My Angel is my Demon

 H.P. Blavatsky wrote in her Secret Doctrine:

Esoteric philosophy admits neither good nor evil per se, as existing independently in nature. The cause for both is found, as regards the Kosmos, in the necessity of contraries or contrasts, and with respect to man, in his human nature, his ignorance and passions. There is no devil or the utterly depraved, as there are no Angels absolutely perfect, though there may be spirits of Light and of Darkness; thus LUCIFER - the spirit of Intellectual Enlightenment and Freedom of Thought - is metaphorically the guiding beacon, which helps man to find his way through the rocks and sandbanks of Life, for Lucifer is the LOGOS in his highest, and the "Adversary" in his lowest aspect - both of which are reflected in our Ego.

(Lucifer The Lightbringer)

My previous posts on this subject in this blog:

Satan Loves You!

My Visit on the "Dark Side"

Alexandre Cabanel: Fallen Angel, 1847

I heartily sympathize with The Satanic Temple, which is working in Finland too. I follow Lilith Starr, an official minister of TST, and find her a positive model of modern satanist. In other words, as long as conviction is real, whether you believed in such an entity or not, and it's not merely titular busy work, a kind of "Halloween-Satanism". Or as Lilith once posted on Facebook: "TST is a religion and not just an all-purpose activist group anyone can use for their own pet projects." 

Lilith Starr is an author of two books: Compassionate Satanism - An Introduction to Modern Satanic Practice, and The Happy Satanist - Finding Self-Empowerment.  She has showcased her home altar, as well as her daily dedication ritual. She writes: "Having a space deliberately set aside to represent your Satanic path can help remind you of that path on a daily basis, provide a place for meditation or contemplation, serve as a focal point for rituals, and any other purpose for which you find it useful." A ritual goes like this:

Baphomet by Eliphas Levi

[Light candle.] Ave Satanas! [Ring bell.]
Let the Light of Lucifer guide my mind.
Let the strength of Satan embolden my will.
Let the work of justice and compassion be done through my hands.
Let the strands of great dark web run through my heart.
I vow to walk the Satanic path with full devotion, in every breath, every moment.
And so it is.
[Ring bell.] Hail Satan! [Extinguish candle.]

I'm not very convinced of the work of Finnish Congregation yet; they sell merchandise and donate for charity. OK. Great. However... in Finland we live in completely different social circumstances compared to the United States, in our favor - thank God (or Satan)! Yet a lot more could be done for freedom of religion here as well. 

TST gave this public invocation on April 23, 2024, for Ottawa County Board, while Christians protested outside the building:

Let us stand now, unbound and unfettered by arcane doctrines born of fearful minds in darkened times. Let us embrace the Luciferian impulse to eat of the tree of knowledge and dissipate our blissful and comforting delusions of old. Let us demand that individual be judged for their concrete actions, not their fealty to arbitrary social norms and illusory categorizations. Let us reason our solutions with agnosticism in all days, holding fast only to that which is demonstrably true. Let us stand firm against any and all arbitrary authority that threatens the personal sovereignty of one or of all. That which will not bend must break, and that which can be destroyed by truth should never be spared its demise. It is done. Hail Satan.

I translated and shared that because it was so impressive, and I couldn't agree more. 

I used to listen to Finnish podcast by atheist Satanists close to TST but not associated with it, and in one episode they talked about theistic Satanism, particularly its largest representative in Finland, Star of Azazel, which seeks to unite the right hand and the left hand paths, and interprets Satanism through theosophy, and that episode was just low crap! It was weird how they accused Star of Azazel of arrogance towards atheistic Satanists - which I haven't noticed - yet they showed extreme arrogance themselves! This was also discussed on forum of SoA, and podcast makers saw that; in next episode a "clever" lampoon was read. Intellect is very "Satanic" quality, and in this case SoA demonstrated that better... even if you disagreed how it should be used. Even I think that mixing God and Jesus to concoction with Satanism is strange at least: the whole point as I see it, is to detach oneself from Christianity (even if without Christianity there was no Satanism: it is a countermyth), and it's supposed to annoy and frighten Christians. Baphomet symbol of TST represents dualism, which is strongly present in Christianity, as well as in Western thought in general. It goes off topic, but I suggest you find out what Buddhism teaches about evil and "the devil", Mara; also, ideas of C.G. Jung are worth checking out. 

It's not beneficial for anybody to be an asshole. To criticize something with insufficient knowledge is just prejudiced. I have genuinely personal experience and inside knowledge on many spiritual or religious matters, and that justifies my criticism. In later episode of podcast they had a Laveyan Satanist as a guest, as that was also something they often criticized. [Church of Satan Vs. The Satanic Temple] She corrected many misconceptions. Nevertheless, one podcast host continued dismissive and mocking name-calling of Anton LaVey in future episodes. I'm not his number one fan, but I do recognize his merits, one of which might be the fact that he didn't take it all too seriously! I rather admire his daughter, Zeena Schreck, who renounced Satanism long time ago. I totally lost my interest in that podcast. I expect more from Satanists too, whether they are atheists or theists, but then again... can you expect much from people?

Likewise, I saw an episode of Finnish TV show with Satanism theme. First, there were two people from Star of Azazel, and then atheist-feminist-Satanist, not affiliated with any organization, as far as I understood. Concerning the latter one, I came to same conclusion as the host of the show: if anyone can be "Satanist" and Satanism can be anything, there is nothing much to grasp, whereas both philosophical and devotional foundation of Star of Azazel seems pretty solid, regardless of what you think about it.

Only the fourth tenet of TST made me a little doubtful: "The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend." This sounded like American style of freedom of speech, which we don't need. I think it is good that in Finland we have a law against "offending the peace of faith", concerning any faith (burning the Quran would be a crime, since it offends Muslims). People and their beliefs should be respected... but obviously only as long as they don't push them to others by force, and offend their freedom or attack their beliefs. But maybe the second part of this tenet says it all: "To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own." Of course there is a big difference, whether you just make fun of something or criticize it justifiably. Sometimes it is a fine line. 

Activism of Finnish congregation (which I have witnessed only on Facebook) has very much focused on the rights of LGBTQ+ people. If you think you have a right to attack minorities because the bible says... first of all, fuck you! Secondly, sexual orientation is part of you, because you were born that way, and you can't change it. Religion is chosen (or unfortunately, you may have been raised within, without your choice). So, being gay is not a choice; faith is, and it can be cured - I know that! But never mind what you believe, as long as you stay praying within like-minded sect, and don't come to judge "sinners" in public, and try to change the laws of society in accordance with your religion. 

Today I think that even though there are various interpretations, in all Abrahamic religions there are many problematic elements built-in. Therefore even if you are a liberal Christian, it takes an effort to explain things as well as possible, and it is intellectual self-deception. I was guilty of that myself. 

If one were to take the bible seriously one would go mad. But to take the bible seriously, one must be already mad.

- Aleister Crowley

I didn't only abandon Christianity, I renounced false god - and I still sign that with my blood (in gnostic sense, and speaking purely metaphorically!). Behavior of Christians and, in my opinion, justified anger and bitterness because of that, turned me away from "god" they have created in their own image. I still get inspired by Satanic/Luciferian symbolism; I can't say the same of Christianity. 

I did not hate God or Christ, but merely the God and Christ of the people whom I hated.

- Aleister Crowley

I won't catch fire if I go to Church, and I might even have a moment of peace, but I can not agree with anything they say: it is empty rhetoric. I might vomit like Regan in "The Exorcist", though, if someone personally comes to force their faith upon me. I have nothing against smart Christians, but a lot against fanatical zealots. 

My angel is my demon, or daimon, by whom I get inspired as well as possessed. I would say I have undergone dark enlightenment. Space surrounding earth is dark as we see the night sky, yet it is full of sunlight, visible only when it meets an obstacle, like planet. The light shines in the darkness... guiding through that darkness of mystical love. Lucifer and Satan, two sides of the same coin. I see these things like atmospheric images, not complete thoughts that could be turned to dogmatic phrases... but more like poetic references.  

There is a book that is said to be the only canonical book of the Satanic Temple: Revolt of the Angels by Anatole France, published in 1914, a fictional novel. I found old Finnish translation as soon as I saw YouTube video: "The Most Sacred Book in Satanism... was not what I expected."  See also what Lilith Starr has to say: "Satan as Humanitarian Hero in 'Revolt of the Angels'".  The whole book is available online, for example, on the Project Gutenberg. 

Beginning of the book is very rambling and dull, before we get to the point. Story has several subplots, which I think were just filling on a paper beside the main story line. But novel is very good when it raises thoughts, and resonates with reader's soul! 

An angel speaks in the novel: 

I believe in the God of the Jews and the Christians. But I deny that He created the world; at the most He organised but an inferior part of it, and all that He touched bears the mark of His rough and unforeseeing touch. I do not think He is either eternal or infinite, for it is absurd to conceive of a being who is not bounded by space or time. I think Him limited, even very limited. I no longer believe Him to be the only God. For a long time He did not believe it Himself; in the beginning He was a polytheist; later, His pride and the flattery of His worshippers made Him a monotheist. His ideas have little connection; He is less powerful than He is thought to be. And, to speak candidly, He is not so much a god as a vain and ignorant demiurge. Those who, like myself, know His true nature, call Him Ialdabaoth.

