Meetings with Death

Collage made by me: it depicts how humans have
always meditated on death. Harmony of colors 
pleases my eye.  

In my post, Life Journey, in 2020 I stated that "my funeral one day will be conducted by the rite of The Christian Community anyway", even though I had been Buddhist for two years. But already in 2021 I began to change my mind. In any other context I would eliminate excessive Christian material and references to God. So, it started to bother me more and more that my own conviction wouldn't show, or the "latest version" of me as a result of long evolution, but something that belongs to my past, no matter how nostalgic it is to me, and the funeral rite of The Christian Community is indeed very beautiful: "May Christ be in you... may the light of the land of spirit shine upon you" - these are the only phrases I remember, because they touched me deeply. It is uplifting rather than letting one down (or resurrecting rather than leaving one in the ground). From light you have come, and to light you shall return. 

Whatever is your conviction or how strong it is, above all you are still small and weak human before great questions. And whatever life will bring forth, one day it will end anyway: that is a thought that should put things into right perspective. The death of a loved one strips you bare. So many have gone before me, that I have never feared death less than now. It's unthinkable to me that anything bad would await. 

Importance of Life

Nobody can complete you; you must become whole. Coupling and reproduction are not the meaning of life - except for evolutionary biological point of view. I find it strange that certain religions make it such a big deal; they should be more concerned about spirituality of an individual. Buddhism is a refreshing exception with respect to this as well. Life of an individual always has a meaning, and that meaning is individual. Meaning of life is to LIVE - a life of your own. As 20-something I might have explained about great cosmic purpose of mankind, as I had read from theosophical books, but that is a wrong answer: it has nothing to do with you, right here, right now. 

Nevertheless, I am grateful for my husband. Along these years I have come to notice how similar people we are in essence, and I think that is our secret. The opposites only attract for a while; I have seen that. 

I have only few friends: quality over quantity. Friends have come and gone, and interaction has morphed. The only permanent thing is change. 

I have never been further abroad than in our neighboring country, Sweden. I have never been on airplane. I don't even long for elsewhere. I have rarely left my home town. I have everything I need here. It is a dream come true, as I was raised in a small village in country side. The world is so small today that you don't need to leave home. Your mind will expand, if you are open for it. I'm more inclined towards comfort and safety than adventures and travels, and I appreciate peace and quiet. 

In "Devadatta" chapter of the Lotus Sutra, Shakyamuni Buddha reveals that his cousin and brother-in-law, Devadatta, who tried to kill him several times and take over Buddhist community, was in fact his teacher in previous existence, and in future he too shall become Buddha. For me this narrative primarily tells about importance of this life, and that I do matter just as I am. People always matter: nobody can see everything, all connections and consequences, not even in their own life, let alone in lives of others. Evolution is not always straightforward. Sometimes it goes winding byways, even in one lifetime. Through trials and errors you learn best. Likewise, Nichiren in his letters reminds of the words of Shakyamuni Buddha, that it is very rare and lucky to be born human. You don't need to take it too metaphysically: just that this life is deeply meaningful. 

Zeena Schreck has said: "No doubt, humans will do a lot of damage before we ultimately destroy ourselves. But life will continue without humans. New forms of intelligence will emerge long after this human experiment is over." I agree. And it is not depressing. It's a beautiful and comforting thought in its own peculiar way. In summer nights when you lie down outside staring at the starry sky, it can be extremely thrilling: you feel like an insignificant dust particle in enormous scale of the universe, and you might even fear of disappearing into the infinity. But is it so fearsome after all? One time I visited planetarium, and heard a commentary that we live in "violent and hostile" universe. I wouldn't describe natural conditions and processes like that. We are not just dust... but rather stardust.  

I already know two people who died younger than me, and as a heart patient myself, a thought about death has truly crystallized to me. I have learnt that I will die too. Self-evident fact, you might think, yet so distant and unfamiliar for most of us. It won't prevent me from living, but rather enhances the significance of life. Next I would like to delve deeply into death, as I have met with it: every time was different, but every time was a blessing in disguise.  

I remember as a child I used to ponder what it feels like, when you no longer exist. I scared my friend to tears by insisting that everybody must die, including her mother. At very young age I started to read books about parapsychology, and already at elementary school I wrote an essay, how I'm not afraid of death because I believe that human soul continues living in spirit world. (I was a little embarrassed that I revealed something so personal!) 

When my grandmother died, I was happy I had a valid excuse why I couldn't go to funeral. I guess I felt like people don't understand that she's not really gone. And guess what: she started haunting at my aunt's house where she had lived - many people witnessed footsteps and sighs in the middle of the night. It ended when my aunt asked her to leave. I went to funeral few years later when my cousin committed suicide, even though he was much older and we were never close. Yet that mournful atmosphere was compelling. 

A Sacred Moment

In early 1999 I got a phone call. My father was hospitalized: he had cancer and was only on pain medication; he was in bad condition and couldn't even speak anymore. No idea how many days were left. I felt empty. It kind of hurt me that it didn't hurt me. Last time I saw my father three years back, and we never really talked about anything. He was my father only biologically. I could not lose something I never had in the first place. I spoke with a priest on a phone, and got some good advice; I felt this was a sacred privilege bestowed upon me, and it was my humane obligation to take it.  I borrowed the money and traveled the very next day, empowered after the Mass of my church, The Christian Community (I actually joined the church only later in the end of that year). I hardly recognized my father - he was only a shadow of his former self, but I was prepared for that, so I wasn't too shocked. I told him I bear no ill will and I'm happy... that I'm grateful I still got to see him, that I had been thinking about him and prayed for him. I read him the psalm 23, and I could ever swear his breathing became easier. Then I prayed the Lord's Prayer aloud. Finally, I just stroked his hair and said, "go in peace, when it's time", giving a kiss on his forehead. At least I imagined he reacted like he was moved. 

I felt good. It was beautiful, a sacred moment, like a flash of eternity in time, and just like that, one of a kind, I wanted to carry it with me. I didn't say much, but it was necessary and straight from the heart, not for my sake but for him. The following night my father peacefully passed away. I was thankful thinking that he only waited for me. Again and again I saw in my mind when I said "go in peace" and gave him a kiss. If I had gone there crying how awful it is, it wouldn't have been such harmonious and unitive experience. Hardly anyone could understand that ineffable peace prevailing in my heart. In that brief moment I felt I got such a deep connection to my father, that in a way it kind of voided all those lost years in between. If I cried, I cried for joy. 

Relatives on my father's side, whom I actually didn't know at all, were fussing around. It seemed to me people automatically expect their ossified ways of thinking are universal and apply to everyone. It was obvious for me to respect their grief, but who would have respected my feelings? Probably I would have been misunderstood and considered cold and heartless person for not grieving my father! 

I was not prepared for everything that followed, running around bureaus, taking care of official matters. Everyone said I am the closest relative, and it is my decision; juridically closest, not spiritually, and what was I able to decide? What kind of tombstone there will be, and some people had a nerve to complain about that too: I chose one that reminded me of my father, a simple black stone, with white birch tree. But allegedly it was a problem that it had no cross on it. As if his eternal bliss depended on some stone on earth! It seemed to me people repeat phrases like "now he's in peace", but they haven't digested them themselves. Instead, all this proved to me how firm foundation I had in my worldview, and it worked out in the real world. 

As soon as I got off the bus in my home town, I felt like I was able to breathe freely. I had hardly slept in three nights, but at home I slept peacefully and I was not bothered, as I got distance to center of things. I spoke about my father's death with several people. I started to read the Gospel of John for him, walking by him in spirit. On the funeral day I was afraid I might be carried away with other people's outbursts of feelings, as if violently pushed out of my place, but that didn't happen: while others were sobbing around, I was calm, surprising even myself. At the same time there was the Mass in my congregation, so I figured I was empowered through invisible ways, by the wings of angels. 

Everything was well organised, but I wasn't asked about anything. The Memorial Service was offered by "Association of Peace" of Conservative Laestadians. My father's parents and siblings were members, but he converted back to his childhood faith only when facing death. Thank God! I mean I'm thankful for not being raised within that belief system. It was another problem, that as a child I was afraid of my father; he drank a lot and was often violent towards my mother. Luckily he lived with us for few years only, and was mostly absent from my life. 

Now I let their typical jargon go in one ear and out the other: "You, who still haven't found this only true faith, here it is offered." I just wasn't too happy when a complete stranger came to me weeping, and told I should go to Association of Peace in my home town because... "your father surely would have hoped that you too will be saved!" So I should walk ready made path and not listen to my heart? Honoring the dead has its limits: I can't continue his life, I have life of my own. 

Me 3 y.o.

My father

My father's material inheritance proved to be blessing in many ways, but I don't go to that. In peculiar way I learnt to know my father better and understand him after his death, when I went through his papers - at the same time I learnt to understand myself better and sought help for my own issues. I found some photos of him as a young man I had never seen before, and it was apparent from whom I had inherited my look. Likewise, I found earliest photos of myself, at the age of three. After his death I also started volunteer work at the hospice for many years. 

