Year after year, a brief summary of two books, titled "Tantric Sex for Gay Men", remains to be the most read post in this blog. I must say it bothers me in a way, because there are so many better and so much more meaningful articles here! But I guess those who find that particular writing interesting, might not be interested in other topics available?
Sex is a tricky thing. I'm willing to admit my relation to sex is very contradictory. I was twelve when I found pleasures of masturbation, and simultaneously realized I liked boys. I don't recall it was a huge crisis to me, though. When I got interested in Theosophy in my 20's, those old classics of the early 20th Century I read, seemed to suggest sexuality on the whole was something one must be "purified" from. At least that's how I got it back then, and it caused me guilt. I think Theosophy is very much influenced by Eastern "escpape-from-the-world" philosophy. Today I rather understand that it is possible for man to evolve spiritually on the level where sexuality is transformed - nothing will vanish - but you can't force yourself; it won't lead to progress but cause inhibition, which one day will burst out, like we have seen in the Catholic Church.
I don't think I came to this world provided very well for it, and my personality was formed difficult. Especially at younger age I was extremely naive and afraid of everything and everyone. That's how I got into spirituality in the first place: for me it was escape from the frightening world around me. No wonder I was soon drawn to gnostic movement - Lectorium Rosicrucianum - where the whole message was that this world is completely evil and we must rise away from it.
Being gay was for long time my own secret, and I certainly didn't act on it. In fact, I was bullied at school and made to believe I was ugly and nobody could like me. That and a simple fact I just didn't know how to interact with people. I had only one friend I knew from school.
When Lectorium Rosicrucianum taught that "pupil on the Path" must not practice homosexuality - which the founder of the movement, Dutch Jan van Rijckenborgh, called a "sin, abnormality, and sickness" - it was intellectually acceptable to me, and I was convinced I will live alone. But when I was 26, I spent two semesters at international boarding school in Finland - so called "Folk High School" - now defunct, and I met a Japanese boy few years younger than me. You might say I immadiately got crush on him. It was tormenting. When I didn't see him, I was hurt; when I saw him with others, I was hurt. Weird thing is, he seemed to response to my feelings.
There was a possibility offered for few people to go to get acquainted with another folk high school for one week, and because he was going, I arranged myself there as well, and finally there were only two of us. We shared the room, and really got close to each other. When we got back, he started to sleep in my single room - not in a same bed, though! We never had sex, that is, in traditional sense. Instead, we explored other area: S&M, as I was submissive one. It was intense, but also kind of distorting to our relationship.
He repeatedly said he "might be bisexual", but all he ever talked about were girls, and he chased many. Once there were foreign students visiting the school, and among them was a Swiss guy, who was apparently gay and didn't hide it - first one I ever met that I'm aware of - and of course he got interested in us, and in me, but that scared me.
Then we were visiting Helsinki - the capital of Finland, as you may or may not know - one night, and as my friend was willing, we went to gay club. It was first time for both of us, and I was especially excited: I felt free. Later we had opportunity to actually live in Helsinki at foreign student's apartment while he was in England to see his girlfriend; we frequently used that opportunity during one month. My friend was usually staying at apartment - and sometimes I was alone altogether - as I went back to that club (and some other places as well) night after night. For the first time someone showed interest in me, I just played along, yet I wasn't even interested in him, and I left alone. It was very exciting to me. Next morning I felt remorse, even though nothing really happened. It didn't stop me next time, as I actually left with a man - a bit older than me - to his home. And nothing really happened then either, because he had drunk too much: he did do it to me by hand, however. And then I left. Next guy gave me a blow job, and he really "sucked" at it; it wasn't pleasing at all - it hurt. And he masturbated himself to climax; I didn't need to do anything. When it was my final night in Helsinki, I was already frustrated and had enough. All in all, I refused more than complied. And flirting was something I never knew how to do; I left initiative for others. But just to hear "you're really good looking" was good for my self-esteem and I needed that.
One weekend I was going to Helsinki for lecture by Lectorium Rosicrucianum, and the night before I spent in Tampere - without any idea where to stay at night - and went to local gay club. This time handsome guy smiled at me, and I smiled back. We started talking, he made me laugh, and I felt very comfortable with him. He said I could come to his apartment over night without any obligation - and I know he really meant that. For the first time I made a move and wanted to please him too. Next morning I decided I'm not going to Helsinki; I rather stayed, and we got up in afternoon, had late breakfast, and went for shopping together. That was the beginning of a relationship, and we are still together - seventeen years later.
In our relationship sex has never been an issue; it's not what our commitment is about. Sex and love are two separate things. However, Osho brilliantly shows that sex is a kind of form of love too.
First, let me quote from my website: "Christianity adopted three terms related to love from ancient Greece. Agape means love as friendship and sharing. In letters of John, God is also called agape (1 John 4:8). See also: John 15:10. To love in social and moral sense. This form of love is totally selfless, and it won't change whether it is returned or not. It is love that serves others. Eros is passion of love, love that wants for oneself; it's based on strong romantic feelings towards another person. Philia is love as affection, love between friends; To love as a friend, to be fond of someone. It's based on friendship between two people, who share a mutual 'give-and-take' relationship."