See Ialdabaoth or Yaldabaoth on Wikipedia. This is very gnostic concept. It is historically correct, that religion of Israelians, unlike the rewritten history in the Hebrew Bible implies, was originally not monotheism. When David began to favor Yahweh, it was monolatry: command not to worship other gods required there were other gods, they were forbidden only for Israel. Only later it was perceived more totally: there were no other gods. While speaking to men, god had to introduce himself: "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt"... In Psalm 82 god speaks in the great assembly of gods. 

In the light of archaeology, the origin of Israelians lies precisely in Canaanite culture that is fiercely attacked in the Old Testament. Reflections of this background are found in The Scripture too: "Your ancestry and birth were in the land of Canaanites..." (Ezekiel 16:3) Religion practiced during the monarchy in regions of Israel and Judah, was not fundamentally different from other religions in Syria-Palestine.

In the novel people worship demons as gods, known from various myths of the world, and there is truth to that: Church turned pagan deities to demons. Typical depiction of the devil borrowed its horns and hooves from Pan, a Greek god of nature. 

Later it is told:

To seduce their souls he invented a fable which, although not so ingenious as the myths wherewith we have surrounded the spirits of our disciples of old, could, nevertheless, influence those feebler intellects which are to be found everywhere in great masses. He declared that men having committed a crime against him, an hereditary crime, should pay the penalty for it in their present life and in the life to come (for mortals vainly imagine that their existence is prolonged in hell); and the astute Iahveh gave out that he had sent his own son to earth to redeem with his blood the debt of mankind. It is not credible that a penalty should redress a fault, and it is still less credible that the innocent should pay for the guilty. The sufferings of the innocent atone for nothing, and do but add one evil to another. Nevertheless, unhappy creatures were found to adore Iahveh and his son, the expiator, and to announce their mysteries as good tidings. 

Here Jesus is seen as part of Iahveh's (or Yahweh's) plan, unlike some gnostics saw him. Well, it is true that many - if not most - Christians clearly follow Jesus in name only, they worship idol, a graven  image made of him. Teaching about Jesus instead of Jesus' Teaching. So, it really doesn't require much mind bending to argue, that since so called evangelical Christians show such hard values opposite to those embodied by Jesus, it's only logical that Satanism advocates compassion and empathy, like TST does. In a way, I guess, that also makes it understandable that Star of Azazel includes Jesus in their worldview: their founder and spokesperson, Fra Nefastos (I have listened to several of his interviews, and he is a smart man!) has written two books on the Sermon on the Mount (not available in English; some of his writings are), and they have a flyer, "Christ or Christianity?" in Finnish. Title says it all. Or like Gandhi said: "I like your Christ, I don't like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." (See Mahatma Gandhi and the Sermon on the Mount.) There is even this meme I have shared: Dear Jesus, protect me from your followers! 

When I was Christian, as a liberal esotericist I needed to make a distinction between more conservative concept of God and my "loving Father", and I used material both esoteric teachings and historical research provide abundantly, like in all my interpretations of Christian doctrine, until hard scientific evidence defeated blurry wishful thinking and I started to lose my faith altogether. 

Marcion of Sinope, "the great heretic of the early church", around 144 Common Era, did not explain away difficulties of the Old Testament with allegorical interpretations. And unlike many orthodox church fathers, he did not accuse Jews for killing Christ. In the Old Testament Marcion saw God who was jealous and revengeful, who loved one group of people and hated another; who was capricious and malevolent, telling his followers to kill women and children when they conquered the land of Canaanites. In the Christian Scriptures Marcion saw Jesus preaching peace and love for all. Jesus had no favorites nor enemies. He was the messenger of God, alien God, different from morally and intellectually imperfect warrior god of the Old Testament; alien God who was not exposed in Jewish writings, and unknown before Jesus Christ. Joshua conquered the promised land with violence and cruelty, Christ forbade violence and preached mercy. God told Israelites to leave Egypt with silver and gold of Egypt; Jesus sends his disciples out with no gold or silver or copper... God requires sacrifices and disapproves them, he chooses people and regrets his choices, he creates darkness and evil (Isaiah 45:7), sends disasters and regrets them. He is the god of destruction, murder and genocide. 

Some esotericists claim that Jesus avoided using term "God", except when he quoted the Old Testament, and spoke of "the Father" instead. Thus he did not speak of Yahweh. His worst crime was to criticize in public the national god of Jews, whom he called "your father the devil" (John 8:44). 

When he said, "I am in the Father, and the Father is in me" (John 14:10), the former part represents the omnipotence of the Father, and the latter part his closeness within man's soul. Man is finite consciousness within God's infinite consciousness. Sometimes Jesus said the Father is in secret, meaning, no ideas created by men can picture this reality. He also said, nobody had seen the Father, but Yahweh was seen by Moses, Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and the seventy elders of Israel (Exodus 24). In temptation story, old ideal of god is personified and manifested before Jesus: "the prince of this world", "father of lies", who takes Jesus up to the mountain in spirit, saying, "you will have all the riches of the world if you serve me" - that is, "submit to the service of same god as others, and don't disturb their peace with new teachings, and I will make you powerful." And Jesus said: "You shall worship the Lord your God, and him only shall you serve"- voice of the truth within, even if the world was against it. 

Pekka Ervast, Finnish theosophist and rosicrucian, who was important figure to me on my spiritual path - and whose teachings are valued in Star of Azazel as well - outlined a new reformation, and he said Christian churches should make a clear distinction between the "Old" and the "New Testament"; they should say The New Testament is the fundamental book of Christianity, and they should part with The Old Testament, saying, it's religion of Jews, and there are other kind of sacred writings, more beautiful than those collected in The Old Testament. 

According to German theologian, Adolf von Harnack, continuity of The Old Testament in the Christian Bible may lead to emphasis on righteousness and painstaking legalism instead of mercy and love. 

There is a clever observation in the novel I like to quote:

For the majority of people, though they do not know what to do with this life, long for another that shall have no end.

As a Buddhist, it is clear to me, but even as Christian esotericist I did not believe in continuance of personal human psyche. Traditional Christian "hope" for everlasting life was born out of fear of death, and it is extremely egoistic by nature. I would even say it is perverted. I mean, what kind of person wants to preserve their imperfect personality for eternity?! There is nothing noble and beautiful about that.  And yet I don't mean I wouldn't believe in some kind of "spiritual world" and existence beyond death. It just has its limits as well. It's not static state of being. Pekka Ervast said: if people would go right to the Heaven with all their faults and flaws, Heaven would lose much of its appeal; and if they just dropped off their faults and flaws, then what is there left of them as persons anyway.  

Following is a longer quote from the end of novel, a sublime pinnacle of the story, containing profound  wisdom. Satan is preparing for the second battle against Heavens, and he dreams he has won...

And Satan had himself crowned God. Thronging round the glittering walls of Heavenly Jerusalem, apostles, pontiffs, virgins, martyrs, confessors, the whole company of the elect, who during the fierce battle had enjoyed delightful tranquillity, tasted infinite joy in the spectacle of the coronation.

The elect saw with ravishment the Most High precipitated into Hell, and Satan seated on the throne of the Lord. In conformity with the will of God which had cut them off from sorrow they sang in the ancient fashion the praises of their new Master.

And Satan, piercing space with his keen glance, contemplated the little globe of earth and water where of old he had planted the vine and formed the first tragic chorus. And he fixed his gaze on that Rome where the fallen God had founded his empire on fraud and lie. Nevertheless, at that moment a saint ruled over the Church. Satan saw him praying and weeping. And he said to him:

"To thee I entrust my Spouse. Watch over her faithfully. In thee I confirm the right and power to decide matters of doctrine, to regulate the use of the sacraments, to make laws and to uphold purity of morals. And the faithful shall be under obligation to conform thereto. My Church is eternal, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. Thou art infallible. Nothing is changed."

And the successor of the apostles felt flooded with rapture. He prostrated himself, and with his forehead touching the floor, replied:

"O Lord, my God, I recognise Thy voice! Thy breath has been wafted like balm to my heart. Blessed be Thy name. Thy will be done on Earth, as it is in Heaven. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

And Satan found pleasure in praise and in the exercise of his grace; he loved to hear his wisdom and his power belauded. He listened with joy to the canticles of the cherubim who celebrated his good deeds, and he took no pleasure in listening to Nectaire's flute, because it celebrated nature's self, yielded to the insect and to the blade of grass their share of power and love, and counselled happiness and freedom. Satan, whose flesh had crept, in days gone by, at the idea that suffering prevailed in the world, now felt himself inaccessible to pity. He regarded suffering and death as the happy results of omnipotence and sovereign kindness. And the savour of the blood of victims rose upward towards him like sweet incense. He fell to condemning intelligence and to hating curiosity. He himself refused to learn anything more, for fear that in acquiring fresh knowledge he might let it be seen that he had not known everything at the very outset. He took pleasure in mystery, and believing that he would seem less great by being understood, he affected to be unintelligible. Dense fumes of Theology filled his brain. One day, following the example of his predecessor, he conceived the notion of proclaiming himself one god in three persons. Seeing Arcade smile as this proclamation was made, he drove him from his presence. Istar and Zita had long since returned to earth. Thus centuries passed like seconds. Now, one day, from the altitude of his throne, he plunged his gaze into the depths of the pit and saw Ialdabaoth in the Gehenna where he himself had long lain enchained. Amid the everlasting gloom Ialdabaoth still retained his lofty mien. Blackened and shattered, terrible and sublime, he glanced upwards at the palace of the King of Heaven with a look of proud disdain, then turned away his head. And the new god, as he looked upon his foe, beheld the light of intelligence and love pass across his sorrow-stricken countenance. And lo! Ialdabaoth was now contemplating the Earth and, seeing it sunk in wickedness and suffering, he began to foster thoughts of kindliness in his heart. On a sudden he rose up, and beating the ether with his mighty arms, as though with oars, he hastened thither to instruct and to console mankind. Already his vast shadow shed upon the unhappy planet a shade soft as a night of love.