Uncanny Connection of Fate

During the following 16 years, I had a sad privilege to accompany four beloved cats in turn on their final journey over the rainbow bridge. Each one of them had a proper Christian memorial service I composed of various sources. 

Our 4 beloved cats, art by me (Paint)

Yet nothing prepared me for the sudden death of my partner in 2015; before that I knew absolutely nothing about facing the death. That story is told in my post, "Through Death to Love" (unlike I say in the beginning, I later did write a similar post in Finnish! Usually it is the other way around, first Finnish, then English). 

I on the right and my late partner

In my post in 2019 I mentioned I will blog about my heart surgery, "hopefully in near future". I never did. But now this is where it is appropriate for. My condition was accidentally found mild in 2013, when I went to see a doctor for another issue. It was exactly the same valvular defect my partner had! Next check was in 2016, and it was medium severe. Again, a couple of years went by, and cardiologist told me what I didn't want to hear: it was of difficult degree, and if I don't consent to surgery, chamber will be damaged sooner or later, and it leads to death. The death of my partner was obviously haunting in back of my mind, but I was not him: he already had had a lung surgery previously, he got depressed and kept asking, "why always me?" He drank more and more - what you should not do - didn't go to weekly medicine controls, didn't go to dentist but took pain killers (oral health is essential!), and he started to avoid all stress so that he hardly moved anymore, and gained a lot of weight. It shouldn't have been surprise that his heart finally failed. 

I immediately quit random smoking when I heard the news. Drinking has never been an issue for me. In back of my mind I was aware I might die, but I had better preconditions to survive than my partner ever had. And possibility of death is always present, it is just a natural part of life! Yet I was kind of surprised when a surgeon said this is one of the biggest operations one can have (open heart surgery, where your heart is paused - for 2,5 hours that was!), and there is a possibility to perish during or after. I guess I "knew" it but didn't actually realize it before. However, I'm grateful it was said straightforward. I understand why people I knew kept saying, "it will go well, they know what they are doing." But I don't think it was fully realistic, no matter how well-meaning it was. 

Same defect was very uncanny connection of fate, but it was karma which brought us together in the first place. You might even say we were one at heart (and equally broken). His death was to me initiation of spirit, Baptism of mental agony and tears, that pushed me forward by giant leap. This was to be initiation of body, Baptism of physical pain and blood I might need to grow further, facing my own fragility and mortality. Couple of hours before the year 2019 began, I did my Buddhist practice, and what enormous empowerment, gratefulness and trust I felt, knowing what trials would come. The Christian Community was kind of shared find for me and my partner then, now I would face this with something of my own. It's not "why me?", but rather "why not me too", just like anyone else. There are always worse illnesses and greater sufferings. If it was karma that brought us together, here I see it discharging: my fate goes different direction. You shape your destiny, and it's up to your attitude. My positive attitude was very crucial, that can't be emphasized too much! 

My operation was on April 30th 2019. For couple of months before that in my daily Gongyo, I dedicated my practice for successful operation and full recovery. I also sent reiki to myself for operation and convalescence. For two weeks before surgery, every night I burnt Spikenard oil in aroma lamp. It is calming, but because Jesus was anointed with it for death, I used it for preparation as well. I wasn't going to die, but I could not be sure. 

Sometimes I felt like some vague presentiment was trying to break out of darkness of subconsciousness, and just a hunch was so frightening, so oppressive, that I quickly turned it down and suppressed it, because I didn't want to know anything about it. Probably it was nothing rational anyway, but something primitive. Weird thing is, I first felt like that years before surgery, and it was triggered by religious symbol I saw online. In my conscious mind I wasn't too nervous before surgery, but I could feel distress in my body.

Four months sick leave totally. I just have to say I'm happy we have universal health care and good social security in Finland. All costs were reasonable, and I could manage them. Today everything is fine, my heart is in good shape, I'm well. I eat healthier than before, and exorcise regularly. Life is good!

Thank you, sorry and goodbye!

My mother

Then my mother died in 2021. She was hospitalized in September. I was used to her having these periods for few days, and lately they seemed to have increased, but this time it prolonged for three weeks. Treatment finally started to be effective, a doctor told me on a phone, but the very next morning I was called that she was found lifeless in her bed. It was a surprise even for a doctor. I was ashamed I never visited her in the hospital: one should never think there is still time. After work I went to the chapel, where her body was laid out for me. First and last I chanted Daimoku [explained further below] three times with gassho 🙏 and bow. I told her, "thank you, sorry and goodbye, dear mother", and words I quoted earlier, "May Christ be in you; May the light of the land of Spirit shine upon you." I meditated for half an hour before her body, looking at her lifeless face, and kissed her cold forehead. 

I strongly recommend that everyone should at least see their deceased loved one. It's just as natural as a new born baby, and a healthy reminder. Form was empty: a flame enlivening it was gone - not extinguished, just gone. It was almost hard to recognize her - because it was not her! It was no longer somebody, but something that was used by somebody before. It's not fear you feel before the ultimate questions, but deep respect before the Majesty of Life (and Death). Why fear something that comes to all of us, just as naturally as we were born into this world. We are all equal in death, all cross the threshold equally alone. Death won't segregate, and I don't think we are divided in different places or treated differently. Many of us may have definite thoughts of what will happen, but the fact is that nobody really knows, and it's stupid arrogance if you can't acknowledge this! 

I only cried on the first day, but I found it positive that it hurt more than I expected. I felt like my roots were torn off. After that, awareness moved from feelings to thinking, and all concerns caused by this. I'm always worried and always everything goes just fine. Now it was only momentary feeling that the Veil between two worlds was thinner, which was very strong after my partner died, but the difference was that then I actively reached out for him. This was expected, even if it got me by surprise. It's only natural that children bury their parents. This death didn't stop me, shock me or change my life. It was just part of life. 

I never had a relationship with my father, but his family helped organizing the funeral, and he had lot of savings to cover the expenses, and more. With my partner we had not formalized our relationship: his father mainly took care of things and paid everything. But I got to make decisions that mattered. Now for the first time I had to take full responsibility for everything, and my mother was a poor pensioner. However, it turned out that situation was not quite as bad as I imagined: there was enough on her bank account to cover the expenses for cheapest option I found. I was grateful: once again I should not have doubted that the universe works in my favor. 

I put a photograph of my mother on my altar, and dedicated my daily practice for her for 49 days - a Buddhist mourning period, that strangely ended on her birthday on December 4th! Of course I do realize: too little too late. Even though I believe in spiritual practice, I could have done much more for her when she was alive. It's just like praying for someone in need, instead of helping them in concrete way. A sincere good will is half of the process, but it stays halfway, a beautiful thought, unless it is embodied in good deeds.  

Her funeral was in Lutheran church, because she was always a member, even though I don't know her beliefs. It was natural for me to choose the same pieces of music as in my partner's funeral: in the beginning, Adagio in G Minor by Albinoni:

In between, my favorite Finnish Lutheran hymn, "Herra kädelläsi" (Lord on Thy hand). I have sweet memories related to that. This version below is performed by Finnish pop artist, Jenni Vartiainen. It is joyful, and the last verse speaks of death (my translation): 

Lord on Thy hand
I lay down my head in sleep
You call your friend to rest
Hand will carry me
to new life
giving me peace forever, I stay in light
It is my happiness to be
close to the Lord
I can resort to God alone
It is my happiness to be
close to the Lord
I want to sing about His deeds

Last we heard Bach's Cantata 147, "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring":

We started with solemn and melancholic mood, and ended with hopeful, uplifting melody. In between there was room for whole  spectrum of emotions. It didn't feel too burdensome at any point, but when Bach began to play, I felt lightened. For reading I chose the Psalm 23, which I have always liked. "A beautiful and simple service", someone said. Like my mother. She left like she lived. And it suits for me as well. In fact, I want something even simpler for myself [see below]! 

The Memorial Service

I was insecure if I could leave it to my loved ones, presuming they are able and willing to take care of my funeral on their own, according to my wishes. Then again, I know that in Soka Gakkai International lay members, since it is a lay movement, conduct funerals for members. Sometimes even relatives, if they were also members, may lead the ceremony. So it is not too much to expect. My loved ones are not Buddhists, but neither they have nothing against it. 

I wish my old printed Gohonzon is placed upon my chest in coffin, and fragrant sandalwood chips (that I have) are sprinkled around the body. I came up with this idea independently, and only when Thich Nhat Hahn died in 2022, I saw there actually is a practice of covering the body with sandalwood chips (I have to settle for less). 

I have composed this ritual for myself, according to my mind, because I am an independent practitioner, and don't belong to any Buddhist organization because of my choice. This unofficial ritual will replace any other ceremonies, and it is performed after cremation at home, with those few loved ones who can and will attend. Virtual participation is possible for those who can not come (I myself took part in two funerals of a relative remotely, holding my Buddhist practice at the same time, and sending a white rose for the event: thus I was truly there in spirit, it was not a mere expression), but it is recommendable to gather together. People can donate for charity: rescue cats are close to my heart (I've had many)! In Buddhism, it is seen as an offering for the deceased. 

I wish my altar is maintained at least for 49 days - a Buddhist mourning period, and in any case until this ritual can be performed. A candle, an incense stick, a beautiful memory, a good thought, maybe even mantra, Namu Myoho Renge Kyo, three times daily...

