MAGICAL REALITY

 We are very much afraid of the word magic, it has a bad name, for its meaning has degenerated and it has a purely superstitious sound in our ears. But magical was originally simply psychical, the ancients did not know of the existence of the psyche, so not being able to call anything psychic they used the word magic. ~Carl Jung, ETH Lecture XI, 3Feb1939, Page 71.

Magic is the working of men on men, but your magic action does not affect your neighbor; it affects you first, and only if you withstand it does an invisible effect pass from you to your neighbor. ~Carl Jung, The Red Book, Page 308.

The ancients devised magic to compel fate. They needed it to determine outer fate. We need it to determine inner fate and to find the way that we are unable to conceive. ~Carl Jung, The Red Book, Page 311.

In this post I would like to discuss something I have been doing for years, even before I became a Buddhist, and increasingly in past two years: magic (or magick, if you wish). Or should I say, magic as I see it; I don't claim to be an expert of any sort, with a lot of literary knowledge on subject: I am more of a doer. And as one might argue, that applies to my Buddhist practice as well. Precisely, I practice, everyday. I should read more... after all, study is one of the three basic elements of Nichiren Buddhism - faith, practice, and study. 

However, I know enough to quote so called experts. Aleister Crowley formulated his definition of magic as "the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with  will." And, "every intentional act is a magical act." He also said: "Magic is real. And reality... it is magical." 

I readily admit I'm inclined towards magical thinking, and I see nothing wrong with that; It makes life much more meaningful and fascinating, when you are able to see it this way: miraculous! I have often witnessed small occurrences, that strengthened my faith and trust also in bigger circumstances: everything is alright. Your spirituality is weighed in mundane. (Jung came up with a concept of Synchronicity, a meaningful coincidence.)

Of course the downside of magical thinking would be superstitious fear of the unknown, but I leave that for Christians. When I was a child I feared the dark, because of what might lurk in there; Now that I'm grown up, darkness is a friend who protectively covers me under her velvety cloak (I should write a poem!). 

Also as a child, I remember how I used to see the shapes of people and animals in foliage of treetops against the sky. I can't see them anymore. I have been told I was not the only one. Jesus told us to become as little children to be able to enter into the kingdom of heaven. Children enjoy the world as it is with all their senses, without knowing of "evil" and "sin", and they still live in heaven here and now. So, I think "heaven" is a realm of creativity and imagination, and being like children is to surrender to this play in earnest, but not too seriously.  As a child I used to create enormous imaginary worlds, and oh, how devotedly I prepared to play, before I even started! In latter age I realized it was related to my religious life: The same play was continued, just in the name of religion this time, the Holy Play, so to speak, and rituals and symbols were the language of that state of being, language of the subconscious mind. (I have a feeling I have used almost these exact words before, but I couldn't find where, and it doesn't matter; They still fit in here perfectly.)

Wikipedia article on Magic and religion, states: "Religion and magic became conceptually separated in the West where the distinction arose between supernatural events sanctioned by approved religious doctrine versus magic rooted in other religious sources. With the rise of Christianity this became characterized with the contrast between divine miracles versus folk religion, superstition, or occult speculation." 

Modern study has questioned this contrast, and magic is rather seen as one of many forms of religious practice. Yes, we all know the bible reads, "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live", among other things. Personally, I don't give a f**k. Nevertheless, what the bible says, it is full of descriptions of magical acts, and obviously in positive light when they are performed by the followers of Hebrew god. It's just not very interesting to me, as Non-Christian. I only see ignorance and hypocrisy of Christians. You don't see in your religion what you see in others. Yet, it is undeniably there. Just like bible is full of astrological stuff, no matter how "clearly" it seems to be forbidden. Besides, there are nowadays even Christo-pagans. And by the way, The Eucharist is a magical ritual throughout; see Stephan A. Hoeller, The Gnosis of the Eucharist. 

John Myrdhin Reynolds, aka Vajranatha, writes about historical explanations of magic: 

In ancient times among the Egyptians, Babylonians, and Greeks, and in medieval times until after the Renaissance, magic was explained in terms of the organic model of reality and the world. In this model, every thing and every event is connected with each other in terms of sympathies and correspondences. Magic was taken as an objective reality. But with the rise of modern science in the 17th century, these old explanations of how magic works no longer sufficed in the face of a clock-like mechanistic universe. So, in the next two centuries magic came to be explained in terms of energies, including subtle or occult energy which could not be detected by machines. However such energies may be experienced by our bodies and by our minds, which are far more sensitive instruments than any machine. At the beginning of the last century, with the influence of Freud and Jung, a psychological dimension was added to the explanations of magic, with psychic energy becoming the libido and the old gods and spirits being seen as psychological archetypes, or even projections. Quantum physics has moved beyond the old assumptions of earlier 19th century physics and the role of the subject or observer in the occurence of every event has come to be recognized.

So, what about Buddhism? In his lecture, "Magic, healing and ethics in Tibetan Buddhism", Sam van Schaik says: "When I use the term ‘Buddhist magic’ I mean rituals entirely performed for thiswordly ends, in which the ultimate aim of Buddhism - awakening - is only indirectly present in the practice, if at all. When buddhas and bodhisattvas appear in these practices, their role as saviour or exemplar of enlightenment is not forefronted, and their purpose is only to guarantee the effects of the magic spell. And ‘magic’ overlaps with ‘medicine’ in that specific remedies are prescribed for specific problems."

Author Trevor Corson writes about the magic of Buddhism, and he refers to important figure in history of Japanese Buddhism, who is fairly unknown in the West: a priest named Kukai, who founded Shingon sect, or "True Word" School, much older than better known Zen, and even today Shingon claims as many adherents in Japan as Zen. According to legend, Kukai is also a person attributed to introduce male same-sex love into Japan, which obviously isn't true: it has always been everywhere. Interesting story anyway, and a legend affirmed these relations in 17th century Japan.  

Shingon is part of Vajrayana, Tantric Buddhism or esoteric Buddhism, just like Tibetan Buddhism: "emphasizing not quiet meditation but mystical magic"... "magical technologies for influencing the world—not for escaping from it"...

(Nichiren's critics on Shingon can be read here.)

Consciously and intentionally I rely on magic when I'm on the threshold: something needs to be left behind, and something new to be born. The most obvious time for this is the New Year's night. That is my oldest and consistently cyclic magical practice. When I became a Buddhist, I briefly considered abandoning my old habits, but it became clear to me that there was an inner need for that: It is the main point that your tradition feels vivid, and you don't do it just because you're accustomed to. On New Year's night the "energy" - for lack of a better word - can be very strong, as if all the wishes and good intentions of human race formed a kind of collective cloud you can draw from, and channel for your purpose. Like magic is vibrating all around in the air. New Year to me is the most important holiday. Ideally it includes both secular and sacred activities to an appropriate extent: you mustn't forget Champagne! 

Today I just more blatantly embrace the fact that I do magic as well. As I see it, it is more like a "hobby" or something, that operates on the surface of reality, where the opposites appear; Whereas Buddhism to me is a profound conviction, reaching deeper levels of existence, where All is One. Opposition and separation are just the face of things; on a deeper level everything is interconnected. As I have said before, my philosophy seamlessly encloses a religion I practice, but  it's not emptied by it, and my spirituality consists of manifold aspects, since man is manifold creature. You might be surprised that I consider myself very down-to-earth and critical. So, in case you wonder if I actually believe in all this, that's a tough one. I never claim, "This is the Truth". Some ideas are like useful tools. And if needed, you can trade them. In Buddhism, the word "faith" translated from the Pali language, is saddha (shraddha in Sanskrit), literally meaning "to place the heart upon". It is not blind belief or submission to the authority. One needs trust or confidence in their practice and their own potential. 