And Satan awoke bathed in an icy sweat.

Nectaire, Istar, Arcade, and Zita were standing round him. The finches were singing.

"Comrades," said the great archangel, "no—we will not conquer the heavens. Enough to have the power. War engenders war, and victory defeat.

"God, conquered, will become Satan; Satan, conquering, will become God. May the fates spare me this terrible lot; I love the Hell which formed my genius. I love the Earth where I have done some good, if it be possible to do any good in this fearful world where beings live but by rapine. Now, thanks to us, the god of old is dispossessed of his terrestrial empire, and every thinking being on this globe disdains him or knows him not. But what matter that men should be no longer submissive to Ialdabaoth if the spirit of Ialdabaoth is still in them; if they, like him, are jealous, violent, quarrelsome, and greedy, and the foes of the arts and of beauty? What matter that they have rejected the ferocious Demiurge, if they do not hearken to the friendly demons who teach all truths; to Dionysus, Apollo, and the Muses? As to ourselves, celestial spirits, sublime demons, we have destroyed Ialdabaoth, our Tyrant, if in ourselves we have destroyed Ignorance and Fear."

And Satan, turning to the gardener, said:

"Nectaire, you fought with me before the birth of the world. We were conquered because we failed to understand that Victory is a Spirit, and that it is in ourselves and in ourselves alone that we must attack and destroy Ialdabaoth."

 All I can say to this is: Hail Satan! 😈

See also: The Litany of Satan by Charles Baudelaire

Les Litanies Des Satan performed by Theatres Des Vampires

This I know in my Heart: My Experience of Gnosis

 This post came into being because I'm writing a series of posts, based on my old diaries from 1990's, for my Finnish blog, and I just reached the year 1995 when I turned 25 and joined the Gnostic Mystery School, Lectorium Rosicrucianum. This was a phase in my life I have only briefly mentioned before, yet it had enormous effect on me. That was the first time I ever have addressed this topic so straightforward in Finnish as well. 

See Wikipedia on Lectorium Rosicrucianum. Also: Lectorium Rosicrucianum: A Dutch Movement Becomes International (pdf), by Massimo Introvigne, Italian sociologist of religion. 

Symbol of Lectorium Rosicrucianum

[Addition 2/23/2025: I have read experiences of other ex-pupils, see Reddit: An Overview of Lectorium Rosicrucianum. Interestingly, LR apparently tolerates watching television nowadays. There are even hints that homosexuality would be no longer seen just as bad, or something that can be "cured" anyway. Also, I did not know that the founder's son, Henk Leene,  resigned with some pupils, and founded his own esoteric movement in 1970's (I read this on Wikipedia: see German page and use Google Translate) - Sivas Esoteric Community, which seemingly evolved to more open and free direction, emphasizing individuality instead of strong group mentality, gradually distancing itself from rosicrucianism, changing its terminology, and abandoning prohibitions and rules of life - and they did not claim they are the one and only true spiritual school! See "Henk and Mia Leene Library" (use Google Translate). There are also free downloadable documents available: Unmasking a sect: Dossier on the Lectorium Rosicrucianum.

I was lucky to get out so early: as hard as it was, how much harder it would have been in longer run. I'm more and more convinced that in LR nobody actually knows what they are doing - they just exist in their own bubble. Also, I'm convinced of validity of my way more than ever!] 

I first met Lectorium Rosicrucianum in the fall of 1994 at New Age fair in Helsinki, Finland. That is their target group, people who are interested in New Age and Esoterism etc., and already somewhat familiar with that imagery and vocabulary, even though LR makes its own concoction out of these ingredients. 

I ordered their introduction course, and right after that, instruction course of 12 letters. I also corresponded with their contact person in Finland, asking questions. I had sleepless nights while pondering, and felt like I was starting to understand and accept. New Age geek became a fanatical gnostic. Somehow it was a relief to give up many beliefs and customs I had cherished. It was earthmoving, shaking foundations of my life so far. I likened it to personal reformation: unimportant things were dropped off, the essential things grew brighter. I felt like I was looking at such heights, that I had never experienced anything so powerful and all-encompassing, not before nor after - to yearn for God like a drowning person needs air. Today it's very dim and distant. Now it's easy to see what it really was, as the glamour has faded long time ago. Of course I didn't think I was fanatical, or just blind believer: Nobody can see that themselves when it is current. My diary during that period is quite a rant: I was one of the few chosen ones who knew the truth and followed it. 

Center of Lectorium Rosicrucianum in Sweden (picture by me)

In January 1995 I traveled with other Finnish members to Sweden, our neighboring country, where LR has a center, for weekend conference, and I was installed as a preparatory pupil (I'm not sure if that is a name they use of this stage in English). After one year, I performed the sacrament of covenant and signed the act of covenant, thus becoming a trial pupil (again, this is only my translation), followed by affirmative installation at the temple in Stockholm, Sweden. After that, two years later, I was invited to become acknowledging pupil [note: "confessing" might be more appropriate], who will acknowledge the requirements of being a pupil by change of their way of life, their neutrality and gentleness, but then I was in situation that made me feel like I'm not able to do this, so I denied and remained just as outer member, until permanently resigning by the end of 1999. Those three stages of being a pupil are "outer School"; there is obviously more - inner School. All degrees are allegedly spiritual - each pupil will proceed in their own pace, only the goal is one and same. Everyone will demonstrate their progress like an open book, you can't hide or pretend. Each degree requires more powerful connection between a pupil and the gnostic force field, so that pupil will transform in process, that will culminate in full liberation, leaving this world for good and association with the Universal Brotherhood. 

Temple of Lectorium Rosicrucianum (picture found from internet)

In inexperience and naivety of my youth, I was very vulnerable, anything but mature, therefore easily influenced, that's how it began, and that also became an obstacle to me on this road, when I finally started to see life. 

Anyone who has ever belonged to movement demanding basically your whole life and complete devotion, whether it is the Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons or whatever, will probably understand what I went through, even if they don't understand a word of this doctrine. I think even today this doctrine may sound strange for those who are familiar with esoterism as well, just like it was new to me back then. I rarely bump into Lectorium Rosicrucianum nowadays, unless I intentionally look for it, even though it has apparently grown a bit after those early days in Finland too (in Finland it was only officially founded in 1995: I was the fourth pupil here at that time). It stands apart from other movements, because it considers itself special and unique, and its doctrine certainly is not appealing to crowds, because it's so exclusive and demanding. 

My drawing from ´90s

LR makes a sharp distinction between this world - which includes the other side inhabited by the dead as well: we are trapped within a cycle of life and death - and the divine world we can reach only through the process of total transformation, "transfiguration", rebirth. This world is not the original creation of God, but only temporary emergency order after the fall. It is very gnostic distinction, but I don't know any other modern gnostic movement highlighting it that much. 

It was taught that there is so called "vacuum of Shamballa", a kind of force field, forming the other side of the School after death, where pupils advanced enough were taken in, and it was apart from "the reflection sphere", where ordinary people went after they died, protecting pupils from its deceitful forces. Ultimately, it is "the ark" that will carry them to the divine world when the time is full. 

Of course there was also apocalyptic vision: The year 2001 was mentioned in literature [allegedly based on "chronology" of the great pyramid of Giza! This is mentioned in "unmasking a sect"-dossier], but I was told it didn't mean the end of the world. There was allegedly time for the first phase of School's work up to that, but it was tentative, and as I was told, they were behind in plan: there were not enough pupils of 5. and 6. degrees, who were needed to carry the rest. The School was said to gather as large "harvest" as possible: then it was supposed to transform - the inner School would disappear from the world, the ark will take off. School will function, but those who later become pupils, can no longer move forward on the path because of changing radiation conditions. They can be the first ones who react positively in the next manifestation day. Since I was no longer a pupil, and not in contact with anyone for long time, I have no idea how it's going with that. But isn't it familiar and convenient concept: "we were not ready, we had to postpone the time." Who would want to join, if they could not make progress? And yet there is this feeling of urgency: "Hurry up, as long as there is time". "Manifestation day" refers to Manvantara in Hindu cosmology, very long cyclic period of time: according to LR, each manifestation day will end with destruction, earth is purified before mankind makes it uninhabitable, and everything will begin fresh and new, and it's easier to react positively to liberating gnostic impulse. I admit it's quite easy to fall for apocalyptic thinking while looking around this world today. 

Because I have always been interested in religions and spiritual movements, I also know a lot about the doctrine of the Latter Day Saints, even though I don't believe a word, and I remember one time I was with a group of people and I told them some of those teachings, and we laughed. Afterwards I was ashamed. It is easy to laugh outside. I should know better. Peer support might do good: at least you get perspective for your own experiences. Even if the worldview and terminology may have been different, with everything I have heard or read, I have realized years later that my experience might not fundamentally differ from anyone's experience, who has "found God", so to speak. 