Portrait of me (1997)

Chairs are arranged facing the altar. Phones are muted. There are fresh water and fruit offerings on the altar. My portrait is on display, and so is the urn. Participants may each bring a one single white rose, and they are put in vase. Gohonzon, "the object of devotion", Nichiren's calligraphic mandala, is revealed. Candles are lit. People bow to the Gohonzon with hands in gassho 🙏. Everyone may offer an incense stick. They may sit. The singing bowl is stricken five times. 

Selected quotes are read aloud. 

Reading loud:

Through this act of love, may __.__ enjoy the positive conditions, high rebirth, happiness and peace. May he meet the perfect teacher, and quickly attain perfect enlightenment for the benefit of all living beings without exception. 

[Above formula I have used in my practice while commemorating the deceased relatives. In addition, words below are from Sylvain Chamberlain-Nyudo...] 

Also, we pray and meditate deeply that all the positive causes made by the deceased, live long and impact widely all those sentient beings they touch, and that any remaining negative effects are dissipated and minimized through our own sincere effort and meditations.

[Most of the service is in form of videos, so that everything is as easy as possible. I learnt my practice through YouTube videos, so it is just natural continuation.]

Refuge 

[I added the refuge in my Gongyo in 2024 to be in touch with the mainstream Buddhist tradition. It is part, for one, of Rissho Kosei-kai sutra recitations, which is one Nichiren Buddhist school. "I take refuge in Buddha": Shakyamuni Buddha is eternal through his teachings, and we aspire to manifest our own inherent Buddhahood. "I take refuge in Dharma" - the teachings: in Japanese, ho, "the Law", truth about life and universe, and Buddha's teachings concerning it; in Nichiren Buddhism it is especially the Lotus Sutra and Namu Myoho Renge Kyo. "I take refuge in Sangha" - the community: for me as an independent practitioner, this is Nichiren Shonin, and the chain of his millions of followers throughout the centuries, with which I'm united by the common practice.]

Reading loud: 

How long does a lifetime last? If one stops to consider, it is like a single night's lodging at a wayside inn. Should one forget that fact and seek some measure of worldly fame and profit? Though you may simply gain them, they will be mere prosperity in a dream, a delight scarcely to be prized. You would do better simply to leave such matters to the karma formed in your previous existences. Once you awaken to the uncertainty and transience of this world, you will find endless examples confronting your eyes and filling your ears. Vanished like clouds of rain, the people of past ages have left nothing but their names. Fading away like dew, drifting far off like smoke, our friends of today too disappear from sight. Should you suppose that you alone can somehow remain forever like the clouds over Mount Mikasa? The spring blossoms depart with the wind; maple leaves turn red in autumn showers. All are proof that no living thing can stay for long in this world. Therefore, the Lotus Sutra counsels us, "Nothing in this world is lasting or firm but all are like bubbles, foam, heat shimmer."

The life of a human being is fleeting. The exhaled breath never waits for the inhaled one. Even dew before the wind is hardly a sufficient metaphor. It is the way of the world that whether one is wise or foolish, old or young, one never knows what will happen to one from one moment to the next. Therefore I should first of all learn about death, and then about other things.

The Nirvana Sutra states, "Human life runs its course more swiftly than a mountain stream; the person here today will not likely be here tomorrow." The Maya Sutra reads, "Imagine, for instance, a flock of sheep being driven by a chandala to the slaughterhouse. Human life is exactly the same; step by step one approaches the place of death." 

The most dreadful things in the world are the pain of fire, the flashing of swords, and the shadow of death. Even horses and cattle fear being killed; no wonder human beings are afraid of death. Even a leper clings to life; how much more so a healthy person. 

It is the way of the world that birth and death are the eternally unchanging characteristics of life throughout the three existences of the past, present and future. This is nothing to grieve over or be surprised at. 

Since your deceased husband was a votary of this sutra, he doubtless attained Buddhahood as he was. You need not grieve so much over his passing. But to grieve is natural, since you are an ordinary person. Even sages are sometimes sad. Although Shakyamuni Buddha’s greatest disciples had been awakened to the truth of life, they could not help lamenting his passing. Perhaps they behaved as ordinary people do. By all means perform as much good as you possibly can for the sake of your deceased husband.

- Nichiren 

Gongyo 

["To exert oneself in practice", a short ceremony twice a day. Two parts of the Lotus Sutra are recited in Sino-Japanese, and Daimoku, the sacred title of the Lotus Sutra, is repeated. The Sutra recitation below is from Rissho Kosei-kai, and Daimoku is from Nichiren Shu, two separate Nichiren Buddhist schools.]

The Lotus Sutra

[Namu Myoho Renge Kyo: "Devotion/Homage to the Mystic Law/Wonderful Dharma of the Lotus Sutra". Some schools of Nichiren Buddhism use short form of "Nam"; it's not wrong, but nowadays I use full form of "Namu". Participants may chant here in unison, hands in gassho gesture...]

Daimoku

[So called "silent prayers" are included in SGI Gongyo (I use them too, but my prayers - or meditations - are inspired by other independent practitioners, often former SGI members), and one of them is a prayer for the deceased. So, at this point people present may silently in their minds offer a prayer/blessing/wish in their own words, as a moment of silent pause is taken.]

Four Bodhisattva Vows

[In 2024 I also added four Bodhisattva vows to my Gongyo; they are part of Nichiren Shu style of liturgy. According to the Lotus Sutra, we are the Bodhisattvas of the earth. This is a song in English by brother ChiSing: "Countless beings we vow to save; ceaseless afflictions we vow to end; limitless Dharma doors we vow to open; the highest path of awakening we vow to realize." In Nichiren Shu liturgy it goes like this: "Sentient beings are innumerable: I vow to save them all. Our evil desires are inexhaustible: I vow to quench them all. The Buddha's teachings are immeasurable: I vow to study them all. The way of the Buddha is unexcelled: I vow to attain the Path Sublime."]

Reading loud: 

The Thus Come One perceives the true aspect of the threefold world exactly as it is. There is no ebb or flow of birth and death, and there is no existing in this world and later entering extinction. It is neither substantial nor empty, neither consistent nor diverse. Nor is it what those who dwell in the threefold world perceive it to be. All such things the Thus Come One sees clearly and without error.

- The Lotus Sutra

[In sutras Buddha often calls himself and other buddhas "Tathagata", the Thus Come One. The threefold world is the world of unenlightened beings we live in, consisting of the world of desire, the world of form, and the world of formlessness.]

The fourth volume of the Lotus Sutra states: ‘If one can uphold this [sutra], he will be upholding the Buddha’s body.’ Neither the pure land nor hell exists outside ourselves; both lie within our own hearts. Awakened to this truth, one is called a Buddha; deluded about it, one is called a common mortal. The Lotus Sutra reveals this truth, and one who embraces the Lotus Sutra will realize that hell is itself the Land of Tranquil Light.

Be resolved to summon forth the great power of faith, and chant Namu-myoho-renge-kyo with the prayer that your faith will be steadfast and correct at the moment of death. Never seek any other way to inherit the ultimate Law of life and death, and manifest it in your life. Only then will you realize that earthly desires are enlightenment, and that the sufferings of birth and death are nirvana.

For one who summons up one’s faith and chants Namu-myoho-renge-kyo with the profound insight that now is the last moment of one’s life, the sutra proclaims: “When the lives of these persons come to an end, they will be received into the hands of a thousand Buddhas, who will free them from all fear and keep them from falling into the evil paths of existence.” How can we possibly hold back our tears at the inexpressible joy of knowing that... as many as a thousand Buddhas will come to greet us with open arms!

- Nichiren 

The singing bowl is stricken three times. 

 See also: English summary of my other blog, about Nichiren Buddhism.

 Afterwards, beverage and snacks are served. A potluck might be a good idea. People can share their memories. Certain memorabilia may be distributed among them, including my jewelry, books, drawings, and possibly old photos if anyone cares. 

 

My Angel is my Demon

 H.P. Blavatsky wrote in her Secret Doctrine:

Esoteric philosophy admits neither good nor evil per se, as existing independently in nature. The cause for both is found, as regards the Kosmos, in the necessity of contraries or contrasts, and with respect to man, in his human nature, his ignorance and passions. There is no devil or the utterly depraved, as there are no Angels absolutely perfect, though there may be spirits of Light and of Darkness; thus LUCIFER - the spirit of Intellectual Enlightenment and Freedom of Thought - is metaphorically the guiding beacon, which helps man to find his way through the rocks and sandbanks of Life, for Lucifer is the LOGOS in his highest, and the "Adversary" in his lowest aspect - both of which are reflected in our Ego.

(Lucifer The Lightbringer)

My previous posts on this subject in this blog:

Satan Loves You!

My Visit on the "Dark Side"

Alexandre Cabanel: Fallen Angel, 1847

I heartily sympathize with The Satanic Temple, which is working in Finland too. I follow Lilith Starr, an official minister of TST, and find her a positive model of modern satanist. In other words, as long as conviction is real, whether you believed in such an entity or not, and it's not merely titular busy work, a kind of "Halloween-Satanism". Or as Lilith once posted on Facebook: "TST is a religion and not just an all-purpose activist group anyone can use for their own pet projects." 