My spiritual "idol" today is not some Guru on a pedestal, but a fellow practitioner (of different tradition) much like myself; I can relate to many things she's gone through on her own path: Zeena Schreck. For over twenty years she has been a Vajrayana Buddhist, but as her website also says: "Zeena incorporates into her personal practices and teachings decades long study, practice and personal gnosis of Gnostic Sethian theurgy traditions, stemming from the ancient worship and primordial magical practices of the Egyptian deity Seth." But it is strongly stressed that "Zeena has... received instruction from her heart Lama Ayang Rinpoche on how to properly practice both Buddhism and Sethian theurgy without contradicting her Buddhist vows. This is applied in the same manner as with Buddhist practitioners who originally are of other religions, such as Christian or Hindu, who still maintain aspects of their original faiths at the same time as recognizing those faiths are not the true route to Liberation, Enlightenment and Omniscience as taught by the Buddha Shakyamuni. It should therefore be understood, that in no way does Zeena conflate her Sethian practices and teachings... with the Buddhist ones. Nor does she blend them together as many occultists, secular humanist, atheists, academics, and religious zealots of all persuasions, wrongly assume."

Even as an independent practitioner of Nichiren Buddhism, my practice is still formal and traditional. My magic, however, is the way to express my creativity. I find it more meaningful to form your own rituals, not to adopt what others have done, even though you may borrow some things. That is to say, it is personal. I find something similar in Chaos Magic. My magic is also Elemental Magic, because the four elements of fire, water, earth, and air have always been important to me. 

My drawing 1992

I usually don't use spiritual entities, gods or whatever, because it feels a little forced to me. In my 20's I was interested in Wicca, years before I became Christian, and in early 1990's there was no internet and not much information available. I expressed my interest in artistic manner. Later when I was deeper in a box of Christianity, I couldn't quite grasp the idea of worshiping old pagan gods - how could anyone actually still believe in them? I could not see that belief in godhead of Christianity was essentially and equally "strange". When I was freed from Christianity through Luciferianism, which was close to Neopaganism, I truly realized how you can believe in other gods - or at least work with their energies. Gods or demons, as well as many buddhas and bodhisattvas, are all aspects of oneself. 

On this video below, "Does Prayer actually work?", Morgue gives some good points to consider. According to him, prayer is a weak form of magic. Why weak? Because it transfers the power away from you - you give it to god, spirit, godhead. You project your power on something outside. Under the will of that godhead, you have bound yourself. There is no metaphysical force out there, Morgue argues, godhead exists in your mind, and your mind is powerful and makes things happen. Magic, on the other hand, emphasizes the willpower of a practitioner: If you work with the spirit, you don't beg, you command! You are a magician in the middle of circle, and everything revolves around you. You represent the central point of the universe in microcosm. Spirits don't really exist, they are aspects of your own consciousness. You are balancing your psyche, as advanced magician knows. The more complex the spell, the more it works your unconscious mind (like, if you write something down once, you may forget it; if you write it hundred times, you will more likely remember). The spell in itself won't do anything, it activates unconscious effort in your mind, and nothing impossible can occur. It is like placebo, often underrated, but its effect is real, and science can not fully explain it. Magic is transforming yourself, and through that you impact on others and change the world. That's a brief summary of video.  

In some Buddhist traditions, "prayer plays only an ancillary role" (Wikipedia); "It is largely a ritual expression of wishes for success in the practice and in helping all beings." Especially Soka Gakkai International seemingly likes to use a word prayer, which I think may be a little misleading in Buddhist context, as it easily conjures up a Christian idea. A word meditation could be used instead. Corresponding Finnish Wikipedia article says that the style of prayer in Nichiren Buddhism, when you recite the verses of the Lotus Sutra, is close to Western idea of prayer, but as it is added: Praying here can be understood as a process of deepening self-knowledge, which enables one to evolve as a human being. 

Sometimes it seems that in SGI people try to gain benefits by chanting, to achieve their goals in material world. Some people even refer to manifestation and the laws of attraction in this context, which is far-fetched and alien to me, and I don't mean to deny the conception altogether, it's just not Buddhism; mantra is not a magical formula. Even as a Christian, I didn't want to pray for some specific outcome or a concrete goal to be fulfilled, because it seemed too egoistic to me. And that is exactly what many Christians do. Yes, Jesus said, "You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." (John 14:14 NIV), but it needs to be put into perspective with his other words: "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6:8 NIV), and "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:13 NIV) Holy Spirit, Bread of Life, spiritual sustenance... Our Daily Bread in The Lord's Prayer. This is universal perspective. Spiritual development, enlightenment, is our primary goal. Every possible good attainment in life is a spin-off beside that. 

Only now in 2024 I found out about ancient Egyptian concept called Heka, and I think it is fascinating! Never before have I even heard about this, which is odd since I consider myself very educated on these matters, and instantly I was attracted to this idea, as sometimes may happen to me. I put the links at the bottom, but first I try to gather some main points together... 

Heka was the deification of magic and medicine in ancient Egypt. The name is the Egyptian word for "magic", and literally translates as "using the ka", also explained as "the first work". 

"Heka". Papyrus scroll on the right
is a symbol of an abstract concept

Its hieroglyphic spelling includes the symbol for the word ka, the Egyptian concept of the vital force. The word written in hieroglyphs consists of a twisted rope (h) - or a twist of flax, thought to resemble two snakes - and two parallel arms pointing up (ka). When a seated god is added, the text is referring to the god with the same name, who embodies the concept of heka. Magic empowered all the gods and Heka was also a god of power whose name was tied to this meaning. Originally his name may have meant "he who consecrates the ka" and he is called "Lord of the Kas" in the coffin texts. Ka was also an aspect of a person's or god's soul. Therefore Heka was originally the deity who watched over one's soul, gave one's soul power, energy, and allowed it to be elevated in death to the afterlife. 

God Heka

Ḥeka preceded all other Egyptian deities, and is probably the most important god in Egyptian mythology, among the oldest gods of Egypt, regarded as the power behind the gods, but often overlooked because his presence was so pervasive as to make him almost invisible. Magic enabled a personal relationship with the gods which linked the individual to the divine. In this way, Heka can be seen as the underlying form of spirituality in ancient Egypt regardless of the era or the gods most popular at any time. In the coffin texts Heka  speaks: "To me belonged the universe before you gods came into being. You have come afterwards because I am Heka". He was the protector and sustainer of humanity and of the gods they worshiped as well as the world and universe in which all lived.

He is sometimes seen in Egyptian art in the boat of the sun along with other personified elements, namely Sia (perception or insight) and Hu (creative utterance, authoritative speech). To human beings, he finds expression in the heart and the tongue, represented by gods Sia and Hu. Heka was the power which infused both. He was linked to the creative aspects of the heart and the tongue. The heart was considered the seat of one's individual personality, thought, and feeling, while the tongue gave expression to these aspects. In the same way that Heka, Sia, and Hu enabled the gods to first create the world, they allowed human beings to think, feel, and express themselves.