Jan van Rijckenborgh

At very early point it became clear to me that on this road acting on homosexual orientation was seen as an obstacle, and it didn't even surprise me; somehow it was intellectually acceptable to me, but not in my heart. Something that was not a problem to me, was brought in front of me as if it were a problem, from outside. I was told LR reacts to homosexuality "negatively, but not judgmentally". What does that even mean? You start to judge yourself anyway. The founder of LR, Jan van Rijckenborgh, wrote about subject very bluntly, calling homosexuality sickness, sin and abnormality, just like conservative Christians! Biblical arguments had nothing to do with it; reasons were "gnostic". It was said to affect all bodies of human, probably disturbing correct polarization: man was supposed to have positively polarized material body, negatively polarized etheric body, positively polarized desire body, and negatively polarized thinking ability (not a full-grown "body" yet); woman had vice versa. So co-operation of these two could not be realized and that would nullify possibility to walk this path. The key was a gradual neutralization, so that sexuality would move away from physical needs, they were dissolved. Ultimately, it was supposed to be the same for heterosexuals too. Reason for homosexuality, as I was told, was the past live as a monk or nun. I don't know if this makes any sense... or actually, I know it does not: obviously, I don't believe any of it now.  Anyway, "the cure" was firstly not to live by this "twisted inclination", and secondly, to orient oneself towards the path with full orientation, and walk it determinedly. 

First I confronted great turmoil within my soul as I saw the movie "Maurice" (yes, I made an exception and watched it on TV) and read a book by E.M. Forster it is based on. I became aware of my loneliness. However, I felt the literature of the Spiritual School (as LR is also called) was like a ray of light through stormy clouds. 

Maurice (1987), re-release trailer

I thought I was prepared to live alone, but suddenly I found myself in short but fervent event of life, accompanied by experiments with alcohol (I had never drunk before) and few unsatisfying one-night stands (I was inexperienced). Then I met my soon-to-be long-term partner. 

Conflict tore me in two directions. It was long and painful process. I even tried to deny all spirituality awhile and focus completely on mundane, but it didn't carry me far. 

It took me over 10 years before I could rationally admit even to myself, that I was in a narrow-minded cult (I'm fully aware how controversial term this is: I'm only using it for lack of a better word), and it was not just me who "failed to adjust". Everything was presented with a smile, explaining, that "everyone will personally see that this is true". Bollocks! From the very beginning, it is brainwashing: when the world is pictured dark and hopeless, and this is the only way to salvation, you better run - to opposite direction! 

My drawing from ´90s

We were told there are seven liberating spiritual schools operating in the world, but interestingly, LR was the only one working in public. Leaders of the School had supposedly met members of Chinese Taoist School. How convenient is that: "See, we are not the only one; you just will never hear about others, they work in secret." 

Pupil has to accept certain rules of life, like vegetarianism, avoiding tobacco and alcohol, and leather or fur clothing, and watching television. I didn't feel like I was giving up anything important, I already observed many of those rules. Gradually they will become aware of many other things they should avoid, like rock music. I learnt to appreciate classical music too, so I guess that was a good thing. However, already back then I found it a bit peculiar that LR in their publications uncritically cited claims that a band name KISS is an acronym for "Knights in Satan's Service", which I had heard when the waves of Satanic panic from the US reached the Nordic shores, and I thought it was stupid. Yet LR also criticized common Christianity. 

Perhaps surprisingly, meditation is warned against, and also many forms of alternative medicine, including all energy healing, like reiki, which I was practicing (and still am today, after pausing for those few years). Also, all churches and their rituals were warned against, and of course all other esoteric movements were wrong, or incomplete. Like, theosophy and anthroposophy were seen as preparatory stages before timely outpouring of the universal doctrine. This is very typical, I think: "they preceded us, but we are better: we have something more." 

According to their doctrine, people have two souls: active nature soul born of temporal world, and hidden divine soul. Like attracts like, and person who hasn't turned and purified one's being, meditates with their own consciousness and can only attract arbitrariness of energies of this nature order. How uplifting and beautiful it may be, it is very deceitful. Old methods were in order in specific time and place, but conditions have changed. I had a little crisis of faith, as their teachings were so radically divergent from the mainstream spirituality. 

My drawing from ´90s

As for the alternative medicine, I was told it's essential that it doesn't operate on occultism; or tie you even tighter with mundane cycle, furthering your petrification; or somehow apply the modern science of psychology. Even aromatherapy or color therapy were out of the question. Homeopathy was OK. Interestingly, I heard a story that C.G. Jung was originally supposed to establish a mystery school of this era, but he chose another path. It is well known fact that he was interested in gnosticism for awhile, and I still find his thoughts on matter valid. (See also: The Gnostic Jung and the Seven Sermons to the Dead.)

I loved the Gnostics in spite of everything, because they recognized the necessity of some further raisonnement, entirely absent in the Christian cosmos. - Carl Jung

Certainly I did adopt some thoughts I have kept until this day. Above all, the idea that "The Great White Brotherhood", or whatever you want to call it, if you believe in such a thing (and I don't take a stand on that), never operates personally, never appeals to your ego. There is no room for "messengers", or "master-this-and-that". I discuss this in my post, Western Esoterism vs. Buddhism. Also, general distrust for channeling has remained; this is something H.P. Blavatsky already spoke of (see "the danger and deception of channeling"). 

LR brought back to my life the fear of death I already once had left behind me, and I had to work on that for many years. It took me over ten years to get rid of its influence, even after I resigned. Still sometimes a thought has crossed my mind: "What if it is true?" Even though many details seem completely irrational. The more detailed doctrine, the more suspicious it is: "We have explanation for everything." A proof how deeply harmful teachings like this really are. Even after 30 years I felt anxiety reading my memoirs. I have never really dealt with that period, I only wanted to suppress all my feelings about it, replacing it by actively committing to a new church. I didn't resign because I stopped believing - not for a long time - but because I had met my late partner... and not because I had fallen in love with him, as one might expect. I was kind of taken by the circumstances, without will of my own, and surrendered to my fate. Yet it is wise to discern controlling movement from relationship, which may have not started with best and pure motives on my part (I briefly touch this in my post, New Revelations); I got rid of the former because of the latter, and it was a good thing, just took long time to understand it. 

My personal history may have a connection to a fact that all rules of life based on spiritual view are a big NO to me. In Nichiren Buddhism there are schools that don't find the five precepts of Buddha relevant. Only the practice (Namu Myoho Renge Kyo: see my other blog) is relevant. As an independent practitioner I gladly embrace this view, choosing the teachings that speak to me. This is one more reason why Nichiren Buddhism. It doesn't mean I go around doing bad things, you just don't have to tell me what not to do, and how to live my life. I don't miss absolute truths, or otherworldly rewards: my way of practicing spirituality keeps me down to earth; I don't need complicated explanations, only the simple and practical method that surpasses thinking and is free from feelings. 

"Don't be a dick!" This is a summary of my ethics, highlighted by the fact that I first saw this kind of poster in gay porn flick. It reminds me of the words by John Shore I have often quoted (and this is by memory): "Christians, whenever you say, 'I only speak the truth in love', what others hear is: 'I am a dick.' So, stop saying that... unless you are. In that case, continue, I guess." 

For me it is easier to accept the reiki principles, because they don't go to details of everyday life. I remind myself of them everyday. There are different versions, but I found one that appeals to me especially. According to reiki teacher Frans Stiene, Mikao Usui - the founder of reiki system - may have given various students slightly different versions to support their spiritual advancement and understanding, and this version he is said to have taught his buddhist students, as he was buddhist himself (I have to partially translate from Stiene's book published in Finnish, couldn't find this exact version on his webpage): 

Do not anger, for anger is an illusion
Do not worry, for fear is a distraction
Be true to your way and your true self
Show compassion to yourself and others
For this is the foundation of the Buddha nature

Getting angry and worrying are exactly two features that mostly bother me about myself: I let other people effect me so that I get angry, or I worry about things that haven't happened and I only imagine. Both shake my balance: I don't stay calm within myself, or present in the moment. And obviously compassion is a challenge I have been struggling with. It could be that I don't even love myself as much as I used to think I do. But needless to say: being true to my way and my true self is what my life is all about! 

Basically, people can do whatever they want with their lives, unless it is illegal, and it hardly takes anything meaningful away from you, if you don't watch television or drink alcohol or eat meat... One can only question that it is required: it is another matter if it is your choice from the very beginning. And if you can obey the rules you have chosen to obey, that doesn't make you a better person. It is completely different thing when we step into personal and intimate area of sexuality, and you are told you are wrong kind of man or woman, and therefore not allowed to love. And when you believe it and start to restrain yourself and your life - your life force... then we cross such a tremendous human line, that it has to be strictly condemned! 

It is good to understand, that just like Christianity has been divided to various sects and denominations, with very large differences on views and practices, and some of them even think they represent the one and only true Christianity, same goes with gnosticism too. As I used to be Christian myself, I sometimes cited a phrase, "There are as many ways to be Christian, as there are Christians." Likewise, Victor White, an English Dominican Priest who corresponded and collaborated with C.G. Jung, said: "There were almost as many gnoses as there were people who called themselves gnostics or who have been called gnostics by later historians." 

Despite of my experience in one modern gnostic movement, I did not lose my interest in gnosticism in general. After strictness of Lectorium Rosicrucianum, I was just pleased with more liberal interpretation of it. Some of these ideas include: Gnostics emphasized primality of immediate experience. Gnostic can approve in faith what others have said only temporarily, until they have found their own path. Gnosticism was a movement of spirit without absolute boundaries. True gnosis is mystical knowledge and experience one can reach through inner intuitive ways, which transcends outer shape of reality. 