Lilith Starr is an author of two books: Compassionate Satanism - An Introduction to Modern Satanic Practice, and The Happy Satanist - Finding Self-Empowerment.  She has showcased her home altar, as well as her daily dedication ritual. She writes: "Having a space deliberately set aside to represent your Satanic path can help remind you of that path on a daily basis, provide a place for meditation or contemplation, serve as a focal point for rituals, and any other purpose for which you find it useful." A ritual goes like this:

Baphomet by Eliphas Levi

[Light candle.] Ave Satanas! [Ring bell.]
Let the Light of Lucifer guide my mind.
Let the strength of Satan embolden my will.
Let the work of justice and compassion be done through my hands.
Let the strands of great dark web run through my heart.
I vow to walk the Satanic path with full devotion, in every breath, every moment.
And so it is.
[Ring bell.] Hail Satan! [Extinguish candle.]

I'm not very convinced of the work of Finnish Congregation yet; they sell merchandise and donate for charity. OK. Great. However... in Finland we live in completely different social circumstances compared to the United States, in our favor - thank God (or Satan)! Yet a lot more could be done for freedom of religion here as well. 

TST gave this public invocation on April 23, 2024, for Ottawa County Board, while Christians protested outside the building:

Let us stand now, unbound and unfettered by arcane doctrines born of fearful minds in darkened times. Let us embrace the Luciferian impulse to eat of the tree of knowledge and dissipate our blissful and comforting delusions of old. Let us demand that individual be judged for their concrete actions, not their fealty to arbitrary social norms and illusory categorizations. Let us reason our solutions with agnosticism in all days, holding fast only to that which is demonstrably true. Let us stand firm against any and all arbitrary authority that threatens the personal sovereignty of one or of all. That which will not bend must break, and that which can be destroyed by truth should never be spared its demise. It is done. Hail Satan.

I translated and shared that because it was so impressive, and I couldn't agree more. 

I used to listen to Finnish podcast by atheist Satanists close to TST but not associated with it, and in one episode they talked about theistic Satanism, particularly its largest representative in Finland, Star of Azazel, which seeks to unite the right hand and the left hand paths, and interprets Satanism through theosophy, and that episode was just low crap! It was weird how they accused Star of Azazel of arrogance towards atheistic Satanists - which I haven't noticed - yet they showed extreme arrogance themselves! This was also discussed on forum of SoA, and podcast makers saw that; in next episode a "clever" lampoon was read. Intellect is very "Satanic" quality, and in this case SoA demonstrated that better... even if you disagreed how it should be used. Even I think that mixing God and Jesus to concoction with Satanism is strange at least: the whole point as I see it, is to detach oneself from Christianity (even if without Christianity there was no Satanism: it is a countermyth), and it's supposed to annoy and frighten Christians. Baphomet symbol of TST represents dualism, which is strongly present in Christianity, as well as in Western thought in general. It goes off topic, but I suggest you find out what Buddhism teaches about evil and "the devil", Mara; also, ideas of C.G. Jung are worth checking out. 

It's not beneficial for anybody to be an asshole. To criticize something with insufficient knowledge is just prejudiced. I have genuinely personal experience and inside knowledge on many spiritual or religious matters, and that justifies my criticism. In later episode of podcast they had a Laveyan Satanist as a guest, as that was also something they often criticized. [Church of Satan Vs. The Satanic Temple] She corrected many misconceptions. Nevertheless, one podcast host continued dismissive and mocking name-calling of Anton LaVey in future episodes. I'm not his number one fan, but I do recognize his merits, one of which might be the fact that he didn't take it all too seriously! I rather admire his daughter, Zeena Schreck, who renounced Satanism long time ago. I totally lost my interest in that podcast. I expect more from Satanists too, whether they are atheists or theists, but then again... can you expect much from people?

Likewise, I saw an episode of Finnish TV show with Satanism theme. First, there were two people from Star of Azazel, and then atheist-feminist-Satanist, not affiliated with any organization, as far as I understood. Concerning the latter one, I came to same conclusion as the host of the show: if anyone can be "Satanist" and Satanism can be anything, there is nothing much to grasp, whereas both philosophical and devotional foundation of Star of Azazel seems pretty solid, regardless of what you think about it.

Only the fourth tenet of TST made me a little doubtful: "The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend." This sounded like American style of freedom of speech, which we don't need. I think it is good that in Finland we have a law against "offending the peace of faith", concerning any faith (burning the Quran would be a crime, since it offends Muslims). People and their beliefs should be respected... but obviously only as long as they don't push them to others by force, and offend their freedom or attack their beliefs. But maybe the second part of this tenet says it all: "To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own." Of course there is a big difference, whether you just make fun of something or criticize it justifiably. Sometimes it is a fine line. 

Activism of Finnish congregation (which I have witnessed only on Facebook) has very much focused on the rights of LGBTQ+ people. If you think you have a right to attack minorities because the bible says... first of all, fuck you! Secondly, sexual orientation is part of you, because you were born that way, and you can't change it. Religion is chosen (or unfortunately, you may have been raised within, without your choice). So, being gay is not a choice; faith is, and it can be cured - I know that! But never mind what you believe, as long as you stay praying within like-minded sect, and don't come to judge "sinners" in public, and try to change the laws of society in accordance with your religion. 

Today I think that even though there are various interpretations, in all Abrahamic religions there are many problematic elements built-in. Therefore even if you are a liberal Christian, it takes an effort to explain things as well as possible, and it is intellectual self-deception. I was guilty of that myself. 

If one were to take the bible seriously one would go mad. But to take the bible seriously, one must be already mad.

- Aleister Crowley

I didn't only abandon Christianity, I renounced false god - and I still sign that with my blood (in gnostic sense, and speaking purely metaphorically!). Behavior of Christians and, in my opinion, justified anger and bitterness because of that, turned me away from "god" they have created in their own image. I still get inspired by Satanic/Luciferian symbolism; I can't say the same of Christianity. 

I did not hate God or Christ, but merely the God and Christ of the people whom I hated.

- Aleister Crowley

I won't catch fire if I go to Church, and I might even have a moment of peace, but I can not agree with anything they say: it is empty rhetoric. I might vomit like Regan in "The Exorcist", though, if someone personally comes to force their faith upon me. I have nothing against smart Christians, but a lot against fanatical zealots. 

My angel is my demon, or daimon, by whom I get inspired as well as possessed. I would say I have undergone dark enlightenment. Space surrounding earth is dark as we see the night sky, yet it is full of sunlight, visible only when it meets an obstacle, like planet. The light shines in the darkness... guiding through that darkness of mystical love. Lucifer and Satan, two sides of the same coin. I see these things like atmospheric images, not complete thoughts that could be turned to dogmatic phrases... but more like poetic references.  

There is a book that is said to be the only canonical book of the Satanic Temple: Revolt of the Angels by Anatole France, published in 1914, a fictional novel. I found old Finnish translation as soon as I saw YouTube video: "The Most Sacred Book in Satanism... was not what I expected."  See also what Lilith Starr has to say: "Satan as Humanitarian Hero in 'Revolt of the Angels'".  The whole book is available online, for example, on the Project Gutenberg. 

Beginning of the book is very rambling and dull, before we get to the point. Story has several subplots, which I think were just filling on a paper beside the main story line. But novel is very good when it raises thoughts, and resonates with reader's soul! 

An angel speaks in the novel: 

I believe in the God of the Jews and the Christians. But I deny that He created the world; at the most He organised but an inferior part of it, and all that He touched bears the mark of His rough and unforeseeing touch. I do not think He is either eternal or infinite, for it is absurd to conceive of a being who is not bounded by space or time. I think Him limited, even very limited. I no longer believe Him to be the only God. For a long time He did not believe it Himself; in the beginning He was a polytheist; later, His pride and the flattery of His worshippers made Him a monotheist. His ideas have little connection; He is less powerful than He is thought to be. And, to speak candidly, He is not so much a god as a vain and ignorant demiurge. Those who, like myself, know His true nature, call Him Ialdabaoth.

See Ialdabaoth or Yaldabaoth on Wikipedia. This is very gnostic concept. It is historically correct, that religion of Israelians, unlike the rewritten history in the Hebrew Bible implies, was originally not monotheism. When David began to favor Yahweh, it was monolatry: command not to worship other gods required there were other gods, they were forbidden only for Israel. Only later it was perceived more totally: there were no other gods. While speaking to men, god had to introduce himself: "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt"... In Psalm 82 god speaks in the great assembly of gods. 

In the light of archaeology, the origin of Israelians lies precisely in Canaanite culture that is fiercely attacked in the Old Testament. Reflections of this background are found in The Scripture too: "Your ancestry and birth were in the land of Canaanites..." (Ezekiel 16:3) Religion practiced during the monarchy in regions of Israel and Judah, was not fundamentally different from other religions in Syria-Palestine.