According to myth, the god Heka fought and overcame two serpents. These serpents then became part of Heka's symbol, symbolic of his power, with two snakes above the head. He is connected with the caduceus (a winged staff with two serpents wrapped around it), now a symbol associated with medicine. He was generally depicted carrying a magic staff and a knife, the tools of a healer, as a man in royal dress wearing the regal curved beard of the gods. Heka had no formal ritual worship, no cult following, and no temples (except in the late period of ancient Egypt, 525 - 323 BCE).

The concept of Heka lacks clear boundaries between ancient Egyptian magic, religion, and medicine. Heka was not limited to active rituals but it was a power that permeated life. Practitioners of magic were often temple priests, and magic was neither positive nor negative; it was a cosmic force that could be used to destroy or to protect, a natural force that could be harnessed and manipulated by deity or man for either harm or protection. Egyptian physicians called themselves "priests of Heka". 

According to texts, Heka existed before duality had yet come into being, without parents, without origin. In origin stories, the creator god, Atum, uses heka to make the world. Every aspect of the universe is made of heka. It has been likened to an “all pervading coercive power—comparable to the laws of nature in its coerciveness and all pervadingness—by which in the beginning the world was made, by which it is daily maintained and by which mankind is ruled.” (Jan Assman, Magic and Theology in Ancient Egypt) It is a force that created and propelled the universe, but could also be manipulated by the actions, words, objects and images to bring about a desired result.

Odgen Goelet (Ph.D. in ancient Egyptian history) explains:

Heka magic is many things, but, above all, it has a close association with speech and the power of the word. In the realm of Egyptian magic, actions did not necessarily speak louder than words – they were often one and the same thing. Thought, deed, image, and power are theoretically united in the concept of Heka.

 The Greek and Roman Stoics would later write of the Logos and the Neo-Platonists of the Nous - a force which flowed through and bound all things together but was, at the same time, distinct from creation and eternal - and so Heka lived on under these different names. The influence of the Neo-Platonists on the development of religious beliefs is well established, and so Heka continued as he always did; the invisible force behind the visible gods.

Maybe you wonder why I use so much space for this ancient Egyptian concept. I don't know if you are able to understand what I try to say... I don't need explanations to satisfy my reason, I receive inspiration, like at the magnificent piece of Art. Although I'm sure different mind (absolute and literal, that is) would overanalyze that too. I rather let it speak to me. Yet at the same time I'm skeptical about many things that don't make sense to me; It is a paradox of spirituality. Ancient Egyptian religion is no longer a living tradition, but Western Occultism and Esoterism often claim to trace their origin back to Ancient Egypt. So why not take an advantage of it. 

Reiki

This concept of Heka reminds me of Chinese Qi, or Ki as in Reiki, which I often use combined with my practice of magic. See, for example, Christopher Penczak's article, Using Reiki Magick. He is a witch, and he has also written a book about this subject. I have heard modern witches say that their witchcraft is energy work. I have described my life in recent years as being in the flow of Life, or tuned in to the rhythm of the Universe, and Buddhist chanting is helping me to keep my focus. I think it is fundamentally the same thing. 

In New Year I write a list of things I wish to let go (and nowadays also a list of things I'm grateful for, just for the balance). I have a bowl of water, and stones. Going through the list, I pick up a stone with every item, take a deep breath and squeeze the stone in my fist, then drop it in the water and exhale. Finally I burn the list. This simple exercise has proven very effective in releasing negative emotions, especially quilt, like when my partner died, and I thought about everything I had done or hadn't done or said. Although in normal circumstances I no longer find many things I would regret: Along with my Christianity I gave up my quilt. 

Still every New Year I have done an online Tarot reading - a reminder from the 1990's, when I was very much into New Age. Nowadays it's more like an entertainment. This year my husband actually wanted to buy physical Tarot cards, so next time I will use them. But this is the free site I can recommend: Facade. 

Likewise, I write down my goal for the next year, and close it in the envelope and seal it. It is precisely the point that I will forget it, but hopefully it is imprinted on my subconscious mind. The most exciting example of what might happen is this: In the end of 2015 when my partner had just died, I had written that "I am open for Love". I didn't remember that as I opened the envelope in the end of 2016, and it just happened that I had met my husband and fell in love with him! And I can assure you it is not something that happens to me all the time! Another goal actualized was permanent employment. Things don't just happen by themselves, it is I opening up for opportunity - that needs to be emphasized. 

My Baphomet candle

Last New Year I lit for the first time a candle I consecrated for magical purposes. I burn it whenever I'm doing magic (which is not often!). There is a figure of Baphomet depicted on a candle, or the "Sabbatic Goat", drawn by the French occultist Eliphas Levi in the 19th Century. It is said to symbolize dualism. I chose this candle for the sympathy towards The Satanic Temple, which uses this image as their symbol. TST was only just founded when I entered my Luciferian period (see my post, "My visit on the 'dark side'"); If I had known of their kind of interpretation of Satanism, more positive than that of the Church of Satan (or so it seems to me), who knows... But on the other hand, I came from Esoteric Christianity, so obviously I still needed esoterism. Years later I believe less and less, and yet I have one difference of opinion with TST, more aligned with beliefs of Church of Satan, and that is a position on magic. 

My ritual dagger

When I was Luciferian, I considered buying a ritual dagger, but never did. Now, ten years later, I actually did buy a dagger! These two items are my most important magical tools: As candle is a symbol of wisdom or illumination to me, so is dagger a symbol of power. I use my power in the light of wisdom. 

Last year I had enough of my increasing negative emotions towards my late partner (see "New Revelations"). They made me question the whole relationship of nearly 19 years, and threatened to poison the significance of his death, as I once experienced it (see "Through Death to Love"). Suddenly I had a dream I frequently had during the first year after his passing: I was with him, and all I could think about was how to tell him I don't want to be with him, because I have someone else. This time I felt distressed, and I was relieved when I woke up; A dream had become a nightmare. It was the last straw.

So I decided to begin a "magical process", as I called it. All in all, it took about four months. I "purified" my life with him using Reiki, one year at a time for one week, 15 minutes every night. I slowly burned out the candle our mutual friend - and still a friend for me and my current husband - gifted for X-mas 2015, after my partner had died, and I preserved it as a token of memory until now. 

Just like I used to talk to my partner every night for three months after his passing, now I wrote a letter, highlighting the fact that then I felt he was still close to me, now he's distant both emotionally and temporally. Finally, I burned the letter, as you may have already guessed. I made a minor "pilgrimage/retreat" on a place of our engagement ritual, in the forest by the lake. Just sitting on a rock, watching the lake, listening to the waves. For long time after his death I felt an urge to visit there once a year, and it is relatively hard to get there, and a long way. Now that urge seems to be gone. Needless to say, my magical process was a success! It came to an end, and is never to be revisited. Here I only gave a few outlines, not the whole procedure. 

Place of our engagement ritual in 1999, after two years
together; Rock in the middle was an altar, and the four elements
 witnessed. Ashes of our four beloved cats have been buried there,
along with a tuft of my late partner's hair

Last summer I established a new similar and yet very different "sacred place" for myself alone. It is a large rock by the bank of nearby pond. Located at a nature conservation area, just next to the jogging path. It is very close to my home and easily accessible. I go there around midnight (hence I can't take a picture), when it is really quiet and peaceful. I may even lie down on a rock, staring at the starry sky. When I arrive, I draw the power symbol of Reiki with my finger on the rock; When I leave, I chant Daimoku (Namu Myoho Renge Kyo) three times. I have also started to hug trees, as I did in the 1990's (first asking for permission, and thanking afterwards): it is like meeting old friends - they are living beings after all ("Trees are poems that the earth writes upon the sky..." - Kahlil Gibran). 

