DISILLUSIONED - ENLIGHTENED

Note on 12/21/2013: Now that I have revealed the whole story also on my Finnish blog, without hiding any facts, I can say that my denomination is The Christian Community, and the other one mentioned is The Liberal Catholic Church.

In this writing I will reveal the unpleasant truth – some who know me may also know factual connection, but since I don’t give names and even write in foreign language, no one can forbid me to write and publish these things in my personal blog: it is therapy I need during this turmoil of events. Yet the closer people are to the centre of events, the more they should be aware of what is happening. Now it’s very “hush, hush”. I don’t know how much talking there is behind my back. I hope my thoughts may have value to other people in similar situations. And I’m sure there are many of them.

New Year began in a hard way for me. I was attacked by small but VERY LOUD group (of four people) within my congregation. (To be more precise, there is one person with three yes men.) And only because we were supposed to organize ecumenical meeting with another denomination, and that was my initiative. Now it had to be cancelled; our pastor – who was supportive to idea – was put against the wall. She had no other choice at that point. There was very intentional and dirty scheming behind the scenes. It was carefully planned so that only priests were called for meeting – the one, whom it mostly concerned, me, was disregarded - and they refused to tell anything in advance, so that nobody could be prepared. And they totally manipulated another priest present, just as they wished. 

I was accused of bringing “opposing forces” to our church, and making it appear like a sect, when in fact, these same people judged according to their behaviour, clearly represented “opposing forces”, and by their attitude, they were making our church precisely a narrow-minded sect. Their accusations would be ridiculous, unless they were also so sad, telling about their fears and prejudices.

This is not the church I came in 15 years ago, and these people don’t represent the church I have come to know. What they represent is distorted caricature of it; their behaviour is completely against the Spirit of Christ, It’s anti-Christian. These self-proclaimed “guardians of the truth” are nothing but fossils clinging to the past, refusing to come over to this day. Pride – worst of all sins: “We are so excellent and know it all; we don’t need to know anything outside our own comfort zone.”

Even my Mystical Order of the White Rose –Scandinavian Skete of Mary Magdalene website was their target, since I mentioned my church few times - when for example, I told about my own spiritual journey - and always in neutral manner, emphasizing, it had nothing to do with contents of this site. I have deleted those parts – in fact, I have deleted every sentence on this blog where I named my church, just like I have deleted my Facebook badge (I used to be open about my identity online; I’m happy to tell you my whole name if you contact me, and welcome you to befriend with me on Facebook!). I feel like standing before the inquisition accused of heresy and witchcraft; I’m sure they would gladly burn me at the stake if that was possible these days.

As I have been a member of the spiritual school, where they strongly warned against all churches and their Services – which caused me great difficulties when I first started to attend this church I belong nowadays – I dare to claim I have much wider perspective on these matters than these people attacking me. Not to mention the fact I have same inner experience of that other church we were going to meet, as the one I belong, and I know many people who attend both churches and like them both, even people who have family members in both churches. Their experiences have been questioned too, not only mine!

I’m only sorry to hold on to my right to think for myself, and regret I ever took “Freedom of thought” claims of my church seriously.

I’ve had support, but I’m not satisfied; I don’t need to defend myself against such an absurd and crazy accusations, but neither I feel I’m getting justice, because we “need to listen, discuss, understand, and give a chance…” blah, blah, blah. These same people harmed our congregation 20 years ago, before my time, until they disappeared. Today, as the priests have changed, they have crawled back to continue their wicked games. Until now, my congregation was like a haven of peace, and I only heard distant echoes of troubles elsewhere. But the snake is back in paradise. If these people haven’t changed in 20 years, how could we expect it to happen now, just like that?! Forgiveness is indeed a Christian virtue, but it is followed by demand, “sin no more”!

Our former, retired pastor was a strict character, and even I had my disagreements with him, but now I have come to respect him in a new way: at least he kept trouble-makers out!

I feel like I’m pushed in the corner. It’s like the atmosphere of my congregation is poisoned; I don’t feel like going there anymore. I have many duties, which I think I will reduce. Now I have to put myself first and protect myself. I would not expect less than apology from these people, but I don’t think I will have it; people like them rarely are capable to admit they have done anything wrong. I’m not the only one who’s been in their teeth: in their great arrogance and egoism they void every opinion that contradicts their illusions, and roll over other people with aggressive zeal.

However, all my spiritual life has been under major changes for at least over a year or so. I have never stopped seeking and asking questions – even doubting and questioning. I think that is healthy – only when there is movement, there is life.

I prayed for a sign from God, which way to go, and suddenly I realized, this is it: God works in marvellous ways – He can use adversities as His messengers. And it happened right in the beginning of the year, when I wanted to start something new. It seems to me, God is saying, “You don’t need a church. You don’t need a religion. You need to live!”

Don’t get me wrong: God and church, God and religion… completely different things. Religion does not make you happy; if you take it too seriously, it will make you crazy. In the middle of hardship, you see what is really important in life; it is so self-evident, you may often fail to see it: close and dear people and pets.

For me, religion is a kind of “Holy play”. I remember as a child – and even a bit older – I created these fantasy worlds in my mind... and in what dedication I prepared for play before I even started. Now I see it’s still the same thing as an adult; now it just takes place within frames of religion. I don’t know if there is life after death, I don’t know if Christ is a real person. I don’t think it matters! People only tend to make God smaller whenever something is said about Him.

I think the Kingdom of Heaven is a realm of creativity and imagination, and “being like little children” refers to devotion – literally – that children have when they play; they don’t need to seek the Kingdom of Heaven, they live in it, and at the same time they enjoy the world around with all their senses. So, don’t be too grown up, don’t take religion too seriously!

Religious life is concerned with feelings, and that’s why it may also cause collisions between persons, no matter how reasonable they think they are.

I have been hurt by religion before – that’s when I came to my present church, where I thought no one could come in the name of the church to tell me, how I should think or live. And how wrong I was! Now I see this church has also become too narrow for me – I have grown beyond it.

All churches are alike, there is no ideal community on this earth, since people make community, and people are alike everywhere; in every place there are all kinds of people – including dogmatic fanatics. Noble and high principles don’t make a difference – it is life that matters. For me, damage has been done – if you want to call it that way; I would rather call it enlightenment – I’m disillusioned. Right now I’m ashamed of my church, and yet, it is not I who should be ashamed! 

Life may often bring you suffering you can not avoid. But at least modern Westerner more or less chooses his or her religious affiliations – even if you have been raised within certain belief system. When religion, that is supposed to support you in this life too, and not only in after life, instead causes you suffering, it can’t be right.

Last time I had to deal with spiritual movement that forbade me to live as a gay man. It was a hard struggle. Even after I had resigned and joined this other community, where that was not a problem, it took me 10 years before I was able to admit even to myself, that I had belonged to narrow-minded sect, and stopped explaining it was my fault that I couldn’t adapt. Also to get rid of my past, I once needed to commit myself to my new community very deeply. 

Lately, thinkers who have seen a bigger picture outside the box attract me; people like Gurdjieff and Krishnamurti. I also realized a long time dream and took part in Zen meditation class. I have began to practice twice a day – oh, how much I had longed for meditation, and now I don’t understand why it was so hard to begin in the first place – and go to Zendo weekly. Zen is so simple; it is life itself, just pure being here and now. With my background of esoteric Christianity, today I’m just fed up with theories and speculations about life after death, reincarnation, karma… I need something real right now! I’m not dead yet. And mere theories and speculations they remain, for people simply choose to believe what this or that spiritual teacher wrote. Even if they had psychic experiences of their own, they just choose to believe they mean something. You know nothing. I know nothing. Nobody knows! Period.

There are many great examples of uniting Zen methods with Christianity as well. (I have always honored Buddha as well.) To the horror of more traditional minds, I think it is justified in our time for individual – and I do mean a true individual, not another sheep in a flock – to form his or her own beliefs and practices.

As I have stated in my vision, “Future is for the religion of the Holy Spirit: Spirit unites people with invisible bonds, from within.”

I always remember how one priest of my church once said, the ultimate purpose of churches and priests is to make themselves useless! For long time now, I have felt I don’t really need a church anymore, except for community. Like Jesus said, “A time is coming and in fact has come…” Future is already here – it won’t come to humanity as a whole, it will come gradually to individual people, one by one, here and there.

 I am a priest to myself. Every night in my daily prayers I have spiritual communion. It would be a small step to bless a piece of bread and some grape juice and experience that as valid Eucharist, but I have refrained from that action because I have been still going to church.

There is an excellent website – Ways of Christ – available in many languages (including my native tongue, Finnish), which I have found to be very informative and useful. I have no idea who is behind it, but it certainly is not restricted to the “one and only truth”. For question, why would man need a church or community, they answer:

It is, of course, possible to have an individual connection to Jesus Christ and to God. This is the heart of the matter. Even the impulses required from outside can come directly by God's guidance if one notices these finer signs.

However, there is another level of this connection, which can only unfold in community with others: "Where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18, 19-20). At first this simply means what it says. This experience would be more difficult from a distance, e.g. if people synchronize it; but it is possible. A mystic might experience that unity even without verbal arrangement, although that would be too much for most people. People are not usually born for the hermit life.

This kind of prayer fellowship can lead to a regular private circle. One can also find it in a parish, or in another religious community fitting to one's individual belief. Even though the tradition of some churches may over-emphasize their role for the believers, this doesn't change the purpose of being in community with others.

Online community is community too, even more so, if people involved pray for one another. And when it comes to Communion, it is said:

The bread represents the substance (and/or the soul) of Jesus Christ, the "Word of God". The wine represents the divine spirit of Christ, which gives life to this Word of God for altruistic work. The Catholic Church stressed the change of the substance of the bread and wine to the pure flesh and blood of Jesus, while the Protestant Churches stressed the remembrance of Jesus. On one hand both are right. Scientists found out that even the simple "holy water" of the Catholic Church shows that the angle of the water molecules had changed. However, the most important viewpoint would be the change within the person taking part, by attuning to what really radiates from the transformed and transforming "flesh and blood" of Jesus Christ. So it would be good to do this practice in the churches with great concentration. Some even tried to do this directly in spirit only - without the visible help of bread and wine – and still felt the effect, which is a lot more difficult to achieve. For those who want to practice a blessed meal without claiming it to be a "Holy Sacrament" of the church, it can be called "Agape" - supper of love.