In the novel people worship demons as gods, known from various myths of the world, and there is truth to that: Church turned pagan deities to demons. Typical depiction of the devil borrowed its horns and hooves from Pan, a Greek god of nature. 

Later it is told:

To seduce their souls he invented a fable which, although not so ingenious as the myths wherewith we have surrounded the spirits of our disciples of old, could, nevertheless, influence those feebler intellects which are to be found everywhere in great masses. He declared that men having committed a crime against him, an hereditary crime, should pay the penalty for it in their present life and in the life to come (for mortals vainly imagine that their existence is prolonged in hell); and the astute Iahveh gave out that he had sent his own son to earth to redeem with his blood the debt of mankind. It is not credible that a penalty should redress a fault, and it is still less credible that the innocent should pay for the guilty. The sufferings of the innocent atone for nothing, and do but add one evil to another. Nevertheless, unhappy creatures were found to adore Iahveh and his son, the expiator, and to announce their mysteries as good tidings. 

Here Jesus is seen as part of Iahveh's (or Yahweh's) plan, unlike some gnostics saw him. Well, it is true that many - if not most - Christians clearly follow Jesus in name only, they worship idol, a graven  image made of him. Teaching about Jesus instead of Jesus' Teaching. So, it really doesn't require much mind bending to argue, that since so called evangelical Christians show such hard values opposite to those embodied by Jesus, it's only logical that Satanism advocates compassion and empathy, like TST does. In a way, I guess, that also makes it understandable that Star of Azazel includes Jesus in their worldview: their founder and spokesperson, Fra Nefastos (I have listened to several of his interviews, and he is a smart man!) has written two books on the Sermon on the Mount (not available in English; some of his writings are), and they have a flyer, "Christ or Christianity?" in Finnish. Title says it all. Or like Gandhi said: "I like your Christ, I don't like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." (See Mahatma Gandhi and the Sermon on the Mount.) There is even this meme I have shared: Dear Jesus, protect me from your followers! 

When I was Christian, as a liberal esotericist I needed to make a distinction between more conservative concept of God and my "loving Father", and I used material both esoteric teachings and historical research provide abundantly, like in all my interpretations of Christian doctrine, until hard scientific evidence defeated blurry wishful thinking and I started to lose my faith altogether. 

Marcion of Sinope, "the great heretic of the early church", around 144 Common Era, did not explain away difficulties of the Old Testament with allegorical interpretations. And unlike many orthodox church fathers, he did not accuse Jews for killing Christ. In the Old Testament Marcion saw God who was jealous and revengeful, who loved one group of people and hated another; who was capricious and malevolent, telling his followers to kill women and children when they conquered the land of Canaanites. In the Christian Scriptures Marcion saw Jesus preaching peace and love for all. Jesus had no favorites nor enemies. He was the messenger of God, alien God, different from morally and intellectually imperfect warrior god of the Old Testament; alien God who was not exposed in Jewish writings, and unknown before Jesus Christ. Joshua conquered the promised land with violence and cruelty, Christ forbade violence and preached mercy. God told Israelites to leave Egypt with silver and gold of Egypt; Jesus sends his disciples out with no gold or silver or copper... God requires sacrifices and disapproves them, he chooses people and regrets his choices, he creates darkness and evil (Isaiah 45:7), sends disasters and regrets them. He is the god of destruction, murder and genocide. 

Some esotericists claim that Jesus avoided using term "God", except when he quoted the Old Testament, and spoke of "the Father" instead. Thus he did not speak of Yahweh. His worst crime was to criticize in public the national god of Jews, whom he called "your father the devil" (John 8:44). 

When he said, "I am in the Father, and the Father is in me" (John 14:10), the former part represents the omnipotence of the Father, and the latter part his closeness within man's soul. Man is finite consciousness within God's infinite consciousness. Sometimes Jesus said the Father is in secret, meaning, no ideas created by men can picture this reality. He also said, nobody had seen the Father, but Yahweh was seen by Moses, Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and the seventy elders of Israel (Exodus 24). In temptation story, old ideal of god is personified and manifested before Jesus: "the prince of this world", "father of lies", who takes Jesus up to the mountain in spirit, saying, "you will have all the riches of the world if you serve me" - that is, "submit to the service of same god as others, and don't disturb their peace with new teachings, and I will make you powerful." And Jesus said: "You shall worship the Lord your God, and him only shall you serve"- voice of the truth within, even if the world was against it. 

Pekka Ervast, Finnish theosophist and rosicrucian, who was important figure to me on my spiritual path - and whose teachings are valued in Star of Azazel as well - outlined a new reformation, and he said Christian churches should make a clear distinction between the "Old" and the "New Testament"; they should say The New Testament is the fundamental book of Christianity, and they should part with The Old Testament, saying, it's religion of Jews, and there are other kind of sacred writings, more beautiful than those collected in The Old Testament. 

According to German theologian, Adolf von Harnack, continuity of The Old Testament in the Christian Bible may lead to emphasis on righteousness and painstaking legalism instead of mercy and love. 

There is a clever observation in the novel I like to quote:

For the majority of people, though they do not know what to do with this life, long for another that shall have no end.

As a Buddhist, it is clear to me, but even as Christian esotericist I did not believe in continuance of personal human psyche. Traditional Christian "hope" for everlasting life was born out of fear of death, and it is extremely egoistic by nature. I would even say it is perverted. I mean, what kind of person wants to preserve their imperfect personality for eternity?! There is nothing noble and beautiful about that.  And yet I don't mean I wouldn't believe in some kind of "spiritual world" and existence beyond death. It just has its limits as well. It's not static state of being. Pekka Ervast said: if people would go right to the Heaven with all their faults and flaws, Heaven would lose much of its appeal; and if they just dropped off their faults and flaws, then what is there left of them as persons anyway.  

Following is a longer quote from the end of novel, a sublime pinnacle of the story, containing profound  wisdom. Satan is preparing for the second battle against Heavens, and he dreams he has won...

And Satan had himself crowned God. Thronging round the glittering walls of Heavenly Jerusalem, apostles, pontiffs, virgins, martyrs, confessors, the whole company of the elect, who during the fierce battle had enjoyed delightful tranquillity, tasted infinite joy in the spectacle of the coronation.

The elect saw with ravishment the Most High precipitated into Hell, and Satan seated on the throne of the Lord. In conformity with the will of God which had cut them off from sorrow they sang in the ancient fashion the praises of their new Master.

And Satan, piercing space with his keen glance, contemplated the little globe of earth and water where of old he had planted the vine and formed the first tragic chorus. And he fixed his gaze on that Rome where the fallen God had founded his empire on fraud and lie. Nevertheless, at that moment a saint ruled over the Church. Satan saw him praying and weeping. And he said to him:

"To thee I entrust my Spouse. Watch over her faithfully. In thee I confirm the right and power to decide matters of doctrine, to regulate the use of the sacraments, to make laws and to uphold purity of morals. And the faithful shall be under obligation to conform thereto. My Church is eternal, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. Thou art infallible. Nothing is changed."

And the successor of the apostles felt flooded with rapture. He prostrated himself, and with his forehead touching the floor, replied:

"O Lord, my God, I recognise Thy voice! Thy breath has been wafted like balm to my heart. Blessed be Thy name. Thy will be done on Earth, as it is in Heaven. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

And Satan found pleasure in praise and in the exercise of his grace; he loved to hear his wisdom and his power belauded. He listened with joy to the canticles of the cherubim who celebrated his good deeds, and he took no pleasure in listening to Nectaire's flute, because it celebrated nature's self, yielded to the insect and to the blade of grass their share of power and love, and counselled happiness and freedom. Satan, whose flesh had crept, in days gone by, at the idea that suffering prevailed in the world, now felt himself inaccessible to pity. He regarded suffering and death as the happy results of omnipotence and sovereign kindness. And the savour of the blood of victims rose upward towards him like sweet incense. He fell to condemning intelligence and to hating curiosity. He himself refused to learn anything more, for fear that in acquiring fresh knowledge he might let it be seen that he had not known everything at the very outset. He took pleasure in mystery, and believing that he would seem less great by being understood, he affected to be unintelligible. Dense fumes of Theology filled his brain. One day, following the example of his predecessor, he conceived the notion of proclaiming himself one god in three persons. Seeing Arcade smile as this proclamation was made, he drove him from his presence. Istar and Zita had long since returned to earth. Thus centuries passed like seconds. Now, one day, from the altitude of his throne, he plunged his gaze into the depths of the pit and saw Ialdabaoth in the Gehenna where he himself had long lain enchained. Amid the everlasting gloom Ialdabaoth still retained his lofty mien. Blackened and shattered, terrible and sublime, he glanced upwards at the palace of the King of Heaven with a look of proud disdain, then turned away his head. And the new god, as he looked upon his foe, beheld the light of intelligence and love pass across his sorrow-stricken countenance. And lo! Ialdabaoth was now contemplating the Earth and, seeing it sunk in wickedness and suffering, he began to foster thoughts of kindliness in his heart. On a sudden he rose up, and beating the ether with his mighty arms, as though with oars, he hastened thither to instruct and to console mankind. Already his vast shadow shed upon the unhappy planet a shade soft as a night of love.

And Satan awoke bathed in an icy sweat.