Only later I realized it is grounding or earthing what I'm doing, and what I really needed. It is refreshing. That's where the magic comes from: It's a natural force. That's why I associate my magic with paganism. In terms of Divinity, it is surely present in nature. I like to call it simply Life or Universe; Both we can observe and understand, they are around us, and we are also part of them. Yet much more is veiled in mystery, and still beyond human comprehension. We are in this body, in this world, for a reason. We are where we're meant to be. And it is good. It's just life as it is. 

This Fall it became necessary to perform a magical ritual for my troubled relationship with an old friend (see "Beyond Words"). It's been going on for years, and I'm really tired of that drama for good, even though my distress is very real, not overstated at all! Again, I don't go to details, but first I showered (purified from negativity), I remained nude (honest and real). I wrote a rhyming spell (rhyming, to make a conscious effort) on a pink paper, and lit a pink candle. I made a list of his good qualities. I had an old photograph of him (from 1999 when we had just met. On the back of photo, I have written: "My kindred spirit". That's how I saw him back then), and a mirror to reflect myself. After ritual, I fully understood it is true what I have suspected: I do project myself on him, everything I have left behind, or don't want to see in myself; everything I hate about myself. Like, I've got this obsessive idea that I'm mentally strong, I have to be strong, and I can survive anything, on my own. (Even though I have a reverse experience as well!) I see weakness in him, and I hate it. 

I also drew a picture I have been planning for years, thinking about us: Buddha and Jesus, just two human beings without halos, commonly drinking tea together, as friends. There is a white rose, a symbol of our small spiritual gathering long time ago, but also a white lotus, as in the Lotus Sutra: Spiritual symbols of both West and East. And a phrase in Latin: "Vacate et Scire" - "be still and know"... as in the Psalm 46:10, but "vacate" can be translated, "Be free"; "Empty yourself"; "Make space"... and know - making its meaning even deeper. A reference to silent meditation, as I see it. This picture is like the abstract of this particular magical act. 

Our first meeting after this ritual was promising: I was able to be more straightforward than before. I even suggested that next time we should quietly just sit and meditate together for starters, and we already settled a date. Something I have been thinking for a long time. I gave him my drawing: In a way, I poured myself into it, so let it work its own magic; He can form his own opinion, and next time I can tell him what I was thinking as I drew it.  

Even now he managed to get me annoyed - which I was able to say out loud right away. This was not the first time. He repeatedly says that he doesn't care about religions - unlike I see him - yet he always refers to Christianity, and how something spiritual is truly "Christian" when he likes it (he once traveled to Egypt, and told that moral behavior of some Muslim women was in fact "Christian"). His use of a word makes it meaningless. When he tells about his spiritual journey, and how he has experienced what is true, they are the truths of Christian religion he's talking about. As I see it, it doesn't leave much space for other religions and different truths, for he knows the truth - not a fragment of it, like the rest of us mortals, but the whole truth - and it is superior. It seems pointless to try to explain that I have my own spiritual journey, and I have experienced many things too. 

It is okay to say, "this is my journey, this is my truth"; it is not okay to say, "this is the truth, and I know it." Or else you lack a sense of proportion, and are just a dick, like each and every Christian (well, maybe not everyone). It's not far from saying, "God told me so; Repent, you unbeliever!" He makes a distinction between himself and "ordinary believers", as he calls them, but some minor specifics (like Reincarnation) don't make him more than just another believer in my eyes. Seems to me he can't distinguish plain spiritual experience from his own interpretation of it, based on his belief system. (Absolute and literal mind, as mentioned before: It's all either black or white.)

That's my impression anyway. Is it just my misinterpretation, or maybe he's expressing his thoughts poorly... or maybe I see arrogance because I'm arrogant? Or maybe he is. My thoughts about him may often be disparaging, so is it wonder if that's what I expect from him too? I can't really ask for respect, unless I show respect. He is not a problem, I have a problem. It's all about my thoughts and my feelings... And perhaps part of a problem is that I don't really know his thoughts and feelings. One time earlier, I opened my heart, and I was so relieved, but he didn't say much. Anyway, magic is primarily affecting me, and through me indirectly on him. I can feel it. Even I don't know what I unleashed. 

I don't think it was religion that united us in the first place. For over ten years as an active member of The Christian Community, I never made friends with anyone else. Rather I think it was mutual likeness we both recognized: Two broken souls attracted one another. And that likeness was what I had enough. In spiritual groups I always felt like I'm playing a role. A single common ideal doesn't unite people very well. Today I have stopped pretending to be something I'm not. The fact that I see how far I am from my ideal, paradoxically proves me I'm on the right track. Enlightenment is increasing self-knowledge, by small insights: Not a sudden, undisputed mystical experience, that changes everything all at once. 

The spell I cast, has two possible end results, because I don't know what I want, or what is best for us: Either it will heal our relationship, or it will help to let go. You can not fix what is not broken. We don't have very much in common anymore. It is only natural that people change, and their relationships change accordingly. Sometimes people grow apart. It doesn't concern only lovers. There is no forever on earth. The fact that I only have few friends, and he's the second oldest one, may not be reason enough to cling to relationship, if it's not working. I used to have a friend - straight male - from school, who was important to me growing up. When I had my "spiritual awakening" in my 20's, we started to drift apart (or I did), because suddenly that was my whole life, and all I wanted to talk about, and it was like invisible wall between us. I was a drama queen and ended our friendship with a letter. Two years later he approached to me again, and I learnt I made him depressed and suicidal! That was a shock. I didn't think I could matter that much for him. I only thought about myself obviously. We renewed our friendship, and spent wonderful summer together. Soon after that our relationship started to weaken naturally, since I moved away, and also he was the only person in my life who reacted badly when I came out to him. Nowadays he is just another name among my Facebook friends. Then I met this other guy, also a straight male, and the tables have turned: Today he would like to talk about spirituality, I don't. 

Perhaps my goal for the next year should be making a new friend? In my case that really requires magic! 

My drawing

 

Links:

Wikipedia: Heka (god)

Dr. Flora Brooke Anthony: Heka: Understanding Egyptian Magic On Its Own Terms

Thomas Ellison: Magic in the Ancient World: Egyptian Deities and Uses

Ancient Egypt Online: Heka

Joshua J. Mark: Heka

Faith: Its Role and Meaning in a Buddhist Wisdom Tradition

Dharma Data: Faith

Thank You For The Music

 Since it is the high point of the year this weekend, Eurovision Song Contest 2023, in Liverpool, UK, I decided to make more lighthearted post this time. I have been planning for this for long time, and ESC just gave me a good reason to actualize it now. I will post this after we will know the results, and finish the last details. 

Here I'm going to take a look at musical influences in my life. My taste is very broad, from some classical music to metal, from electric pop to rock. I don't care what genre it is, I just know if I like it, and I'm proud that at my age I'm not stuck with nostalgia: I still always try to find something new. I try to keep this short, and only focus on the most essential, so remember it's a small proportion of wide variety. You can check my YouTube Channel (see the sidebar), and my playlists for more.

