Introversion and Friendship (and Buddhism)

 It is a constant paradox of my life: being an introvert, I enjoy alone-time, and because I'm married to someone who's more likely an ambivert, I don't always get to be alone as much as I would like to be. That said, I am thankful for my partner because he has chosen me and stays by my side. We are each other's best friends too. My late partner was extremely extroverted, yet he gave me space - so much space, that finally there was nothing else between us. And I doubt if I could get along with another introvert very well, since there are different states of introversion - we're not all alike: When I read online forum of introverts, I often note, "I'm not THAT introverted"! And it's hard for me to deal with my own mother, who's very introverted, because I feel I have to pull every word out of her. My partner seems very extroverted with me and other people he knows, but if we meet new people who start talking to us, it is I who tries to fulfill "obligations of courtesy" for both of us. The very fact that I'm in my second long-term relationship may be exceptional for introvert. You can sometimes read that the Finns in general are introverted; maybe compared to Americans, for example (I would hate that "how are you"-culture!), but as an introvert living in Finland, I'm still surrounded mostly by extroverts. 

When I was young, I used to suffer from loneliness. Now I have precisely four friends: one of them, whom I have known for longest time, lives so faraway that last time I've seen her was in the 90's; we speak on the phone couple of times a year. Two of my friends I kind of inherited from my late partner, and two of them have also become mutual friends for me and my present partner. That is all of our social circle, together and separately. I don't meet my friends - or we don't meet them - very often. Sometimes I would like to have more friends, but life has shown me you really can't make friends (that's semantics, but we don't say like that in Finnish - it sounds weird to me; changes the meaning of the sentence altogether. Finnish equivalent, "ystävystyä", passes on the idea of becoming friends for one another; it's not something you do). Rather, life rarely brings friends on your way. And just like romantic love isn't always forever, same goes with friendship too. How could it be otherwise? Friends have come and gone. Friendships may also transform. 

It seems to me that extroverts have broader definitions for friendship, that's why they may have so many "friends" - whom I would never call that. I don't even have many Facebook friends (that's the only social media platform I use), and if I don't know them in real life too, they certainly are not real friends! From young age, I have always categorized people in my life in three different groups: There are obviously true friends, the chosen few - inner circle, whom you can trust; then there are buddies, those you can hang out with, or talk this and that; and finally acquaintances, people you distantly know, and greet when you see them coincidentally. You can't blend these groups. 

I did have American online friend, whom I had fascinating conversations with, until he died (his niece contacted me) - and it really touched me; he became more than just some random guy to me. But I have watched TV-show Catfish, and it really strikes me how naive people can be. I'm very sceptical about people I may meet online, until proven otherwise. I hope you understand. This is not to say you shouldn't contact me - I wish you would anyway! Nowadays hardly anyone does. 

As an introvert I have experienced, that using a foreign language (English, that is) somehow changes my personality - it affects my mind so that it is easier for me to be active in conversation (though I may be a little rusty in speaking English). There are actually researches to support this phenomenon. I wish I could speak Spanish in order to get some of that temperament in me. 

I have web camera, and I must say I am hesitant to use it, but of course that is the most reasonable way to communicate. That is the closest thing to meeting face to face, after all. I feel I'm able to express myself better (in any language) in writing, but chatting in real time is not my thing: I find it awkward to deal with it like a proper conversation, as if we were talking face to face; I want to think what I write, not just churn out the stream of consciousness despite of spelling and grammar. However, when you miss nonverbal communication, facial expressions etc., misunderstandings are more likely to occur. And of course it's also easier to fake it all, if you don't see each other. Technology may distort live interaction between people. 

I have started to notice the downside of practicing Buddhism on your own, without support by others. There is research to suggest that meditation and yoga make you self-absorbed. I also found this interesting writing, titled, "why are Buddhists such assholes?" I must add that believers of all Faiths (and none) can be assholes; any religion can be used to justify your "assholeness", and personally I have met many Christian assholes. I'm not immune myself to this baggage. As a Buddhist I struggle with selfishness and a lack of compassion: perhaps it is Buddhism that makes me aware of these traits within me. Anyhow, it is a bit problematic that I only practice alone, and I can't even talk with anyone else who's practicing. Now I can understand why it is sometimes warned that your practice may become self-centered if you do it all alone. I thought it was the claim by which Buddhist organizations made themselves necessary. Still I see the shadows of organization - and where I live, there is no choise: it is SGI or nothing - darker than the light it may shine. I don't want one and only "official" Gohonzon bestowed by them, and nobody coming to my home checking that I set up my altar correctly by their rules. Already that is too much for me. 

Truth is, I have never been to SGI meetings, I don't know any members. I have only read about them, so I can't really tell. But as I am quite experienced on my spiritual journey by this age, I have come to conclusion I rather avoid formal groups. If there was anything like Gay Buddhist Fellowship or UU Buddhist Fellowship Sangha available in Finland, gathering Buddhist practitioners from various schools rather than forming a school of its own, I would certainly be interested! 

Rather than just as Buddhist, I want to be met as human being, including my sexual orientation, and with my flaws. I hate to pretend I'm better man or more "spiritual" than I am. That is a pressure and unspoken expectation you can often feel in religious circles. Of course I do have a desire to better myself, to be less selfish and more compassionate. I start to realize it is harder the more you are on your own, and the less you are doing with other people. 

See also:

Psychology Today: The Buddha was an Introvert

Lion's Roar: Making Friends on the Buddhist Path