LR used a word "Gnosis" in varying nuances, as I understood it: it might refer to God, Static Kingdom of God, Radiation Force, Christ Hierarchy... all these names were used as equivalent. They don't really indicate what I understand by Gnosis today: "thinking with a heart". 

In Finland we have nowadays one modern gnostic movement of our own, founded in Finland in 2009 and working in Finland only: The Gnostic Society of Finland. There is only brief English introduction: 

The purpose of the Society is

• to nurture the gnostic spiritual heritage,
• to spread the knowledge of Gnosticism,
• to promote gnostic research and teaching activities,
• to create conditions for the practice of gnostic spirituality,
• to strengthen the spiritual connection and sense of community among its members,
• to strengthen the spiritual connection and sense of community of its members,
• to guide its members to inner integrity, love of neighbor and tolerance and
• to act as a link for those interested in Gnosticism.

The activities of the Society include

• public lectures,
• discussion sessions,
• reading groups and study groups,
• mass services and devotional services,
• the Mystery School lectures,
• the esoteric Gnostic Rite,
• Correspondence School and
• self-study materials.

I'm pleased that it seems more like blanket spirituality, not focused on Christian gnosis, like so many modern gnostics. It's about universal message of love, that's how I get it. And they do bless the union of same-sex couples! I would love to take part in their gnostic Mass, but it is held only in Helsinki - not impossible, but requires travelling. 

I may have considered myself a Christian already as a member of LR, which has been described as "christo-centric mystery school", but they taught the Gospels would be true whether Jesus lived or not, because they presented the path everyone must walk by themselves. This was not far from teachings of Pekka Ervast (see the link lists of this blog), Finnish theosophist and rosicrucian, who was my spiritual mentor before LR and also after. In his book, The Esoteric School of Jesus, he refers to different theories in regard to Jesus Christ. Then he writes: 

We must first ask what the words mean. "Christ" is not a noun nor pronoun, which would be suitable, as such, as a name for a person but an adjective which means "anointed", in Hebrew - Masshiah, Messiah. The Jews held - as did Christians later on - that the Messiah was a certain person, and Jesus denies this conception of "anointed" as a form of person in the first of above mentioned excerpts from the Bible. [Matthew 22:41-46]...

Looking at it from the spiritual point of view, there is only one important thing, and this is that a human being should know that he is the son of God. Because his own "I", his inner soul, his true self is not of the material world but is of God...

All these human Egos, of which every human being has one, are therefore born of God, and when the "I" born of God has become conscious, of its own divine descent, aware of the fact that he is the son of God, then he is stepped into the "anointed" life, then he is "Christ" or "anointed"...

So, when I was exploring The Christian Community, esoteric christian church based on Rudolf Steiner's anthroposophy, it was hard for me to get hold of idea that God had become man and walked this earth, idea so fundamental to mainstream Christianity, but also part of Steiner's Christology, often stigmatised heretical [see in this blog, A.P. Shepherd: Spiritual Science and the Christian Churches]: yet it was through that I came to basic Christian views on incarnation, crucifixion as utter deed of redemption, and resurrection. In the beginning it was very difficult, I was suspicious about many things I saw or heard: it was so different. But I kept attending services on regular basis, and came to love my church because I loved Christ who gave himself to me through bread and wine. I was touched by the image of Beloved Disciple, who leans on his master's chest, listening to his heartbeats, and I was able to identify with him. Obviously, that was very emotional attitude. I desperately wanted to believe! The Christian Community was my lifeline that saved me from spiritual death! For me, name of Rudolf Steiner was a guarantee there must be something deeper here, and of course the key question to me was a position on homosexuality: today the Christian Community blesses the union of same-sex couples. 

The Christian Community does not consider itself the one and only true church, but I brought this attitude with me and took everything I heard or read for granted, before I started to think for myself. But of course I had to settle first. Over 10 years later, I had become such an independent thinker, I was already beginning to move further away - around that time I came into the reckoning with my past - when it really hit me hard that not all my thoughts were accepted, and I was even attacked [see my post, Disillusioned - Enlightened]. When I finally reached the dead end on that path as well, I was coming closer to my gnostic roots, first as Luciferian, then as Buddhist. ( See previous post, "My visit on the 'Dark Side'") I need to add that today I'm at ease with the Christian Community, still a member officially, not attending much, but I do appreciate them. I just don't believe in Christianity anymore (and hardly in humanity either; it's a constant struggle). 

It is interesting that regardless how large and mainstream Nichiren Buddhism is in Japan, it is so original that it is sometimes criticized and looked suspiciously by members of other schools of Buddhism. When I was still christian, I found this webpage called Ways of Christ, and liked the vast variety of information it provides: there are references to numerous sources. Concerning Buddhism, it says: "Among the Buddhist schools of thought, the teachings of Nichiren could appear as a bridge." For full context, read the entire page. Certainly for me it has been a natural progress: I didn't find Nichiren Buddhism, it sort of found me and it was like coming home. As I studied Nichiren Buddhism, I noticed I was already thinking along those lines, and devotional and ceremonial aspect was very much like what I did as Christian on my own... I have kept everything on my long journey I still treasure today. 

In my experience, in Lectorium Rosicrucianum members just complied with expectations and rules, only selected information was given about leadership, structure was hierarchical, and leaders, higher ranked pupils, were considered spiritually more advanced supermen! Instead of individual diversity of humanity members were expected to "lose themselves" and form a "group unity": could it sound more cult-like? In the Christian Community there was freedom of thought... and honestly, a lot of conflicts between people, also difficulties in collaboration among priesthood, and even I couldn't avoid that. Yet I think it was just a problem of imperfect people, as we all are, who were given this kind of freedom, a natural side effect and byproduct of such freedom. (But obviously this freedom had its limits as well... and that was narrow-mindedness of some people!) 

A friend once got me almost annoyed when we messaged, discussing matters of faith, as he said he has experienced (knows) that God (and Jesus and Christ) exist... until I payed attention to a word "experienced": If you claim to know something like that, it seems arrogant and questions other people's experience that can be just as strong, but led to different conclusions. But if "knowing" is understood as Gnosis, inner personal and intuitive knowledge, it can be - and it has to be - subjective (as many gnoses as there are gnostics): It doesn't make your experience merely imaginative, you only have clothed pure experience with definite thoughtform. 

Personally I have discovered how similar atmosphere there seems to be between the Lotus Sutra, that Nichiren Buddhism highly values, and the Gnostic Gospels. Like someone said: Mahayana Sutras picture the magical world full of archetypal figures living beyond historical time and space. Sutras appeal to spiritual imagination. They pursue to expand and work imagination through the methods of visionary drama. 

Or as Sangharakshita, British Buddhist teacher, put it (my own translation from Finnish, since I haven't found the original text):

"Generally, presentations of Buddhism in the west emphasize the rational side, or even give the impression that Buddhism is solely rational. We are told about Buddhist thought and philosophy, Buddhist metaphysics, psychology, and logic, and sometimes all that feels very dry and academic. However, another side represented by myths, symbols, and imagination, emotions, and vision, is not any less important, and for many people it is perhaps even more important. This is why we must absorb the writings, appealing to our emotions, like parables, myths, and symbols of Mahayana, included in the White Lotus Sutra." 

The Hymn of the Pearl in the Acts of Thomas shares a lot in common with the Parable of the Jewel in the Robe in the Lotus Sutra. The story is different of course, but it is penetrated by the sense of familiarity. The idea is undoubtedly same: There is something more, something precious, within a man, but it is easily forgotten or ignored in the midst of this world. 

The scientific study on Gnosticism is interesting enough, without any esoteric theories. See, for example, Gnosticism and "the Gnostics" (pdf) by Ismo Dunderberg, professor at University of Helsinki. 

Also, you may think this is not related issue, but I see connection: I highly recommend a book by Finnish physicist (and reiki master!), Johanna Blomqvist: Hyperreality - Beyond the horizon where physics meets consciousness. It was a revelation. I had missed a popular writing on quantum physics, and here I found it! This book came to me in right time: it confirmed conclusions I had come to, in my own ways. It was kind of easy to understand, almost obvious to me. It suits well with eastern ideas, I think. Everything is energy, everything is interconnected. Separation and opposition are virtual or surface. Spirit and matter are not opposites to each other, apart from each other. 

Reality is subjective, therefore truth is also subjective. It is not about opinions, but experience. "Opposite of correct statement is false statement, but opposite of correct truth can be another correct truth", as physicist Niels Bohr has said (in my translation). Everyone of us forms our own idea of reality, more or less aware of what this idea is based on. In the end we are alone, each one depending on our own thinking, because we have to choose whose view, whose teaching we trust. It's easy to think our own mind is the right one, because each of us has experience only about the process that led to our own values and view of reality. 

Reality is what we think is real. What we think is real, is what we believe in. What we believe in, defines what we think is real. What we think is real, is our reality. - Physicist David Bohm

MAGICAL REALITY

 We are very much afraid of the word magic, it has a bad name, for its meaning has degenerated and it has a purely superstitious sound in our ears. But magical was originally simply psychical, the ancients did not know of the existence of the psyche, so not being able to call anything psychic they used the word magic. ~Carl Jung, ETH Lecture XI, 3Feb1939, Page 71.