So, as a child my first musical interest was Elvis Presley. I'm almost ashamed to admit that, but I didn't know anything yet. But soon, as a teen of the 1980's, I became a fan of Hanoi Rocks - Finland's first international success story. They never quite made it, because at the critical moment their drummer died in car crash on tour in the USA 1984, in a car driven by Vince Neil of Motley Crue. But they still had a huge influence on other bands of an era, and gathered a cult following. Their singer, Michael Monroe, has continued on successful international solo career, and last year he celebrated his 60th birthday with huge concert in Helsinki, where original line up of Hanoi Rocks also performed. People came to see it from abroad too. To be honest, I don't really listen to his music nowadays, but as 53 years old myself, I find him very inspiring person: He can still ROCK, and he has always dared to be himself! (And still  looks amazing!) He is the living legend, and very much liked in Finland. Following sample I chose from their 1983 album, "Back to Mystery City": 

Hanoi Rocks: "Until I get you" live 1983 

Michael Monroe 60th Birthday Bash 23.9.2022: Hanoi Rocks - Tragedy

This year we got the new release of the second studio album of Hanoi Rocks, Oriental Beat - 40th Anniversary The Re(al)mix. (See Wikipedia: Oriental Beat)

Update 13.6.23: I just have to add this global news few days ago; Michael finally met Vince Neil on June 2023 at festival in Finland, and he himself wrote: "One of the most important moments of my life was meeting Vince Neil for the first time last night. Razzle [Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley] always wanted us to meet as he thought 'us singers' were a lot alike. Under different circumstances both bands probably would've ended up as good friends, but fate had other plans... Thank you for your time, Vince. We didn't say much but your eyes told me more than 1000 words ever could. And your singing was great at the show. Nice to finally see you guys live!" - That's Michael, that's the sort of guy he is! 

Vince Neil and Michael Monroe

Of course in 1980's I listened to all sorts of music, including international top artists and bands, like Duran Duran, Culture Club, Eurythmics... (God, I'm old! 😄) Music, along with some movies and Tv-shows, was the bright side of that era to me; in other aspects my life was very depressing. 

Also, I remember first time watching Eurovision Song Contest in the 1980's, but it was quite different back then: so rigid and boring. Although, I don't think there is any doubt that ABBA is the most successful winner of the contest ever, and that was already in the 70's! (Title of this post is a name of one of their songs, you know.)

I didn't watch it every year. Nowadays it is THE ULTIMATE QUEER SHOW! (Or "Gay Paralympics", as someone said.) Live performance, costumes, dancers, lights, pyro... all that is important as well. It is so unpredictable: sometimes the winner is very artsy (and I don't really like that kind), sometimes it is more campy, and everything in between. That's diversity! You never know what people will like this year. It's never "the same old". Juries in each country give their points first in Grand Final, but public vote often changes everything. I have been watching ESC regularly only after I met my husband in 2016, because he is a big fan! 

For a while in the 1990's, when I had my "spiritual awakening", so to speak, I listened to a lot of New Age music, but soon there was a short period when I only listened to classical music, and that was because I was a member of cult, and they said popular music is bad for you ("rock is satanic", and all that shit... but New Age music was considered bad as well).

When I had to bury my late partner, and later my mother, it was my wish that at both funerals they played Albinoni's Adagio in G minor (which in fact was not composed by Albinoni) for opening, and J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of man's desiring" BMW 147 for closing. First, melancholic tunes in the beginning, and then almost hopeful tone in the end. That's life. 

When I started to listen to pop and rock in the 1990's again, after meeting my late partner, and leaving that cult, there was a lot of excellent music on that decade, as we all know. The one song that summarizes all that, is the world wide hit from Finland, Sandstorm by Darude. Not long ago I visited with my husband, who was born in 1991, a museum exhibition of the 1990's, and this was the song they played there:

Darude: Sandstorm (1999)

In 2001, Finnish world-famous rock band, The Rasmus, published their album Into, and I was very much into it. I saw them live many times. However, the next album didn't impress me that much, they changed their style to darker, and my enthusiasm faded. Last year they represented Finland in ESC, but didn't reach very high. 

The Rasmus: F-F-F-Falling (2001)

And then the moment came when Finland finally won ESC in 2006, with monster band Lordi and their song, "Hard Rock Hallelujah": certainly one of the most memorable acts in the history of ESC until this day: 

Lordi: Hard Rock Hallelujah at ESC 2006

In 2019 Hatari represented Iceland with their song, Hatrid mun sigra ("hate will prevail"), and suddenly I became a FAN. You can like many kinds of music, but being a true fan is rare, to me anyway; I would say it's almost like a religious experience. I saw them on gig in Helsinki that same year, and again after Covid in 2022. On March 2023 we were told that band's screamer, Matthias, is leaving. It was very sad news. How could they continue without him? I made a poster of one photo taken in Helsinki in remembrance. My unpopular opinion, which I haven't dared to put into words before this, is that I could sense on October 2022 that something was different: They performed very well, and quality of the sound was much better than the last time, but some chemistry, vibe, energy... whatever... that I felt in 2019 was lacking. They already knew about Matthias, and he soon told in interview that he didn't enjoy performing anymore. 

This is the picture I made a poster of: Klemens
and Matthias (Einar in drums in the background)
performing "Soda Ritual".

I just loved the fact that they sing in their native tongue! See: Hatari translations. They don't have a single song I wouldn't like. 

Hatari: Hatrid mun sigra at ESC 2019

Amazingly enough, ESC 2023 introduced me a new band I immediately started to follow: Lord of the Lost from Germany! They already have a long history and many albums. I have been aware of them, but never payed attention. This is the power of ESC! Yes, I can say I am a fan now: Can't wait to see them live! Hatari and Lord of the Lost are very different, but there is one common word to describe their music, and that is "industrial", whatever that means... 

Lord of the Lost: Blood & Glitter

This year at ESC the international hype around Finland's Käärijä has been massive. Even in my hometown they lighted the centre with green lights in support of him. I personally remained quite neutral. It's one song. Who had heard of Käärijä even in Finland before this? Of course I sincerely hoped Finland would win, it would be about time to redo it. I supported Germany and voted for them (this year it's been made possible to vote all around the world, outside of ESC participants too - you can't vote for your own country obviously, unless you are located in some other country). Lord of the Lost - who have connections to Finland - even made a cover of Käärijä's song in Finnish, and in my opinion it's better than the original (go find it on YouTube!). For the show I wore red instead of green, and put a golden glitter on my face. But for the first time in my life I bought a bottle of real Champagne... and I'm not going to waste it by pouring it on myself, as in lyrics of Cha Cha Cha (see them in English). Unfortunately, Germany was the last; still, it was a gain for myself (new favorite band; So, gain for them as well - new fans!). Nevertheless, Käärijä came second; Loreen from Sweden won. This time it was Jury points that made a difference. That was our second best place ever! But I know many people in Finland will think that was a loss; that's just the nature of this nation. But Käärijä has ascended to Eurovision hall of fame forever! Anyway, it will take a long, long time for us to beat this result, I'm afraid not in my lifetime, and that's why I am a little disappointed. It was very contradictory experience, and hopefully I will recover by next year, but meanwhile I feel like I don't even want to hear about ESC! 

One week later (21.5.2023): I just have to add that now that we have seen Käärijä breaking all the records, I can only be proud of him, and proud of being Finn! He did win... hearts of people. 💚💚💚

Käärijä: Cha Cha Cha

If I should pick up one artist singing in Finnish whom I really like, that's easy: It is Olavi Uusivirta, singer - song writer, and actor. This song is quite old already (2006), but it's very touching; Hautalaulu ("Gravesong"). See lyrics in English. He's got more rocking tunes too. It's a shame I am yet to see him live; his live performances are praised. 