Nectaire, Istar, Arcade, and Zita were standing round him. The finches were singing.

"Comrades," said the great archangel, "no—we will not conquer the heavens. Enough to have the power. War engenders war, and victory defeat.

"God, conquered, will become Satan; Satan, conquering, will become God. May the fates spare me this terrible lot; I love the Hell which formed my genius. I love the Earth where I have done some good, if it be possible to do any good in this fearful world where beings live but by rapine. Now, thanks to us, the god of old is dispossessed of his terrestrial empire, and every thinking being on this globe disdains him or knows him not. But what matter that men should be no longer submissive to Ialdabaoth if the spirit of Ialdabaoth is still in them; if they, like him, are jealous, violent, quarrelsome, and greedy, and the foes of the arts and of beauty? What matter that they have rejected the ferocious Demiurge, if they do not hearken to the friendly demons who teach all truths; to Dionysus, Apollo, and the Muses? As to ourselves, celestial spirits, sublime demons, we have destroyed Ialdabaoth, our Tyrant, if in ourselves we have destroyed Ignorance and Fear."

And Satan, turning to the gardener, said:

"Nectaire, you fought with me before the birth of the world. We were conquered because we failed to understand that Victory is a Spirit, and that it is in ourselves and in ourselves alone that we must attack and destroy Ialdabaoth."

 All I can say to this is: Hail Satan! 😈

See also: The Litany of Satan by Charles Baudelaire

Les Litanies Des Satan performed by Theatres Des Vampires

This I know in my Heart: My Experience of Gnosis

 This post came into being because I'm writing a series of posts, based on my old diaries from 1990's, for my Finnish blog, and I just reached the year 1995 when I turned 25 and joined the Gnostic Mystery School, Lectorium Rosicrucianum. This was a phase in my life I have only briefly mentioned before, yet it had enormous effect on me. That was the first time I ever have addressed this topic so straightforward in Finnish as well. 

See Wikipedia on Lectorium Rosicrucianum. Also: Lectorium Rosicrucianum: A Dutch Movement Becomes International (pdf), by Massimo Introvigne, Italian sociologist of religion. 

Symbol of Lectorium Rosicrucianum

[Addition 2/23/2025: I have read experiences of other ex-pupils, see Reddit: An Overview of Lectorium Rosicrucianum. Interestingly, LR apparently tolerates watching television nowadays. There are even hints that homosexuality would be no longer seen just as bad, or something that can be "cured" anyway. Also, I did not know that the founder's son, Henk Leene,  resigned with some pupils, and founded his own esoteric movement in 1970's (I read this on Wikipedia: see German page and use Google Translate) - Sivas Esoteric Community, which seemingly evolved to more open and free direction, emphasizing individuality instead of strong group mentality, gradually distancing itself from rosicrucianism, changing its terminology, and abandoning prohibitions and rules of life - and they did not claim they are the one and only true spiritual school! See "Henk and Mia Leene Library" (use Google Translate). There are also free downloadable documents available: Unmasking a sect: Dossier on the Lectorium Rosicrucianum.

I was lucky to get out so early: as hard as it was, how much harder it would have been in longer run. I'm more and more convinced that in LR nobody actually knows what they are doing - they just exist in their own bubble. Also, I'm convinced of validity of my way more than ever!] 

I first met Lectorium Rosicrucianum in the fall of 1994 at New Age fair in Helsinki, Finland. That is their target group, people who are interested in New Age and Esoterism etc., and already somewhat familiar with that imagery and vocabulary, even though LR makes its own concoction out of these ingredients. 

I ordered their introduction course, and right after that, instruction course of 12 letters. I also corresponded with their contact person in Finland, asking questions. I had sleepless nights while pondering, and felt like I was starting to understand and accept. New Age geek became a fanatical gnostic. Somehow it was a relief to give up many beliefs and customs I had cherished. It was earthmoving, shaking foundations of my life so far. I likened it to personal reformation: unimportant things were dropped off, the essential things grew brighter. I felt like I was looking at such heights, that I had never experienced anything so powerful and all-encompassing, not before nor after - to yearn for God like a drowning person needs air. Today it's very dim and distant. Now it's easy to see what it really was, as the glamour has faded long time ago. Of course I didn't think I was fanatical, or just blind believer: Nobody can see that themselves when it is current. My diary during that period is quite a rant: I was one of the few chosen ones who knew the truth and followed it. 

Center of Lectorium Rosicrucianum in Sweden (picture by me)

In January 1995 I traveled with other Finnish members to Sweden, our neighboring country, where LR has a center, for weekend conference, and I was installed as a preparatory pupil (I'm not sure if that is a name they use of this stage in English). After one year, I performed the sacrament of covenant and signed the act of covenant, thus becoming a trial pupil (again, this is only my translation), followed by affirmative installation at the temple in Stockholm, Sweden. After that, two years later, I was invited to become acknowledging pupil [note: "confessing" might be more appropriate], who will acknowledge the requirements of being a pupil by change of their way of life, their neutrality and gentleness, but then I was in situation that made me feel like I'm not able to do this, so I denied and remained just as outer member, until permanently resigning by the end of 1999. Those three stages of being a pupil are "outer School"; there is obviously more - inner School. All degrees are allegedly spiritual - each pupil will proceed in their own pace, only the goal is one and same. Everyone will demonstrate their progress like an open book, you can't hide or pretend. Each degree requires more powerful connection between a pupil and the gnostic force field, so that pupil will transform in process, that will culminate in full liberation, leaving this world for good and association with the Universal Brotherhood. 

Temple of Lectorium Rosicrucianum (picture found from internet)

In inexperience and naivety of my youth, I was very vulnerable, anything but mature, therefore easily influenced, that's how it began, and that also became an obstacle to me on this road, when I finally started to see life. 

Anyone who has ever belonged to movement demanding basically your whole life and complete devotion, whether it is the Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons or whatever, will probably understand what I went through, even if they don't understand a word of this doctrine. I think even today this doctrine may sound strange for those who are familiar with esoterism as well, just like it was new to me back then. I rarely bump into Lectorium Rosicrucianum nowadays, unless I intentionally look for it, even though it has apparently grown a bit after those early days in Finland too (in Finland it was only officially founded in 1995: I was the fourth pupil here at that time). It stands apart from other movements, because it considers itself special and unique, and its doctrine certainly is not appealing to crowds, because it's so exclusive and demanding. 

My drawing from ´90s

LR makes a sharp distinction between this world - which includes the other side inhabited by the dead as well: we are trapped within a cycle of life and death - and the divine world we can reach only through the process of total transformation, "transfiguration", rebirth. This world is not the original creation of God, but only temporary emergency order after the fall. It is very gnostic distinction, but I don't know any other modern gnostic movement highlighting it that much. 

It was taught that there is so called "vacuum of Shamballa", a kind of force field, forming the other side of the School after death, where pupils advanced enough were taken in, and it was apart from "the reflection sphere", where ordinary people went after they died, protecting pupils from its deceitful forces. Ultimately, it is "the ark" that will carry them to the divine world when the time is full. 

Of course there was also apocalyptic vision: The year 2001 was mentioned in literature [allegedly based on "chronology" of the great pyramid of Giza! This is mentioned in "unmasking a sect"-dossier], but I was told it didn't mean the end of the world. There was allegedly time for the first phase of School's work up to that, but it was tentative, and as I was told, they were behind in plan: there were not enough pupils of 5. and 6. degrees, who were needed to carry the rest. The School was said to gather as large "harvest" as possible: then it was supposed to transform - the inner School would disappear from the world, the ark will take off. School will function, but those who later become pupils, can no longer move forward on the path because of changing radiation conditions. They can be the first ones who react positively in the next manifestation day. Since I was no longer a pupil, and not in contact with anyone for long time, I have no idea how it's going with that. But isn't it familiar and convenient concept: "we were not ready, we had to postpone the time." Who would want to join, if they could not make progress? And yet there is this feeling of urgency: "Hurry up, as long as there is time". "Manifestation day" refers to Manvantara in Hindu cosmology, very long cyclic period of time: according to LR, each manifestation day will end with destruction, earth is purified before mankind makes it uninhabitable, and everything will begin fresh and new, and it's easier to react positively to liberating gnostic impulse. I admit it's quite easy to fall for apocalyptic thinking while looking around this world today. 

Because I have always been interested in religions and spiritual movements, I also know a lot about the doctrine of the Latter Day Saints, even though I don't believe a word, and I remember one time I was with a group of people and I told them some of those teachings, and we laughed. Afterwards I was ashamed. It is easy to laugh outside. I should know better. Peer support might do good: at least you get perspective for your own experiences. Even if the worldview and terminology may have been different, with everything I have heard or read, I have realized years later that my experience might not fundamentally differ from anyone's experience, who has "found God", so to speak. 

