force in life, as I have experienced as a loved one on this side of the veil. How much more it is so for the deceased themselves! 

My beliefs were not changed much after conversion to Buddhism, they were only strengthened. Energy won't die out, Life is eternal; only individual personality is not. (See my old post, Life after Death, about my old theosophical beliefs.)

My funeral one day will be conducted by the rite of The Christian Community anyway; Their ideas of death are kind of "Buddhist", or universal: Rebirth is one of them.

Sangharakshita explained (my own translation from Finnish back to English): Buddhism says it is irrelevant to ask, whether it is the same or different man who is reborn. The one who is reborn, is not the same or different man than the one who died. If you express the matter paradoxically, really strict orthodox Buddhist stand is, that there is rebirth, but there is no one to be reborn. This is why Buddhism avoids such concepts as Reincarnation. Incarnation is going to the body, Reincarnation is going to the body again. A word Reincarnation includes an idea, just like a passage I quoted from Bhagavad Gita (where Sri Krishna says, "What is Reincarnation? It is like changing clothes. Just like you get up in the morning, and decide to put on new clothes, so you throw away your old body and take on a new body."), that man has a tiny soul (or permanent ego), which comes and goes from body to body, but in itself remains immutable. A correct Buddhist term is punarbhava (punabhava in Pali), meaning "becoming something again" - not even "rebirth". 

When my partner died, and also another person I knew, who was younger than me, and I had a heart surgery last year (my partner had a same condition, and that other person had heart problems too; big difference is, that I am not an alcoholic!), a thought of mortality has really just crystallized to me.

Life is never so beautiful as when surrounded by death.

- Carl Jung

In my home town we have an official spot for scattering the ashes into the lake. I find that ideal: No grave, no stone; your remains return to the natural elements they were originally loaned from. Just like your memory will gradually fade away, and the world carries on like you never existed. There was a time I wanted to leave a legacy, to be remembered by something, but now I just want to be able to live with myself; I don't need to make an impression on anyone.

How long does a lifetime last? If one stops to consider, it is like a single night's lodging at a wayside inn. Should one forget that fact and seek some measure of worldly fame and profit? Though you may gain them, they will be mere prosperity in a dream, a delight scarcely to be prized. You would do better simply to leave such matters to the karma formed in your previous existences.
Once you awaken to the uncertainty and transience of this world, you will find endless examples confronting your eyes and filling your ears. Vanished like clouds of rain, the people of past ages have left nothing but their names. Fading away like dew, drifting far off like smoke, our friends of today too disappear from sight. Should you suppose that you alone can somehow remain forever like the clouds over Mount Mikasa?
The spring blossoms depart with the wind; maple leaves turn red in autumn showers. All are proof that no living thing can stay for long in this world. Therefore, the Lotus Sutra counsels us, "Nothing in this world is lasting or firm but all are like bubbles, foam, heat shimmer."
- Nichiren

Nichiren Buddhist: Identity, Death & Rebirth

Soka Humanism: The Difference between Rebirth and Reincarnation

Neo Polytheist: Buddhist beliefs regarding the Afterlife

Eventually, everyone we know now won't be known by anyone: