Through Death to Love

I'm writing this because my life was turned upside down during the year, and my English
speaking friends may have missed all that's happened to me. I'm not planning to write a
similar summary in Finnish, my native tongue; using language foreign to me, allows
greater perspective and sort of more objectivity on the matter at hand.
I don't really blog nowadays; I have better things to do, and especially since my blogs –
both in English and in Finnish – all concern different aspects of spirituality, and that is no
longer current in my life. I wouldn't say I'm completely materialistic; It's just that I rather
live my life than read and ponder on things of spiritual nature. We are both body and
Spirit, and to truly live is to live out of Spirit anyway. It doesn't necessarily show at all:
You just feel that you're ALIVE... because you LOVE!
As it can be seen in previous posts on this blog, I have been deep in the dark in recent
years. I came to consider myself a Luciferean, and I was very proud of my new selfawareness.
I'm not going into details of my world view, because it was short-lived. I even
started a new blog called ”Ministry of Infernal Affairs”, which I later deleted. My
approach to life was really pessimistic and gloomy. I thought my experiences with people
had made me disappointed and frustrated with all human race, and that's why I had lost
my faith in loving God. Later I understood it was all because of bad relationship I was
living in.

I was together with my partner almost for 18 years. He was an alcoholic – a fact that was
there to be seen since we first met; for long time I just didn't want to see it. And it got
worse because he had really bad health issues and underwent two operations – lungs and
heart – and after that he became depressed and started to gain weight too.
However, since the beginning of 2014 I had started to take steps forward in course of my
life; Financial matters got so bad that I had to do something, otherwise it was unbearable.
So I was hired for a cleaner – something I had done once before. I didn't have
professional education and was used to be unemployed. I actually liked that work, and it
was continued. In fall 2015 I applied for school to get a vocational examination in
cleaning. I was moving on, but my partner was stuck in his life and in a way holding me
back on some level. Of course there were so many times I was thinking: what's the point
with this; but it's easy to say it might be better to break up. In my foolish way I was
protecting him and sacrificed my happiness for his sake; I knew if I said it's over, he would be absolutely devastated. He still wanted to keep up an illusion that we had
everything all right. I was the one thing he could count on. I also tried to lie to myself and
rationalize ”love”, but I remember feeling more and more often angry at him, more than
anything else. During the last months he actually pointed out that I hadn't said I love him
for long time. I was left speachless. I never said that again.

On November 13th 2015 I got up early in that Friday morning to go to my current
training place as a cleaner. Just when I was leaving home, I suddenly became aware of
eerie silence. We slept in separate rooms, because he had sleeping difficulties. He had
artificial valve in his heart, and it was ticking loud like a clock. Afterwards I realised that
was precisely what was missing. I found him lying on his stomach on the floor by the
bed. I tryed to turn him over but he was too heavy, and I called local emergency number.
The Ambulance came and there was nothing they could do anymore. The Police officers
came, then the Hearse. It took long before the cause of death was clear, but it wasn't hard
to guess it was his heart that failed. It's paradoxical that he was afraid of dying, yet he
didn't take a good care of himself.
The next day I went to emergency room because I felt such an overwhelming anxiety. I
got pills for that and pills for sleeping, as well as time for debriefing, and that's all I
needed then. But mostly I'm grateful for those few people who actually came to meet me
and spent time with me. My faith in humanity was restored. I used to be very withdrawn
myself, now I began to open up.
Also I used to think the simple phrase ”I'm sorry for your loss” was an empty habit, now I
personally experienced the deep meaning behind that. What else is there to say. No magic
words can change anything. In my father's funeral many years ago I arrogantly observed
relatives who weeped and said ”he's in better place now”; it seemed to me they had not
internalised that knowledge. I was proud of myself because I stayed calm; however, we were not close with my father. How naive you can be before life will teach you a lesson. I thought I was so familiar with the death, and now I found myself before the Ultimate Mystery.

For two months I was unable to sleep without pills. For the first two weeks I hardly ate
anything; after that I only ate very little before my appetite was back. In two months I lost
about ten kilos. I was living in memories; everywhere I went I was reminded of him. I
only remembered him at his best, yet all the good memories were so distant in the past. It
was like I had lost him long time ago and something had already died before it actually
happened. Time was so relative anyway; when only two weeks had passed, it felt like
eternity and there were still two weeks to Funeral. I did things because ”he would have
liked it”. I visited places we used to live in. I slept with his childhood teddy bear that was
wearing his shirt. I might burst to tears suddenly while brushing my teeth.
Also some things at our home strangely fell few times during the first couple of weeks,
which for me was a sign of his presence in spirit. It was so hard to understand that
someone who was by your side for nearly 18 years, suddenly just disappeared from the
face of the Earth. I was on a sick leave only for one week and one day, and refused when
I was offered more; it was good for me to get out of home and do something that took my
mind elsewhere.

Every night I had a chat with him, and I would read to him (and to myself of course)
Theosophical books about life after death, and I also started to pray again – something I
hadn't done for long time. In this new situation I found that my ”Lucifereanism” could
not help me at all. There was a Church that we found together when we met in 1997. In
recent years I was alienated from it, like I was alienated from Christianity all together, but
my partner, Joakim, always felt it was right for him, although he never officially became
a member like me. It was only natural to turn to The Christian Community again and
respect his conviction. It was like Joakim was pulling me back to the Light.
Luckily his father was understanding and we actually became closer than ever before,
because me and Joakim never had civil union, so legally we were strangers to each other.
Joakim still spoke of it till the end, but in my mind I was thinking, I don't want to be a
spouse of an alcoholic. Actually I was reliefed I didn't have to deal with burocracy now.
On the Third day after his death, the first phase of the Funeral Rite took place at the
morgue of the Hospital. Yes I cried when I saw his lifeless corpse, but the words of the
Rite calmed me. I kissed his forehead, and even cut curls of his hair for relic when I was
alone. Only his father and I were attending this Service besides the Priest and her
assistant. Religious customs DO matter, I tell you!
Thanks to his father I chose the verse for obituary and decided many other things too, like
the music for the Funeral. Every step on this journey to walk with him was important to
me. I kept myself busy and gave away his stuff I couldn't keep or didn't need. Already
after debriefing which took place the very next week after his death, I felt that maybe it
was better for him that he got away, and maybe I still have life ahead.

The Funeral was on December. Everyone thought it was beautiful and uplifting, unlike
Lutheran Funeral Service. When he was cremated I carried the urn with his parents to the
family grave. Needless to say I cried. I feared for the Christmas holiday of two weeks, yet
I decided to spend holidays on my own, first Christmas alone ever. In spite of the harsh
facts, I felt surrounded by the atmosphere of peace. At Christmas night I got a ride to
Church, which used to be so important part of our Christmas celebration.
The last phace of the Funeral Rite of The Christian Community was the Memorial
Service on February 2016. Never had I paid so much attention to every word. As the
priest so well put it, Joakim could no longer evolve on this plane so he had to move on to
the other side; and he released me to walk my own path on this side. When the new
Church space of our Congregation was inaugurated, I gave a speech that made people cry,
and donated a Silver bell that used to belong to Joakim's grandfather; from now on its
ringing would open every Service.

On January the 15th 2016 I moved to new apartment from our old home, and it was a
turning point to me, the beginning of a new independent life. Still I built a memorial altar
for Joakim. I had to admit that I felt FREE. Sudden or not, but I was willing to meet men,
and I also told this on Facebook. However, a new relationship was not part of my plan at
this point. And then what happened: Facebook friend – the one I had noticed from time to
time and thought he was cute - sent me a flirty message. Soon we exchanged numbers
and started calling every night and talked for an hour or longer, and that went on for two
whole months, February and March. He lived in another town, 100 km away, and there
was a reason we couldn't meet sooner, but that's a private matter.
And I think it is good that we slowly learnt to know one another as a person before
meeting face to face – and before sex was involved. I soon had a big crush on him, and I
didn't want to meet other men for casual sex, even though there were opportunities for
that. Already during those two months we started to use a word ”Love”, and I certainly
don't use it lightly! With Joakim it took months before I said it, and our relationship was
quite stormy right from the beginning, due to my own inner conflicts back then. Since
then I have seen life and I'm more confident today. So I can only say it was not like this
with Joakim. I soon stopped talking to Joakim at nights (and praying too) – I finally said
goodbye and let him go - because I now talked to a living person. And it doesn't matter
that he's 21 years younger than I am: I was never one of those gay men who look for
younger men – it just happened unexpectedly. And I know many gay men at my age,
whose idea of relationship is not as mature as his. With him I am also different, better
person than before. Even though I did not plan to have a new relationship just yet, I did
make a list of things I require from a new man (not physical features!)... and none of that
applied to this person; a proof that you can't reason with your heart. In fact, I find many
similar personality traits between him, Alex, and Joakim – and I don't mean it in a bad
way: likes, humor, values... and even circumstances of life; they even studied the same
subject at the same school! Perhaps I have a ”type” I'm attracted to, it's just nothing
external – their appearance is completely the opposite.

We first met in the beginning of April 2016 when I travelled to Alex, and since that we
spent every weekend together usually at his home town, sometimes mine, sometimes
more than a weekend – two weeks at the most; before he came to my home I cleared
away the memorial altar; all the memorabilia is now in one single box.
In June we got engaged; also something I did with Joakim as late as TWO YEARS after
getting to know him. At some point we started to talk about me moving to Alex's home
town; he thought my town was too big for him, and he had moved so many times in last
two years. In June I also graduated as a professional cleaner. And I started as a student in
driving school; something that never had interested me before. I had a summer job, and
after that I would be free to move. I got apartment in his home town and finally moved in
September. Before that I went to place in forest by the lake, where Joakim and I got
engaged in 1999, and I buried there the ashes of our four beloved cats, along with the
curls of his hair I had preserved. We sometimes talked about death, and he said I would
probably cope with it better if he died first. I'm sure I have his blessing; he would only
want me to be happy.

We don't live together with Alex yet, but funny thing is we live in two apartment
buildings side by side. Only after I moved, I finally got my driver's license, and soon I
bought my first car. Right now I'm looking for a job. I'm feeling positive about all this. I
used to be very worried and cautious person, and what good ever came of that. From big
city to small town, it is a bold step, but sometimes you need to take a leap to the unknown
instead of something that is ”safe”. There is no better reason, no other reason, than
LOVE. I surrender myself to the flow of life; it has carried me for the last two years –
everything has worked out just fine, even at the darkest moment; I only need to trust,
never fear.
Much of my life I have been planning for my own Funeral – seriously – and religion has
been a huge part of my life. Now my newly found religious piety is gone again. I only
meditate, and I think I'm more ”spiritual” now that I don't try to be, when it's not words,
or ideas, or images: nothing I do – I just am. I think religion has been to me mostly a way
to escape from reality I didn't like. But if God is Love and Love is of God, that is all I
need. And as for the Funeral planning... Now I want to LIVE; only now I have started to
live. I had to face the death closer than ever and find new Love to realise that.
A year ago I read grief is going to ease after the first year, and it was hard to believe, and
a year seemed such a long time. But who would have guessed what a year this has been!
There's no question that this year 2016 has been THE YEAR of changes, like no other. It
has been my custom at the end of the year to meditate on things I have done or haven't
done and I am sorry for, and let it all go; it was always a long list, and mostly about
Joakim. I don't regret anything this year!