Magic is the working of men on men, but your magic action does not affect your neighbor; it affects you first, and only if you withstand it does an invisible effect pass from you to your neighbor. ~Carl Jung, The Red Book, Page 308.

The ancients devised magic to compel fate. They needed it to determine outer fate. We need it to determine inner fate and to find the way that we are unable to conceive. ~Carl Jung, The Red Book, Page 311.

In this post I would like to discuss something I have been doing for years, even before I became a Buddhist, and increasingly in past two years: magic (or magick, if you wish). Or should I say, magic as I see it; I don't claim to be an expert of any sort, with a lot of literary knowledge on subject: I am more of a doer. And as one might argue, that applies to my Buddhist practice as well. Precisely, I practice, everyday. I should read more... after all, study is one of the three basic elements of Nichiren Buddhism - faith, practice, and study. 

However, I know enough to quote so called experts. Aleister Crowley formulated his definition of magic as "the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with  will." And, "every intentional act is a magical act." He also said: "Magic is real. And reality... it is magical." 

I readily admit I'm inclined towards magical thinking, and I see nothing wrong with that; It makes life much more meaningful and fascinating, when you are able to see it this way: miraculous! I have often witnessed small occurrences, that strengthened my faith and trust also in bigger circumstances: everything is alright. Your spirituality is weighed in mundane. (Jung came up with a concept of Synchronicity, a meaningful coincidence.)

Of course the downside of magical thinking would be superstitious fear of the unknown, but I leave that for Christians. When I was a child I feared the dark, because of what might lurk in there; Now that I'm grown up, darkness is a friend who protectively covers me under her velvety cloak (I should write a poem!). 

Also as a child, I remember how I used to see the shapes of people and animals in foliage of treetops against the sky. I can't see them anymore. I have been told I was not the only one. Jesus told us to become as little children to be able to enter into the kingdom of heaven. Children enjoy the world as it is with all their senses, without knowing of "evil" and "sin", and they still live in heaven here and now. So, I think "heaven" is a realm of creativity and imagination, and being like children is to surrender to this play in earnest, but not too seriously.  As a child I used to create enormous imaginary worlds, and oh, how devotedly I prepared to play, before I even started! In latter age I realized it was related to my religious life: The same play was continued, just in the name of religion this time, the Holy Play, so to speak, and rituals and symbols were the language of that state of being, language of the subconscious mind. (I have a feeling I have used almost these exact words before, but I couldn't find where, and it doesn't matter; They still fit in here perfectly.)

Wikipedia article on Magic and religion, states: "Religion and magic became conceptually separated in the West where the distinction arose between supernatural events sanctioned by approved religious doctrine versus magic rooted in other religious sources. With the rise of Christianity this became characterized with the contrast between divine miracles versus folk religion, superstition, or occult speculation." 

Modern study has questioned this contrast, and magic is rather seen as one of many forms of religious practice. Yes, we all know the bible reads, "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live", among other things. Personally, I don't give a f**k. Nevertheless, what the bible says, it is full of descriptions of magical acts, and obviously in positive light when they are performed by the followers of Hebrew god. It's just not very interesting to me, as Non-Christian. I only see ignorance and hypocrisy of Christians. You don't see in your religion what you see in others. Yet, it is undeniably there. Just like bible is full of astrological stuff, no matter how "clearly" it seems to be forbidden. Besides, there are nowadays even Christo-pagans. And by the way, The Eucharist is a magical ritual throughout; see Stephan A. Hoeller, The Gnosis of the Eucharist. 

John Myrdhin Reynolds, aka Vajranatha, writes about historical explanations of magic: 

In ancient times among the Egyptians, Babylonians, and Greeks, and in medieval times until after the Renaissance, magic was explained in terms of the organic model of reality and the world. In this model, every thing and every event is connected with each other in terms of sympathies and correspondences. Magic was taken as an objective reality. But with the rise of modern science in the 17th century, these old explanations of how magic works no longer sufficed in the face of a clock-like mechanistic universe. So, in the next two centuries magic came to be explained in terms of energies, including subtle or occult energy which could not be detected by machines. However such energies may be experienced by our bodies and by our minds, which are far more sensitive instruments than any machine. At the beginning of the last century, with the influence of Freud and Jung, a psychological dimension was added to the explanations of magic, with psychic energy becoming the libido and the old gods and spirits being seen as psychological archetypes, or even projections. Quantum physics has moved beyond the old assumptions of earlier 19th century physics and the role of the subject or observer in the occurence of every event has come to be recognized.

So, what about Buddhism? In his lecture, "Magic, healing and ethics in Tibetan Buddhism", Sam van Schaik says: "When I use the term ‘Buddhist magic’ I mean rituals entirely performed for thiswordly ends, in which the ultimate aim of Buddhism - awakening - is only indirectly present in the practice, if at all. When buddhas and bodhisattvas appear in these practices, their role as saviour or exemplar of enlightenment is not forefronted, and their purpose is only to guarantee the effects of the magic spell. And ‘magic’ overlaps with ‘medicine’ in that specific remedies are prescribed for specific problems."

Author Trevor Corson writes about the magic of Buddhism, and he refers to important figure in history of Japanese Buddhism, who is fairly unknown in the West: a priest named Kukai, who founded Shingon sect, or "True Word" School, much older than better known Zen, and even today Shingon claims as many adherents in Japan as Zen. According to legend, Kukai is also a person attributed to introduce male same-sex love into Japan, which obviously isn't true: it has always been everywhere. Interesting story anyway, and a legend affirmed these relations in 17th century Japan.  

Shingon is part of Vajrayana, Tantric Buddhism or esoteric Buddhism, just like Tibetan Buddhism: "emphasizing not quiet meditation but mystical magic"... "magical technologies for influencing the world—not for escaping from it"...

(Nichiren's critics on Shingon can be read here.)

Consciously and intentionally I rely on magic when I'm on the threshold: something needs to be left behind, and something new to be born. The most obvious time for this is the New Year's night. That is my oldest and consistently cyclic magical practice. When I became a Buddhist, I briefly considered abandoning my old habits, but it became clear to me that there was an inner need for that: It is the main point that your tradition feels vivid, and you don't do it just because you're accustomed to. On New Year's night the "energy" - for lack of a better word - can be very strong, as if all the wishes and good intentions of human race formed a kind of collective cloud you can draw from, and channel for your purpose. Like magic is vibrating all around in the air. New Year to me is the most important holiday. Ideally it includes both secular and sacred activities to an appropriate extent: you mustn't forget Champagne! 

Today I just more blatantly embrace the fact that I do magic as well. As I see it, it is more like a "hobby" or something, that operates on the surface of reality, where the opposites appear; Whereas Buddhism to me is a profound conviction, reaching deeper levels of existence, where All is One. Opposition and separation are just the face of things; on a deeper level everything is interconnected. As I have said before, my philosophy seamlessly encloses a religion I practice, but  it's not emptied by it, and my spirituality consists of manifold aspects, since man is manifold creature. You might be surprised that I consider myself very down-to-earth and critical. So, in case you wonder if I actually believe in all this, that's a tough one. I never claim, "This is the Truth". Some ideas are like useful tools. And if needed, you can trade them. In Buddhism, the word "faith" translated from the Pali language, is saddha (shraddha in Sanskrit), literally meaning "to place the heart upon". It is not blind belief or submission to the authority. One needs trust or confidence in their practice and their own potential. 

My spiritual "idol" today is not some Guru on a pedestal, but a fellow practitioner (of different tradition) much like myself; I can relate to many things she's gone through on her own path: Zeena Schreck. For over twenty years she has been a Vajrayana Buddhist, but as her website also says: "Zeena incorporates into her personal practices and teachings decades long study, practice and personal gnosis of Gnostic Sethian theurgy traditions, stemming from the ancient worship and primordial magical practices of the Egyptian deity Seth." But it is strongly stressed that "Zeena has... received instruction from her heart Lama Ayang Rinpoche on how to properly practice both Buddhism and Sethian theurgy without contradicting her Buddhist vows. This is applied in the same manner as with Buddhist practitioners who originally are of other religions, such as Christian or Hindu, who still maintain aspects of their original faiths at the same time as recognizing those faiths are not the true route to Liberation, Enlightenment and Omniscience as taught by the Buddha Shakyamuni. It should therefore be understood, that in no way does Zeena conflate her Sethian practices and teachings... with the Buddhist ones. Nor does she blend them together as many occultists, secular humanist, atheists, academics, and religious zealots of all persuasions, wrongly assume."

Even as an independent practitioner of Nichiren Buddhism, my practice is still formal and traditional. My magic, however, is the way to express my creativity. I find it more meaningful to form your own rituals, not to adopt what others have done, even though you may borrow some things. That is to say, it is personal. I find something similar in Chaos Magic. My magic is also Elemental Magic, because the four elements of fire, water, earth, and air have always been important to me. 

My drawing 1992

I usually don't use spiritual entities, gods or whatever, because it feels a little forced to me. In my 20's I was interested in Wicca, years before I became Christian, and in early 1990's there was no internet and not much information available. I expressed my interest in artistic manner. Later when I was deeper in a box of Christianity, I couldn't quite grasp the idea of worshiping old pagan gods - how could anyone actually still believe in them? I could not see that belief in godhead of Christianity was essentially and equally "strange". When I was freed from Christianity through Luciferianism, which was close to Neopaganism, I truly realized how you can believe in other gods - or at least work with their energies. Gods or demons, as well as many buddhas and bodhisattvas, are all aspects of oneself. 