Olavi Uusivirta: Hautalaulu 

American Song Contest in 2022 was based on Eurovision Song Contest. It was shown on Finnish television as well, but I didn't watch it: it's not the same at all! I like to watch videos where Americans react to European things, and ESC is definitely one of my favorite subjects! 

But not all Americans are unaware of ESC: On YouTube I follow American drag queen Maxxy Rainbow, who is a big fan of ESC: he/she was in Italy last year, and now in Liverpool. I just love how excited and emotional he/she is about everything! That's an example of real ESC fan for all of us! Check out his/her YouTube Channel: Maxxy Rainbow ESC. 

Personally, I'm not musical at all. One time in my youth I have sung Karaoke, and that was also the last time ever, I promise! However, to include Buddhism/spirituality in this post, Tina Turner has said: 

"Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is a song. In the Soka Gakkai tradition we are taught how to sing it. It is a sound and a rhythm and it touches a place inside you. That place we try to reach is the subconscious mind. I believe that it is the highest place and, if you communicate with it, that is when you receive information on what to do. Singing a song can make you cry. Singing a song can make you happy. That’s spirit—the spirit inside of you."

It is true, it actually feels like singing. If I start chanting after I have listened to music I like, I feel like that same energy music gave me, is coming forth from myself, it is uniting two experiences following one another as one.  In 2020 Daimoku (Nam-myoho-renge-kyo) was part of Azerbaijan's Eurovision entry, Cleopatra. My husband was especially excited to point out this fact to me, and he still reminds me of it at times! Somehow it validated my practice for him, so I'm glad about the song, even if it feels a little forced and random how mantra is included, to add some mystical vibe. Sadly, that was the year contest was cancelled because of Pandemic. 

Efendi: Cleopatra (ESC Azerbaijan 2020)

Esoterism in Finland

My drawing from the 1990's

I came across this video, Finnish Theosophist and Rosicrucian Antti Savinainen (who has Ph.D. in physics) is being interviewed by Quest Magazine editor Richard Smoley from American Theosophical Society. Topics include Pekka Ervast, his form of esoteric Christianity, and spiritual interpretation of  Kalevala. 

My link lists on the sidebar contain Pekka Ervast and Kalevala, for those who want to find out more. Also, I have personally translated many years ago some brief writings by Pekka Ervast for this blog:

Pekka Ervast: The Prayer of Jesus

Pekka Ervast: Rosy Cross as a Symbol

Pekka Ervast: No Religion is Higher than Truth

Pekka Ervast: Small Rosy Cross Catechism

Furthermore, I have collected some writings using his ideas: 

Reflections on the Problem of Evil according to Pekka Ervast

Independence Day

The Birth of Christ; Some indications from Pekka Ervast

Have Faith!

Hell

Life after Death

Exploring the Rich Esoteric Heritage of Finland (1 hr)

Earlier, I have shared another video: "Document on Finnish Esoteric Organizations." 

And after that, I published a critical article called, "Western Esoterism vs. Buddhism."

I could conclude that the benefit of Theosophical movement was to bring Eastern philosophy for wider audience in the West. Yet its downside was to confuse the ideas of Buddhism and Hinduism, and claim that "these two mean the same." It is not true. 

Just like my (esoteric) Christian friend - the one I wrote about in previous post - recently told me, he had heard a young Rosicrucian say that morals is the one thing uniting the world religions. However, it doesn't matter what someone said, everyone has their own perspective, and morals is precisely the one thing that separates me and my friend. It's never been the point for me. I don't think it's even necessary to find uniting factors in religions. It is simply humanity that unites us, and a religion in itself is very human thing. 

See also: Seekers of the New Research Project

Beyond Words

 

In my Finnish blog I often refer to one particular friend of mine, a straight male and Christian. I have known him for 20 years, and he has always been the one I often have a hard time with. Always. Only him and no one else. So, we've had conflicts over the years, nothing has really changed in that respect, but since I left Christianity, it particularly seems to trouble him, and that in turn is a pain in my neck. Things have escalated really bad this time, and it's been a year already! About year ago, he sent me an e-mail, a long list of questions. First, let me just say that as a Christian, he is an esotericist, who believes in reincarnation (just like I was too); Yet, simultaneously, he is morally extremely conservative (as much as I am liberal). Those two things sometimes seem to be in conflict, and it's not just my opinion: I can see it in his personality, and how it's affecting him. He has actually lost relationships among more traditional Christians in the past, because of his personal beliefs. (And I'm not saying there aren't esoteric movements, which are very conservative: I once belonged to one myself. But usually they are more open, accepting, and free, than many mainstream Christian denominations.) 

Have you replaced one religion with another?

When I came to Christianity, I actually consciously replaced one religion (Gnosticism) with another (my previous post, New Revelations, touches that briefly). Over 10 years later, I renounced Christianity, and when my partner suddenly died, I had no religion at all. There was nothing to be replaced. Then I awakened to Buddhism through inner, mystical experience, and as I studied these things I realized, this is how I'm pretty much already thinking. 

Finnish Lutheran Vicar, Voitto Viro - bold seeker for truth - wrote in the 1970's: "It is right to accept this attitude: If you show me the truth, that will convince my spirit with greater absoluteness than the truth lightened by Jesus, alright then: My spirit binds me to be loyal to that truth, which bestows the deepest freedom." 

I have been wondering why we no longer talk about these things, but when I was pondering his questions, I already began to get tired. 

He has repeatedly said that I "used to read and study a lot", but apparently he thinks I don't anymore, as I read and study different things. And he can't even see that himself. He thinks he's only praising me for my past, when at the same time he's playing down (or completely ignoring) my present. I never exclusively studied Christianity, and now that I'm through with that, it seems superficial that it would matter if you believe in certain claims or not. It's only bookish.

To talk about "deep stuff" for the sake of talking, that's superficial too. He once said he no longer knows what I believe in. Why should he? For me, faith is a private matter. It's hard for me to share my deepest thoughts with anyone, because I feel nobody can understand. Nobody has walked the same path as I have. And why talk about doctrinal questions on theoretical level in the first place? Isn't it a question of life?! The most relevant can never be expressed in words, or shared with anyone: You have to experience that by yourself, and experience is individual for everyone. Isn't it a main point to accept one another, no matter what. It's not supposed to be a competition, where the point is to defeat another one with clever arguments. 

Understandably, I feel frustrated when asked questions I have already answered thoroughly in my blogs. I express myself best in writing, I'm not a good speaker, so I rather don't discuss these things with anyone. I have also touched the problem I see we always have had: When I try to form my ideas of religion - or "spirituality" - into words, it's like writing a poem. But often I see that for him it is like solving a mathematical problem: completely different approach, as if we spoke two different languages. He has told me how important science and especially mathematics has been to him, even as a seeker for truth on the spiritual path. For me, I think art is closer connection to Spirit. So, our greatest difference is not a content of thought, but the whole process how we come to our conclusions. I have always trusted more in my heart, even though I do highly value persons who read a lot, and especially diversely (and he's not one of them!). But it's not enough. Knowledge you learn from a book is not your own, it's borrowed, until you have experience of it (Gnosis). If you say you know something of spirituality, based on your experience, another person can have equally strong experience, that led them to completely different conclusions. Then it only sounds arrogant to emphasize your own knowledge. Many Christian believers act like that, and it makes repulsive impression. "Truth" is very narrow and small if it is some doctrine or idea included in specific religion. 