Jan van Rijckenborgh

At very early point it became clear to me that on this road acting on homosexual orientation was seen as an obstacle, and it didn't even surprise me; somehow it was intellectually acceptable to me, but not in my heart. Something that was not a problem to me, was brought in front of me as if it were a problem, from outside. I was told LR reacts to homosexuality "negatively, but not judgmentally". What does that even mean? You start to judge yourself anyway. The founder of LR, Jan van Rijckenborgh, wrote about subject very bluntly, calling homosexuality sickness, sin and abnormality, just like conservative Christians! Biblical arguments had nothing to do with it; reasons were "gnostic". It was said to affect all bodies of human, probably disturbing correct polarization: man was supposed to have positively polarized material body, negatively polarized etheric body, positively polarized desire body, and negatively polarized thinking ability (not a full-grown "body" yet); woman had vice versa. So co-operation of these two could not be realized and that would nullify possibility to walk this path. The key was a gradual neutralization, so that sexuality would move away from physical needs, they were dissolved. Ultimately, it was supposed to be the same for heterosexuals too. Reason for homosexuality, as I was told, was the past live as a monk or nun. I don't know if this makes any sense... or actually, I know it does not: obviously, I don't believe any of it now.  Anyway, "the cure" was firstly not to live by this "twisted inclination", and secondly, to orient oneself towards the path with full orientation, and walk it determinedly. 

First I confronted great turmoil within my soul as I saw the movie "Maurice" (yes, I made an exception and watched it on TV) and read a book by E.M. Forster it is based on. I became aware of my loneliness. However, I felt the literature of the Spiritual School (as LR is also called) was like a ray of light through stormy clouds. 

Maurice (1987), re-release trailer

I thought I was prepared to live alone, but suddenly I found myself in short but fervent event of life, accompanied by experiments with alcohol (I had never drunk before) and few unsatisfying one-night stands (I was inexperienced). Then I met my soon-to-be long-term partner. 

Conflict tore me in two directions. It was long and painful process. I even tried to deny all spirituality awhile and focus completely on mundane, but it didn't carry me far. 

It took me over 10 years before I could rationally admit even to myself, that I was in a narrow-minded cult (I'm fully aware how controversial term this is: I'm only using it for lack of a better word), and it was not just me who "failed to adjust". Everything was presented with a smile, explaining, that "everyone will personally see that this is true". Bollocks! From the very beginning, it is brainwashing: when the world is pictured dark and hopeless, and this is the only way to salvation, you better run - to opposite direction! 

My drawing from ´90s

We were told there are seven liberating spiritual schools operating in the world, but interestingly, LR was the only one working in public. Leaders of the School had supposedly met members of Chinese Taoist School. How convenient is that: "See, we are not the only one; you just will never hear about others, they work in secret." 

Pupil has to accept certain rules of life, like vegetarianism, avoiding tobacco and alcohol, and leather or fur clothing, and watching television. I didn't feel like I was giving up anything important, I already observed many of those rules. Gradually they will become aware of many other things they should avoid, like rock music. I learnt to appreciate classical music too, so I guess that was a good thing. However, already back then I found it a bit peculiar that LR in their publications uncritically cited claims that a band name KISS is an acronym for "Knights in Satan's Service", which I had heard when the waves of Satanic panic from the US reached the Nordic shores, and I thought it was stupid. Yet LR also criticized common Christianity. 

Perhaps surprisingly, meditation is warned against, and also many forms of alternative medicine, including all energy healing, like reiki, which I was practicing (and still am today, after pausing for those few years). Also, all churches and their rituals were warned against, and of course all other esoteric movements were wrong, or incomplete. Like, theosophy and anthroposophy were seen as preparatory stages before timely outpouring of the universal doctrine. This is very typical, I think: "they preceded us, but we are better: we have something more." 

According to their doctrine, people have two souls: active nature soul born of temporal world, and hidden divine soul. Like attracts like, and person who hasn't turned and purified one's being, meditates with their own consciousness and can only attract arbitrariness of energies of this nature order. How uplifting and beautiful it may be, it is very deceitful. Old methods were in order in specific time and place, but conditions have changed. I had a little crisis of faith, as their teachings were so radically divergent from the mainstream spirituality. 

My drawing from ´90s

As for the alternative medicine, I was told it's essential that it doesn't operate on occultism; or tie you even tighter with mundane cycle, furthering your petrification; or somehow apply the modern science of psychology. Even aromatherapy or color therapy were out of the question. Homeopathy was OK. Interestingly, I heard a story that C.G. Jung was originally supposed to establish a mystery school of this era, but he chose another path. It is well known fact that he was interested in gnosticism for awhile, and I still find his thoughts on matter valid. (See also: The Gnostic Jung and the Seven Sermons to the Dead.)

I loved the Gnostics in spite of everything, because they recognized the necessity of some further raisonnement, entirely absent in the Christian cosmos. - Carl Jung

Certainly I did adopt some thoughts I have kept until this day. Above all, the idea that "The Great White Brotherhood", or whatever you want to call it, if you believe in such a thing (and I don't take a stand on that), never operates personally, never appeals to your ego. There is no room for "messengers", or "master-this-and-that". I discuss this in my post, Western Esoterism vs. Buddhism. Also, general distrust for channeling has remained; this is something H.P. Blavatsky already spoke of (see "the danger and deception of channeling"). 

LR brought back to my life the fear of death I already once had left behind me, and I had to work on that for many years. It took me over ten years to get rid of its influence, even after I resigned. Still sometimes a thought has crossed my mind: "What if it is true?" Even though many details seem completely irrational. The more detailed doctrine, the more suspicious it is: "We have explanation for everything." A proof how deeply harmful teachings like this really are. Even after 30 years I felt anxiety reading my memoirs. I have never really dealt with that period, I only wanted to suppress all my feelings about it, replacing it by actively committing to a new church. I didn't resign because I stopped believing - not for a long time - but because I had met my late partner... and not because I had fallen in love with him, as one might expect. I was kind of taken by the circumstances, without will of my own, and surrendered to my fate. Yet it is wise to discern controlling movement from relationship, which may have not started with best and pure motives on my part (I briefly touch this in my post, New Revelations); I got rid of the former because of the latter, and it was a good thing, just took long time to understand it. 

My personal history may have a connection to a fact that all rules of life based on spiritual view are a big NO to me. In Nichiren Buddhism there are schools that don't find the five precepts of Buddha relevant. Only the practice (Namu Myoho Renge Kyo: see my other blog) is relevant. As an independent practitioner I gladly embrace this view, choosing the teachings that speak to me. This is one more reason why Nichiren Buddhism. It doesn't mean I go around doing bad things, you just don't have to tell me what not to do, and how to live my life. I don't miss absolute truths, or otherworldly rewards: my way of practicing spirituality keeps me down to earth; I don't need complicated explanations, only the simple and practical method that surpasses thinking and is free from feelings. 

"Don't be a dick!" This is a summary of my ethics, highlighted by the fact that I first saw this kind of poster in gay porn flick. It reminds me of the words by John Shore I have often quoted (and this is by memory): "Christians, whenever you say, 'I only speak the truth in love', what others hear is: 'I am a dick.' So, stop saying that... unless you are. In that case, continue, I guess." 

For me it is easier to accept the reiki principles, because they don't go to details of everyday life. I remind myself of them everyday. There are different versions, but I found one that appeals to me especially. According to reiki teacher Frans Stiene, Mikao Usui - the founder of reiki system - may have given various students slightly different versions to support their spiritual advancement and understanding, and this version he is said to have taught his buddhist students, as he was buddhist himself (I have to partially translate from Stiene's book published in Finnish, couldn't find this exact version on his webpage): 

Do not anger, for anger is an illusion
Do not worry, for fear is a distraction
Be true to your way and your true self
Show compassion to yourself and others
For this is the foundation of the Buddha nature

Getting angry and worrying are exactly two features that mostly bother me about myself: I let other people effect me so that I get angry, or I worry about things that haven't happened and I only imagine. Both shake my balance: I don't stay calm within myself, or present in the moment. And obviously compassion is a challenge I have been struggling with. It could be that I don't even love myself as much as I used to think I do. But needless to say: being true to my way and my true self is what my life is all about! 

Basically, people can do whatever they want with their lives, unless it is illegal, and it hardly takes anything meaningful away from you, if you don't watch television or drink alcohol or eat meat... One can only question that it is required: it is another matter if it is your choice from the very beginning. And if you can obey the rules you have chosen to obey, that doesn't make you a better person. It is completely different thing when we step into personal and intimate area of sexuality, and you are told you are wrong kind of man or woman, and therefore not allowed to love. And when you believe it and start to restrain yourself and your life - your life force... then we cross such a tremendous human line, that it has to be strictly condemned! 

It is good to understand, that just like Christianity has been divided to various sects and denominations, with very large differences on views and practices, and some of them even think they represent the one and only true Christianity, same goes with gnosticism too. As I used to be Christian myself, I sometimes cited a phrase, "There are as many ways to be Christian, as there are Christians." Likewise, Victor White, an English Dominican Priest who corresponded and collaborated with C.G. Jung, said: "There were almost as many gnoses as there were people who called themselves gnostics or who have been called gnostics by later historians." 

Despite of my experience in one modern gnostic movement, I did not lose my interest in gnosticism in general. After strictness of Lectorium Rosicrucianum, I was just pleased with more liberal interpretation of it. Some of these ideas include: Gnostics emphasized primality of immediate experience. Gnostic can approve in faith what others have said only temporarily, until they have found their own path. Gnosticism was a movement of spirit without absolute boundaries. True gnosis is mystical knowledge and experience one can reach through inner intuitive ways, which transcends outer shape of reality. 