On this video below, "Does Prayer actually work?", Morgue gives some good points to consider. According to him, prayer is a weak form of magic. Why weak? Because it transfers the power away from you - you give it to god, spirit, godhead. You project your power on something outside. Under the will of that godhead, you have bound yourself. There is no metaphysical force out there, Morgue argues, godhead exists in your mind, and your mind is powerful and makes things happen. Magic, on the other hand, emphasizes the willpower of a practitioner: If you work with the spirit, you don't beg, you command! You are a magician in the middle of circle, and everything revolves around you. You represent the central point of the universe in microcosm. Spirits don't really exist, they are aspects of your own consciousness. You are balancing your psyche, as advanced magician knows. The more complex the spell, the more it works your unconscious mind (like, if you write something down once, you may forget it; if you write it hundred times, you will more likely remember). The spell in itself won't do anything, it activates unconscious effort in your mind, and nothing impossible can occur. It is like placebo, often underrated, but its effect is real, and science can not fully explain it. Magic is transforming yourself, and through that you impact on others and change the world. That's a brief summary of video.  

In some Buddhist traditions, "prayer plays only an ancillary role" (Wikipedia); "It is largely a ritual expression of wishes for success in the practice and in helping all beings." Especially Soka Gakkai International seemingly likes to use a word prayer, which I think may be a little misleading in Buddhist context, as it easily conjures up a Christian idea. A word meditation could be used instead. Corresponding Finnish Wikipedia article says that the style of prayer in Nichiren Buddhism, when you recite the verses of the Lotus Sutra, is close to Western idea of prayer, but as it is added: Praying here can be understood as a process of deepening self-knowledge, which enables one to evolve as a human being. 

Sometimes it seems that in SGI people try to gain benefits by chanting, to achieve their goals in material world. Some people even refer to manifestation and the laws of attraction in this context, which is far-fetched and alien to me, and I don't mean to deny the conception altogether, it's just not Buddhism; mantra is not a magical formula. Even as a Christian, I didn't want to pray for some specific outcome or a concrete goal to be fulfilled, because it seemed too egoistic to me. And that is exactly what many Christians do. Yes, Jesus said, "You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." (John 14:14 NIV), but it needs to be put into perspective with his other words: "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6:8 NIV), and "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:13 NIV) Holy Spirit, Bread of Life, spiritual sustenance... Our Daily Bread in The Lord's Prayer. This is universal perspective. Spiritual development, enlightenment, is our primary goal. Every possible good attainment in life is a spin-off beside that. 

Only now in 2024 I found out about ancient Egyptian concept called Heka, and I think it is fascinating! Never before have I even heard about this, which is odd since I consider myself very educated on these matters, and instantly I was attracted to this idea, as sometimes may happen to me. I put the links at the bottom, but first I try to gather some main points together... 

Heka was the deification of magic and medicine in ancient Egypt. The name is the Egyptian word for "magic", and literally translates as "using the ka", also explained as "the first work". 

"Heka". Papyrus scroll on the right
is a symbol of an abstract concept

Its hieroglyphic spelling includes the symbol for the word ka, the Egyptian concept of the vital force. The word written in hieroglyphs consists of a twisted rope (h) - or a twist of flax, thought to resemble two snakes - and two parallel arms pointing up (ka). When a seated god is added, the text is referring to the god with the same name, who embodies the concept of heka. Magic empowered all the gods and Heka was also a god of power whose name was tied to this meaning. Originally his name may have meant "he who consecrates the ka" and he is called "Lord of the Kas" in the coffin texts. Ka was also an aspect of a person's or god's soul. Therefore Heka was originally the deity who watched over one's soul, gave one's soul power, energy, and allowed it to be elevated in death to the afterlife. 

God Heka

Ḥeka preceded all other Egyptian deities, and is probably the most important god in Egyptian mythology, among the oldest gods of Egypt, regarded as the power behind the gods, but often overlooked because his presence was so pervasive as to make him almost invisible. Magic enabled a personal relationship with the gods which linked the individual to the divine. In this way, Heka can be seen as the underlying form of spirituality in ancient Egypt regardless of the era or the gods most popular at any time. In the coffin texts Heka  speaks: "To me belonged the universe before you gods came into being. You have come afterwards because I am Heka". He was the protector and sustainer of humanity and of the gods they worshiped as well as the world and universe in which all lived.

He is sometimes seen in Egyptian art in the boat of the sun along with other personified elements, namely Sia (perception or insight) and Hu (creative utterance, authoritative speech). To human beings, he finds expression in the heart and the tongue, represented by gods Sia and Hu. Heka was the power which infused both. He was linked to the creative aspects of the heart and the tongue. The heart was considered the seat of one's individual personality, thought, and feeling, while the tongue gave expression to these aspects. In the same way that Heka, Sia, and Hu enabled the gods to first create the world, they allowed human beings to think, feel, and express themselves.

According to myth, the god Heka fought and overcame two serpents. These serpents then became part of Heka's symbol, symbolic of his power, with two snakes above the head. He is connected with the caduceus (a winged staff with two serpents wrapped around it), now a symbol associated with medicine. He was generally depicted carrying a magic staff and a knife, the tools of a healer, as a man in royal dress wearing the regal curved beard of the gods. Heka had no formal ritual worship, no cult following, and no temples (except in the late period of ancient Egypt, 525 - 323 BCE).

The concept of Heka lacks clear boundaries between ancient Egyptian magic, religion, and medicine. Heka was not limited to active rituals but it was a power that permeated life. Practitioners of magic were often temple priests, and magic was neither positive nor negative; it was a cosmic force that could be used to destroy or to protect, a natural force that could be harnessed and manipulated by deity or man for either harm or protection. Egyptian physicians called themselves "priests of Heka". 

According to texts, Heka existed before duality had yet come into being, without parents, without origin. In origin stories, the creator god, Atum, uses heka to make the world. Every aspect of the universe is made of heka. It has been likened to an “all pervading coercive power—comparable to the laws of nature in its coerciveness and all pervadingness—by which in the beginning the world was made, by which it is daily maintained and by which mankind is ruled.” (Jan Assman, Magic and Theology in Ancient Egypt) It is a force that created and propelled the universe, but could also be manipulated by the actions, words, objects and images to bring about a desired result.

Odgen Goelet (Ph.D. in ancient Egyptian history) explains:

Heka magic is many things, but, above all, it has a close association with speech and the power of the word. In the realm of Egyptian magic, actions did not necessarily speak louder than words – they were often one and the same thing. Thought, deed, image, and power are theoretically united in the concept of Heka.

 The Greek and Roman Stoics would later write of the Logos and the Neo-Platonists of the Nous - a force which flowed through and bound all things together but was, at the same time, distinct from creation and eternal - and so Heka lived on under these different names. The influence of the Neo-Platonists on the development of religious beliefs is well established, and so Heka continued as he always did; the invisible force behind the visible gods.

Maybe you wonder why I use so much space for this ancient Egyptian concept. I don't know if you are able to understand what I try to say... I don't need explanations to satisfy my reason, I receive inspiration, like at the magnificent piece of Art. Although I'm sure different mind (absolute and literal, that is) would overanalyze that too. I rather let it speak to me. Yet at the same time I'm skeptical about many things that don't make sense to me; It is a paradox of spirituality. Ancient Egyptian religion is no longer a living tradition, but Western Occultism and Esoterism often claim to trace their origin back to Ancient Egypt. So why not take an advantage of it. 

Reiki

This concept of Heka reminds me of Chinese Qi, or Ki as in Reiki, which I often use combined with my practice of magic. See, for example, Christopher Penczak's article, Using Reiki Magick. He is a witch, and he has also written a book about this subject. I have heard modern witches say that their witchcraft is energy work. I have described my life in recent years as being in the flow of Life, or tuned in to the rhythm of the Universe, and Buddhist chanting is helping me to keep my focus. I think it is fundamentally the same thing. 

In New Year I write a list of things I wish to let go (and nowadays also a list of things I'm grateful for, just for the balance). I have a bowl of water, and stones. Going through the list, I pick up a stone with every item, take a deep breath and squeeze the stone in my fist, then drop it in the water and exhale. Finally I burn the list. This simple exercise has proven very effective in releasing negative emotions, especially quilt, like when my partner died, and I thought about everything I had done or hadn't done or said. Although in normal circumstances I no longer find many things I would regret: Along with my Christianity I gave up my quilt. 

Still every New Year I have done an online Tarot reading - a reminder from the 1990's, when I was very much into New Age. Nowadays it's more like an entertainment. This year my husband actually wanted to buy physical Tarot cards, so next time I will use them. But this is the free site I can recommend: Facade. 

Likewise, I write down my goal for the next year, and close it in the envelope and seal it. It is precisely the point that I will forget it, but hopefully it is imprinted on my subconscious mind. The most exciting example of what might happen is this: In the end of 2015 when my partner had just died, I had written that "I am open for Love". I didn't remember that as I opened the envelope in the end of 2016, and it just happened that I had met my husband and fell in love with him! And I can assure you it is not something that happens to me all the time! Another goal actualized was permanent employment. Things don't just happen by themselves, it is I opening up for opportunity - that needs to be emphasized. 

