I turned 50 on February 2020. It didn't feel special at all. Sure, I used to dream of a big party once in a lifetime, but the fact is, I don't know that many people I would like to invite, and neither I actually enjoy myself in a large group of people.
I had no crisis about my age. My life was already overturned few years back, when my former partner died (see previous post, Through Death to Love): I found new love, graduated for profession, finished driving school, bought a car, moved (temporarily) to small town... never has my life changed so much, and all this within a year!
It frequently happens that when a person with whom one was intimate dies, either one is oneself drawn into the death, so to speak, or else this burden has the opposite effect of a task to be fulfilled in real life. - Carl Jung
It is true what they say, that age is just a number, and you are only as old as you feel you are. But you only know that when you reach "that age". I don't feel old. You are not old as long as you can get excited about new things, like a teenager! When I was in my 20's, I thought aging really starts as you turn 30, and I don't want to live over 50, because I was afraid of old age. How stupid was that!
In my 20's I was old in my mind - and I also wanted to believe I was "more mature" than others of my age. I was very serious and rigid person; I even wore only a blazer and slacks. Among the years I have only grown younger, become more adaptive. Nowadays I wear jeans and a hoodie, and it's not because I try to look young, it's because I feel more relaxed.
Experience of life does bring you more perspective to see things wider (not necessarily for all, unfortunately I have witnessed that too). In my youth my thinking was marked by absoluteness, which I guess is typical to that age.
What is youth? It is the inner strength not to stagnate or grow resistant to change, but to stay open to new possibilities. It is the power of the spirit that refuses to succumb to complacency and strives ever forward. - Daisaku Ikeda
 |
| Acrylic and water color painting I made, on Easter 2019, just few days before my heart surgery. It crystallizes my experience of my former partner's death - how I felt like my shell was broken, and I was drawn to the Light. Symbolically, it can also relate to the message of Easter, and afterwards I realized it depicts my surgery as well. |
I don't feel remorse, grudge or bitterness, for anyone or anything. It's all bygone. I would hardly change anything about my life. Certainly, with today's awareness, I would have done few things differently, especially enjoyed the bodily pleasures of life when I was young, instead of being so "spiritual", which was a pure fear of life. But I was totally different person back then, I could not do otherwise with the resources I had. And with different life I would be different person today, and I'm not sure if I liked that person.
Today everything is better than it was when I was young: My life situation is stable, I have rewarding relationships, I'm much less insecure, and not at all so naive. What you might lose in physics, you gain in spirit.
Instead of desperately seeking for love from those around you - and by "love" I mean attention, appreciation, company, friendship, acceptance - you must learn to love yourself first! Then you don't need anyone, but when you give and receive love, it's because you want to. It's healthy to care for yourself, and when you share your life with someone else, it's your choice. That's something I have learnt through experience. Maturing comes with self-knowledge.
Instead of desperately seeking for love from those around you - and by "love" I mean attention, appreciation, company, friendship, acceptance - you must learn to love yourself first! Then you don't need anyone, but when you give and receive love, it's because you want to. It's healthy to care for yourself, and when you share your life with someone else, it's your choice. That's something I have learnt through experience. Maturing comes with self-knowledge.
Only recently I realized there are two features about me I can be proud of: I cannot literally harm a fly - news about animal abuse make me sick; and I can never say anything mean to another person, no matter how angry I might be. Today's hate speech is beyond my comprehension. These features are very deep in my nature. I can be selfish in so many ways, like all of us, so I'm not bragging obviously; It's just that I have seriously been pondering if there is some compassionate, authentic, and unaffected quality within me. And the answer, to my great joy, is yes. Call that Buddha Nature - it's within you, as well as transcending you.
The most important moments in life are those, when you don't think about yourself; when you are really present for another person, listening to them, perhaps saying something good, or when you pet your cat or dog, giving them your full attention.
Everything I have confronted, including hardships, was necessary: It has polished me the way I am, brought me to this day, which is the best time of my life. Every person gives meaning to their life by themselves, and if you see more than just coincidence in all its events, it fills your life with a sense of significance.
Life has also shown that I am inwardly very strong. I see people staggering and falling around me, which is sad, but I just keep going and don't let anything discourage me!
There have been occasions when I was kind of comforted by the idea of mortality. I was even planning for my own funeral for 20 years, and it was becoming extremely detailed; When my partner died, I destroyed my plans. It felt stupid. I was doing it for myself.
Maybe I was so dissatisfied with my life, as psychologist once said to me, that I saw beauty only in the end... but unlikely I actually wished it would end - it was really a distant thought, and "comfort" it gave me was more like indulging in a self-pity.
If I had killed myself at the age of 16, as I was planning to do, I would never have seen this day, when life is wonderful and I can't get enough of it! Is human being actually ever ready to let go, unless their existence is unbearable suffering for some reason?
Maybe I was so dissatisfied with my life, as psychologist once said to me, that I saw beauty only in the end... but unlikely I actually wished it would end - it was really a distant thought, and "comfort" it gave me was more like indulging in a self-pity.
If I had killed myself at the age of 16, as I was planning to do, I would never have seen this day, when life is wonderful and I can't get enough of it! Is human being actually ever ready to let go, unless their existence is unbearable suffering for some reason?
Only through experience I have learnt to understand life, and there is always more to experience, and we will never fully understand.
I am happy. I don't want to die, but if I die, I die happy. It's better than bitter and cynical. Isn't it better to go in the middle of life? These last few years after newly found joy of living and love have been worth it. My outer life may have not been very rich of experiences, but my inner life certainly has! And in the end, that is all that matters. You can only "store up treasures in heaven", and that "last journey" is the ultimate adventure!
Happiness is not about big emotions and climaxes in life; it's not a goal, but a journey. Nothing to reach for. It simply IS, once you realize it... in small things, in ordinary life, here and now. Not outside, even with another person, but within you.
Happiness is not about big emotions and climaxes in life; it's not a goal, but a journey. Nothing to reach for. It simply IS, once you realize it... in small things, in ordinary life, here and now. Not outside, even with another person, but within you.
 |
| A place for scattering the ashes in my home town, Tampere, Finland. |
My beliefs were not changed much after conversion to Buddhism, they were only strengthened. Energy won't die out, Life is eternal; only individual personality is not. (See my old post, Life after Death, about my old theosophical beliefs.)
My funeral one day will be conducted by the rite of The Christian Community anyway; Their ideas of death are kind of "Buddhist", or universal: Rebirth is one of them.
Sangharakshita explained (my own translation from Finnish back to English): Buddhism says it is irrelevant to ask, whether it is the same or different man who is reborn. The one who is reborn, is not the same or different man than the one who died. If you express the matter paradoxically, really strict orthodox Buddhist stand is, that there is rebirth, but there is no one to be reborn. This is why Buddhism avoids such concepts as Reincarnation. Incarnation is going to the body, Reincarnation is going to the body again. A word Reincarnation includes an idea, just like a passage I quoted from Bhagavad Gita (where Sri Krishna says, "What is Reincarnation? It is like changing clothes. Just like you get up in the morning, and decide to put on new clothes, so you throw away your old body and take on a new body."), that man has a tiny soul (or permanent ego), which comes and goes from body to body, but in itself remains immutable. A correct Buddhist term is punarbhava (punabhava in Pali), meaning "becoming something again" - not even "rebirth".When my partner died, and also another person I knew, who was younger than me, and I had a heart surgery last year (my partner had a same condition, and that other person had heart problems too; big difference is, that I am not an alcoholic!), a thought of mortality has really just crystallized to me.
Life is never so beautiful as when surrounded by death.
- Carl Jung
In my home town we have an official spot for scattering the ashes into the lake. I find that ideal: No grave, no stone; your remains return to the natural elements they were originally loaned from. Just like your memory will gradually fade away, and the world carries on like you never existed. There was a time I wanted to leave a legacy, to be remembered by something, but now I just want to be able to live with myself; I don't need to make an impression on anyone.
Nichiren Buddhist: Identity, Death & Rebirth
Soka Humanism: The Difference between Rebirth and Reincarnation
How long does a lifetime last? If one stops to consider, it is like a single night's lodging at a wayside inn. Should one forget that fact and seek some measure of worldly fame and profit? Though you may gain them, they will be mere prosperity in a dream, a delight scarcely to be prized. You would do better simply to leave such matters to the karma formed in your previous existences.
Once you awaken to the uncertainty and transience of this world, you will find endless examples confronting your eyes and filling your ears. Vanished like clouds of rain, the people of past ages have left nothing but their names. Fading away like dew, drifting far off like smoke, our friends of today too disappear from sight. Should you suppose that you alone can somehow remain forever like the clouds over Mount Mikasa?
The spring blossoms depart with the wind; maple leaves turn red in autumn showers. All are proof that no living thing can stay for long in this world. Therefore, the Lotus Sutra counsels us, "Nothing in this world is lasting or firm but all are like bubbles, foam, heat shimmer."
- Nichiren
Nichiren Buddhist: Identity, Death & Rebirth
Soka Humanism: The Difference between Rebirth and Reincarnation
Neo Polytheist: Buddhist beliefs regarding the Afterlife
Eventually, everyone we know now won't be known by anyone:
No comments:
Post a Comment