LR used a word "Gnosis" in varying nuances, as I understood it: it might refer to God, Static Kingdom of God, Radiation Force, Christ Hierarchy... all these names were used as equivalent. They don't really indicate what I understand by Gnosis today: "thinking with a heart". 

In Finland we have nowadays one modern gnostic movement of our own, founded in Finland in 2009 and working in Finland only: The Gnostic Society of Finland. There is only brief English introduction: 

The purpose of the Society is

• to nurture the gnostic spiritual heritage,
• to spread the knowledge of Gnosticism,
• to promote gnostic research and teaching activities,
• to create conditions for the practice of gnostic spirituality,
• to strengthen the spiritual connection and sense of community among its members,
• to strengthen the spiritual connection and sense of community of its members,
• to guide its members to inner integrity, love of neighbor and tolerance and
• to act as a link for those interested in Gnosticism.

The activities of the Society include

• public lectures,
• discussion sessions,
• reading groups and study groups,
• mass services and devotional services,
• the Mystery School lectures,
• the esoteric Gnostic Rite,
• Correspondence School and
• self-study materials.

I'm pleased that it seems more like blanket spirituality, not focused on Christian gnosis, like so many modern gnostics. It's about universal message of love, that's how I get it. And they do bless the union of same-sex couples! I would love to take part in their gnostic Mass, but it is held only in Helsinki - not impossible, but requires travelling. 

I may have considered myself a Christian already as a member of LR, which has been described as "christo-centric mystery school", but they taught the Gospels would be true whether Jesus lived or not, because they presented the path everyone must walk by themselves. This was not far from teachings of Pekka Ervast (see the link lists of this blog), Finnish theosophist and rosicrucian, who was my spiritual mentor before LR and also after. In his book, The Esoteric School of Jesus, he refers to different theories in regard to Jesus Christ. Then he writes: 

We must first ask what the words mean. "Christ" is not a noun nor pronoun, which would be suitable, as such, as a name for a person but an adjective which means "anointed", in Hebrew - Masshiah, Messiah. The Jews held - as did Christians later on - that the Messiah was a certain person, and Jesus denies this conception of "anointed" as a form of person in the first of above mentioned excerpts from the Bible. [Matthew 22:41-46]...

Looking at it from the spiritual point of view, there is only one important thing, and this is that a human being should know that he is the son of God. Because his own "I", his inner soul, his true self is not of the material world but is of God...

All these human Egos, of which every human being has one, are therefore born of God, and when the "I" born of God has become conscious, of its own divine descent, aware of the fact that he is the son of God, then he is stepped into the "anointed" life, then he is "Christ" or "anointed"...

So, when I was exploring The Christian Community, esoteric christian church based on Rudolf Steiner's anthroposophy, it was hard for me to get hold of idea that God had become man and walked this earth, idea so fundamental to mainstream Christianity, but also part of Steiner's Christology, often stigmatised heretical [see in this blog, A.P. Shepherd: Spiritual Science and the Christian Churches]: yet it was through that I came to basic Christian views on incarnation, crucifixion as utter deed of redemption, and resurrection. In the beginning it was very difficult, I was suspicious about many things I saw or heard: it was so different. But I kept attending services on regular basis, and came to love my church because I loved Christ who gave himself to me through bread and wine. I was touched by the image of Beloved Disciple, who leans on his master's chest, listening to his heartbeats, and I was able to identify with him. Obviously, that was very emotional attitude. I desperately wanted to believe! The Christian Community was my lifeline that saved me from spiritual death! For me, name of Rudolf Steiner was a guarantee there must be something deeper here, and of course the key question to me was a position on homosexuality: today the Christian Community blesses the union of same-sex couples. 

The Christian Community does not consider itself the one and only true church, but I brought this attitude with me and took everything I heard or read for granted, before I started to think for myself. But of course I had to settle first. Over 10 years later, I had become such an independent thinker, I was already beginning to move further away - around that time I came into the reckoning with my past - when it really hit me hard that not all my thoughts were accepted, and I was even attacked [see my post, Disillusioned - Enlightened]. When I finally reached the dead end on that path as well, I was coming closer to my gnostic roots, first as Luciferian, then as Buddhist. ( See previous post, "My visit on the 'Dark Side'") I need to add that today I'm at ease with the Christian Community, still a member officially, not attending much, but I do appreciate them. I just don't believe in Christianity anymore (and hardly in humanity either; it's a constant struggle). 

It is interesting that regardless how large and mainstream Nichiren Buddhism is in Japan, it is so original that it is sometimes criticized and looked suspiciously by members of other schools of Buddhism. When I was still christian, I found this webpage called Ways of Christ, and liked the vast variety of information it provides: there are references to numerous sources. Concerning Buddhism, it says: "Among the Buddhist schools of thought, the teachings of Nichiren could appear as a bridge." For full context, read the entire page. Certainly for me it has been a natural progress: I didn't find Nichiren Buddhism, it sort of found me and it was like coming home. As I studied Nichiren Buddhism, I noticed I was already thinking along those lines, and devotional and ceremonial aspect was very much like what I did as Christian on my own... I have kept everything on my long journey I still treasure today. 

In my experience, in Lectorium Rosicrucianum members just complied with expectations and rules, only selected information was given about leadership, structure was hierarchical, and leaders, higher ranked pupils, were considered spiritually more advanced supermen! Instead of individual diversity of humanity members were expected to "lose themselves" and form a "group unity": could it sound more cult-like? In the Christian Community there was freedom of thought... and honestly, a lot of conflicts between people, also difficulties in collaboration among priesthood, and even I couldn't avoid that. Yet I think it was just a problem of imperfect people, as we all are, who were given this kind of freedom, a natural side effect and byproduct of such freedom. (But obviously this freedom had its limits as well... and that was narrow-mindedness of some people!) 

A friend once got me almost annoyed when we messaged, discussing matters of faith, as he said he has experienced (knows) that God (and Jesus and Christ) exist... until I payed attention to a word "experienced": If you claim to know something like that, it seems arrogant and questions other people's experience that can be just as strong, but led to different conclusions. But if "knowing" is understood as Gnosis, inner personal and intuitive knowledge, it can be - and it has to be - subjective (as many gnoses as there are gnostics): It doesn't make your experience merely imaginative, you only have clothed pure experience with definite thoughtform. 

Personally I have discovered how similar atmosphere there seems to be between the Lotus Sutra, that Nichiren Buddhism highly values, and the Gnostic Gospels. Like someone said: Mahayana Sutras picture the magical world full of archetypal figures living beyond historical time and space. Sutras appeal to spiritual imagination. They pursue to expand and work imagination through the methods of visionary drama. 

Or as Sangharakshita, British Buddhist teacher, put it (my own translation from Finnish, since I haven't found the original text):

"Generally, presentations of Buddhism in the west emphasize the rational side, or even give the impression that Buddhism is solely rational. We are told about Buddhist thought and philosophy, Buddhist metaphysics, psychology, and logic, and sometimes all that feels very dry and academic. However, another side represented by myths, symbols, and imagination, emotions, and vision, is not any less important, and for many people it is perhaps even more important. This is why we must absorb the writings, appealing to our emotions, like parables, myths, and symbols of Mahayana, included in the White Lotus Sutra." 

The Hymn of the Pearl in the Acts of Thomas shares a lot in common with the Parable of the Jewel in the Robe in the Lotus Sutra. The story is different of course, but it is penetrated by the sense of familiarity. The idea is undoubtedly same: There is something more, something precious, within a man, but it is easily forgotten or ignored in the midst of this world. 

The scientific study on Gnosticism is interesting enough, without any esoteric theories. See, for example, Gnosticism and "the Gnostics" (pdf) by Ismo Dunderberg, professor at University of Helsinki. 

Also, you may think this is not related issue, but I see connection: I highly recommend a book by Finnish physicist (and reiki master!), Johanna Blomqvist: Hyperreality - Beyond the horizon where physics meets consciousness. It was a revelation. I had missed a popular writing on quantum physics, and here I found it! This book came to me in right time: it confirmed conclusions I had come to, in my own ways. It was kind of easy to understand, almost obvious to me. It suits well with eastern ideas, I think. Everything is energy, everything is interconnected. Separation and opposition are virtual or surface. Spirit and matter are not opposites to each other, apart from each other. 

Reality is subjective, therefore truth is also subjective. It is not about opinions, but experience. "Opposite of correct statement is false statement, but opposite of correct truth can be another correct truth", as physicist Niels Bohr has said (in my translation). Everyone of us forms our own idea of reality, more or less aware of what this idea is based on. In the end we are alone, each one depending on our own thinking, because we have to choose whose view, whose teaching we trust. It's easy to think our own mind is the right one, because each of us has experience only about the process that led to our own values and view of reality. 

Reality is what we think is real. What we think is real, is what we believe in. What we believe in, defines what we think is real. What we think is real, is our reality. - Physicist David Bohm