Seen afterwards, I have walked my way very consistently, step by step: Obviously, I haven't seen at the moment where it was taking me, but every phase was necessary for me, and only for me. There was providence all along. In my perspective and experience, it is odd if a person does not change, and their world view does not seemingly evolve. It is stagnation. 

We have never agreed on many things, to think anything else is just illusion. I have learnt long time ago what I can't say to him, and avoided those things. It is also true that we used to have a connection, but it was nothing said, it was shared spiritual practice that united us. Silence speaks louder than words: words can only separate, silence is unifying. It was natural when we had a formal "group" for few years. We gathered together on regular basis, to pray and meditate. It is more difficult when we meet informally. I have tried to make it clear that if you want to discuss deeply, you should also practice/quiet/meditate for counterbalance. Maybe it's just me who has a need for that. 

I don't think it's wrong that I'd rather talk about these things with someone like-minded - that is, another Nichiren Buddhist - so that we could compare our experiences, and support one another, maybe even practice together. However, nobody's mind is exactly like mine: As an independent practitioner, I have a freedom of choice. Buddhism, just like Christianity, is not one gray monolith. Nichiren Buddhism is a kind of its own, and even among that there are several distinguished schools. Practice is one unifying factor. I couldn't have converted to Buddhism for example in its Theravada form. Added to that, I have my whole spiritual history behind me (see the introduction page of this blog). 

Have you often gone through a crisis, that caused your view to change?

Yes and no. Some crisis may have forced me to change, and it has been a long and painful process, but also sudden inner experience may have changed everything all at once: This is how I became a Buddhist. I was "reborn", so to speak. The most essential thing has never changed, it has only become strengthened and cleared: There is something precious within, "Christ in us", Buddha Nature. 

Are you a Buddhist?

Why this question? How is it not clear to him? I try to think he probably didn't mean it that way, but repeatedly I have a feeling as if he's questioning me. That's another reason why I don't like to talk about these things especially with him. Maybe it's because he tries to analyze everything. I base everything on experience, reasoning is secondary. 

What do you think about NDE? (Near-Death Experience)

I have told him my opinion sometimes. For whatever reason, NDE is very important for him. Maybe he should live a little first. I think it is real per se, yes, and there are a lot of universal characteristics about it, but also characteristics that arise from person's own mind. Tibetan Book of the Dead speaks about this. I always get suspicious the more specific these stories are; Either the Afterlife is described resembling this world, in materialistic manner, or people are meeting entities from their religious sphere, like Jesus. I think death has a lot in common with dreaming, it's not without reason these two have been parallelled in the old days. But it's not meaningful to focus on Afterlife in this life. And to read others' experiences is not the same as to experience it. Already as a child in the 1980's I read about Raymond Moody's research, and before heart surgery in 2019, I did read a book by Anita Moorjani, and that one I liked: especially because she does not come from Western, Christian culture, but Indian Hindu family, and was raised in Hong Kong. Her experience lacked characteristics I find suspicious. 

Do you think Jesus was a historical person?

No serious researcher doubts the historicity of Jesus, neither do I. It doesn't mean more than that. I only want to know Jesus the Man. Like Osho said: "Because you are in the situation of being a Jesus; Christ is just a dream." Christians worship mythical Christ, and don't listen to Jesus. Nevertheless, there is indeed Mystical Christ, and it is within each and every one of us, call it by whatever name; That's the only Christ St. Paul in his epistles is pointing at. 

Is the truth a subjective matter to you?

As Wikipedia article explains, "truth" is not as self-explanatory idea as my friend seems to think. It's very vague concept. I have never understood how casually he uses it, apparently presuming that everyone else will understand it the same way he does. 

Have you always been personally for some orientation or something else?

I don't understand his question. I have always fully been what I have been. That's why change may be painful, even if they are birth pains. 

Is religion or any worldview only a collection of subjective opinions you can change completely? 

Views are man-made. Buddhism does not plead for Divine origin. In fact, I find something that resonates with myself in thoughts of Protagoras, a Greek philosopher (490-420 BCE). See Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Emphasis on Something. Don't take it to mean too much; I haven't profoundly digged into his philosophy. 

What does science mean to you? Is your idea of man compatible with modern science? What about the world view?

I have not especially made myself familiar with science. Does the earth rotate the sun? If he wants to know if I am materialist, then no. That's the short answer. 

Have you preserved anything from Christianity?

Not consciously. But everything I have ever been, is somehow always with me. You can not get rid of it completely. 

What about the things Christianity and Buddhism agree on? I have been glad about the commandments. They are so similar to Christianity. Do you live according to Buddhist commandments/morals/precepts? 

This is finally a topic of great importance. There are no commandments in Buddhism. It's not a teaching of morals. Even I misunderstood that when I used to observe Buddhism from outside as Christian, and actually thought I could grasp other faiths as well. 

"The Buddha questioned many of the assumptions existing in his society, including moral ones, and tried to develop an ethics based upon reason and compassion rather than tradition, superstitions and taboo. Indeed, in the famous Kalama Sutta he says that revelation (anussana), tradition (parampara), the authority of the scriptures (pitakasampada) and one's own point of view (ditthinijjhanakkhanti) are inadequate means of determining right and wrong." (Buddha Net)

It's not even about right or wrong, it's about what is skillful or unskillful. Even to five precepts there are more than meets the eye. My favorite example is sex: Christianity sees a horrible sin, apparently worse than killing, which is quietly approved, and therefore human sexuality needs to be controlled by religious authority. Buddhism does not value marriage or procreation that much, even monogamy is not always so self-evident. I hate moralism in religion, and my friend is a master of that. 

I don't see real similarity between Christianity and Buddhism. Approach is very different. Do I live accordingly? Still: They are not commandments. I support Lotus Sutra. Nichiren Shonin wrote:

“The five characters of Myoho-renge-kyo, the heart of the essential teaching of the Lotus Sutra, contain the benefit amassed through the countless practices and meritorious deeds of all Buddhas throughout the three existences. Then, how can these five characters not include the benefits obtained by observing all of the Buddhas’ precepts? Once the practitioner embraces this perfectly endowed wonderful precept, he cannot break it, even if he should try. It is therefore called the precept of the diamond chalice” 

What kind of idea of man do you have? Do you have a spiritual idea of man?

Idea of man?  Spiritual idea of man? I don't know what to say. I'm not sure what he means by that. Perhaps different aspects of man according to Anthroposophy, because that's what he has read up on. (I used to think like that too.) Spirit and matter are not opposite to each other, apart from each other. 

What do you think about God?

I rather don't use that name burdened with such strong mental images. There is this excellent video (6 min) - Is there God or not? What did Buddha say? 

Perhaps it won't give a kind of direct answer one wants to hear, but perhaps it will make it clear what sort of question one is really asking... 

Next quote is from the novel, The Gardens of Light, by Lebanese author, Amin Maalouf. It's about Prophet Mani, founder of Manichaeism (highly recommendable!). Since I only have read it in Finnish translation, I had to re-translate a quote myself (original text is French):

People think they worship Godhead, even though they only have seen images of it, whether made of wood, gold, alabaster, or presented in painting, or words, or ideas. The one who refuses to see God in images presented to them, may be closer to His true image than others... 