My Baphomet candle

Last New Year I lit for the first time a candle I consecrated for magical purposes. I burn it whenever I'm doing magic (which is not often!). There is a figure of Baphomet depicted on a candle, or the "Sabbatic Goat", drawn by the French occultist Eliphas Levi in the 19th Century. It is said to symbolize dualism. I chose this candle for the sympathy towards The Satanic Temple, which uses this image as their symbol. TST was only just founded when I entered my Luciferian period (see my post, "My visit on the 'dark side'"); If I had known of their kind of interpretation of Satanism, more positive than that of the Church of Satan (or so it seems to me), who knows... But on the other hand, I came from Esoteric Christianity, so obviously I still needed esoterism. Years later I believe less and less, and yet I have one difference of opinion with TST, more aligned with beliefs of Church of Satan, and that is a position on magic. 

My ritual dagger

When I was Luciferian, I considered buying a ritual dagger, but never did. Now, ten years later, I actually did buy a dagger! These two items are my most important magical tools: As candle is a symbol of wisdom or illumination to me, so is dagger a symbol of power. I use my power in the light of wisdom. 

Last year I had enough of my increasing negative emotions towards my late partner (see "New Revelations"). They made me question the whole relationship of nearly 19 years, and threatened to poison the significance of his death, as I once experienced it (see "Through Death to Love"). Suddenly I had a dream I frequently had during the first year after his passing: I was with him, and all I could think about was how to tell him I don't want to be with him, because I have someone else. This time I felt distressed, and I was relieved when I woke up; A dream had become a nightmare. It was the last straw.

So I decided to begin a "magical process", as I called it. All in all, it took about four months. I "purified" my life with him using Reiki, one year at a time for one week, 15 minutes every night. I slowly burned out the candle our mutual friend - and still a friend for me and my current husband - gifted for X-mas 2015, after my partner had died, and I preserved it as a token of memory until now. 

Just like I used to talk to my partner every night for three months after his passing, now I wrote a letter, highlighting the fact that then I felt he was still close to me, now he's distant both emotionally and temporally. Finally, I burned the letter, as you may have already guessed. I made a minor "pilgrimage/retreat" on a place of our engagement ritual, in the forest by the lake. Just sitting on a rock, watching the lake, listening to the waves. For long time after his death I felt an urge to visit there once a year, and it is relatively hard to get there, and a long way. Now that urge seems to be gone. Needless to say, my magical process was a success! It came to an end, and is never to be revisited. Here I only gave a few outlines, not the whole procedure. 

Place of our engagement ritual in 1999, after two years
together; Rock in the middle was an altar, and the four elements
 witnessed. Ashes of our four beloved cats have been buried there,
along with a tuft of my late partner's hair

Last summer I established a new similar and yet very different "sacred place" for myself alone. It is a large rock by the bank of nearby pond. Located at a nature conservation area, just next to the jogging path. It is very close to my home and easily accessible. I go there around midnight (hence I can't take a picture), when it is really quiet and peaceful. I may even lie down on a rock, staring at the starry sky. When I arrive, I draw the power symbol of Reiki with my finger on the rock; When I leave, I chant Daimoku (Namu Myoho Renge Kyo) three times. I have also started to hug trees, as I did in the 1990's (first asking for permission, and thanking afterwards): it is like meeting old friends - they are living beings after all ("Trees are poems that the earth writes upon the sky..." - Kahlil Gibran). 

Only later I realized it is grounding or earthing what I'm doing, and what I really needed. It is refreshing. That's where the magic comes from: It's a natural force. That's why I associate my magic with paganism. In terms of Divinity, it is surely present in nature. I like to call it simply Life or Universe; Both we can observe and understand, they are around us, and we are also part of them. Yet much more is veiled in mystery, and still beyond human comprehension. We are in this body, in this world, for a reason. We are where we're meant to be. And it is good. It's just life as it is. 

This Fall it became necessary to perform a magical ritual for my troubled relationship with an old friend (see "Beyond Words"). It's been going on for years, and I'm really tired of that drama for good, even though my distress is very real, not overstated at all! Again, I don't go to details, but first I showered (purified from negativity), I remained nude (honest and real). I wrote a rhyming spell (rhyming, to make a conscious effort) on a pink paper, and lit a pink candle. I made a list of his good qualities. I had an old photograph of him (from 1999 when we had just met. On the back of photo, I have written: "My kindred spirit". That's how I saw him back then), and a mirror to reflect myself. After ritual, I fully understood it is true what I have suspected: I do project myself on him, everything I have left behind, or don't want to see in myself; everything I hate about myself. Like, I've got this obsessive idea that I'm mentally strong, I have to be strong, and I can survive anything, on my own. (Even though I have a reverse experience as well!) I see weakness in him, and I hate it. 

I also drew a picture I have been planning for years, thinking about us: Buddha and Jesus, just two human beings without halos, commonly drinking tea together, as friends. There is a white rose, a symbol of our small spiritual gathering long time ago, but also a white lotus, as in the Lotus Sutra: Spiritual symbols of both West and East. And a phrase in Latin: "Vacate et Scire" - "be still and know"... as in the Psalm 46:10, but "vacate" can be translated, "Be free"; "Empty yourself"; "Make space"... and know - making its meaning even deeper. A reference to silent meditation, as I see it. This picture is like the abstract of this particular magical act. 

Our first meeting after this ritual was promising: I was able to be more straightforward than before. I even suggested that next time we should quietly just sit and meditate together for starters, and we already settled a date. Something I have been thinking for a long time. I gave him my drawing: In a way, I poured myself into it, so let it work its own magic; He can form his own opinion, and next time I can tell him what I was thinking as I drew it.  

Even now he managed to get me annoyed - which I was able to say out loud right away. This was not the first time. He repeatedly says that he doesn't care about religions - unlike I see him - yet he always refers to Christianity, and how something spiritual is truly "Christian" when he likes it (he once traveled to Egypt, and told that moral behavior of some Muslim women was in fact "Christian"). His use of a word makes it meaningless. When he tells about his spiritual journey, and how he has experienced what is true, they are the truths of Christian religion he's talking about. As I see it, it doesn't leave much space for other religions and different truths, for he knows the truth - not a fragment of it, like the rest of us mortals, but the whole truth - and it is superior. It seems pointless to try to explain that I have my own spiritual journey, and I have experienced many things too. 

It is okay to say, "this is my journey, this is my truth"; it is not okay to say, "this is the truth, and I know it." Or else you lack a sense of proportion, and are just a dick, like each and every Christian (well, maybe not everyone). It's not far from saying, "God told me so; Repent, you unbeliever!" He makes a distinction between himself and "ordinary believers", as he calls them, but some minor specifics (like Reincarnation) don't make him more than just another believer in my eyes. Seems to me he can't distinguish plain spiritual experience from his own interpretation of it, based on his belief system. (Absolute and literal mind, as mentioned before: It's all either black or white.)

That's my impression anyway. Is it just my misinterpretation, or maybe he's expressing his thoughts poorly... or maybe I see arrogance because I'm arrogant? Or maybe he is. My thoughts about him may often be disparaging, so is it wonder if that's what I expect from him too? I can't really ask for respect, unless I show respect. He is not a problem, I have a problem. It's all about my thoughts and my feelings... And perhaps part of a problem is that I don't really know his thoughts and feelings. One time earlier, I opened my heart, and I was so relieved, but he didn't say much. Anyway, magic is primarily affecting me, and through me indirectly on him. I can feel it. Even I don't know what I unleashed. 

I don't think it was religion that united us in the first place. For over ten years as an active member of The Christian Community, I never made friends with anyone else. Rather I think it was mutual likeness we both recognized: Two broken souls attracted one another. And that likeness was what I had enough. In spiritual groups I always felt like I'm playing a role. A single common ideal doesn't unite people very well. Today I have stopped pretending to be something I'm not. The fact that I see how far I am from my ideal, paradoxically proves me I'm on the right track. Enlightenment is increasing self-knowledge, by small insights: Not a sudden, undisputed mystical experience, that changes everything all at once. 

The spell I cast, has two possible end results, because I don't know what I want, or what is best for us: Either it will heal our relationship, or it will help to let go. You can not fix what is not broken. We don't have very much in common anymore. It is only natural that people change, and their relationships change accordingly. Sometimes people grow apart. It doesn't concern only lovers. There is no forever on earth. The fact that I only have few friends, and he's the second oldest one, may not be reason enough to cling to relationship, if it's not working. I used to have a friend - straight male - from school, who was important to me growing up. When I had my "spiritual awakening" in my 20's, we started to drift apart (or I did), because suddenly that was my whole life, and all I wanted to talk about, and it was like invisible wall between us. I was a drama queen and ended our friendship with a letter. Two years later he approached to me again, and I learnt I made him depressed and suicidal! That was a shock. I didn't think I could matter that much for him. I only thought about myself obviously. We renewed our friendship, and spent wonderful summer together. Soon after that our relationship started to weaken naturally, since I moved away, and also he was the only person in my life who reacted badly when I came out to him. Nowadays he is just another name among my Facebook friends. Then I met this other guy, also a straight male, and the tables have turned: Today he would like to talk about spirituality, I don't. 

Perhaps my goal for the next year should be making a new friend? In my case that really requires magic! 

My drawing

 

Links:

Wikipedia: Heka (god)

Dr. Flora Brooke Anthony: Heka: Understanding Egyptian Magic On Its Own Terms

Thomas Ellison: Magic in the Ancient World: Egyptian Deities and Uses

Ancient Egypt Online: Heka

Joshua J. Mark: Heka

Faith: Its Role and Meaning in a Buddhist Wisdom Tradition

Dharma Data: Faith