Introduction

About the Blog

Hello, visitor!

My name is Marko, and I'm a gay man, born in 1970, living in Finland. Married.

I have been blogging since 2003, and I have five blogs at the moment; this is the only one in English, created for international readers: it was started in 2007, and there are over 60 posts here. All my blogs concern spirituality from different angles, because that has always been a major thread in my life; I think My way is very unique in a sense that I have completely changed my course several times during my lifetime.

So you, reader, must understand that posts on this blog bear witness of personal evolution, and my thoughts and beliefs have not remained the same, but of course my older posts also reflect the development process of my thinking. Many of those old writings are very theological, without any connection to my life whatsoever, as well as they are coming from other people, not my original ideas. That's something I try to avoid today. I think I was studying Theology so much - and in my case also esoteric teachings - because as a Christian I needed to justify for myself WHY I should believe in this, why it would make sense... 

So, only the latest writings tell where I stand now; don't mistake me for my past. A new phase in my life began in 2015/16, as referred in this blog, "Through Death to Love". 

I have refreshed the look of this blog on July 2020. Even though my original idea of providing links to introduce Finland might seem a little silly now, I kept it unaltered; After all, I do love my country, and wouldn't rather live anywhere else: I consider myself very fortunate to be born here! However, I must say that I'm not a nationalist - that is really off-putting. 

To contact me, post a comment with your e-mail address and I reply to you. I would be happy to know other people around the world, who find we have something in common and would like to know me better. Especially if you are a gay man, somewhat spiritual, but not necessarily Buddhist, not to mention Nichiren Buddhist (but that would be a big plus obviously!). 

It's obvious, that since you haven't walked in my shoes, you can't possibly identify with everything I have been through, and I don't expect you to understand it all. What matters most is where I am now, not how I came to this point... 

My Spiritual Journey

Every step on my path has been important to me as I have proceeded. 

To proceed in one's spiritual life is kind of opposite of physical reality: when you go forward,  you're not "going" anywhere; from outer spheres of life, its various interests and concerns, as well as from religious ideas and speculations, you withdraw more and more within. This is what John the Baptist meant when he said about Christ: "He must increase, but I must decrease." You actually become more what you are. I knew it in theory for many years, but only maturing and experience made it a reality to me. You can't hurry your progress, it happens when you are ready. And obviously, for everyone it is unique. 

One can not be more advanced on Spiritual Path than someone else, because it is not a common highway: everybody makes their own path. Only those who are not interested, don't believe, or don't care - or who are satisfied with answers given by mainstream religion/church, without thinking by themselves - are not on the Path at all. I'm sorry to say, I have zero tolerance for both the "saints" and the "sheep". 

Already at the age of 12 I got interested in UFO's and parapsychology; That was a basis for my more serious interest in spirituality. I did pray, but didn't know the Bible, and Jesus was only a historical figure to me. My family was not religious, I heard about that stuff at school (Finland is still mainly Lutheran country), and what it made me feel as a child was enormous quilt! I was free to search, and nobody disapproved of my choices (that sometimes could have been wrong, but at that time it was "right" for me to make them anyway!). 

In my 20's I became a seeker for truth, influenced by New Age beliefs and Theosophy; I was into Tarot (I still do an online-reading every New Year to humor me), Runes, healing gemstones and crystals (my prayer beads are made of gemstones; they are pretty anyway...), Reiki (which I still find a valid form of healing, self-healing in particular, and I can't deny I've had some impressive experiences). 
Finnish Theosophical influencer, Pekka Ervast (see the link list), who lived 1875-1934, became my "spiritual mentor", so to speak, and he was that for many, many years to come. It was through him that I got to know esoteric Christianity, and found it intellectually much more satisfying than orthodox dogmatism. 

Then in 1995 I became a pupil in Lectorium Rosicrucianum, "Gnostic Mystery School", which turned out - to my opinion - to be a cult (against homosexuality, among other things).

I searched for help to free myself from their brainwashing by turning to The Christian Community, esoteric Christian Church, which I joined exactly after two years of active participation on Christmas Night 1999, and devoted myself completely. 
(See "My path to Christ")

Over 10 years passed, and I started to drift away, having a crisis of faith. First, I found that my idea of God had gradually shifted more to Deism, and I also started to practice an individual form of Christianity, tired of churches, being a priest to myself, and even having The Eucharist by myself at home. 
(See "Disillusioned - Enlightened", and "Changes", and "Lonesome Path")

Then I got attracted to more shadowy side of spirituality, one might say, and became Luciferian, cutting myself off from Christian worldview once and for all through this powerful archetype. This period only lasted for about couple of years. I really needed that to get myself rid of the cultural conditioning and Christian indoctrination since early childhood. There was absolutely nothing evil about it! I may have visited on the "dark side", as I named my blog entry below, but the dark side always abides within me, along with the Light. There could be no light without darkness.
(See "Satan loves you!", and "My Visit on the 'Dark Side'"; the latter one I considered naming "I love Lucifer!", but then I thought it would be too provoking... 😈)

In November 2015 my partner suddenly died, and I turned to The Christian Community again, as I felt that my then quite cynical worldview couldn't comfort me, and since it was still his chosen denomination and taking care of his funeral. (See "Through Death to Love")

However, I did not return to Christianity, but remained without Creed; For a while I went to Church Services again, but after some time I stopped praying, because it raised a question, to whom I'm praying, and why I should ask for something, as I was strongly experiencing that everything happens for a reason, there is no need for fear or worry. 
I only practiced Zazen meditation in all its simplicity (link takes you to Ordinary Mind Zendo, as I learnt this technique at their local branch); no words, only silence. So I was facing the empty wall, both literally and mentally. 