When someone says they love God above all, they are actually saying they love their own concept of "god". I don't think you can even form an idea of the Ultimate Reality, and put it into words. If you say, "God exists", there is this idea and there are words; it's not "truth". You are only scrabbling blind. Not everything you put together is useless, though, like teachings of Buddha; Some of it may be quite applicable while living in this material world as bodily being, but it shouldn't be mistaken as end in itself. The Ultimate Reality is beyond human understanding.

This list of questions seemed more like a test than discussion, and personally I didn't find them relevant. They reminded me of Buddha's parable when he was asked metaphysical questions of the nature of Cosmos... 

It's just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me... until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short... until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored... until I know his home village, town, or city... until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a long bow or a crossbow... until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo threads, sinew, hemp, or bark... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated... until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a langur, or a monkey.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barbed, a calf-toothed, or an oleander arrow.' The man would die and those things would still remain unknown to him.

See Wikipedia: Parable of the Poisoned Arrow.

This year (2023) my friend offered to send me his writing about his "Theology". I refused. For once, I was honest and straightforward about my feelings, and it was received favorably. 

But then he asked me if I have locked in what is true. HE asked me! I could ask him that very question, but I haven't, because I realize how arrogant it sounds like! He might as well continue that he knows what is true. If he remembered what kind of spiritual way I have walked, he should know that I am the very opposite of that! 

If anything, I can thank him for substance he has provided me to perfect my thoughts about these matters, brighter and clearer. While it's true that I identify as Nichiren Buddhist, approve of its basic teachings, and follow its tradition in my practice, I do have my own philosophy, formed by itself through life. Sometimes it's said that Buddhism is not a religion but a philosophy. I think that is one-sided view, probably favored by secular Westerners. I think it depends very much on practitioner, and their School. Buddhism is also a religion. My approach is clearly more religious one than philosophical, and Nichiren Buddhism is perhaps closer to religion than some other Schools, as I see it. Whereas my philosophy seamlessly encloses a religion I practice, it's not emptied by it. My spirituality consists of manifold aspects, since man is manifold creature. 

All the time we pass each other with our words. Repeatedly I have tried to bring up what I think is the most relevant, first suggesting subtly, and later emphasizing, and yet I feel it is ignored, and instead he's clinging to details. Is there already an insurmountable abyss of understanding between us? We are both equally hopeless in this discussion, which is not discussion at all, but arguing. It starts to repeat itself, and leads to nowhere. I don't think he does it on purpose, but he offends me time and again. It doesn't require too many words. I'm aware of my own tendency of malice, and I don't know if I can always avoid it (or if I even want to). 

This is why I don't want to belong to any organization, or go to some group meetings. I just walk my own way, wishing to treasure my own spiritual life in peace. Is it too much to ask? My way is not his way, he doesn't need to understand. That's how I should have answered in the first place. Everything else was unnecessary. Too many words. Unfortunately, I also happen to love words. But often less is more. It's obvious that he's not actually interested to know my truth: he's only looking for affirmation for his own assumptions. Therefore, it's useless to expect that I should be interested: The rest of my life is too short to be wasted on things that mean nothing to me. I've already seen Christianity. 

 I don't think he even understands how tired of this I am. I feel he's interfering with my privacy, and he's extremely biased: his list of questions gave it off. Last year I avoided him for months, and he probably didn't notice. He would hardly notice very soon if I just ceased communication entirely. I don't know why I bother so much, and don't just let it go its natural course. Nothing's permanent anyway. It must be the weight of 20 years of acquaintance. 

But all this because of religion? I guess it is important for him, but is it worth it? If only Creed had united us in the past, then it wouldn't matter, for it is superficial, but I don't think that's all. And it's about 10 years already since I left Christianity. Why so suddenly it's such a big problem? 

I expressed my frustration in harsh words. Far too long I have kept it to myself. Maybe it was hasty, I'm not sure, but I'm actually relieved now that it's all out in the open. The rest is up to his response, or lack thereof. We will see. I'm done for now. I only pray for the best result for both of us, and I don't really know what that is... My most urgent thought, as weird as it may sound, was: Will there be one person less at my funeral. Almost like his absence wouldn't leave a hole in my life, and I'm not sure it would... we have met so randomly in recent years anyway. 

I know I'm not a friend for him. He doesn't need enemies when he's got a "friend" like me. I don't respect his beliefs and values, and he often seems to bring forth the worst in me... I wonder if I see too much of myself in him (and don't like what I see)? I would never confide in him (but who would I confide in, though, unless a professional), and I don't even want to hear about his hardships, because they are always the same, year after year, and I can't say what I think because he wouldn't receive it well. Yes, he was there when I really needed, when my partner died; he was the one who gave me his time, more than anyone else: That was true friendship, and I doubt if I was able to do the same.  However, some good memories are not enough to carry on, so why even try? Is it because it's happened before; I have lost many people I once considered friends, and even by choice. It's been almost too easy to move forward, and leave people behind. But maybe I  have been wrong to assume that if I lose connection with myself, I lose connection with other people, and therefore I should go inward. Maybe it is the other way round: I lose connection with other people (and more comprehensively, with Life itself!) if I withdraw too much, instead of reaching out towards others. 

When we had our group meetings (2009-2012) every other week for couple of hours at the local congregation, other people took part randomly, mostly it was just the two of us, but it worked just fine, and that's what I miss most - deeper connection we had, most likely owing to shared spiritual practice, regardless of doctrines and thoughts (even though I also considered myself a Christian at that time). I was lucky to have a friend, who got involved in my whims with same earnestness, because it was also clear that not many people understood what I wanted to accomplish. 

We started our meetings with tea and free discussion for an hour, another hour was for spiritual practice. We tried various methods. I don't think it matters how you practice, it's the main point that you do. Today I would choose a method which is not tied to one religion. There can be meaningful spirituality and sense of community, without reading the Scriptures and praying to God, among people from various backgrounds, and still there can be symbols and rituals that bring them together. I have watched live streams of worship services of Unitarian Universalist Unity Temple, and I like it a lot. It's not in conflict with Buddhism, there is room for that as well. (In Finland we have association too, but they have dropped "universalism" out of their name, and are just "Unitarians" now; also, based on their website, they seem to be solely attached to Jewish-Christian tradition, and that doesn't appeal to me at all!) 

Is it past, then? In those days we had a white rose as a symbol - one was actually always there in our meetings, in a bowl of water - today I would bring that together (at least on mental level) with a white lotus: Simply because I love symbols; They enliven abstract ideas, and here we have both continuance and evolution. We could meet simply at the coffee shop, and practice tea meditation awhile; we also tried that in our group. It's quite informal, and allows you to pause in silence while enjoying your beverage. There's nothing awkward about silence, it is natural. (Google "Tea meditation", and you will find many inspiring instructions; apply them as you will.) We would absolutely not discuss spiritual theories or speculations whatsoever: Just one human meeting another human. Spirituality can be very narrow and restrictive role sometimes. Why would you rather talk about it, than make a genuine spiritual connection?

Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life.
~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Could we just agree to disagree. We are not interested in same things, so that's not a foundation to build on. This is a paradox: Connection and sharing is possible, also and specially without words. That's what I want to believe in. We should not communicate through e-mail anymore. Internet kind of splits your personality: who you are online, is not who you are in person. If something can not be said face to face, it shouldn't be said at all. The most refreshing meetings between us have been those, when we have just chatted this and that. I have an image in my head, of Jesus and Buddha drinking tea together. I imagine they would have got along just fine. 

From Hikaru Nakamura's manga/anime, Saint Young Men