LONESOME PATH

This is continuation to previous writings, DISILLUSIONED - ENGLIGHTENED, and CHANGES.

When I observe other spiritual or religious (I used to be "religious", now I'm rather "spiritual"!) people I know, it seems to me their spiritual life remains steady, in a sense that whether there are ups and downs - and who wouldn't have those? - they always keep their basic belief system anyway.

That is not the case with me. My spiritual life has had as many as THREE major turns. And I really mean everything turned upside down. I have told some details in this blog before, but I may have to repeat some and complete the story. 

As a child and young boy I believed in God, but Jesus was a distant figure to me. As a teenager, I got interested in Spiritualism. In my 20's I became a New Age geek. Then I got deeply involved with the gnostic mystery school, Lectorium Rosicrucianum, and that I count as my first major turn, because everything I had believed so far, changed radically, and very quickly - I took everything I was taught for granted, and didn't question any of it: homosexuality was wrong, meditation was dangerous, all churches should be avoided, and so on. World view of LR is esoteric, but practically it's more like extremely conservative and inward sect, like that of Jehovah's Witnesses.

After I met my partner, I could no longer keep going that road; I was looking for help, and I found it from The Christian Community: so I became a liberal Christian (esoterist). That was the second major turn: again I had to change my world view altogether, but this time it didn't just happen - I kind of had to force it; consequently, for the first few months I was like wandering in the desert, feeling no connection with God or other people. But then I felt like I had finally incarnated in this world and accepted my part as a being of this earth. And my newly found faith carried me over some really hard times - other people witnessed that I radiated light, I had inner light even in the middle of hardship. 

For ten years I was dedicated and active member of my congregation, but gradually in recent years things started to change again, this time slowly and by themselves. I no longer found joy in participating in church activities as I used to do, and I withdrew from many of them. All along I had many ambitions of my own - leading a prayer and discussion group and creating a website. Then came that final strike I report in my post, DISILLUSIONED - ENGLIGHTENED. I never really got over that - it stripped me off all my remaining idealism and opened my eyes to see the bare reality of human nature. Obviusly, that was not something completely new to me; it was a burden increased during all my life, until it was too much to bear and pretend it is not there. Starting from my 20's when I was extremely naive and unknowing, over-excited when making new friends - I've never had many - and expecting too much from them, I have become rather cynical. A cynical realist, as I would say. I have become convinced that you can't expect much from people, because no one really gives a shit! And so I don't give a shit anymore. Or maybe I do - too much - and that exactly is a problem! In my darkest moments I wish humanity would be destroyed, and there would be no life after death whatsoever.

Is it any wonder that Satan has entered my world, along with Christ, and not as adversary but as coequal "deity". Here I have found useful clarification from theology of the Process Church of the Final Judgment. (When I study some philosophy profoundly, I tend to become one with it, at least for a while.)  It is not about belief; it's just logical structure to work with. Satan brings separation, Christ is Unifier; man's task is to reconcile Satan with Christ through love, "to save God" who fragmented himself while creating the world, so that GOD can be reborn.
My dark side is very strong, and I don't think I can do any good by denying or rejecting it. Neither I can abandon Christ - so they just have to get along! It's like demon and angel within me in passionate and violent embrace. People talk about left-hand path and right-hand path, but it's difficult to live with only one hand, isn't it? For me, it's not about choosing one or the other; it's about unification, finding peace and love between the two. (See also my former post, "Satan loves you!")
Also, Satan obviously appeals to me because of rebellious nature associated with him, now that I have broken my ties with formal Christianity and Church institution, and as I have always rebelled against human norms. Yet I'm very conscientious and dutiful person; I have to be strong and I have to take care of everything. Part of me is tired and wants to let go. But I can not. I must carry on for others dependent on me.

The following quote was taken from forum of The Sect of the Horned God, and it resonates with my way of thinking:

"Deities (or gods, demons, whatever) are aspects of the human mind, or psyche if you like to sound all educated and posh. They do not exist in a literal or abstract sense, at least not in the physical meaning. They are not real on an objective level (obviously), but they are very real inside the mind of a person and do not rule the mind but are a part of it.
They exist as focal points of different aspects of our personality and when used in myth, are magnified parts of human behavior and human emotion. In short, gods are personified emotions and impulses, symbolic representations of parts of ourselves.
Now this is just what I perceive them to be. But they also have a use, else they would not exist, or at least, nobody would bother giving them a name and talking about them. Gods help us in two ways. Firstly, they help us understand ourself and the world around us. To do so, people have created myths to give gods a backdrop to show us what they are about and what their goals are. These myths are nothing more than generalized experiences or perhaps dreams people had long ago and simplified and generalized down into a form that was usable for everyone. With that, we come to the second use of gods, exploring our inner selves, both our subconscious as well as the conscious parts of ourselves we do not know, have repressed or simply do not understand. In this respect, gods are useful as focal points, guides that help us on the path to discovering, understanding and developing ourself. We might use them in rituals and at that time suspend our disbelief and chant incantations, pray to them or bring them offerings to strike a bargain or ask them to do something for us. While at that time we disconnect ourselves from the real world and for the purpose of the ritual may believe in them (even though in the back of our head we still know they aren't real), we only use them at that time to connect with ourselves. Because gods are a part of ourselves, this means of communication makes it easier to connect with our subconscious. This is the same reason why symbols and certain mythological concepts are understood by people from around the world in largely the same manner, because it speaks to a part of ourselves that we normally aren't able to come in contact with, but which is nevertheless very potent and has a very big influence on the way we lead our lives. I suppose you could say they are the lense through which our subconscious sees the outer world and function both as windows to see into our subconscious and as a mirror to show us who we really are."

Even I'm not sure if I'm just trying to refrain from making a final conclusion that I have actually become an agnostic. Still I rather define myself as Gnostic, which of course is basicly quite the opposite - but in modern usage it is highly ambiguous. See for example, "Are you a Gnostic?" , which is one of the loosest definitions I have seen. Contrary to that, Lectorium Rosicrucianum represents very pure and original Gnosticism with its sharp distinction between material world and Divine world - very strict doctrine. For me, gnosticism today rather means absolute freedom and individuality in matters of Spirit.

And to doubt the existence of God? I find myself incapable to do that. At least for now. Even though God may be so transcendent, mankind is left alone on earth and we have no choice but to make up these theological concepts and images trying to cope with this existential loneliness. So there are "lesser gods", or "manifested gods", we are dealing with, instead of The Absolute.

Basically, mine is a kind of "do-it-yourself-religion". When I think too much - and I do have a sad tendency for that - I may feel deep desperation for human condition, but when I just practice ritualistic devotion and meditation, I am connected with Higher Source (or that still point within, which is One with the Source); intellect separates and heart unites. Those who do not think, they don't see, and therefore they don't suffer so much. Suffering is inevitable companion for enlightenment, for seeing more clear. I often find myself asking that classical question: "Am I crazy or is everyone else crazy?"
I guess it has everything to do with my fundamental characteristics - being an introvert. It very much defines who I am as a person. There was a time I was desperately seeking for connection with other people through spiritual groups; I can not deny sometimes I was succesful, usually within some common meditative setting; but mostly, time after time I was disappointed. Now I have come to understand that I don't need community; weakness of spiritual community is more or less required common belief system, doctrinal unity. I can not share that with anyone. As satanist Diane Vera so well puts it, "If a group of people agree on the idea that 'there shall be no dogmas,' then that idea in itself has thereby become a group dogma -- or, more precisely, a metadogma (a dogma about dogmas). Furthermore, whenever any group of people gets together for any common purpose whatsoever, that common purpose is a group dogma. But there are many things that a united group of people can accomplish which its individual members couldn't accomplish (at least not nearly as easily) all by themselves. So, an absolute prohibition on dogma  -  if it were logically possible  -  would severely limit human achievement."
My path is lonesome, and so be it. There have always existed hermits who practice their spirituality in solitude, apart from human society, yet interceding for all mankind. I have read it is easier to "love all people" if you stay away from them - in my experience that sounds understandable.  I don't need to isolate myself from the society - wilderness of my mind is enough. The best discussions I've always had with myself, in my mind.
And when you connect with The Divine, isn't there invisible connection with other people who connect with The Divine as well? "The communion of saints", as the Apostles' Creed puts it, be they living or dead. And I don't think it knows any boundaries of Faith either. This is what the plural form of The Our Father is referring to, and "When two or three are gathered in my Name..." does not necessarily mean in one place at the same time. (This poem of mine, called "Sorrowful Role of Humanity", depicts my feelings very well; it was inspired - came through me without much thinking. You might think it's gloomy, but I see a glimpse of hope there after all.)
When I practice, I don't "believe" something - I AM present in the presence of The Divine. There is neither belief or disbelief at that time, just being; openness and receptivity. Certain images and ideas are enlivened, and it's like opening a window to spiritual realm; for a short moment, reality becomes transparent for the otherworldly.