In 2018 I found Nichiren Buddhism, independent of any sect, and I am very happy and active practitioner! (See "My conversion to Nichiren Buddhism", and "Experience of Life") 

Again I adopted Prayer Beads, formal daily devotion, and home altar, just like when I practiced Christianity on my own, in my own way, but this time it's a long tradition among millions of practitioners - a true Sangha. From small esoteric circles to mainstream, yet maintaining my independence and freedom. 

Out of major institutional organizations I feel mostly drawn to the Nichiren Shu, which seems to be closest to mainstream Buddhism. However, since Soka Gakkai International is the biggest one of them all and therefore also strongly present online, it's understandable that my practice is very much influenced by them, even though I've never been to their meetings and I don't know any members. 

Only recently I have begun to miss live interaction with other practitioners, which is the one essential thing you lack, if you only hold a view of belonging to the Spiritual Sangha. 

Here is a link to English summary of my other blog, about Nichiren Buddhism. I myself chanting Namu Myoho Renge Kyo: link to YouTube. 

Nowadays, I might also consider myself at least a friend of Unitarian Universalism; I watch live streams of UU Worship Services, and I like that sort of open spirituality. I have referred to that in my post, Beyond Words.

Oh yes, I may also use "magic" (as I see it) sometimes. 

Just me as a person

From the very beginning of my blogging "career", I have wanted to protect myself, I guess, and stay back, focusing on what I want to say, rather than a person I am. So I have distanced myself from my thoughts. Until now I have even avoided publishing a photo of myself. As for the social media, so far I only use Facebook. I have Instagram, but I don't really use it: I don't want to form unnecessary ties with this "alternate reality", so to speak. 

However, I feel I can't get anything unless I give something of myself. I sincerely hope I could encourage people to approach to me; it is rare to have any feedback. Of course I do realize that topics I deal with, are often quite specific: I don't expect a number of people suddenly to embrace my worldview. Nevertheless, it might also mean that I will try to address more personal stuff in future. 

I still don't post here often: my main interest is to write in Finnish for Finnish readers. I post in English when I'm inspired to do so. 

I don't really care if you are a Buddhist, or whatever, or none. I think all that matters is that you try to be a good, decent person. I want to believe in goodness of people at their innermost being. And if you love Heartstopper, like I do, you are definitely one of my people! I'm a big fan! (See Gays on tv and film; and HEARTSTOPPER!) Also, I'm a fan of Hatari, Icelandic band, since Eurovision Song Contest 2019; I've seen them on gig twice in Helsinki. And my latest object of being fan is Lord of the Lost, Germany's representative in the ESC 2023. So, there is obviously much more to me than just being a Buddhist. (See Thank You For The Music)

"Buddhist" - or "Christian" - is a title you adopt from outside world; also, being gay is just a part of me, BUT it is a Part of Me, a part of being a human, of who I am as a person, and therefore natural and innate, unlike your chosen religious affiliations. Even though, the ultimate yearning beneath that may also be a basic human need (according to C.G. Jung, whose ideas I appreciate a lot). I think there needs to be balance in everything. We are not merely spirits walking this earth. There is often a huge gap between one's spiritual ideal and their human experience, and that's okay; You just have to find a middle-way. Some people can be overly spiritual, and those "wanna-be-saints" are the worst! (I might have been one myself, but that was long time ago.)

Yet I must admit that even I feel my spirituality is somehow connected to deeper level of myself, and if you don't understand my spirituality at all, you can't possibly understand me very profoundly. However, I don't think that has necessarily anything to do with ideas put into  words, if that makes any sense. (See "Beyond Words"; this post explains my own philosophy, as much as that is possible... in words.)

In my post, "New Revelations", I tell what I have learnt about myself: I am Demisexual. After that post I realized it more clearly: Demisexuality actually defines me as a human even more than being gay; It defines how I live, act, and feel sexually, not only which gender I happen to like. So, I am Homoromantic Demisexual, to be more precise. After this realization I actually feel more at ease with myself, without pressure to be something I'm not. In my own words: No casual sex with strangers - I need to know you awhile, and like you as a person! (See also: I love gay sex!)

I am rather boring guy, who likes his own company and enjoys ordinary everyday things, not great adventures and travels. I live more in my head, and that is hard to share. Even if it is interesting to live this life, I don't know if it is interesting to read about it...