Osho gives new meanings for these classical definitions:
"To me, these three words are very significant: sex, love, and prayer. Sex is reconciliation of your body with other bodies. Let me repeat: Sex is a reconciliation between your body and other bodies. That's why it is so satisfying, that's why it brings such a thrill to you, such excitement, such relaxation, such calm. But it is the lowest reconciliation. If you don't know any higher, then it's okay. But you are living in your house, not knowing that your house has many other rooms. You are living only in a dark cell, and you think this is all - and there are many beautiful rooms in your house. But you will remain a beggar, because you remain only in the body. The body is only your porch, the porch of the palace.No one else has affirmed my own experience of sex and love as Osho in quote above. My idea of love may be very unromantic. It's not so much about feelings. Feelings come and go. Nothing firm can be built on that - only the castle on the cloud that the first storm will blow off. Of three qualities of man's soul - thinking, feeling, and willing - feeling is the most insecure and flickering. Love is more about decision: "This is the man I want to share my life with."
But sex brings joy because it is a reconciliation between two material bodies. Two bodies vibrate to one tune. There is song, a physical song. The poetry arises between the two energies of the bodies; they dance together hand in hand, they embrace each other, they are lost into each other. For a few moments there is ecstasy, then it disappears because bodies cannot melt into each other - they are too solid for that.
Then the second thing is love. Love is reconciliation between two minds, two psychological energies. Love is higher, deeper, greater. If you can love a person, by and by, you will see sex disappearing between you. Western people become very much afraid of that phenomenon. Every day some couple or other comes to me and they say 'What is happening to us? We have become more loving, but why is sex disappearing?' Because they have been taught that sex and love are synonymous. They are not. And they have been taught if you love the person more, then you will be more sexually involved with the person. Just the reverse is the true case. If you love the person more, sex will start disappearing, because you are getting a higher reconciliation. Who bothers for the lower? This is more satisfying, brings greater contentment, more lasting joy.
And the third state of love energy is prayer. That is reconciliation between one's soul and the soul of existence. That is the highest reconciliation, there is none beyond. So when that happens, the so-called love also starts disappearing - just as when love happens sex starts disappearing. And I am not condemning sex - there is nothing wrong in it - it is perfectly beautiful, healthy in its own place; but when the higher energy comes, the lower starts disappearing. There is no need for it; its work is finished. It's like a child which has become grown-up in the mother's womb - nine months old - now he is ready to get out of the womb. Those nine months... beautiful. He will be grateful to his mother for his whole life; he cannot repay the debt. But now he is ready to get out of it. That womb cannot contain it any more; the child has begun to become bigger than the womb. Exactly like that it happens. If you really go deep into sex, a moment comes when your love is more than the sex can contain. Then you start overflowing, you start moving higher, and soon you are out of sex. One day again it happens. When love is too much, you start overflowing into prayer; and then love disappears." (I say unto you, Vol.1; Talks on the sayings of Jesus)
I have tried and found that celibacy - which of course excludes masturbation too - is actually quite easy to me, in fact, easier than being sexually active; I feel serene (Note: I'm not saying, this is how I live!*). Sex often tends to mess things up between people, and mess up their minds too. Even physically it is messy and exhausting. Masturbation with your own fantasies is often more fun, and it's over as soon as it is done. I'm on a gray area of asexuality. I can count men I have slept with, with fingers of my two hands. And I haven't have anal intercourse with anyone else but my partner - we were both first ones for one another.
At the same time I believe in all kinds of relationships - including open ones - as well as casual sex. As long as it happens between consenting adults. The act itself is not a sin; sin is in your heart, if you are abusing and harming another person.
*Update: Someone who read this writing, understood that I indeed do celibate today: NO, I DON'T! That's what I tryed to emphasize here.)
I have a straight male friend, over 40's, who is still a virgin, and would like to find a wife - who must be virgin too! In fact, once he told me that women who are not virgin anymore (yet available), are "used" and "tainted". I can never forget that. I couldn't comment. I was absolutely shocked to hear him say that; it was such a chauvinist thing to say.
I'm not telling this to him, but I'm always thinking, "Never gonna happen!" If only he was Christian believer in traditional sense, that could be within frames of possibility, but he's too much into esoterism, believing in reincarnation, among other things. So it's very unlikely he could have a chaste Christian virgin wife, who would approve of his beliefs. Besides, those people tend to rush to marry young, because they want to have sex which is forbidden outside of marriage. I think his only option is to go to Philippines or Thailand to search for a wife. It is different culture there. Maybe it wouldn't be love at first, but how is that different from the way it used to be, and how it still is in many cultures?
Fact is, in The Bible virginity was required from women, because they were possession of men that was traded, and the "goods" had to be intact. It concerned only women; you can't even tell if man is a virgin. There is nothing sacred about biblical marriage; it wasn't necessarily between two people only, not based on love, and partners were not equal. Even early Christianity taught that marriage was only "necessary evil". Marriage was for long time a legal contract for aristocracy for planning for their possessions. Today half of marriages end with divorce anyway.
There is civil partnership for same-sex couples in Finland, and now there are demands for marriage equality too (which is already reality in other Nordic countries, and only a matter of time in Finland too!*). I support that, but I didn't always, because I made a same mistake many people still do - I confused two different things: legal contract and religious ceremony. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. For me it's all about protection for partners' rights in case something should happen to one of them - which of course is already provided in current system - but also about equal rights, including adoption; in fact, I don't care if it is called "marriage" or not, as long as there are exactly same legal rights! (However, wouldn't that be a little strange to call it something else then?)
Of course I admit that if you believe in Divine, you would certainly want to include that to your relationship as well, but such a blessing is not valid only if it is offered by some "official" institution through its professionals. In many countries civil union always takes place first - also in heterosexual marriage - and only afterwards it may be blessed by Church. You can do it yourself! Then it is personal.
*Update: Marriage equality was indeed approved, and the law will change in 2017.
*Update: Marriage equality was indeed approved, and the law will change in 2017.
No comments:
Post a Comment